The Best of Fools (Jane Austen Book 2) (35 page)

I was thankful to have more alone time with Alistair.

He nodded toward her piano. An old, beaten piano taking up most of her apartment. I shook my head. Didn't know how to play anything. At all.

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"You need to start somewhere," he said, nodding toward the intimidating thing. "Go on."

"I really can't play at all. I'm horrible."

"Try." He took my hand and led me to the piano bench. "Sit."

I sat down and placed my hands on the keys. "I really don't—"

He covered my eyes. "Keep them closed." He removed his hands. "Now find a note you like. Just one."

I pressed a few keys until I found one.

"Now. Relax." He shook my shoulders to loosen me up and kept his hands there. "Now play what you feel. Don't think. Don't open your eyes. Only play what you feel."

I pressed the single note again and zeroed in on the way his hands felt on my shoulders. I pressed again. The note was on the lower end of the piano and had a deep, sad resonance. Then I hit another key a few up from that. Alistair leaned over me. His chest warmed my back as he told me to keep my eyes closed and then placed his hands over mine. My right hand came into play. I replayed everything from the airport on my birthday to the surprise at the new shop. Our first kiss. The old woman. Batman marathons. Popcorn fights. Plenty of cuppas. And laughter. Lots of laughter.

He let go of my hands and held my shoulders again.

My hands moved left and right. The notes turned deeper again as I pictured saying goodbye. He said we'd make it work, but he lived off of hope and believed the glass was not only half full, but overflowing.

I stopped, breathed in and out, then continued playing until I felt Donovan and Han's presence near me. Embarrassed, I opened my eyes and stared at my hands. Alistair sat down beside me, placed his fingers on the keys, and started where I left off.

Only he took it further. Louder. Happier and sadder all at once. His eyes were closed and he played effortlessly. Drums, guitar, piano, singing, symphonies. What couldn't he do? I loved it. I felt it. Every high note and every low note. Every meaning behind it.

When he finished he looked at me, hands still on the keys. Our eyes searched each other's for a few seconds, then I kissed his cheek and whispered, "Why so serious?"

He nearly smiled, but didn't quite make it all the way.

I so wanted to know what he was thinking.

Donovan and Han must had disappeared into the kitchen again, leaving us alone to be so serious. We stared, barely blinking. I don't know about him, but I was holding on to the moment, capturing it and filing it in my mind. Memories always worried me too. I could take a thousand pictures with my mind, but what if I lost my mind and all of my memories with it? What if—one day—I couldn't remember him?

After dinner Alistair excused himself to go to the bathroom and Don finally asked me how things were going with a goofy smile on his face.

Our friendship endured many ups and downs and I can honestly say that for the first time ever it felt like a friendship and nothing more. Except it felt right this time. Like it should've been that way all along.

I nodded and looked at my lap.

"Look at Han and me," he said, taking her hand. "A boat load of obstacles to overcome, but we're together and we'll face them together. That's all that matters."

She smiled that sweet smile of hers and leaned her head into his shoulder.

"But you two live in the same country," I said. "It's a lot different."

"Do you love him, Jazz?"

"Sometimes when you love someone the best thing you can do is let them go."

"Sometimes," he said. "But sometimes that's the worst thing too."

"Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference."

"And sometimes it's not."

I tried, with everything in me, to enjoy our last night together, but it was weird. Just no getting around it. All I could think about was ... what's next? A Skype relationship? I didn't want that. I also couldn't leave the shop after what everyone did for me. And ask him to move to America? I couldn't ask that of him either. Especially considering how complicated it seemed from my quick Internet search. Maybe if we got married it would be easier, but that wouldn't be happening anytime soon.

So, that left a Skype relationship and maybe a few visits when we could afford it.

Donovan said it was better than nothing. Not to me. Absence hurts like hell. I was already missing Autumn like crazy. I sent her so many texts and would hear back hours later. Something like,
I'm busy, but we'll talk soon. Promise.

That promise hadn’t decided to show up yet.

I didn't want to carry out a long-distance relationship over months and months only to be devastated when it ended. Everyone kept saying I was being immature. Even Mom and Dad told me to let it be and enjoy it for what it was, not that I fully trusted their opinions about romance with their heads being in the clouds and all, but still. Why didn’t anyone realize how painful it is to let someone in only to watch them walk away without the promise of returning?

Actually he did promise. He said he’d come back and visit in a few months. He promised we’d make it work. But to me those promises felt empty, like Autumn’s promise that we’d talk later. She had a new life. New friends. New boyfriend, knowing her. Her schedule was crazy and that promise wasn’t something I held dear, because I knew better.

“Am I being immature?” I said to myself as Alistair took a shower before bed.

My other self couldn’t respond, because no part of myself knew how to answer that question. Was I being immature? Was I being unreasonable? Difficult? Childish? Totally unromantic and boring?

“I’m just being me,” I said.

I sent Autumn another text.
Hey. Hope you’re doing well. Miss you lots.

And of course I stared at the phone waiting for a response only to
not
receive one. So, I sent Donovan a message instead.
Why can’t I just love him, Don? He’s so amazing. He’s so sweet to me. The way it feels when he’s in the same room as me … it’s all so good. Why can’t I just be normal???

He responded quickly and said,
Because you’re not.

Me:
Thanks.

Him:
I don’t know, Jazz. I’ve heard you say “no, no … not that jane austen” so many times in your life. Maybe you’ve been so preoccupied with not being someone, that you haven’t allowed yourself to just be you.

Me:
What does that even mean???

Him:
It means … do what YOU want to do. If you want to overthink things and complicate it and make it like that, then do it with 100% of you and enjoy the little webs you get stuck in or … if you want to live in the moment and fall in love with lover boy, then do it with 100% of you. Just figure out what you want and do it. 100%.

Me:
What if all I do is fail? Do that with 100% too?

Him:
Yup. Fail passionately if you’re gonna fail!

Me:
I kinda like this advice.

Him:
Good. Now stop texting me and go find your lover boy.

Me:
He’s in the shower.

Him:
Even more reason to find him. ;-)

Me:
Mmmhmmm … thanks, D. Love you.

Him:
Love you too, DUCK! Hahaha…

Me:
Okay, done now.

Him:
Quack.

Me:
Byeeee Donovan.

Him:
:-D

Alistair came back into my room fully clothed and no, I did not take a shower with him. Tempting, but it was still afternoon and I was a little too self-conscious about my body to let him see it for the first time in the broad daylight. That would be during a nice candlelit moment when it just happened and was just right and the soft glow would make me look better than I actually was.

Half-kidding.

"I thought of a going away gift for you," he said as he ran his hand through his wet hair.

"You've already bought me so much."

"Just something little." He dropped his bag by my bed. "Also, I'm going to come back in October. It's only a month and a half away."

"Only...."

He stood right in front of me and held my wrists. "We'll talk every day."

I grabbed his hands and pressed my forehead against his chest. "How does it happen so fast?"

"Time flies when you're having fun."

"No, I mean how did this ... happen so fast?" I looked at his bare feet next to mine. "One day I saw you in the airport, and the next I can't be without you."

He pulled my chin up and searched my eyes. "Well, actually it's been a few months."

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, I know what you mean, but I don't know the answer. "

He moved his hands down to my neck and held one there, while slipping the other one behind my back. I wrapped my arms around him and fell into his embrace. Maybe it had only been a few months, but at the same time it felt like we had known each other for a lifetime.

"It's definitely the kiss," he said into my hair.

"What?"

"I knew I'd win you over with that kiss."

"Probably practiced with your pillow, huh?"

"No. I'm too posh for that." He started kissing my neck, then stopped to say, "Taped your picture to my mirror and went to town."

I laughed, but quickly stopped as the warmth of his lips continued to take over my neck and shoulders. He pulled my shirt down a little and kissed me where I got my first tattoo. With him. Then he made a trail of kisses back to my lips. I'm not sure at what point we ended up on the floor against my bed, but we did.

The passion between us elevated so fast and yet it never felt rushed. He took his time and every kiss from him seemed to have meaning and emotion behind it. Not once did I feel used or groped or like just another body. I felt loved and enjoyed and desired. Every time.

And I didn't want it to end. I really, really, really didn't want it to end.

The drive to the airport was as fast as the morning at my apartment. We didn't say much until it was too late. He needed to go and my heart was exploding with so many different emotions. My hands trembled and my voice cracked as he tried to pull away to say goodbye. But I pulled him back and everything I'd felt and thought the entire week needed to come out.

"You're killing me." He held my face. "Be strong for me. We can do this."

I sucked in my bottom lip and nodded.
Strong, yes. That's me. Jane. Strong. Totally strong. I can do this. Can. Do. This.

"Alistair, I can't do this."

"You can." He looked over his shoulder. "I've really got to get on now. We can do this, Jane."

I didn't cry. I wanted to. I even felt a puddle of tears somewhere behind my eyes, but it didn't happen. It was too fast. We were late for his flight. Literally ran into the airport. It wasn't the goodbye I expected.

It was all a blur. Then he walked away, looking over his shoulder and crushing my heart with those eyes. I hated it. Whoever the hell said absence makes the heart grow fonder doesn't know a thing about the heart. Fonder is not the word. Crushed, broken, confused. Those would fit better. I didn't need time apart to grow closer to him. I needed time with him. I wanted time with him.

I could no longer see him, so I turned in a circle as dozens of people walked by me. I watched others say goodbye and some say hello, then I sent him a text, hoping he still had his phone turned on.

Take care of my heart while I'm gone.

Your heart is safe with me
, he typed back.

M
e:
I miss you.

H
im:
I miss you too, little duck.