The Awakening (5 page)

Carmen looked up at Andrew. He may have been on top but she was in control. She knew that expression – he was totally into her. Into that space in his head where he was most himself. She relaxed, closed her eyes and entered her own sacred sex space. She moved out of thought and into her body. Into the pure sensation of love and sex all working as one in this moment. Now she wanted him forever. Now they were connected, engaged in the same ecstatic pursuit, sensation and release, intoxicating, rejuvenating physical pleasure. Now, with her eyes closed tight she loved Andrew. Now she found her own way to bliss. She opened her eyes and saw Victor, felt Victor in her, controlling her, loving her. She moaned loudly, her body tensed and her orgasm was as intense as ever. Andrew lay panting beside her, totally oblivious to the vivid images of betrayal in his fiancé’s head.

The one thing that was clear to Carmen was that people at Great Blizzard were warmer to her once Victor made it clear he was happy with AA’s appointment. While she didn’t expect to make friends at least her colleagues were now smiling at her and saying hello. Victor sought her out every day. She’d come to expect his five minute visits sometime during her day. He always touched her and she found herself increasingly looking forward to these little moments. There was something completely familiar about him. It was an inescapable fact – there was an attraction, a force between them.

“There is much for us to do,” he would smile.

She’d nod her head, as if she knew what he was talking about.

“Many lessons for you to learn,” he nodded with her. “Before you can fulfil your destiny.”

Carmen would look at him quizzically. She knew he wasn’t talking about the business. “Evening classes, Victor?”

“Well,” he chuckled. “I’d be only too happy but that fiancé of yours is a jealous boy. I need to be careful.”

They’d both laughed guiltily.

“But seriously, there is much more at stake than a new imprint. I’m sure you realise that, dearest Carmen.” Victor would stroke her shoulder as if imparting his wisdom as he unsettled her with his words. A comforting touch, an edgy comment. It was what he did best. And even though she was sure he was on her side and felt deeply about her, he quite often left her wondering and uncertain for the rest of her day. She had the feeling he had much to say to her but didn’t know how to begin, or more importantly how she would respond.

That morning before the launch he had been as mysterious as ever. “The time is almost upon us, Carmen.”

She’d nodded, entirely certain he was not referring to the evening’s up-coming festivities.

“I will need you to come with me soon.”

“Where to, Victor?”

He’d smiled in his enigmatic and confusing way. “You must look inside. All the answers, everything you want to know, lies within you.”

“What do I want to know, Victor?”

He touched her cheek fleetingly. “Everything, my dear. You want to know everything. You just don’t know how to ask yet.”

She shook her head, wishing him out of her office. This morning he was simply making her very uncomfortable. She hated that. She liked it when he made her feel warm and special, as if the sun was shining just for her.

Andrew was too busy making sure everything was going to be perfect for the launch to notice Victor sniffing around Carmen. Besides, what could he say? Victor was the boss, Carmen his new employee; he had every right to ensure she settled in well. In fact Victor had loaned his own PA, Veronica Jones, to teach Carmen the ropes, help her become the editor she needed to be. So all the stupid questions she needed to ask she could ask of Veronica. Really Victor did not need to see her every day about work. Carmen knew he wanted to, that he now they had met again, according to Victor, he needed to see her every day. He had to ensure the connection between them grew stronger. Carmen was happy to let Victor do what he had to. She would deal with her own unsettled feelings about him and her new life. She had a growing sense that Victor, not Great Blizzard or AA, was part of the recurrence of the ice dream.

Veronica was delighted to be helpful in showing Carmen the ropes of GBPE. She loved Victor in her own way, she revealed to Carmen. He had rescued her from a fate worse than death and she would always be grateful. Carmen had smiled at the softly spoken fifty something woman but found it hard to imagine her in any sort of life threatening situation, although she quite liked the idea of Victor as a rescuing hero. It fitted well with her image of him as some wild man who really resisted city living, was only here because he had to be. She imagined him far more comfortable in corduroy and moleskins. He always looked fine to her but not her image of a CEO. AA was much better at dressing the part. His suits were immaculate, ties and shirts always co-ordinated. Even his casual wear was exact. Carmen worried that he was a bit too Patrick Bateman about labels and designers at times.

“He’s one of the best men I’ve ever known,” Veronica stated quietly. She seemed a naturally reticent woman to Carmen. More used to quietness and aloneness, like herself. Carmen found herself instantly warming to Veronica. She guessed that if they had more of the same age they would have become friends. Carmen liked Veronica’s devotion to Victor, her attention to detail and most of all, her patience with Carmen. She also enjoyed the way Veronica felt entitled to praise Victor unashamedly.

“It’s hard to explain without sounding melodramatic how important Victor is to me, you know, Carmen. I love working here. I never want to work anywhere else. Even when he’s away so long every year. He has to go. It just has to happen. The company just runs.” She stepped closer to Carmen. “I know your Mr Adams thinks he runs the show, but Victor knows everything that goes on. All the time.”

Carmen smiled at Veronica. “Because he has you, I bet. You keep him informed about everything, don’t you? You’d never let him down.”

“Oh, no. No, I could never do that.”

Veronica was an excellent source of information on everything to do with Great Blizzard. Unfortunately she was more vague about Victor. She’d never met a wife or partner. She’d never been to his place, didn’t think anyone else had. Not even AA or his predecessor. Victor had being going north and beyond every year for as long as Veronica could remember. On his own as far as she knew: really she didn’t know a lot about him.

“But what I do know Carmen,” Veronica said as they poured over the running order for the imminent launch. “Is that he is entirely taken with you. I’ve never seen him as bright and cheerful as he is around you.”

Carmen blushed. “Don’t let Andrew hear you say that.”

Veronica laughed. “Of course not. That would be silly. And of course, Victor sees you as a daughter, I’m sure of it. There’s a lot of sadness in the man. A great deal in his past. I’m sure of it. You bring light into his life. It’s a very good thing. Very good.”

Yes, thought Carmen after Veronica had scurried off to the photocopier, like a daughter. That’s how he sees me. That’s how he touches me and kisses me, lightly, affectionately. Not with suppressed passion or desire. The fact that she felt sexual stirrings in his presence didn’t mean he did. The fact that she was engaged to AA, and everyone in New York knew it, was a sufficient disincentive for any man. She was in love with Andrew. She was going to marry him and have a large brood of handsome, intelligent and amazing children. They would be happy together. She was sure these feelings that were stirring in her were normal. She was flattered by Victor’s attentions. It was enormously satisfying to have two powerful and attractive men seeking her out, wanting to be with her. She liked it. This was a first for her. Two men, interested in more than just sex was unheard of for her. And, she reasoned, what happened in her head when she made love to Andrew was her business. No-one else’s at all. Too many years of loneliness were about to end forever, it seemed. Finally she was coming into her own as a woman: an attractive woman that handsome powerful men wanted to be with. Well, she hoped it was true. Given her lack of experience it was as likely she was entirely wrong.

It was simple: Carmen was not used to relationships. She had few girlfriends: had found that inane talk about hair and clothes, music and TV shows simply too puerile. Her lovers had been just that. A series of gorgeous men to have sex with. At the time, during the height of competition it all made sense. The girls she knew were competitors, no time for friendship there. And sex relaxed her, invigorated her: helped her to concentrate and race better. Sometimes she’d felt as if she was just an animal, all basic urges, to screw and compete. There seemed very little else to her. So she’d lost human things, friends never really happened, men were only there as escorts to functions or as sex toys. How shallow was she? She’d never seemed to truly connect with anyone. Well, not since her dad died. She’d connected with him. She’d loved him. They’d spend all their time together and they understood each other, usually without words. And what happened – he died. And she was alone. A mother who barely knew she existed and was utterly relieved when Todd James discovered Carmen and better still, had almost adopted her. They’d connected in that wordless way of physical activity, like with her dad. Todd had loved her too, but more in that exploitative way. Her success was his fortune. She’d never blamed him, but he’d had a large hand in her inability to make human connections: to have relationships. Thank god for the dogs. She found it hard to remember life before they’d been with her. When another man had failed to ring back she’d simply shrugged and thrown on her shorts and runners, called Zanzibar and Alaska and headed for the park to run her disappointment away. They were her friends, they understood her best and they were loyal beyond all measure. She just wished that they were more accepting of Andrew. Were they just jealous, believing Andrew was a serious threat to their supremacy in her life?

She bought a new dress for the launch. A white Vera Wang. Well, Victor told her she could charge Great Blizzard for it. She had to look good. She was one of the main stars of the night so she needed to look the part. As normal she went for something that draped her Amazonian body, enhancing her shoulders and back, something that drew attention away from her hands especially. She wore a baby-pink silk pash mina across her shoulders to add some contrast to the purity of the white dress. Simple and understated: that was her developing style. She never wanted to stand out, to be the first person people saw in the room. She wanted to look fine, but subtle, not showy. She was never sure if she had achieved her desired look, no matter how long she spent in front of her mirror. She expected to see Victor in his Armani and AA in something equally expensive, oozing power and class. She wore her engagement ring and the polar bear pendant.

Carmen stood with Andrew in the corner of the Gallery Rooms, overlooking the Hudson, watching the crowd. Andrew had already completed his first circuit of the room and was having a quick drink with Carmen. There were all sorts of celebrities, sports stars and writers, the odd politician and business people she’d only ever heard of. Andrew pointed them out and gave a potted history as they nodded a greeting and made their way to the bar and the passing trays of canapés. She felt like royalty standing with Andrew, welcoming their guests. She looked at the oversized pictures of herself around the room, in her racers and in air brushed version of the book’s cover. She looked amazing, but not herself. The cover shot made her look like some Ice Warrior Goddess emerging from the pool. It was one of those glamour shots usually reserved for models.

Victor was one of the last to arrive. He entered alone, impressive in a white dinner jacket. He circled through the room, greeting everyone. Indeed he knew everyone there.

“You’ve got to hand it to him,” Andrew whispered to Carmen, “he sure knows how to work a room.”

“Well so he should, he’s CEO. It’s part of the job, being charming.”

“If you say so.” Andrew raised his eyebrows at her. “You know what? I think he’s had a face lift. Look. He looks years younger.”

“Don’t be silly,” Carmen hissed. “Victor’s not that sort of person.”

“Vain and shallow.”

“No, he’s not.”

“And you know him so well, don’t you, Carmen?”

Carmen looked at him. “If you’re going down that stupid path then I’m going to talk to someone else.”

Andrew took her hand in his. “No. I’m sorry, that was silly. But look at him, Carmen. Look at Victor. I swear he’s dropped ten years since I spoke to him last week.”

Carmen watched Victor talking animatedly to the most beautiful woman in the room. It was true, he seemed taller, his face sharper, his eyes brighter. He did look younger, not that much older than AA. “I reckon he’s just had a hair cut. All that shaggy grey hair ages a man. Perhaps he’s had some blond highlights put in.” But it was hard to dismiss Andrew’s observation. Victor looked different, miles away from the old man she had first met nearly a month ago. He looked more like the Victor Bernhard she imagined she could fall in love with, in those moments of complete stillness and clarity that she had. He looked more familiar than she cared to believe
. Inside
, she heard his voice echoing in her head,
you know me inside
. And as she looked at the handsome, rugged face she did know him, but didn’t know from where, or when.

Victor looked across to Carmen, aware of her intense gaze. He winked and his eyes were not full of paternal interest: he knew what she had just this moment come to understand. He smiled just for her. He turned to Veronica and whispered. The show was about to begin.