The Best of Archy and Mehitabel (5 page)

with which he had lured me

into his house

not he the dirty slob

he pretended he did not know me

he turned upon me and attacked me

to make good with his boss

you mush faced bum i said

and clawed a piece out of his ear

i am a lady archy

always a lady

but an aristocrat will always

resent an insult

the woman picked up a mop and made

for me well well madam i said

it is unfortunate for you that

you have on sheer silk stockings

and i wrote my protest

on her shin it took reinforcements

in the shape of the cook

to rauss me archy and as i went

out the window i said to the fluffy person

you will hear from me later

he had promised me everything archy

that cat had

he had practically abducted me

and then the cheap crook threw me down

before his swell friends

no lady loves a scene archy

and i am always the lady no matter

what temporary disadvantages

i may struggle under

to hell with anything unrefined

has always been my motto

violence archy always does something

to my nerves

but an aristocrat must revenge

an insult i owe it to my family

to protect my good name

so i laid for that slob

for two days and nights and finally

i caught the boob in the shrubbery

pretty thing i said

it hurts me worse than it does you

to remove that left eye of yours

but i did it with one sweep of my claws

you call yourself a gentleman do you

i said as i took a strip out of his nose

you will think twice after this before

you offer an insult

to an unprotected young tabby

where is the little love nest you spoke

of i asked him

you go and lie down there i said

and maybe you can incubate another ear

because i am going to take one of

yours right off now

and with those words i made ribbons

out of it you are the guy

i said to him that was going to give

me an easy life sheltered from all

the rough ways of the world

fluffy dear you don t know what the

rough ways of the world are

and i am going to show you

i have got you out here

in the great open spaces

where cats are cats

and im gonna make you understand

the affections of a lady ain t to be

trifled with by any slicker like you

where is that red ribbon with the

silver bells you promised me

the next time you betray the trust

of an innocent female

reflect on whether she may

carry a wallop little fiddle strings

this is just a mild lesson i am giving

you tonight i said as i took

the fur off his back and you oughta

be glad you didn t make me really

angry my sense of dignity is all that

saves you a lady little sweetness

never loses her poise and i thank god

i am always a lady even if i do

live my own life and with that i

picked him up by what was left of

his neck like a kitten and laid him

on the doormat slumber gently and

sweet dreams fluffy dear i said and

when you get well make it a rule of

your life never to trifle with another

girlish confidence i have been

abducted again and again by a dam

sight better cats than he ever was

or will be

well archy the world is full of ups

and downs but toujours gai is my motto

cheerio my deario

archy

damned be this transmigration

doubledamned be the boob pythagoras

the gink that went and invented it

i hope that his soul for a thousand

turns of the wheel of existence

bides in the shell of a louse

dodging a fine toothed comb

i once was a vers libre poet

i died and my spirit migrated

into the flesh of a cockroach

gods how i yearn to be human

neither a vers libre poet

nor yet the inmate of a cockroach

a six footed scurrying cockroach

given to bastard hexameters

longfellowish sprawling hexameters

rather had i been a starfish

to shoot a heroic pentameter

gods i am pent in a cockroach

i with the soul of a dante

am mate and companion of fleas

i with the gift of a homer

must smile when a mouse calls me pal

tumble bugs are my familiars

this is the punishment meted

because i have written vers libre

here i abide in the twilight

neither a man nor an insect

and ghosts of the damned that await

a word from the core of the cosmos

to pop into bodies grotesque

are all the companions i have

with intellect more than a bug s

ghosts of the damned under sentence

to crawl into maggots and live there

or work out a stretch as a rat

cheerful companions to pal with

i with the brain of a milton

fell into the mincemeat at christmas

and was damned near baked in a pie

i with the touch of a chaucer

to be chivvied out of a sink

float through a greasy drain pipe

into the hell of a sewer

i with the tastes of a byron

expected to live upon garbage

gods what a charnel existence

curses upon that pythagoras

i hope that he dwells for a million

turns of the wheel of life

deep in an oyster crab s belly

stewed in the soup of gehenna

i with the soul of a hamlet

doomed always to wallow in farce

yesterday maddened with sorrow

i leapt from the woolworth tower

in an effort to dash out my brains

gods what a wretched pathetic

and anti climactic attempt

i fluttered i floated i drifted

i landed as light as a feather

on the top of a bald man s head

whose hat had blown off at the corner

and all of the hooting hundreds

laughed at the comic cockroach

not mine was the suicide s solace

of a dull thud ending it all

gods what a terrible tragedy

not to make good with the tragic

gods what a heart breaking pathos

to be always doomed to the comic

o make me a cockroach entirely

or make me a human once more

give me the mind of a cockroach

or give me the shape of a man

if i were to plan out a drama

great as great shakespeare s othello

it would be touched with the cockroach

and people would say it was comic

even the demons i talk with

ghosts of the damned that await

vile incarnation as spiders

affect to consider me comic

wait till their loathsome embodiment

wears into the stuff of the spirit

and then let them laugh if they can

damned be the soul of pythagoras

who first filled the fates with this notion

of transmigration of spirits

i hope he turns into a flea

on the back of a hound of hell

and is chased for a million years

with a set of red hot teeth

exclamation point

archy

well boss

mehitabel the cat

has reappeared in her old

haunts with a

flock of kittens

three of them this time

archy she said to me

yesterday

the life of a female

artist is continually

hampered what in hell

have i done to deserve

all these kittens

i look back on my life

and it seems to me to be

just one damned kitten

after another

i am a dancer archy

and my only prayer

is to be allowed

to give my best to my art

but just as i feel

that i am succeeding

in my life work

along comes another batch

of these damned kittens

it is not archy

that i am shy on mother love

god knows i care for

the sweet little things

curse them

but am i never to be allowed

to live my own life

i have purposely avoided

matrimony in the interests

of the higher life

but i might just

as well have been a domestic

slave for all the freedom

i have gained

i hope none of them

gets run over by

an automobile

my heart would bleed

if anything happened

to them and i found it out

but it isn t fair archy

it isn t fair

these damned tom cats have all

the fun and freedom

if i was like some of these

green eyed feline vamps i know

i would simply walk out on the

bunch of them and

let them shift for themselves

but i am not that kind

archy i am full of mother love

my kindness has always

been my curse

a tender heart is the cross i bear

self sacrifice always and forever

is my motto damn them

i will make a home

for the sweet innocent

little things

unless of course providence

in his wisdom should remove

them they are living

just now in an abandoned

garbage can just behind

a made over stable in greenwich

village and if it rained

into the can before i could

get back and rescue them

i am afraid the little

dears might drown

it makes me shudder just

to think of it

of course if i were a family cat

they would probably

be drowned anyhow

sometimes i think

the kinder thing would be

for me to carry the

sweet little things

over to the river

and drop them in myself

but a mother s love archy

is so unreasonable

something always prevents me

these terrible

conflicts are always

presenting themselves

to the artist

the eternal struggle

between art and life archy

is something fierce

yes something fierce

my what a dramatic

life i have lived

one moment up the next

moment down again

but always gay archy always gay

and always the lady too

in spite of hell

well boss it will

be interesting to note

just how mehitabel

works out her present problem

a dark mystery still broods

over the manner

in which the former

family of three kittens

disappeared

one day she was talking to me

of the kittens

and the next day when i asked

her about them

she said innocently

what kittens

interrogation point

and that was all

i could ever get out

of her on the subject

we had a heavy rain

right after she spoke to me

but probably that garbage can

leaks and so the kittens

have not yet

been drowned

archy