The Book of Awesome (15 page)
Read The Book of Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
Get this: During the Roman Empire, caravans of up to forty thousand camels would mosey four hundred miles through the Sahara desert and trade salt for slaves at market. In the 1500s a vast Polish empire rose because of salt mines there but was wiped out when Germans figured out how to make
sea salt
instead. Salt caused wars and ended them, with armies salting the earth before they left to really mess up their enemy’s gardens.
sea salt
instead. Salt caused wars and ended them, with armies salting the earth before they left to really mess up their enemy’s gardens.
Yes, salt was so valuable that it was used as currency. Even the word
salary
was derived from the Latin word
salarium
, which means
money given to soldiers so they could buy salt.
salary
was derived from the Latin word
salarium
, which means
money given to soldiers so they could buy salt.
These days salt costs a dollar and is available everywhere salt is sold. Sure, we’ve dumped it on
dusty shelves
at the back of the grocery store and preached about its terrible health effects in
fitness magazines
, but let me just say—straight up—that nothing can take away salt’s mojo because here we go:
dusty shelves
at the back of the grocery store and preached about its terrible health effects in
fitness magazines
, but let me just say—straight up—that nothing can take away salt’s mojo because here we go:
1.
The lady, she brings the iodine.
Health organizations suggest sucking back 150 micrograms of iodine a day to keep fit and have fun. Unless you’re eating a lot of seaweed or fresh fish, the best way to pick this up is
iodized salt
. Sadly, the World Health Organization said in 2007 that more than two billion people have iodine deficiency, which results in thick goiters on the neck and stunted physical and mental growth. Not awesome.
The lady, she brings the iodine.
Health organizations suggest sucking back 150 micrograms of iodine a day to keep fit and have fun. Unless you’re eating a lot of seaweed or fresh fish, the best way to pick this up is
iodized salt
. Sadly, the World Health Organization said in 2007 that more than two billion people have iodine deficiency, which results in thick goiters on the neck and stunted physical and mental growth. Not awesome.
2.
Taste the rainbow.
Have you ever tossed salt in a stir-fry of bland vegetables? Buddy, now you’re talking. When you add salt, the flavors all have a coming-out party to celebrate. And thanks to salt’s powers of preservation, you can enjoy your food long after harvest.
Taste the rainbow.
Have you ever tossed salt in a stir-fry of bland vegetables? Buddy, now you’re talking. When you add salt, the flavors all have a coming-out party to celebrate. And thanks to salt’s powers of preservation, you can enjoy your food long after harvest.
3.
Fights ice real nice.
Those of us from the snowy side of the planet know ice patches on roads and sidewalks are slippery death traps. But kind, giving salt, always there, always ready, busts up those death sheets without hesitation.
Fights ice real nice.
Those of us from the snowy side of the planet know ice patches on roads and sidewalks are slippery death traps. But kind, giving salt, always there, always ready, busts up those death sheets without hesitation.
4.
It’s dirt cheap.
Nobody gets top dollar for salt at the market anymore. Nowadays a handful of warm quarters scores you a year’s supply.
It’s dirt cheap.
Nobody gets top dollar for salt at the market anymore. Nowadays a handful of warm quarters scores you a year’s supply.
5.
Never quits its day job.
Salt has a host of other uses. You gargle with it to help sore throats. Big companies use it to set dyes, keep things dry, and makes soaps and shampoos. Plus, if you’ve ever had a
giant leech sucking on your neck
, you know that tossing some salt in its face usually gets the job done.
Never quits its day job.
Salt has a host of other uses. You gargle with it to help sore throats. Big companies use it to set dyes, keep things dry, and makes soaps and shampoos. Plus, if you’ve ever had a
giant leech sucking on your neck
, you know that tossing some salt in its face usually gets the job done.
Life sure would be bland without salt. So people, please: If you have a moment, just sit back and remember that salt’s come a long way to be here today.
And we’ve come a long way because of it.
AWESOME!
When you know all the buttons to speed through the automated telephone system
If you’ve called your work voicemail system or local phone company so many times that you know how to jump through all the hoops to get right where you want, then you can
Press 1
for being
Press 1
for being
AWESOME!
Laughing so hard you make no sound at all
AWESOME!
When you nudge the person snoring next to you and it makes them stop
Just tap your elbow in the
rib cage
a bit, maybe pat the belly, or if you’re feeling particularly brave, give a kick to the back of the knees while loudly whispering
Shhhhhh
in his ears. If that still doesn’t work, it’s time to roll him on over, but don’t worry: If he wakes up, it will only last a second and he’ll never remember it tomorrow.
rib cage
a bit, maybe pat the belly, or if you’re feeling particularly brave, give a kick to the back of the knees while loudly whispering
Shhhhhh
in his ears. If that still doesn’t work, it’s time to roll him on over, but don’t worry: If he wakes up, it will only last a second and he’ll never remember it tomorrow.
AWESOME!
The sound of ice cubes cracking in a drink
This is the sound of your drink getting colder.
It’s the final moment in the sweet series of noises that get you ready for the first sip.
First there’s the glass clinking on the countertop, the crack n’
phshhhh
of the soda can opening, the
glug-glug-glug
pour, the snapping of the ice cube tray, and the quiet
bloopbloop
of the cubes dropping in your drink.
phshhhh
of the soda can opening, the
glug-glug-glug
pour, the snapping of the ice cube tray, and the quiet
bloopbloop
of the cubes dropping in your drink.
These opening acts make way for the big show that is the loud satisfying sound of ice cubes cracking and splitting. As you smile and see your glass frosting up, it’s time to give a little swirl and take the first sip.
AWESOME!
Solving the
Wheel of Fortune
puzzle before the people on the show
Wheel of Fortune
puzzle before the people on the show
Sure, most of the time they beat you to the punch. But once in a while you manage to get in there and shout it out before they’re done
buying a vowel
. Screaming out the right answer is great because it means you’re smarter than three random people on TV. And since at the time you’re gorging on a plate of cookies on the couch with your eyelids half-drooped, this is a pretty good feeling.
buying a vowel
. Screaming out the right answer is great because it means you’re smarter than three random people on TV. And since at the time you’re gorging on a plate of cookies on the couch with your eyelids half-drooped, this is a pretty good feeling.
We’ll take it.
AWESOME!
When the guy at the border doesn’t ask any questions
Crossing the border is stressful.
Long lines, heavy fines, interview questions,
passport inspections
, and through it all you’re hoping you don’t get an angry customs guy on a power trip. After all, you’re completely at his mercy. Unzipping your suitcase, quizzing you on your itinerary, all is fair game.
passport inspections
, and through it all you’re hoping you don’t get an angry customs guy on a power trip. After all, you’re completely at his mercy. Unzipping your suitcase, quizzing you on your itinerary, all is fair game.
If you’re like me, you get nervous and feel like you might mess up an answer to a question you really do know and sound like you’re lying as a result.
“What’s the purpose of your trip, sir?”
“Uh . . . what, sorry? Oh, um, I’m just, sorry, I’m just going to Chicago?”
“Please come with me.”
That’s why nothing beats the
wave-through
. Customs guy, when you deliver that muted two-finger keep-going wave we’re loving you lots.
wave-through
. Customs guy, when you deliver that muted two-finger keep-going wave we’re loving you lots.
Thanks for letting us in.
AWESOME!
Really, really selling it while barbecuing
That thick, smoky
barbecue smell
floats through the yard and everybody starts salivating for dinner.
barbecue smell
floats through the yard and everybody starts salivating for dinner.
Yes, sizzling sides of beef and black-burnt wieners are coming right up as the sun’s dropping,
the party’s hopping
, and your friends are all chilling with ice-cracking drinks on your backyard patio. And if you’re in charge of grilling up dinner, then there aren’t many things that scream
I’m Serious About This
more than really, really selling it to all your friends. Oh sure, some things come close, such as:
the party’s hopping
, and your friends are all chilling with ice-cracking drinks on your backyard patio. And if you’re in charge of grilling up dinner, then there aren’t many things that scream
I’m Serious About This
more than really, really selling it to all your friends. Oh sure, some things come close, such as:
• owning a shiny, oversized nine-piece barbecue tool set and having it folded open on the picnic table
• not leaving the barbecue at any point and even holding on to the handle when the lid is down to make sure nobody attempts to flip burgers when you aren’t looking
• wearing a giant apron with your name on it
• asking everybody constant questions at all times such as “Did you say medium or medium-well?” and “You’re toasted, you’re toasted, you’re un-toasted, right?”
Yeah, don’t get me wrong, all those things shout
I’m Serious About This
too. But nothing quite screams it like
really, really selling it to the crowd
. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever hammed it up with any of these classic moves:
I’m Serious About This
too. But nothing quite screams it like
really, really selling it to the crowd
. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever hammed it up with any of these classic moves:
• “Dog up, I gotta dog up, who wants a dog?!”
• “Come on, Andrew, you’re not eating salad, are you? Come on, how many more can I sign you up for? Two at least?”
•
(walking around the deck with raised eyebrows holding a cold cheeseburger on your BBQ flipper and occasionally waggling it in someone’s face)
(walking around the deck with raised eyebrows holding a cold cheeseburger on your BBQ flipper and occasionally waggling it in someone’s face)
• “Okay, I got a slightly burnt one. Who likes them nice and crispy? Nice and crispy one here, everybody. Niiiiiice and crispy.”
Yes, if you’re getting your
barbecue groove
on strong and you’re
rocking the sales pitch
long, then kudos to you. Every deck party needs somebody to tell everybody else to eat more burgers. So today we salute you for embracing the job. You sold it.
We bought it.
And now we’re all feeling stuffed, bloated, and so completely
barbecue groove
on strong and you’re
rocking the sales pitch
long, then kudos to you. Every deck party needs somebody to tell everybody else to eat more burgers. So today we salute you for embracing the job. You sold it.
We bought it.
And now we’re all feeling stuffed, bloated, and so completely
AWESOME!
Locking people out of the car and pretending to drive away
There are so many different levels to this classic gag.
There’s
Version 1.0
, which involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door, and the slow-rolling drive away while the victim knocks on the window and pretends not to care. Yes, victims have to avoid giving drivers the frustrated reactions they’re looking for here. Folks, this is
Locking People Out Of The Car And Pretending To Drive Away Lite
, a tame version of the gag intended to induce a few giggles without any tense moments. Just some G-rated comic relief for the long drive home. Version 1.0 is the most commonly practiced out there and the officially recommended version by
The Book of Awesome.
Version 1.0
, which involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door, and the slow-rolling drive away while the victim knocks on the window and pretends not to care. Yes, victims have to avoid giving drivers the frustrated reactions they’re looking for here. Folks, this is
Locking People Out Of The Car And Pretending To Drive Away Lite
, a tame version of the gag intended to induce a few giggles without any tense moments. Just some G-rated comic relief for the long drive home. Version 1.0 is the most commonly practiced out there and the officially recommended version by
The Book of Awesome.
Next up is something a bit more advanced than Version 1.0 but not quite at the level of Version 2.0. We’ll call it
Version 1.5
, also known as
The Big Tease
. Now, The Big Tease works as long as the victim leaves his car door open. That open door is critical to pull it off. To execute, the driver simply waits until the victim is approaching the car and then drives away slowly with the door hanging wide open like a big tease. This works fine on small or large cars but is especially effective in vans with sliding doors. You’ve got that big van door just sitting there wide open and the victim may figure it’s worth running and jumping for it. There’s really no telling what could happen in this situation. Just remember to be safe out there.
Version 1.5
, also known as
The Big Tease
. Now, The Big Tease works as long as the victim leaves his car door open. That open door is critical to pull it off. To execute, the driver simply waits until the victim is approaching the car and then drives away slowly with the door hanging wide open like a big tease. This works fine on small or large cars but is especially effective in vans with sliding doors. You’ve got that big van door just sitting there wide open and the victim may figure it’s worth running and jumping for it. There’s really no telling what could happen in this situation. Just remember to be safe out there.
Next comes
Version 2.0
, which involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door, then a
complete drive away, lap of the gas station, and return after a minute or two
. Big difference here is that Version 2.0 dials up the fear notch a little, instills a bit of bootshake in our helpless victim. When the car comes back, some name calling goes down, but nothing too serious. Still, this one’s not recommended for children twelve and under. Let’s call it Rated T for Teen.
Version 2.0
, which involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door, then a
complete drive away, lap of the gas station, and return after a minute or two
. Big difference here is that Version 2.0 dials up the fear notch a little, instills a bit of bootshake in our helpless victim. When the car comes back, some name calling goes down, but nothing too serious. Still, this one’s not recommended for children twelve and under. Let’s call it Rated T for Teen.
And then finally there’s the granddaddy of them all, the one and only
Version 3.0
. A real cooker, Version 3.0 involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door,
then a full-out drive away into the sunset without any eventual return
. The victim is left curbside, casually licking an ice cream cone and walking around for a couple minutes, expecting the car to come sweeping around the corner any second now. But no . . . the car never comes back. Unless practiced within walking distance of the victim’s house, Version 3.0 can be devastating. And it’s rarely executed and not recommended for obvious reasons: its potential to destroy relationships . . . to destroy relationships . . . forever.
Version 3.0
. A real cooker, Version 3.0 involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door,
then a full-out drive away into the sunset without any eventual return
. The victim is left curbside, casually licking an ice cream cone and walking around for a couple minutes, expecting the car to come sweeping around the corner any second now. But no . . . the car never comes back. Unless practiced within walking distance of the victim’s house, Version 3.0 can be devastating. And it’s rarely executed and not recommended for obvious reasons: its potential to destroy relationships . . . to destroy relationships . . . forever.
AWESOME!
The sound of rain from inside the tent
Okay, straight up: You know those
big kettle drums
you see in the symphony? The ones being pounded with padded drumsticks by a
bald guy in a tuxedo
? Well, the sound of rain from inside the tent is like living in a kettle drum.
big kettle drums
you see in the symphony? The ones being pounded with padded drumsticks by a
bald guy in a tuxedo
? Well, the sound of rain from inside the tent is like living in a kettle drum.
Now, let’s be honest. The best thing about the sound of rain from inside the tent is that it means
you’re inside the tent
, not outside in a wet T-shirt on your mud-splattered hands and knees, trying to hammer some plastic stakes into the mushy ground. Yes, putting up a tent in the rain is pretty high up there in
The Book of Annoying
, a nonexistent netherlist that also features: Walking into spiderwebs, When you realize you’re out of deodorant as you’re putting it on,
When someone says the punch line to the joke you’re telling
, and Forgetting your umbrella at the restaurant
.
you’re inside the tent
, not outside in a wet T-shirt on your mud-splattered hands and knees, trying to hammer some plastic stakes into the mushy ground. Yes, putting up a tent in the rain is pretty high up there in
The Book of Annoying
, a nonexistent netherlist that also features: Walking into spiderwebs, When you realize you’re out of deodorant as you’re putting it on,
When someone says the punch line to the joke you’re telling
, and Forgetting your umbrella at the restaurant
.
The sound of rain from inside the tent feels safe, secure, and comforting. After all, you’re out in the elements, safe from the elements. You’ll get the
marshmallow roasting sticks
later, you’ll build a fire tomorrow, but for now it’s time to lie on the
bumpy sleeping bag
, put your hands behind your head, and just enjoy the noise.
marshmallow roasting sticks
later, you’ll build a fire tomorrow, but for now it’s time to lie on the
bumpy sleeping bag
, put your hands behind your head, and just enjoy the noise.
AWESOME!
When you arrive at the bus stop just as the bus is coming around the corner
Thin, flimsy plastic sheets propped up on
wobbly rods
shudder in the wind as the
sleet shoots sideways
and you shiver and shake in the dark and lonely bus shelter.
wobbly rods
shudder in the wind as the
sleet shoots sideways
and you shiver and shake in the dark and lonely bus shelter.
Wrapped in thin gloves and a thick, wet scarf, you stand patiently as your
book-filled backpack
silently jabs your spine and strains your shoulders. Fingers freezing, knees shaking, you wince and hug yourself as you keep looking way up the street, wishing, hoping, praying that you’ll please, please see the bus heading right for you.
book-filled backpack
silently jabs your spine and strains your shoulders. Fingers freezing, knees shaking, you wince and hug yourself as you keep looking way up the street, wishing, hoping, praying that you’ll please, please see the bus heading right for you.
We’ve all been there and it’s not a pretty scene.
But hey, that’s what makes it so great when you hit one of those magic moments where you arrive at the bus stop
just as the bus peels out from around the corner
.
just as the bus peels out from around the corner
.
Pupils dilate, eyebrows rise, and a clown-faced smile curls onto your face as you realize you just hit the
Public Transportation Jackpot
.
Public Transportation Jackpot
.
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