The Confession (26 page)

“While I was in the
emergency room, an elderly man was in the bed next to me. He had a
heart attack at work, and his wife sat next to him, giving him
comforting words, and
repeatedly saying
that she loved him. It
had me thinking, what would have happened if the bullet seriously
injured me?”

“All of the events that have happened
these past few months flooded my mind. I want a wife and children.
I want to feel my wife lying next to me at night. I love her Adam,
and she loves me.”

“I know our relationship
has
been
complicated
, and I am hopeful that we can
form a new bond. I sense that Lydia is finally relaxing when she is
near me, and that makes me happy. I will not lie to
you,
Adam. I want to be near Gail for no other reason than to watch
her blossom into a young woman. The feelings that I have when I
look at her make me long for something I never thought was
possible. I want to hear the laughter of children at the end of the
day. God help
me,
I want that in my life.”

“Technically, I am still a priest. I
have requested Laicization. Father Mallard is refusing to grant my
request. He is under the impression I will regain my sanity and
return to my life of service. That will not happen. I want to share
my life with Jennifer and the children. I must find a way to end
this limbo that has become my life.”

Adam sat quietly for
several minutes while he gathered his thoughts. John also remained
quiet while he sifted
the sand through
is fingers. Several
times, they looked at each other, not knowing what to say.
Finally,
Adam spoke. “I have to admit I never thought I would hear
those words from you. I am happy you have found someone to love. Do
you need help financially? Do you
require assistance in find
a
job? I can make a few calls for you.”

“No. T
hank
you,
Adam. I do not need help.
I suppose it is ok to discuss this now. I wanted to keep this to
myself until it became official. You are looking at the new Pastor
of The Faith Baptist Church.
My new position with the church
is the
reason
I need to complete the
Laicization process. I may need a lawyer.”

“I can help you if
you
need
legal representation. John, I know what happened
to you is a traumatic experience.
We are still working through many issues, and I can no
longer say I despise you. I would never want to see you hurt or
injured, and I know my family feels the same.
Gail is still struggling with the truth, and you must respect
her decision. Lydia is slowly letting go of the nightmares. She has
not had one in a few weeks. It will take time, but I know at some
point in the future,
she
will be ok. Once Gail sees that her
mother is no longer upset, she may make an effort to know you.
Bobby, well, that boy is a mystery. He runs hot and cold, and
currently, he
no longer
has
the urge to beat the crap out of
you.”

John laughed as he held the side of his
face. “If he has a punch as strong as his father’s, I am in deep
trouble. All joking aside Adam, I have to make a decision about my
life. I think I need to talk to Dad.”

“How are the two of you getting along
these days?”

“Much better, and I am
grateful that we have a second
chance
to have a father-son
relationship. I have learned that I cannot change the world. I can
only make my small piece of it as happy as I can.” John retrieved
his phone and called Colin. “Dad, Adam, and I are on the beach, not
far from his house by the
dune
with the fence. Could you join us?
I need to speak to you.”

“Is everything ok John? You sound
funny.”

“I am troubled, and I need my
father.”

Colin felt the tears well in his eyes.
John needed him, and he was grateful for this second chance. “I’ll
be there in a few minutes.”

When Colin arrived, he sat between his
two sons. John spoke from the heart and told him everything. Colin
did not hesitate with his advice. “They are keeping you in limbo to
prove a point. I dislike this whole business of secrecy. Hire a
lawyer and fight for your right to choose how you live your
life.”

“I am happy that you have
found
love,
John. Jennifer Harrison is a lovely young woman,
and it is obvious she loves you. Jennifer has struggled since
Craig’s death, and the children are not old enough to understand
war. They only know Daddy is not coming home, and they are
confused.”

“She told me they made the
decision not to have children because of his military career, and
at thirty-three, she became pregnant with twins. Craig rarely had
time with his children, and they only know him through pictures and
Skype. They cling to
me,
Dad. When I visit them, the run to
me and hold on tight. I cannot describe the feelings I have when I
hold them. I feel fiercely protective, and I feel love. I love
Jennifer the way a man loves a woman, and she loves me.”

“Over the past few months,
we have grown close. We talk about the things we want in life. When
she touches me, I want to cry with joy. I feel like a man for the
first time in my adult life. I feel the arousal and needs of
a man
,
and I do not hide that from her. She supports my decision to
resign. She tells me that life is too short to deny what the heart
wants, and her heart wants me. She wants me Dad, and that makes me
feel incredibly happy, because I also want her, and the
children.”

“I only want you to be happy. Whatever
decision you make, Maggie, and I will support you. When was the
last time you spoke to Father Mallard?”

“It was a few days before
the shooting. I asked him why my application
was
still on his
desk. He told me that he
continues
to pray for me in the hopes I
will regain my sanity, and resume my place
in
the
church.”

“If this is what you
really
want, you need to resolve this as quickly as
possible.”

John nodded his agreement. “If you
wouldn’t mind, I’d like a few minutes alone to reflect and pray.”
Adam and Colon walked back to the beach house in
silence.

Lydia watched them approach
and wondered why they looked troubled. “What’s wrong? The two of
you
looked
like you’ve lost your best friend.”

Adam said. “Take a walk with me and I
will tell you. Dad, I think you need to speak to Mom.”

Concerned, Lydia followed
her husband to a quiet spot on the beach. Adam sat next to her and
several minutes later she looked at him with shock on her face.
“Wow, are you sure this is what he wants and not a
knee-jerk
reaction to the shooting?”

“He loves
them,
Lydia. I can hear it in his voice. This may be the start of an
entirely new life for him, a life that he could have had before
becoming a priest. We need to support his decision. I was surprised
that Dad supports his decision. I am happy they have resolved their
differences. Dad is a different man now that everything is out in
the open. He is
happier
and relaxed, and well, not a
bear.”

“Yes, it is amazing how the truth frees
the soul.”

“Yes, it is, as evidenced by your lack
of nightmares. How do you feel honey? Are you coming to terms with
everything? Has Gail spoken to you lately? I try not to be a pain
in the ass by hovering. I know that gets on her nerves.”

“Surprisingly, I
feel
good
. It is a relief to sleep through
the night without waking up in a cold sweat. I think it also helps
that John no longer frightens me. Slowly, we are renewing our
friendship. It will take time, but I feel optimistic about the
future. I also think Gail is on the verge of accepting the new
dynamics in our family.”

“We have to help our son,” Margaret
cried. “Where is he?”

“He’s over by the sand dune. He wants
time to reflect and pray.”

Margaret wasted no time
running to her son. John sat with his head resting on his knees,
and his arm tucked protectively against the side of his body. He
looked
dejected as if
the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
Margaret fought the urge to cry.

She bent down and ran her
hand along the top of his head. John sighed inwardly at the
tender
gesture. He has waited his entire life to feel the
loving
touch
of his mother. “I just spoke to your father.
Whatever you need, whenever you need it, we will help you. Come
back to the house. You are starting to burn.”

Upon standing, Margaret
wrapped her arms around John and
held
him tightly. John shook
with emotions so fierce, it brought tears to his eyes. Hand in
hand, they walked back to the house. The remainder of the week
passed in relative peace. By the end of the week, John’s decision
to resign was firm in his mind. Colin gave him enough money to buy
new clothing, and he asked Bobby to come with him. They drove to
the outlet stores in Atlantic City. Adam joined them and it was a
relaxing day.

As they walked the
boardwalk, Bobby asked, “Uncle John, do you feel weird buying all
of these clothes? I mean, you have been wearing black for twenty
years. I have to say you rock in cargo shorts and a muscle shirt.
Who knew you were so buff? Do priests
actually
work out in the
gym?”

Ok, everyone stopped
walking and stared dumbly and Bobby. The smile that crossed John’s
face was infectious. He laughed so hard he had to sit down on the
nearest bench. “Where do you get these questions, Bobby? If you
must know, yes, I do work
out
and thank you for the
compliment.”

“When are you leaving? Can you stay
until we leave on Monday?”

“Well, I was going to ride back with
Mom and Dad, but I would like to have a few more days. I have been
struggling with my resignation letter.”

“Dad and I can help you compose
it.”

“Thank
you,
Bobby, but I
feel I must do this alone. Adam, I would like for you to read it
once I’ve finished.”

“Sure, I can do that,” Adam said. “As
long as you are comfortable sharing it with me.”

“Um guys,” Bobby said, “I’m like
starving. Can we get something to eat before I pass
out?”

“I think
that
's an excellent
idea
son, and lunch is on me.”

“Great, now I can eat like a
pig!”

John said goodbye to his
parents the following day, and the house was quiet. Gail retreated
to the solitude of her bedroom, preferring to avoid everyone. Her
leg
always
ached,
and she was not good company.
To
break the ice, John brought her a big cup of water ice. He
knocked gently on the bedroom door.