The Book of Awesome (14 page)
Read The Book of Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
Anyway, given the illustrious past of the almighty onion, don’t you feel like they don’t score enough credit these days? We don’t worship them like we used to, but maybe we should. After all, they’re still cheap, healthy, and easy to store. Plus they smell delicious
frying in a sizzling glob of butter with minced garlic on top
.
frying in a sizzling glob of butter with minced garlic on top
.
Seriously, when you walk into a house and smell onions and garlic frying, it’s a beautiful moment. Partly because they smell great, partly because it means
someone’s cooking dinner
, and partly because now you have to solve the mystery of what’s cooking. It could be anything, really: pierogies,
sausages
, curry, maybe a stir-fry? The point is that the house smells great and you can’t stop salivating.
someone’s cooking dinner
, and partly because now you have to solve the mystery of what’s cooking. It could be anything, really: pierogies,
sausages
, curry, maybe a stir-fry? The point is that the house smells great and you can’t stop salivating.
So next time you’re sniffing up that delicious aroma, just remember to stop for a second and think about the onion’s proud and noble heritage. Because they’ve come a long way to be part of your dinner tonight.
And they’re happy to be here.
AWESOME!
Nailing a parallel parking attempt on the first try
Have you ever driven down a two-lane road with cars parallel parked on both sides and a long line driving in front of you and behind you? I have, and let me tell you:
It’s a terrible feeling.
It’s a terrible feeling.
Most of the time I’d rather drive right by a good parking spot than face
The Audience
, that group of cars driving behind me and strangers beside me that stop to briefly witness the awkward reality show known as
Anyone Else’s Parallel Parking Attempt
.
The Audience
, that group of cars driving behind me and strangers beside me that stop to briefly witness the awkward reality show known as
Anyone Else’s Parallel Parking Attempt
.
Yeah, my stomach knots up and I lose confidence in my abilities to pull it off. I know the drivers behind me aren’t just watching me either. No, they’re judging me too, since the quality of my parking has a direct effect on the length of their drive.
If I’m terrible, they wait
, and they know it. They stare at me coldly, locking glances tightly with mine through the rearview mirror, daring me to pull it off.
If I’m terrible, they wait
, and they know it. They stare at me coldly, locking glances tightly with mine through the rearview mirror, daring me to pull it off.
Then finally I give it a go in one of two ways:
1.
The Driving School Method.
This is where you really don’t pay much attention to your car or the space you have to fit into. You just follow the book—pull up beside the car in front of the spot, put it in reverse, and spin the wheel until you’re 45 degrees out into the intersection, and then keep backing up while quickly spinning the wheel the other way really fast. If all went well, you should end up in the spot perfectly. Then again, this method is equivalent to building a bookshelf using the instructions only, without pausing to evaluate your work throughout the process. You might just finish and then stare up at the crooked, unbalanced pile of plywood you just nailed together and wonder what went wrong.
The Driving School Method.
This is where you really don’t pay much attention to your car or the space you have to fit into. You just follow the book—pull up beside the car in front of the spot, put it in reverse, and spin the wheel until you’re 45 degrees out into the intersection, and then keep backing up while quickly spinning the wheel the other way really fast. If all went well, you should end up in the spot perfectly. Then again, this method is equivalent to building a bookshelf using the instructions only, without pausing to evaluate your work throughout the process. You might just finish and then stare up at the crooked, unbalanced pile of plywood you just nailed together and wonder what went wrong.
2.
The Advanced Spatial Skills Method.
There’s no rhyme or reason to this one. You don’t do anything except size up the space and then fiddle and turn your wheel until you fit in. You’re just really good at aiming a big piece of metal into a small square hole. You’ll go in any which way and then presto magico, finished, simple as that. People who can do this amaze me. I cannot do this.
The Advanced Spatial Skills Method.
There’s no rhyme or reason to this one. You don’t do anything except size up the space and then fiddle and turn your wheel until you fit in. You’re just really good at aiming a big piece of metal into a small square hole. You’ll go in any which way and then presto magico, finished, simple as that. People who can do this amaze me. I cannot do this.
No, for me it’s the Driving School Method all the way.
I have no choice.
Of course, I usually do something wrong, like drive onto the sidewalk or end up a good three feet away from the curb. If I’m three feet away, I try frantically to “drive in” to the spot with an
awkward twelve-point turn
, failing to properly understand the impossibility of this move each time. Eventually I just give up and speed off, fleeing the scene and distancing myself from this horrible embarrassment as quickly as possible.
I have no choice.
Of course, I usually do something wrong, like drive onto the sidewalk or end up a good three feet away from the curb. If I’m three feet away, I try frantically to “drive in” to the spot with an
awkward twelve-point turn
, failing to properly understand the impossibility of this move each time. Eventually I just give up and speed off, fleeing the scene and distancing myself from this horrible embarrassment as quickly as possible.
I guess that’s what makes it so great when you actually
do
nail that parallel-parking job on the first try. When you pop into the spot perfectly and tightly, like a battery clicking into a remote control, you get a huge high, a smile reveals itself on your face, and there’s an
extra spring in your step
. Cars behind you zoom ahead, happy to keep moving but a little upset you got the spot and they didn’t. And once in a while, if you’re really lucky, an old guy will barrel-roll out of the nearby barber shop, extend his hand, and say, “Sonny, now
that
was impressive.”
do
nail that parallel-parking job on the first try. When you pop into the spot perfectly and tightly, like a battery clicking into a remote control, you get a huge high, a smile reveals itself on your face, and there’s an
extra spring in your step
. Cars behind you zoom ahead, happy to keep moving but a little upset you got the spot and they didn’t. And once in a while, if you’re really lucky, an old guy will barrel-roll out of the nearby barber shop, extend his hand, and say, “Sonny, now
that
was impressive.”
AWESOME!
The Perfect Chicken Wing Partner
There are two kinds of chicken wings.
First up, there’s the
Baby Drumstick
. You know the one. It’s a cute, little baby drumstick slathered in wing sauce. It’s the photo attachment you’d expect to see on a “We had a baby!” email sent to you from a couple buckets of fried chicken.
Baby Drumstick
. You know the one. It’s a cute, little baby drumstick slathered in wing sauce. It’s the photo attachment you’d expect to see on a “We had a baby!” email sent to you from a couple buckets of fried chicken.
Then there are
Flat Pats
. Think of it this way: If Baby Drumsticks are the thick, meaty bicep wings, then Flat Pats are the forearms. Like a forearm,
they’ve got two bones
, which means you have to tear them apart to get at the tasty meat inside. Don’t dismiss Flat Pats, though. Even though they may not have the Baby Drumstick’s sex appeal, they come through in the clutch.
Flat Pats
. Think of it this way: If Baby Drumsticks are the thick, meaty bicep wings, then Flat Pats are the forearms. Like a forearm,
they’ve got two bones
, which means you have to tear them apart to get at the tasty meat inside. Don’t dismiss Flat Pats, though. Even though they may not have the Baby Drumstick’s sex appeal, they come through in the clutch.
Now, some people prefer Baby Drumsticks. Others go for the Flat Pats. Just like some people like their wing sauce mild, some like medium, and some say, “Go suicide or go home.”
But people, that’s where
The Perfect Wing Partner
comes in. He or she is that special someone who likes
the exact same sauce as you but the exact opposite wing type
. You like medium? Perfect, so does she. What, you’re a Baby Drumstick kind of guy? Great, she’s into Flat Pats all the way.
The Perfect Wing Partner
comes in. He or she is that special someone who likes
the exact same sauce as you but the exact opposite wing type
. You like medium? Perfect, so does she. What, you’re a Baby Drumstick kind of guy? Great, she’s into Flat Pats all the way.
Face it: While you two are chowing down and enjoying your sticky late-night bar food, there’s a good chance you’ll both glance up at the same time, your sauce-soaked chins glimmering under the neon beer signs, and know, right then, right there, that you’ve just met your
Perfect Chicken Wing Partner
for life
.
Perfect Chicken Wing Partner
for life
.
AWESOME!
Discovering those little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box
Put your hand up if you’ve ever accidentally yanked the
entire roll
of aluminum foil out of the box when you were trying to swipe a small slice.
entire roll
of aluminum foil out of the box when you were trying to swipe a small slice.
My brother, if your hand is up right now, you are not alone.
See, I’m a bit clumsy in the kitchen. My oven burners are covered in burnt sauce stains, my sink drains are full of slithery rainbow-colored bits of last night’s dinner, and my cupboard of
really, really old Tupperware
looks like a plastic factory exploded.
really, really old Tupperware
looks like a plastic factory exploded.
Add to these issues my apparent love of yanking
entire sheets of aluminum foil
clear out of the box. Honestly, I just give a little tug and out pops the entire roll, hitting the floor and rolling away while laughing its crackly metallic laugh.
entire sheets of aluminum foil
clear out of the box. Honestly, I just give a little tug and out pops the entire roll, hitting the floor and rolling away while laughing its crackly metallic laugh.
Yeah, tell me that’s not a pathetic scene: Cut to freeze-frame of tired-looking man in bedhead and sweatpants holding an edge of aluminum foil in one hand and an empty box in the other, then slowly pan down to a floor covered in a thick, shiny snake of crinkled metal.
The only thing that looks worse is the fat, crumpled rolled-back-up roll stuffed in the box when I try to put it together again.
Yes, we’ve all been there.
But guess what? High tens around the room because there is hope for
People Like Us
. Shockingly, I have recently discovered those little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box that hold the roll in place! Believe it, food preservation fans, because they truly exist.
People Like Us
. Shockingly, I have recently discovered those little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box that hold the roll in place! Believe it, food preservation fans, because they truly exist.
Yes, the little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box can be indented so they
anchor the roll in the box
. Honestly, it’s a jaw-dropping discovery—like finding ten bucks in your winter jacket, a secret pocket in your old blazer, or a long-lost son you thought died in a stormy shipwreck.
anchor the roll in the box
. Honestly, it’s a jaw-dropping discovery—like finding ten bucks in your winter jacket, a secret pocket in your old blazer, or a long-lost son you thought died in a stormy shipwreck.
Now, whenever it was, whenever it is, whenever it will be: How good does it feel when you
first discover
those little tabs yourself? Give it up for a pretty good buzz.
first discover
those little tabs yourself? Give it up for a pretty good buzz.
So join me today as we give thanks to that
modern miracle
of the kitchen cupboard.
modern miracle
of the kitchen cupboard.
Those little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box.
AWESOME!
Your favorite old, comfy T-shirt
Sure, maybe the collar’s stretched,
the iron-on’s wearing off
, and a moth ate a few holes in the back, but how good does that translucent, tight-fitting second skin feel when you
squeeze into it
and rock it down the street?
the iron-on’s wearing off
, and a moth ate a few holes in the back, but how good does that translucent, tight-fitting second skin feel when you
squeeze into it
and rock it down the street?
AWESOME!
The smell of freshly cut grass
Freshly cut grass smells like twilight in the countryside, a football game about to start at the park, or a
sunny Saturday
morning in the suburbs. So whether you’re driving down a dusty farm road while the sun sets, stretching before the
whistle blows
, or putting your lawnmower back in the shed after crisscrossing your lot, just stop for a second, tip your head back real far, and take a big whiff, baby.
sunny Saturday
morning in the suburbs. So whether you’re driving down a dusty farm road while the sun sets, stretching before the
whistle blows
, or putting your lawnmower back in the shed after crisscrossing your lot, just stop for a second, tip your head back real far, and take a big whiff, baby.
AWESOME!
A long hug when you really need it
Sometimes we all get rattled.
When bad news surprises you, painful memories flash back, or heavy moments turn your stomach to mush, it’s great to fall into a warm and comforting pair of big, wide open arms.
Shaking with sobs, dripping with tears, you snort up your runny nose and smear snot across their shoulder as that hug relaxes you and comforts you and helps you get through everything, even for a minute,
even for a moment
.
even for a moment
.
Maybe there are “It’s going to be okay” whispers, some gentle
back rubbing
, or just the quiet silence of knowing that they’re not going to let go until you let go first. As their steady arms support you, and the pain washes over you, the hug gives you a warm glow in a shivery moment.
back rubbing
, or just the quiet silence of knowing that they’re not going to let go until you let go first. As their steady arms support you, and the pain washes over you, the hug gives you a warm glow in a shivery moment.
So when you eventually pull back, smile that classic “I’m sorry and thank you” smile, and swipe wet bangs off your forehead, you still might not feel great, but if you’re lucky you’ll feel a little more
AWESOME!
A good floss after a tough steak
How bad was
the first steak
you ever made?
the first steak
you ever made?
I hope it was better than the
charred shoe
I served for dinner after forty minutes of grilling. Needless to say, I made sure there wasn’t anything too raw in the middle there. Nothing too tasty either.
charred shoe
I served for dinner after forty minutes of grilling. Needless to say, I made sure there wasn’t anything too raw in the middle there. Nothing too tasty either.
Of course, the worst part about a tough steak is how
it haunts you
for the rest of the evening in the form of tough, stringy bits of beef wedged tightly between your teeth. No matter how hard you twist and turn your tongue, sometimes they don’t budge.
it haunts you
for the rest of the evening in the form of tough, stringy bits of beef wedged tightly between your teeth. No matter how hard you twist and turn your tongue, sometimes they don’t budge.
That’s when you have to bring in the big guns. Yes, that beautiful pack of floss should do the job just fine, thank you very much.
So yank a piece out, snap a piece off, and get down to business. Flecks of
chomped-up beef bits
are released from tight molar deathgrips as your teeth enjoy a tiny moment of sweet relief.
chomped-up beef bits
are released from tight molar deathgrips as your teeth enjoy a tiny moment of sweet relief.
AWESOME!
Dangling your feet in water
Feet need to breathe.
We already mentioned how your
corny paws
are sitting ugly at the bottom of the
You Chain
. Stepped on, squished on, dripping with sweat, they’re down low all day getting no love and no respect
.
corny paws
are sitting ugly at the bottom of the
You Chain
. Stepped on, squished on, dripping with sweat, they’re down low all day getting no love and no respect
.
So give them a well-deserved break. Peel those socks off, roll the jeans up, and
flash them ankles
, because it’s time to drop your bare, aching feet into some cool water.
flash them ankles
, because it’s time to drop your bare, aching feet into some cool water.
So whether it’s the gentle lapping on the edge of the dock, soft waves bouncing at the side of the boat, or fountains raining in a public pool, the calming and soothing feeling is good for the soul and good for the soles.
AWESOME!
Salt
You’re here because of salt.
Honestly, salt’s ability to preserve food was a foundation of civilization. People figured they could take their food with them and skipped town with a
lunch bag
to see what was over the hills. Salt affected where roads were built, cities were constructed, and kingdoms flourished.
lunch bag
to see what was over the hills. Salt affected where roads were built, cities were constructed, and kingdoms flourished.
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