The Confession (27 page)

“Gail, I have water ice. Would you like
some?”

“What flavor do you have?” she yelled
through the door.

“I have mango. I’ve been
told it’s your favorite
flavor
.”

“Ok, you can come in.”

Gail stared at John as he
entered her room. He kept the door open, which
eased
the
discomfort she felt being near him. He handed the cup to
her
and turned to leave the room. “Why are you leaving the
church?”

Surprised by her question,
John turned and approached her bed. “It’s complicated Gail, but I
will try to explain it to you. First, let me say that it is not my
wish to make you uncomfortable. I want to answer your question
honestly. The main reason I am leaving the church is that I no
longer feel happy with my life. I made the decision to become a
priest for the wrong reasons. We all know what drove me from home.
I struggled for many years in an attempt to find my place in this
world. Whether it was right or wrong, my life became for lack of a
better word, complacent. I lived a certain way, took no risks, and
lived a solitary life. It suited me at the
time
and became a way
of life that felt comfortable.”

“When I returned to
Philadelphia
, my life changed
dramatically. I wanted to run back to my life of solitary
confinement.
I found it
difficult dealing with the turmoil, and when Adam told me that you
were my daughter, I wanted to scream why? I knew this would upset
everyone’s life, and I was once again the cause.
There are also internal conflicts between Father
Mallard and myself. As you know, I requested a sabbatical to
resolve a few internal conflicts, and my approval was contingent
upon conditions that I could not live with.”

“The shooting changed
everything for
me
and made me realize that my life, up
to this point in time felt empty. I was hiding behind church doors,
and for the first time, I felt like I was hiding. My faith was
tested and I failed miserably. I also realized that I wanted
more
of
life. I
have
to be honest when I say I am proud
that you are a part of me. I know this makes you uncomfortable, and
I am sorry that you are upset. It changed me knowing I fathered a
child. It also made me want a family. I want a wife and
children
. I want a family that I can love, and who will love me. It’s
not too late for me, and this the reason why I am
resigning.”

“Gail, I will always be
Uncle John to you, and I am happy in that role. Adam is a wonderful
man and father, and I am proud that he is also my brother. We have
lost so much time over the years, and I want us to be close. I want
your mother to look at me without fear in her eyes. I want you
to
see
me without anger in your eyes. I want all of us to
live in peace and be happy. I
want to
be happy, and the only
way to do that is to live my life.”

“Is it difficult leaving the
priesthood?” Gail asked.

“No, it’s not difficult, but it is a
long process called Laicization. The church takes away my use of
powers, rights, and authority. I cannot wear clerical dress, and I
cannot perform ceremonies or administer the sacraments. I must
petition the Archbishop, and ultimately The Vatican, to release me
from my vows.”

“Are you sad you’re no longer a priest,
Uncle John?”

John smiled. “No, I am not
sad, just disappointed by the lack of faith Father Mallard has
shown me. I would never put you in the spotlight. I would never let
anyone harm you. My back was against the wall, and I made the only
decision I could at the time. On the up side, I found Jennifer,
Olivia, and Jason. They are my
life,
Gail. I love all of them.
They make me happy, and I want to live the remainder of my life
with them. Someday, Jennifer and I will be married. I anxiously
await that day.”

“Gail, if I ask you a question, will
you answer me honestly?”

“Yes, Uncle John. I’ll tell you the
truth.”

“Do I make you nervous being this close
to you?”

Gail had
thought
about it for a minute before she answered his question. “No,
you don’t
make
me feel nervous. I just feel weird because no
matter how I try to ignore it, I know you’re my biological father.
I can call you Uncle, or whatever, but I can’t forget that you’re
technically my
dad
. I don’t want to say this in front
of Dad because it will hurt him. He’s tried so hard to make me feel
safe and protected. I love him, and I don’t know how to act when
I’m near you.”

“Gail, I think
for
us
to get past this, we need to be open and honest about our feelings.
I am your Uncle, nothing more. Adam is your father because he has
loved you since the day you were born. He is the only father you
will ever know. What happened so long ago needs to stay in the
past. None of us will have peace until we bury the ghosts of the
past. Think about this Gail. You have a bright future ahead of you.
Live your life, be happy, and know that your Uncle John loves you.
I will always love you. Life is too short to relive past
mistakes.
Believe
me; I have relived them for many
years, and what I want more than anything is to move forward with
my life. My life as a priest will end soon, and I look forward to
the next chapter in my life.”

“I’ll try Uncle John. I
don’t want to feel hatred when I
see
you. I know my mom is
feeling better because she’s not nervous around you.”

“Thank
you,
Gail. You are
a remarkable young woman. How’s the leg feeling today?”

“It doesn’t hurt too much. I took off
the boot this morning and mom helped me take a shower. I had to sit
on one of those old people’s shower chair. I can’t move my ankle. I
know therapy is going to hurt.”

John laughed. “Tell me about it. I will
need therapy for my shoulder once the wound heals. Why are you
hiding in the house? Shouldn’t you be outside enjoying the
sun?”

“I can’t walk with crutches on the
sand. I don’t want to fall and break the other leg.”

“At
least,
you can sit on the front porch. If
you go outside for a little while, I’ll get you another water
ice.”

“That sounds good. Will you sit with
me, Uncle John?”

“I’d love to sit with you.”

John helped her to stand and walked
behind her as she left the house. When Adam heard the screen door
open, he looked up and was surprised to see Gail. John followed her
and helped her to sit. He propped up her leg on the
ottoman.

Adam looked at John. “How did you get
her out of the house? I have been trying since we got here. She
wouldn’t leave her room.”

John laughed. “I bribed her with water
ice.”

Everyone laughed. The tension is slowly
leaving everyone. John was optimistic about the future.

John struggled for the
remainder of the
week
and felt he finally had something
that
directly and
succinctly
conveyed his desire to start a
new
life
while still holding on to the doctrines of his
faith.
He
asked Adam and Lydia to read the letter.
He
felt guilty bypassing Father Mallard. He respected the priest;
however, he could no longer live his life in limbo.

To: Archbishop Christopher
Davidson

CC: Father William Mallard

From: Father John Patrick
Brady

Subject: Laicization and release of
vows

Archbishop Davidson,

It is with a heavy heart
that I request Laicization and the release of my priestly vows.
This decision does not come easy for me. My internal conflict with
Father Mallard is also a factor in this decision. In my heart,
signing a confidentiality agreement as a condition for sabbatical
felt wrong to me. By now, you are aware of the reason for my
refusal. I would never intentionally hurt
Gail
or my family. What
transpired in my past is a family matter, and I intended to keep it
that way. I felt like I was being blackmailed, and it troubled me
deeply. What saddens me is the lack of trust Father Mallard placed
in me.

The past few months have awakened needs
in my heart that I cannot ignore. I have found love, Archbishop
Davidson, and I cannot separate my love for a woman and her
children, with my love for the church. The woman who has touched me
so deeply has two small children who need love and nurturing. It is
my desire to love and protect them all the days of my
life.

Please accept this letter
as my official resignation. I have petitioned Father Mallard on two
separate occasions. He has refused to process my request, and as a
result, I felt it was necessary to contact you directly. My life as
a priest has been rewarding, but I feel the time has come
to listen to
my heart. I have found a way to serve
God
while having the family I so desperately want and need. My
life is blessed, and my family has taken the first steps to
healing
old wounds. My life is full, and as I move forward, my love
for God will always be a part of my existence.

With respect and gratitude

John Patrick Brady

Lydia wiped her eyes and
she handed the letter to John. Adam
only
nodded his approval. What
they both felt for John was a far departure from the anger they
felt
for him
previously
. His honest and touching
emotions
have melted whatever residual anger they felt for
him.

Lydia spoke first. “Your
letter was
sincere
and
heartfelt
and conveys
your desire to start a new life. Jennifer and her children are
lucky to have you in their lives.”

Adam agreed. “We are
also
fortunate
that you have returned to the family John. As I
have said before, you are a changed man, and all that we want is
for you to have a happy life.”

“Thank you for your
honesty. I spoke to Jennifer earlier
today,
and she is excited
that this is finally happening, that we
can
begin our new life.
I want that more than I can convey with words.”

Chapter 19

The following Monday, John
prepared for his meeting and admitted to Jennifer that he was
nervous. “My life has changed so much these past few months. I
never imagined I would feel so happy. I love you Jennifer, but
until I am no longer a priest, we cannot have an intimate
relationship. I hope you understand and have the patience to wait
until I am free from my vows.
I am
embarrassed to say
this
but feel like a virgin. I am treading in unfamiliar water, and
I feel a little uncomfortable talking about this.”

She laughed. “I know how
you feel sweetheart. After Craig had
died
, I thought my heart
would shrivel up and die. I swore I would never love another man,
and resolved myself to living the remainder of my life alone. I had
two small babies that needed their mother, and for the past four
years, my focus has been on their wellbeing. You snuck up on
my
blind side
John, and I never saw it coming.”

“I knew you were a special
man when you bonded with Olivia and Jason. They adore you, and they
are happy and thriving. It’
s hard explaining
to them what
happened to their father. Craig never wanted children because he
knew the risks involved with military life. He made me promise to
take care of them should something happen to him. I have tried so
hard for the past five years to be a good mother to my babies. I
work hard and provide a good home for them, but they lack the bond
that only a father can provide.”