The Book of Awesome (12 page)

But that’s what makes it so great when it starts coming down and out pops a giant umbrella from a friend who offers to gimme shelter for a few minutes. Yes, if your special someone is packing some
giant nylon heat
, then I think it’s fair to say you’re smiling high, your clothes are dry, and you’re rocking the streets under a tiny little patch of

AWESOME!

It’s like throwing a pail of cold water on all your smoking inner head parts. Gears unjam, lines start rolling, and you settle back in the restaurant booth with a satisfied smile on your face and just blurt it out.

“Parcheesi, that’s what it was called.”

AWESOME!

While flipping channels mindlessly one day, I ended up at the Fast Money round of
Family Feud
just as the host said to the contestant, “Name a household chore you don’t mind doing.”

The contestant flashed a split-second look of
massive confusion
before reluctantly spitting out an answer. When it was the second guy’s turn to answer it, he flashed the same look. One ended up saying
vacuuming
and the other went with
washing the dishes
. Neither got the top answer, which was
doing laundry
, so they unfortunately went home with empty pockets flipped inside out with flies buzzing out of them.

But you know what? I’m with them. Who knew people liked laundry? That can’t be true. For me, laundry has two major strikes against it:

For all these reasons it’s great when you’re lazily watching
Family Feud
on the couch and your spouse, roommate, or sibling trucks by carrying a basket full of clothes. If you’re lucky enough to get that
“Hey, need to throw anything in here?”
then it’s show time so get going!

You have maybe a minute or two before the washer starts filling up, so now’s your chance to drop everything, run to your dirty clothes, and start flinging out the bare minimum you need to get by for a few days. Do it fast, run back to the laundry room, and thank them profusely as you toss your clothes in the pile.

Then it’s back to the couch for the Triple Money round, where you can rest easy knowing you’ll have some freshly rinsed undies for tomorrow morning.

AWESOME!

Somebody shushes,
conversation hushes
, and all eyes flicker with delight as you watch your sizzling, glistening meals cruise out of the kitchen and slowly descend in front of you.

AWESOME!

When I was about fourteen years old, I signed up for something called
Junior Achievement
. It was a happy-go-lucky nonprofit group that promoted business and entrepreneur-ship skills in children. Or basically, it was a bunch of kids in a room every Thursday night acting like
middle managers
with adult supervision.

My group came up with a business called Roc Creations. This was a clever play on our core product: cheap, homemade rock necklaces. We thought it was a brilliant, failsafe plan. After all, who likes necklaces? Everybody, of course. And how cheap are rocks? Pretty darn cheap, man. We spent one Thursday
at the beach
, the next one painting, and a final Thursday drilling holes and tying string through them. We figured it was a solid plan, well executed.

Sadly, after a few weeks we realized we’d made a huge mistake. We bet all our chips on a losing hand. The necklaces failed to generate enough buzz and excitement at the flea markets, despite our screaming rhyming chants at
terrified housewives
, and we quickly tumbled into the red, piles of dead inventory and
drill bit invoices
mocking our poor judgment.

But then, like any good business, we evolved. We quickly changed our name to
Roc-Cal Creations
and printed off a quickie run of
cheapo laminated calendars
. We tied on a dry-erase marker, slapped some magnets on the back, and went door-to-door, neighbor-to-neighbor, selling these
reusable fridge calendars
for four bucks a pop.

Well, we managed to sell enough to get back in gear. We started to make money and established a strong partnership with the lady in the
markers aisle at Staples
. Yes, it all ended well, but not without some late nights under a dim lamp with a dollar-store calculator, a stack of graph paper, and a pile of
pencil crayons
, trying desperately to finish the numbers for our annual report, which was actually printed on the inside of one of our folded-up calendars.

It was a great experience and it really got
my buzz going
for running a business. That’s why I think it’s always fun when you see children running some sort of strange, hilarious, or terrible business. Because really, you’re just watching them learn things they don’t learn in the classroom and have fun doing it. They’re learning how to sell, picking up social skills, and jumping right into the whirring gears of the marketplace. And honestly, they’re doing all this by just getting out there and giving it a shot.

How cute are the twins
selling lemonade
on the street corner? The gymnastics team running the barbecue outside the mall? Or the kid who takes your grocery cart back if he gets to keep the twenty-five-cent deposit?

Those kids are all playing the game. So we say: Go on, kids. Do it well. Next time you’re selling some rock-hard cookies or salty date squares at a bake sale, sign us up. Because we’re not just buying some mild indigestion, are we?

No, we’re investing in the future.

AWESOME!

Sometimes after a day of walking around in
blistering summer heat,
I come down with a bad case of
Gross Face
.

People, I’m not proud of it, but on those steamy days a nasty combination of shiny forehead sweat, downtown street air, and dried-up sunblock gives me a mask I can’t shake. Yes, my otherwise flawless, milky-smooth complexion gets slathered with
the drips
, and suddenly I’m cruising around town with pit stains and a T-shirt sweat-glued to my back.

If you been there, you know it’s a sticky, sweaty slog.

But there is good news.

Invisible, frozen walls of cranked air conditioning exist just beyond the front door of the nearest coffee shop, post office, or
convenience store
. Just pop in to experience a frigid slap of ice-cold air right in the kisser.

When you find these hidden gems of subzero bliss, it’s like momentarily trading your
slimy sweat mask
for a new face. Glistening, wet necks get an
ice-cold sponge down
, stinging eyelids freeze to ice, and your disgusting hot-baked face gives a relaxing smile as it’s shotgun-blasted with a chilly round of

AWESOME!

It’s late, it’s quiet, and you’re stuck at a red light.

Casually, you glance to your left and notice a muted explosion of furious head bopping, furrowed eyebrows, and silent wailing inside, as the driver rocks out alone and in the zone.

And there’s just something worth smiling about when you observe that passionate display of
pure private pleasure
only a few feet away. Suddenly you’re the producer in the booth watching your struggling artist hit the high notes in their tight
sound chamber on wheels
. Yes, they’ve tried for years to get clean and make it off the streets, but now you’re finally smelling a hit . . .

. . . and a future.

So maybe you bop along for a few beats, catch the same song on your radio, or lock eyes with them for a second and share a warm and heartfelt laugh. Maybe you feel
a tiny flip
in your heart as you connect with a total stranger for a few fleeting seconds. And maybe it makes you a tiny bit happier and maybe you smile a tiny bit more.

I say we salute all the
highway rockers
of the world. Thanks for brightening our day and making us laugh at the reds. Rock on and keep belting them out, because you make the world shine brighter and make our long drives home a lot more

AWESOME!

Snow stepping is when you’re trudging through the snow wearing shoes, but someone ahead of you wore boots so you get to step in all the nice
Snow Holes
they made for you.

AWESOME!

Treat your feet.

Say you’re enjoying the backseat of the car, your
shaggy locks
whipping in the wind, your hand sailing carelessly out the window, and your head lightly bopping to the faint
Buddy Holly
tune on the AM dial.

But your feet, they are not fine, they are not carefree, and they ain’t bopping to no beat. No, they’re slippery, salty, and sweaty, wrapped tightly in a
hot pocket
of suffocating socks and shoes. Yes, buried deep under dense layers of cotton, wool, and leather, your aching soles are itching for some sweet release and a breath of fresh air.

So just let them out, friend.

Yes, when the car slips onto the side roads, the bus hits the interstate, or the plane tips up for liftoff, it’s time to tug those laces and pull your paws right out of the
Sweatcave
.

Sock removal is optional, but what’s not optional is rubbing your feet against that
little bar thing
that hangs down from the seat in front of you on the bus or airplane to give your stiff, aching soles
The Massage Of Their Life
.

How good does that feel?

So next time,
you’re goin’ to the grocer
, goin’ faster than a roller coaster, remember that breaks like this will, rarely come your way. A-hey, a-hey-hey.

’Cause every day, life seems a little faster, things slip up,
plans turn into disaster
, so ditch your kicks and find a little escape. A-hey, a-hey-hey.

AWESOME!

Eyeballs do not want to be touched.

Have you ever put fingers,
algae-filled lake water
, or shampoo in there? Yeah, that gets your eyes screaming in pain pretty quick, doesn’t it? Unless you’re using baby
No More Tears
shampoo, of course, in which case feel free to lather your eyeballs right on up, no worries.

But seriously, your eyes have their own plumbing system, so they’re pretty self-sufficient. Technically they’re called tear ducts, but they may as well be called
Eye Toilets
because they just flush your eye out. Nope, no need for any assistance folks, because your Eye Toilets have it all under control. Dust, dirt, tiny little microscopic bugs, flush, flush, flush away.

Your Eye Toilets are great at their job unless, of course, a
rogue eyelash
gets in there. When a rebel lash quietly unhinges itself from the confines of your eyelid and attempts a poorly planned escape to freedom, it’s not good. If you’re like me and are cursed with
poorly attached eyelashes
, then your lashes just give up and die all the time, flipping down into your eyeball and scratching you right in the cornea. Your Eye Toilets start flushing madly, but to no avail: That lash is sticking in there tight and it’s not budging.

I don’t care how many bar fights you’ve been in or
how many times you’ve been shot
, you know as well as I do that having an eyelash in your eye is incredibly painful, incredibly annoying, and requires intense focus to get through. You might even have to try one of these eyelash-removing methods: