The Awakening (8 page)

“What choice do I have?” she let Andrew hug her and kiss her. She knew this was what he wanted. If she was some sort of paranoid loony she’d suspect AA of setting up the whole thing. But he had called in Josh as soon as she’d panicked and he’d been here all afternoon being supportive and loving. And he was doing his best to be understanding about the dogs.

“Come on, Babe. I’ll help you pack your things.” He took her hand and led her to her closet. “A week’s worth. Can you cope?”

She nodded. “I guess.”

“I’ll get someone in to clean this all up so by the time the dogs are well you can all come home to everything as it was. Only better really. I’ll get your security up-graded too. I’m sure Josh would approve.” His smile was warm and convincing although Carmen suspected Andrew was in fact quite pleased by the turn of events as it had delivered him his heart’s desire: them both happily living at his place. She expected a week of devoted attention. She expected she would enjoy it, despite her fears of his inability to stop smothering her with his intensity about how she should live and how impossible it was for him to leave her alone. She knew as sure as the sun rose in the east that she would be very pleased to go back to her own space with those beloved shaggy friends of hers.

It was late afternoon by the time they returned to Andrew’s loft. He was planning a romantic dinner after Carmen had a chance to soak in his spa bath. He let her settle into his room, made space in his closet, on his dresser, in the sumptuous bathroom. He put Michael Buble on the sound system, poured Carmen a glass of Moet and took it to her in the tub.

“You realise it could have all been much worse, don’t you, Babe?” he began.

“I guess. Things could be damaged beyond repair. The dogs could be dead. Of course it could have been worse.”

“No, you silly thing,” he sighed. “Imagine if you had been there instead of here. Imagine what might have happened to you. Not just to those all important animals of yours. I think you were lucky you were here last night and not there. Think about the mess, the damage those idiots did. Who knows what might have transpired if you’d been there, if you’d confronted them? They trashed everything, Carmen. Nothing was left in one piece. Josh was staggered by the mess and the bizarreness of them not taking anything, Really, it’s all very odd. Not a normal sort of break in at all. Josh said.” Andrew looked into her eyes. “I don’t want to think about what might have been.”

She took her glass. “I guess not. I hadn’t thought about that.”

“No. And neither you should.” Andrew kissed her forehead, moved his hands to her shoulders, massaged them gently, moving his thumbs up and down the spine at the base of her neck, which he knew she loved. He eased his hands over her shoulders, down to her breasts, all slippery and wet. He fondled them for a few moments, thinking about the pleasure that awaited him after dinner. He nuzzled into her neck and felt her soften towards him, a soft pur as he played with her nipples. She moved her hand around his neck and pulled his mouth down firmly onto her right breast for him to lick and suck. “Oh, yes,” Carmen intoned.

Andrew moved his mouth to hers, bit her bottom lip softly and pushed his tongue into her mouth. “I love how you taste,” he whispered before kissing her deeply. “I love how you move.” He stood up, looked appreciatively at her wet naked body. He could feel himself ready to take her now. But he would wait. The anticipation would increase the pleasure to come. He poured more oil into the tub and adjusted the power on the jets. “Look, four speeds.” He smiled fondly at her, feeling her move closer into his web of desire and control, catching fast in his sticky love trap. “Enjoy your bath, Babe. I want you to know that you are completely safe here. You’ll always be safe with me. I love you, Carmen.”

“I know, Andrew. I love you too.”

He returned to the kitchen to prepare dinner as happy as he had ever been. He felt the world shift a little: reshape itself to his design. He would make her so happy in his house that she would never leave, never want to be separated from him again. He felt his cock tingle and stiffen as he thought about that wet bronzed body just feet away from him and what he would do to it in his bed later that night. True, she wasn’t as soft and giving as Lisa. Sex with Carmen was somehow stronger, more invigorating, far more athletic than with any of his other lovers. He thought about Lisa’s softness, her adoration of him and wished Carmen was a little more appreciative of what she had. Still, tomorrow they would stay in bed all day, with absolutely nothing they had to do and nowhere they had to go. And with those dogs out of the way for a while Andrew could expect some full on devotion from Carmen. It was a sweet thought.

Carmen took a slow sip of the wine and sank into the bubbles and down beneath the surface looking for the stillness and darkness she needed. She resurfaced and inhaled deeply. The perfume of the bath oils and aromatherapy candles were soothing to her troubled spirit. Andrew’s words, meant to make her feel better instead made her feel as bad as she had ever done. She focussed on her breathing, felt the insistent push of the spa water calm her. She sipped the champagne, let the bubbles fizz into her nose. She giggled softly and let her hand wander down her body, across her breast, where Andrew had recently left his own scent. She felt the fullness of her breast, the smoothness of her skin, the hardness of her belly. Her hand lingered at the top of her thigh, the slightly fleshy part that gave way to her sacred place of pleasure. She let her thighs fall apart under the water and moved her fingers inside.

Gently at first, like a moth beating against the glass, little fluttering movements at the edge of her woman’s lips. Then firmly she pushed inside herself. She gasped softly as she felt herself relax completely, her two fingers knowing exactly what to do. Slowly, firmly moving in and out of her pussy, opening it up, letting the water swirling around her increase her heat. She felt that old familiar flush of heat moving up from her toes. She knew her face was pink and her pussy was now fully open and ready for the finale. She swivelled around on her ass and found one of the spa jets. She upped the power and moved her hips in close, just like mounting a man. She pushed her engorged lips over the jet and sat as still as she could, letting that energetic spurt of water push into her, push into all those hidden crevices and secret spaces that a man couldn’t quite pleasure. It was too much to stay still, to receive the pleasure and not respond. She pushed into the water, meeting its force with her desire. A primal moan rose in her throat and the spurt hit her again and again and she came into the bubbles, her female juices and the soothing oils mixing as one.

The dream was recurring every night. Carmen couldn’t shake it from her subconscious not matter how much she told herself that everything was all right. Her apartment was being attended to: AA insisting on a state of the art security system. The dogs were recovering well, no sign of permanent damage from the poison. Andrew was almost incandescent with joy at having her “living” with him. She knew he saw it as the beginning of their permanent life together. She was still planning on returning to her own place once everything was ready. Although she thought it seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time. Surely a few days would do it, not a few weeks? She knew she had no reason to distrust Andrew, no reason to think that he would lie to her about anything. But his insistence on controlling the tidy-up after the break in and attack on Alaska and Zanzibar was not making her feel better: in fact it was making her feel quite claustrophobic.

Not for the first time since she’d agreed to marry him nearly two months ago now, did Carmen actually wonder why she’d said yes to him. She did love him and she had no reason to think that his feelings for her were anything but true and deep. Despite his “dirty dancing” with the most recent ex at the launch he had shown no desire to be back on the market. He didn’t look at other women any more: in fact he was devoted to her. She had no reason to be jealous, no reason to be suspicious of AA at all. He was everything she’d imagined a loving partner would be, considerate, generous, great in bed. So why was the dream back with such a vengeance? How much of that was to do with Victor?

Carmen sighed and looked out the window of her office. She was finding it difficult to concentrate on work. She had to wonder if this was what she really wanted. The truth was she wasn’t equipped for anything really. Only swimming it seemed and looking attractive on men’s arms. No, that was silly. AA wasn’t like that. Others had been, that was true. But not AA. After a collection of disastrous affairs he was what she needed. Her mother had offered the opinion that Carmen was famously bad at choosing men. Yes, they were good looking, always tall – well they had to be – but most were far too arrogant, manifestly insincere and were usually more interested in increasing their public profile through their association with her. Too many sports stars, too many older men, none of whom actually cared about her. Yet, she fell for them again and again. She liked athletic, confident men. Sex was usually good and she’d never actually had her heart broken. Bruised a bit but not rent in two.

She had accepted her mother’s wisdom, such as it was, and believed that really she hadn’t met the right guy yet. Well, like many little girls who idolise their father that was what she was looking for. Was AA like her dad? Did he simply adore her and want to protect her from the world? Her father had been like that. She could do no wrong, was able to wrap him around her little finger, much to her mother’s palpable disgust. Carmen had often wondered if she was the cause of her mother’s misery – had Carmen’s arrival been the catalyst for her mother’s descent into depression, alcohol and misery? Was it because her father had been so devoted to her, had forsaken his wife for his daughter?

Carmen trawled through her memory. How many times before her father died had the three of them been happy together? Christmas? Birthdays? A few occasions, but not many. The happy times of her childhood were moments with her dad, usually in the forests, camping out, fishing and hunting – more of a son than a daughter. Watching the stars in the night sky. He taught her things about the world, about Nature. He showed her how to do things and she could bait and cast a line, set a trap for a rabbit and then cook her spoils on the campfire. Her dad never bossed her around, never corrected her, preferring her to find her own way, which was usually pretty good anyway. He never felt the need to control and direct her. He could just let her be, let her find her own path. Her mum couldn’t. AA couldn’t. If she was looking for her father in the collection of older men she’d encountered she certainly hadn’t found him in AA. Not in any of them. She’d never been convinced she was looking for her dad anyway. Certainly she wanted love. Absolutely she wanted to feel as accepted and special as her dad made her feel. And always, Carmen had wondered why her mother simply couldn’t muster the emotional energy to love her.

At least now they had a more than cordial relationship. Madeleine was relieved to be supported by Carmen, quietly proud of her daughter’s successes, impressed with Andrew (she knew all about his family and their connections) and happy to see Carmen once a month or so, just for lunch or dinner. They didn’t really have much to say to each other and at least AA now filled many of the silences that used to punctuate their monthly meals. At least texting was impersonal enough for both of them and preserved the illusion of a caring relationship.

Carmen wasn’t sure that Madeleine’s enthusiastic endorsement of AA and her concomitant warming to her daughter was a good enough reason to marry Andrew but it all contributed to his escalating presence in her life. Madeleine had been unequivocal when AA had informed her about the attack on the dogs. Carmen should give up the place and accept her fate and live with Andrew. What she couldn’t understand was why Carmen was so resistant to living with AA.

“Why are you engaged then?” she’d demanded. “Is it just for the publicity, to ensure the job?”

Carmen sighed. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“No, I don’t.” Madeleine had been invited to lunch at AA’s loft apartment and she was examining every square inch of it while AA got fresh bread from the Italian deli five minutes away from his building. “This is a superb place. Look at all this light – the view over the river. Your basement just doesn’t compare.”

“Is that why you never visit? Because it’s so un-vogue? Are you only here because the address has a particular cache?”

“Oh, Carmen,” Madeleine sighed. “You have to admit this place has great views and the security.”

“Have you and Andrew been conspiring about me?”

Madeleine shook her head. “You are a silly girl. This is so obviously superior to your place. Why wouldn’t you want to live here?”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“Why would I? You’ve been lonely all your life and now you have all that any girl could hope for and you’re going to blow it. Of course I don’t understand why you’re so jumpy about moving in with Andrew. What is it that you’re looking for?”

It was a fair question. What was she looking for?

Madeleine looked at Carmen with the barest hint of sympathy. “Your father was not what you thought he was. Stop looking for what doesn’t exist. You’ll only make yourself miserable.”

“Like you, you mean,” Carmen sighed. Her mother’s unhappiness was not hers. She had never loved David, not truly. It was obvious to everyone. Carmen believed her mother had been relieved by his death. It had allowed Madeleine to let herself go and not bother about any sort of pretence of a normal family life. She was free to drink her life away, especially as an assortment of other people – usually coaches and their wives - were happy to take care of Carmen. No, thought Carmen, it wasn’t a father she was looking for but a mother. A mother who loved her, cared for her and understood her. Looking at Madeleine examine Andrew’s apartment in minute detail, his taste in everything, her smug smile, Carmen knew that it was impossible for her to explain to her mother what was troubling her about AA. Especially as she couldn’t find the words herself. Wistfully she believed a loving mother, one with a connection to her daughter, would actually be able to put the feelings into words, name the anxiety and enable Carmen to deal with it.