The Complete Zagzagel Diaries (5 page)

There. Just last week—did you get that? I could assuage Papa easily enough with the excuse. Besides, it was His fault I’d been called upon to put out one fire after another lately.

“I’m so fucked up.” Nick’s statement caught my attention.

I twisted to face him, and in an instant, he dropped his glazed-over stare to the cup still shaking in his grip. His entire body trembled, and I could fathom only that maybe, with my loss of control, I’d been a bit rough on the kid.

“Look at me, Nick.” I touched his shoulder.

He jerked out of my reach. “No.”

Okay. Maybe I hadn’t been rough enough. I scratched at the incessant itch on my forearm and “counted to ten” as you say, though I was certain I would be counting much higher. On command, Nick poured another capful, still refusing to look at me.

Fine. We could do this the hard way.

“Why won’t you look at me, Nick?” I knew his answer, but his admission was vital to both his and my success. “Answer the question!”

His shivering grew violent. “You’re naked!” His shout tapered off into a cringe.

Of course I was. As always. I chuckled, knowing the coffee must be working. “And?”

“And what?” He twisted away, turning his back to me. “I can’t… I won’t.”

Oh, yes. Whether he liked the idea or not, he would look at me. In a flash, I stood with arms and wings spread before him.

In less time than it took him to gasp, he shaded his view and spun around so fast coffee sloshed a long swath across his T-shirt. “Ow! Fuck!”

I laughed as I circled him, once…twice…. I’d get him to look at me if it took all day, but it wouldn’t. He’d give in. I just needed to grasp the proper phrase to capture his ego. “I have eternity to toy with you or you can comply. Your choice.”

With a movement I could describe only as timid, he unshielded his eyes and watched my final pass. Oh, how you humans thrive on
choices
. I squatted, once more, at his side. “Well?”

He stared at his lap, his mouth moving rapidly as he repeated silent words.

“Say it, Nick.”

He shook his head.

“Say it!”

“Stop…please!” His lips moving faster and faster, he shook his head even harder. “I’m going to hell,” he whispered on a long exhale.

Lord—
and no, I still refused to apologize, as long as I continued to itch from those cursed flowers. “You won’t. Technically, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

His shoulders drooped; his head hung lower. “Yes, I—I’m going to hell; I know I am.”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

Immediately, he met my gaze. “N-no,” he said, but uncertainty reigned in his voice.

“That ‘going to hell’ bit is a wretched rumor forged into the hearts of ignorant men by
a-certain-someone.
”

His gaze searched my face and I was about to write him off when his forehead creased and he asked, “Hitler?”

Oh, fuck.
I shook my head.
Hitler?
If there was ever a human more deceived… “No, not
him.”
I shifted onto one hip and leaned one hand in the sun-warmed grass. This conversation was not headed in the direction I’d hoped to lead it. I was definitely losing my touch.

“Satan!” Recognition flashed suddenly in Nick’s eyes, and I offered what I could only assume was my ‘no shit’ look. I’d be damned if I as much as allowed Lucifer, that double-crossing bastard, an ounce of my breath, energy, thoughts, or otherwise.

I refilled Nick’s cup and he proceeded to drink. I could see the wheels turning in that free-willed brain of his.

After a few minutes, he stared blankly ahead. “I won’t go to hell?”

“You aren’t going to hell. No.”

For the first time in a long time, Nick smiled.

Now here before me sat someone I could work with, and if I didn’t have this wicked rash, I’d have ignored Papa’s don’t touch rule, scooped the man into my arms, and embraced him. Despite my pain, I smiled in return as he released his desperation, his unjustified doubts…but his smile faded as quickly as it had appeared.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“I’m so confused.”

Leave it to one of my charges to make the understatement of the year. Papa wouldn’t let me live this one down. I took in the look on Nick’s pitiful face. He was stupid, yes; but a bad kid? No. “Listen. How about I let you in on a little secret?”

Slowly, he turned his dazed stare to me.

“Your brother’s not going to tell your father a damned thing.”

“How? You know what happened?”

I twisted my neck to one side then the other, releasing the tension, unsure how much more of his ignorance I could take. “I already told you; I know everything about you.”

“E-everything?”

I nodded, and immediately he brought his knees up and rested his forehead on them, hiding his face. “Oh, God.”

“It’s okay, Nick.”

“It’s not okay. I’m not gay.”

“No. That’s not quite true now, is it?”

He shot up, inadvertently smacking me with his arm. “How many times do I have to tell you? I’m not gay!”

I squelched back the anger that threatened to rekindle. Why did Papa have to make these creatures’ meager existence so confusing?
Damn Him.
I called Big Papa out, but I no longer cared. His rules were unfair, and He wouldn’t convince me otherwise. I would tell the kid the truth and deal with Papa’s wrath later.

“Your brother’s gay, Nick, and he wasn’t laughing
at
you.”

For a long minute, his mouth hung open and he stared. “Nuh uh. No way. I don’t believe you.”

“Oh, yes. Like you, he chooses to be discreet.”

Within seconds, the guilt of what he’d almost done consumed him. His head hung lower, and I could see him sinking into himself. “You’re wrong. It’s all Cody’s fault—traipsing around our room half-naked, always teasing, flirting, acting like a—he’s the one who dared me to… I don’t want to be like him.”

Denial and self-pity, what a combination. I inhaled deeply, my patience on its last thread. Of course, I’d always been a ‘take the bull by the horns’ type, myself.
Damn it!
Now, my other arm itched like fire. I tossed a concealed, “We
will
have words,” skyward. Humans were not like me—I knew that. I didn’t need Big Papa’s reminding or
His
help. My best course of action to avoid further interference was to change the subject.

“What’s your friend like?” I asked and noticed the twitch of recognition in Nick’s eyebrow, though his gaze remained in his lap.

He twirled the half-full cup between his hands. “Cody? H-he’s…um…just m-my roommate.”

Of course, he was, but sooner or later—hopefully, sooner—Nick would speak the words he needed to hear himself say. “So, it’s your roommate’s fault you lust after him?”

His head shook ever so slowly. This time, his voice was barely audible. “It’s not like that. He’s a cool guy and…he’s really funny.”

“So, you do
like
him, then?” My own words sounded wrong, even to me, considering Nick had just thought about offing the guy.

“You don’t understand.”

Try me, kid. You’d be surprised. I wanted to say more but held my tongue.

“It’s way beyond—” He looked behind him, then over my shoulder as if ensuring himself we were alone. “You don’t understand how hard it is….” He began again, fiddling with his cup before leaning my way. “I’m not gay, but every time I look at him, all I can think about is getting him up against the nearest wall and—God. I’m so fucked up…” He met my gaze. “I’m busted, right?”

I closed my eyes, exhaled slowly. The kid couldn’t keep a straight train of thought if he tried. “For what?” I asked, looking over at the bushes where we’d scuffled then back to Nick.

“I almost—”

“I don’t have a clue what you’re rambling on about.”

He staggered to a stand, almost toppled over as he searched the bushes, and I was on my feet in time to catch him as he stumbled.

“Where is my dad’s—?”

I swear to all that is Holy, he had the memory of a chicken. This could work in my favor, though. The resiliency of human youth was a remarkable thing, even to me. I pushed Nick to his feet. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

He stared, his alcohol-buzzed mind numbed further by my revelations. With a wave of my arm, the thermos and cup disappeared. His eyes widened as I waved my other arm and instantly, he sported fresh jeans and a clean shirt from his closet. “How’d you—?”

“Time to face reality.” I shoved him through the row of bushes and onto the field before vanishing from sight.

I watched him pick himself up, brush the grass from the knees of his jeans, and then stand there staring toward the far end of the field. Took him a few minutes to find his bearings, but finally, he traipsed off, toward his roommate.

Papa could unleash every vile curse available on the vegetation in this wretched place and he wouldn’t budge my position. This kid was not a lost cause. Desperate? Maybe; but even the most well intentioned many times do desperate things. Or maybe, Papa had forgotten about His “great flood” fiasco. Waiting for Nick to wander to the other end of the field, I added the incident—Papa’s worst lack of judgment, in my opinion—to my notes. I had faith in my work and in my charges; they always pulled through, in the end.

As I looked on, Cody stood from retrieving his ball and looked surprised to see Nick stumbling toward him. “Hey, Nick!”

Nick staggered as he slowed to a stop a couple strides yet to go. For a second, Cody stared with a tilt to his head, but then took the remaining steps and immediately braced Nick with a helpful arm. “You came out to watch me practice?”

At first, Nick jerked away from the hand on his back, offering nothing in reply but a slight nod, but when Cody smiled and embraced Nick, I couldn’t have stopped the
told-you-so
smirk that crept onto my face if I’d tried. Face buried in the man’s shoulder, Nick bawled like a child, his cries echoing across the empty field.

Cody looked taken aback for a moment, but held Nick even tighter. “It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to really show up.”

Nick shook his downturned head across Cody’s shoulder. “It’s not that…it’s not… Oh God….” Between his wailing and his snot-filled blubbering, his confession became incoherent to anyone’s ears but mine. His heart finally burden-free, he turned his face to Cody’s neck.

Cody appeared frozen—his eyes widening before clenching shut. He let out a half-stifled moan. “Nick. Dude!” He released his friend and put an arm’s distance between them, but Cody’s grin was apparent.

Tears streamed down Nick’s face as both men’s hesitant gazes met. Nick looked away first, offering his roommate a small shrug. “I want you again so fucking bad…I can’t stand it.” His words were soft yet more than I needed to hear. Might take some time for him to grow into his own skin, but he’d come around.

I laughed, spying Cody’s dry swallow. Stalling for composure, the young man scratched at the back of his head, but I could hear his thoughts…
about fucking time.
“You’re drunk, man.”

“I am. Don’t think I’d be here if I wasn’t,” Nick told him.

Cody eyed Nick for a long minute. “Hey. Why don’t we grab a cup of coffee?”

Nick almost lost his balance as he snapped upright, waving his hands in front of him. “Oh, hell no! No more coffee!”

Eyebrows raised, Cody chuckled at what must have sounded like a strange reason to get so excited. “Well then, how about a cheeseburger?”

Not gay—my ass.
Mission accomplished, I took my leave, scratching at the welts that had now spread across my stomach and chest as I ascended the Heavens. Big Papa had better be prepared, because I was in no mood for games.

Lost

I dodged left, dematerialized, and reappeared only after the smoke had cleared. “Hear me out. That’s all I’m ask—”

“Silence!” The Heavens rumbled from the force of Big Papa’s shout.

One finger in my right ear, I tried massaging away the pain. Why I ever bothered to voice my side, I didn’t know. It got me nowhere and nothing but trouble.

Dodging to my right, I avoided another lightning bolt by a hair’s breadth. “Sir. Yes, sir. I’m listening.”
For Christ’s sake.
“I won’t question your authority again,” I lied and knew I lied…and I was certain Papa knew my vice also, but I didn’t care. Papa made unreasonable demands. If I struggled to adhere to them, how could He expect my charges to walk such a narrow line?

“This one will pose a problem for you, Zagzagel.”

Papa wasn’t letting me in on any secret when He reminded me Charley was special. I kept my thoughts to myself, though; my attitude had landed me in the hot seat too often as it was. My decision to play it safe was two-fold. Despite my complaining, I longed for Papa’s approval—always had if you wanted the truth. My second reason conflicted in a sense. I was fiercely independent, abhorring interference as I performed my duties.

“One more false move, Zag, and I’ll….”