The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (16 page)

Speaking of trophies,
Madame Cadavre Exquis
reminds us to consider the headhunting culture. Headhunting has been practiced in Asia, Africa, South America, New Zealand, the Pacific Islands, and Europe. The practice comes from the belief that one’s head contains “life force,” which becomes available to those who take the head. (Yes, the modern Zombie knows of this life force, too—BRRRAAAIIINNNSSS!) Some cultures also shrink heads, generally because they incorrectly use the hot water setting on their washing machines. But shrinkage has its bright side: Shrunken heads make cool Zombie accessories. In any event, we must never forget that belief in the power of the head drives our enemies to destroy ours! Madame thanks you for your attention.

Heads will roll

Hence those Zombies who use fire as an aid to the attack show intelligence; those who use water gain an accession of strength.
Fire and water, two of the five elements. It’s elementary, my dear Zombie.

By means of water, the Cognizant may be intercepted, but not robbed of all his belongings.
But he will know the Human saying to be true: “You can’t take it with you!” He will realize that in a Zombie Apocalypse he needs nothing but his—say it with me now—BRRRAAAIIINNNS! (OK, he’ll probably be wishing for a spear gun as well, but too bad.)

Unhappy is the fate of the Zombie who tries to win battles and influence people without cultivating the (evil) spirit of enterprise;
for the result is a waste of time and general stagnation. Give the Devil his due! Or you’re doo-doo.

Hence the saying: The enlightened Horde ruler lays his plans well ahead; the good Horde general cultivates his resources—and his Zombies.
Move not unless you see an advantage. Use not your Zombies unless there is something to be gained. Fight not unless the position is critical.

No Horde ruler should put troops into the field merely to gratify and/or consume his own spleen (or another’s).
No general should fight a battle simply out of pique (or piquant sauce).

If it is to your Undead advantage, make a forward shuffle; if not, stay where you are.

Anger may in time change to gladness with the NOMMING of BRRRAAAIIINNNS; vexation may be succeeded by contentment at least until all available Gray Matter is gone.

But a Horde that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead Undead ever be brought back to, er, Unlife. Or can they? Zom-bie or not Zom-bie...that is the question. (Note to self: Check with Horderatio. And Yorick.)

Hence the enlightened Horde ruler is heedful, and the good Horde general full of caution. This is the way to keep the world at war and Zombies intact, more or less.

NEVER FORGET:
THIS IS THE

ZOMBIE

APOCALYPSE.

I spy, with
my single eye . . .

S
un-Tzumbie said: Raising a host of a hundred thousand corpses and marching them great distances entails heavy losses of flesh and a drain on the resources of the necropolis.
There will be commotion at home and abroad, and the Undead will decompose and rot on the highways. The Living will be preoccupied with clearing away their remains. It is preferable to sacrifice a few of the Horde’s more putrid specimens in order to keep the Humans preoccupied with this task.

Hostile armies may face each other for years (We’ve got all the time in the world; remember? They’re the ones who have to dash off to meetings, brunches, and baby showers.), striving for the victory which will be decided in a single day. This being so, to remain in ignorance (a more or less permanent condition for one of Us) simply because one grudges the time and effort, is the height of inHumanity. And we’re all about inHumanity. Preach it, Zombie brethren!

Now, this knowledge cannot be elicited from spirits, although Sun-Tzumbie strongly advocates “haunting” the Humans’ houses of worship, for these buildings provide a tasty and reliable weekly brunch. Nor can it be gained inductively or by deductive calculations, as the Zombies’ mental faculties are usually severely impaired. No, knowledge of the Humans’ dispositions can only be obtained from Humans themselves—and BRRRAAAIIINNNS.

Hence, the use of spies.

SPIES

There are five classes of spies:

Local spies

Inward spies

Converted spies