The Best of Archy and Mehitabel (6 page)

well boss i met

mehitabel the cat

trying to dig a

frozen lamb chop

out of a snow

drift the other day

a heluva comedown

that is for me archy

she says a few

brief centuries

ago one of old

king

tut

ankh

amen s favorite

queens and today

the village scavenger

but wotthehell

archy wotthehell

it s cheerio

my deario that

pulls a lady through

see here mehitabel

i said i thought

you told me that

it was cleopatra

you used to be

before you

transmigrated into

the carcase of a cat

where do you get

this tut

ankh

amen stuff

question mark

i was several

ladies my little

insect says she

being cleopatra was

only an incident

in my career

and i was always getting

the rough end of it

always being

misunderstood by some

strait laced

prune faced bunch

of prissy mouthed

sisters of uncharity

the things that

have been said

about me archy

exclamation point

and all simply

because i was a

live dame

the palaces i have

been kicked out of

in my time

exclamation point

but wotthehell

little archy wot

thehell

it s cheerio

my deario

that pulls a

lady through

exclamation point

framed archy always

framed that is the

story of all my lives

no chance for a dame

with the anvil chorus

if she shows a little

motion it seems to

me only yesterday

that the luxor local

number one of

the ladies axe

association got me in

dutch with king tut and

he slipped me the

sarcophagus always my

luck yesterday an empress

and today too

emaciated to interest

a vivisectionist but

toujours gai archy

toujours gai and always

a lady in spite of hell

and transmigration

once a queen

always a queen

archy

period

one of her

feet was frozen

but on the other three

she began to caper and

dance singing it s

cheerio my deario

that pulls a lady

through her morals may

have been mislaid somewhere

in the centuries boss but

i admire her spirit

archy

i was talking to a moth

the other evening

he was trying to break into

an electric light bulb

and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows

pull this stunt i asked him

because it is the conventional

thing for moths or why

if that had been an uncovered

candle instead of an electric

light bulb you would

now be a small unsightly cinder

have you no sense

plenty of it he answered

but at times we get tired

of using it

we get bored with the routine

and crave beauty

and excitement

fire is beautiful

and we know that if we get

too close it will kill us

but what does that matter

it is better to be happy

for a moment

and be burned up with beauty

than to live a long time

and be bored all the while

so we wad all our life up

into one little roll

and then we shoot the roll

that is what life is for

it is better to be a part of beauty

for one instant and then cease to

exist than to exist forever

and never be a part of beauty

our attitude toward life

is come easy go easy

we are like human beings

used to be before they became

too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him

out of his philosophy

he went and immolated himself

on a patent cigar lighter

i do not agree with him

myself i would rather have

half the happiness and twice

the longevity

but at the same time i wish

there was something i wanted

as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

i got acquainted with

a parrot named pete recently

who is an interesting bird

pete says he used

to belong to the fellow

that ran the mermaid tavern

in london then i said

you must have known

shakespeare know him said pete

poor mutt i knew him well

he called me pete and i called him

bill but why do you say poor mutt

well said pete bill was a

disappointed man and was always

boring his friends about what

he might have been and done

if he only had a fair break

two or three pints of sack

and sherris and the tears

would trickle down into his

beard and his beard would get

soppy and wilt his collar

i remember one night when

bill and ben jonson and

frankie beaumont

were sopping it up

here i am ben says bill

nothing but a lousy playwright

and with anything like luck

in the breaks i might have been

a fairly decent sonnet writer

i might have been a poet

if i had kept away from the theatre

yes says ben i ve often

thought of that bill

but one consolation is

you are making pretty good money

out of the theatre

money money says bill what the hell

is money what i want is to be

a poet not a business man

these damned cheap shows

i turn out to keep the

theatre running break my heart

slap stick comedies and

blood and thunder tragedies

and melodramas say i wonder

if that boy heard you order

another bottle frankie

the only compensation is that i get

a chance now and then

to stick in a little poetry

when nobody is looking

but hells bells that isn t

what i want to do

i want to write sonnets and

songs and spenserian stanzas

and i might have done it too

if i hadn t got

into this frightful show game

business business business

grind grind grind

what a life for a man

that might have been a poet

well says frankie beaumont

why don t you cut it bill

i can t says bill

i need the money i ve got

a family to support down in

the country well says frankie

anyhow you write pretty good

plays bill any mutt can write

plays for this london public

says bill if he puts enough

murder in them what they want

is kings talking like kings

never had sense enough to talk

and stabbings and stranglings

and fat men making love

and clowns basting each

other with clubs and cheap puns

and off color allusions to all

the smut of the day oh i know

what the low brows want

and i give it to them

well says ben jonson

don t blubber into the drink

brace up like a man

and quit the rotten business

i can t i can t says bill

i ve been at it too long i ve got to

the place now where i can t

write anything else

but this cheap stuff

i m ashamed to look an honest

young sonneteer in the face

i live a hell of a life i do

the manager hands me some mouldy old

manuscript and says

bill here s a plot for you

this is the third of the month

by the tenth i want a good

script out of this that we

can start rehearsals on

not too big a cast

and not too much of your

damned poetry either

you know your old

familiar line of hokum

they eat up that falstaff stuff

of yours ring him in again

and give them a good ghost

or two and remember we gotta

have something dick burbage can get

his teeth into and be sure

and stick in a speech

somewhere the queen will take

for a personal compliment and if

you get in a line or two somewhere

about the honest english yeoman

it s always good stuff

and it s a pretty good stunt

bill to have the heavy villain

a moor or a dago or a jew

or something like that and say

i want another

comic welshman in this

but i don t need to tell

you bill you know this game

just some of your ordinary

hokum and maybe you could

kill a little kid or two a prince

or something they like

a little pathos along with

the dirt now you better see burbage

tonight and see what he wants

in that part oh says bill

to think i am

debasing my talents with junk

like that oh god what i wanted

was to be a poet

and write sonnet serials

like a gentleman should

well says i pete

bill s plays are highly

esteemed to this day

is that so says pete

poor mutt little he would

care what poor bill wanted

was to be a poet

archy

coarse

jocosity

catches the crowd

shakespeare

and i

are often

low browed

the fish wife

curse

and the laugh

of the horse

shakespeare

and i

are frequently

coarse

aesthetic

excuses

in bill s behalf

are adduced

to refine

big bill s

coarse laugh

but bill

he would chuckle

to hear such guff

he pulled

rough stuff

and he liked

rough stuff

hoping you

are the same

archy

i ran onto mehitabel again

last evening

she is inhabiting

a decayed trunk

which lies in an alley

in greenwich village

in company with the

most villainous tom cat

i have ever seen

but there is nothing

wrong about the association

archy she told me

it is merely a plutonic

attachment

and the thing can be

believed for the tom

looks like one of pluto s demons

it is a theatre trunk

archy mehitabel told me

and tom is an old theatre cat

he has given his life

to the theatre

he claims that richard

mansfield once

kicked him out of the way

and then cried because

he had done it and

petted him

and at another time

he says in a case

of emergency

he played a bloodhound

in a production of

uncle tom s cabin

the stage is not what it

used to be tom says

he puts his front paw

on his breast and says

they don t have it any more

they don t have it here

the old troupers are gone

there s nobody can troupe

any more

they are all amateurs nowadays

they haven t got it

here

there are only

five or six of us oldtime

troupers left

this generation does not know

what stage presence is

personality is what they lack

personality

where would they get

the training my old friends

got in the stock companies

i knew mr booth very well

says tom

and a law should be passed

preventing anybody else

from ever playing

in any play he ever

played in

there was a trouper for you

i used to sit on his knee

and purr when i was

a kitten he used to tell me

how much he valued my opinion

finish is what they lack

finish

and they haven t got it

here

and again he laid his paw

on his breast

i remember mr daly very

well too

i was with mr daly s company

for several years

there was art for you

there was team work

there was direction

they knew the theatre

and they all had it

here

for two years mr daly

would not ring up the curtain

unless i was in the

prompter s box

they are amateurs nowadays

rank amateurs all of them

for two seasons i played

the dog in joseph

jefferson s rip van winkle

it is true i never came

on the stage

but he knew i was just off

and it helped him

i would like to see

one of your modern

theatre cats

act a dog so well

that it would convince

a trouper like jo jefferson

but they haven t got it

nowadays

they haven t got it

here

jo jefferson had it he had it

here

i come of a long line

of theatre cats

my grandfather

was with forrest

he had it he was a real trouper

my grandfather said

he had a voice

that used to shake

the ferryboats

on the north river

once he lost his beard

and my grandfather

dropped from the

fly gallery and landed

under his chin

and played his beard

for the rest of the act

you don t see any theatre

cats that could do that

nowadays

they haven t got it they

haven t got it

here

once i played the owl

in modjeska s production

of macbeth

i sat above the castle gate

in the murder scene

and made my yellow

eyes shine through the dusk

like an owl s eyes