The Consequences of Forever (1) (15 page)

             
“And you’ve been taking them regularly?” Julia asked.

             
I nodded. “Yes, and he told me I’m about ten weeks along.” I glanced over at Adam, who looked like he was holding back a smile, probably trying to remember whatever he could about the night of his birthday. I wondered if he’d remember that he actually locked me in his car and feel bad about it.

             
Julia looked concerned. “That’s a bit far to have not seen a doctor yet. Do you want to go through these papers now so I can make an appointment soon? If you go to one and feel uncomfortable, we can always switch later.”

             
“Okay,” I picked up a packet of papers labeled “Midwives and Natural Birth” and skimmed through it. “I don’t want a home birth,” I said immediately, looking up at Julia with a panicked look.

             
“Oh, God,” Adam groaned. “Could you imagine Nora’s face if you decided to give birth at Bella Vista?”

             
I clapped a hand over my mouth, trying not to laugh. “Right in front of all the guests?”

             
Julia shook her head, but she looked amused. “This isn’t funny, kids,” she warned. “Time to be serious.”              

             
Adam smiled at me, but his eyes looked solemn, and a little worried. Julia was right.  Now that some of the worst was over, it was time to get serious.

Chapter Twelve

              The rest of the week went by slowly. Naturally, the school reported my cutting classes to Nora, which resulted in another screaming match, which eventually led to awkward silences whenever we were in the same room together. By the time Friday arrived, I was exhausted, mentally and physically.

             
Adam was visiting family that lived a few hours away that night, and although I was invited, I declined because I didn’t want to risk another argument with Nora. Hannah had plans to hang out with Nolan, surprisingly enough, so I was on my own for the night. I didn’t mind it all that much.

             
I ate dinner alone and in my bedroom, something that was usually not allowed but another thing Nora tended to ignore now that we weren’t on speaking terms. It was probably better than having to see me. She finally seemed to be coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to get an abortion, and had started sliding pamphlets about adoption under my door. I just slid them back, leaving them in the hallway, and then they’d reappear somewhere else. With Thanksgiving approaching, we were slowly getting more guests, so I had faith the pamphlets would disappear completely soon enough.             

             
After I ate I did my own dishes and put them away, then headed back to my bedroom for a shower. I made it a long one, letting the steam build up in the bathroom until I could barely see through it, then wrapped myself in a towel and let my body mostly air dry, skimming through a book Ms. Freeman had recommended for me earlier in the week.             

             
Things at school had managed to stay pretty quiet, surprisingly enough. Nolan hadn’t told anyone, probably because he didn’t feel it was newsworthy enough to tell, and Hannah was too caught up on the fact that Nolan was finally paying attention to her to be bothered with spreading the news. Scott had gone from glaring at me occasionally to not looking at me at all, so I could only assume my secret would remain safe with him.

             
After I had dried off the best I would, I dressed into a pair of sweatpants and a lose t-shirt, combed through my hair once, grabbed the book and headed out the deck. Bella Vista didn’t have a pool, but we did have a decent view of the ocean, and the deck was one thing my dad had hired a construction crew to add on after we bought the property. We had an assortment of different lounge chairs out there, as well as a pretty substantial sized grill that Nora used a lot in the summer. With our closest neighbors being all rental properties, it tended to be really quiet and peaceful out there during this time of the year. The perfect place to read.

             
I turned the outside lights on, then got comfortable on one of the couch chairs, and opened the book. I had only gotten a few pages in when I heard the sound of the door opening behind me and someone stepping out. I closed my eyes and counted to three, wishing Nora would just leave me alone. When I opened them, I nearly fell off my chair.

             
“Dad?” I asked, as though speaking to a ghost. It was literally the first time I’d seen him since the disaster of a birthday dinner the week before. The only way I’d known he was still around was because the bananas were still the first fruit to disappear from the fruit bowl, and there was always a current newspaper lying around.

             
“Hi, sweetheart,” he said, sitting down next to me as if his sudden reappearance was nothing but normal.

             
“Where have you been?” I asked.

             
He looked at me, surprised. “What do you mean? I haven’t gone anywhere.”

             
“I haven’t seen you in a week,” I pointed out.

             
He nodded slowly. “Yes, well, you know how I am, sweetheart. I like to steer clear of conflict.”

If I wasn’t already used to him and the way he handled things, I might have been angry about that last part. Deep down I knew he should have put aside his dislike for conflict and stuck around to defend me, but I knew that wouldn’t happen, and there was no point in getting angry with him over it. As far as blood went, he, this baby, and an older brother I barely knew were all I had, and I felt an intense desire to hold onto that, no matter what.

              I wanted to ask where exactly he’d been hiding this entire time, but decided against it. It didn’t matter. He was here now. Maybe that should count for something.

             
“What are you reading?” He asked, reaching for my book. I handed it over to him and watched as a smile spread slowly over his face.

             
“
This Side of Paradise
by none other than F. Scott Fitzgerald. Is this your first time?”

             
I nodded. “Ms. Freeman lent me a copy. She wanted to teach it to the class, but apparently the school board wouldn’t let her, for whatever reason.” I suspected Ms. Freeman had been something of an activist back in her day, though she never revealed much about her personal life, other than being unmarried with no kids. She’d been enraged when the school board passed on her suggestion to change the reading material this year, and offered the books to anyone that was interested. Unfortunately, I was fairly certain I was the only one who came forward.

             
“It’s one of my favorites,” my dad declared. “You’re named after one of the characters, you know that?”

             
I was surprised. “I am?”

             
“Yep. Your middle name, anyway. Rosalind Connage. Have you gotten to her part yet?”

             
The name didn’t sound familiar, other than Rosalind being my middle name; one I’d always thought strange compared to Lee like Nora, and Grace like Hannah. I shook my head. “No, I’m only a few pages in.”

             
“Well, you’ll get there soon enough. There’s no real reason you were named for her, it was just the only name your mother would agree to. I really wanted to give you a literary name, something with substance, but she was dead-set on naming you after your grandmother. Not that she really did that right, considering you’re Alaina and your grandmother is Elaine, but I stopped questioning her after about the twentieth argument we had about it.”

             
I glanced out at the ocean, completely dark now and endless. I hated when he casually mentioned my mother, like it was no big deal. I’d prefer her not being mentioned at all.

             
“I’m Lainey,” I told him, as if that somehow altered my identity. I hated that my mother had chosen my name, and I hated that she’d name me after a woman I had no memories of at all. I didn’t feel like an Alaina. I’d been called Lainey for all long as I could remember, and at least that was somewhat away from the name she’d given me.

             
“You would have been Scout, if I had my way,” my dad chuckled.

             
I look at him, somewhat amused. “Scout?” I repeated. “As in
To Kill a Mockingbird
?”

             
He nodded. “That’s the one.”

             
“Wow.” Suddenly Alaina didn’t sound so bad, reason behind it or not.

             
He grinned. “Yeah, I tend to be a little exuberant when it comes to names. Probably why I haven’t been allowed to name anyone yet.”

             
“Yet?” I smiled slightly.

             
“Well, I’m here if you need any help,” he offered. I didn’t think I would, especially if Scout would be a possible suggestion, but it was nice to know he cared enough to offer.

             
“You’re not joining the Give Lainey’s Baby Away to the Closest Bystander campaign?”

             
He let out a deep breath and glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “I love Nora, Lainey. She’s arguably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, to either of us. But every day that I wake up here at Bella Vista, and think of how it all came together, is a day I regret not giving you the chance to get to know your grandfather. I don’t want to make the same mistake by not getting to know my own grandson or granddaughter.”

             
All I knew about my grandfather was that I’d met him a few times when I was really little, too little to remember. He’d come out and visit us while we lived in Oregon, before his health got too bad. I don’t know why we never went to Delaware to visit him, but for whatever reason, we didn’t, and when he died, my dad was devastated.

             
Jackson Winslow left almost everything he owned to my father, his only child, and a small amount of money for Mason. While he didn’t leave anything for me, exactly, he made it clear in his will that my dad was to use the money to provide a more stable life for me. He was always concerned about that, apparently, that I wouldn’t have the stability I would need, with no mother and my father as my only parent. I’ve always suspected that maybe my grandfather might have expressed these wishes during his lifetime, which could have been why he wasn’t an active part of my life. My dad might be easygoing, but he did have a tendency to be easily offended on certain subjects.

             
We’d flown out to Delaware for his funeral and the reading of the will, and once my dad had obtained the money and put the house up for sale, we moved to Raleigh. There was no rhyme or reason to it, we just moved there, and a month later he found Nora. They married within three months, and found Bella Vista soon after.

             
My dad never mentioned wanting to own a bed and breakfast, but we’d stayed in a few during our time in Oregon so it wasn’t like he didn’t have experience with them. Bella Vista had been damaged in a hurricane the summer before, and the owners were elderly and didn’t have the time and patience to fix it for reopening. My dad had bought it for an amazingly low price, and put the rest of his inheritance into fixing it up.

             
It was supposed to be our family home, as well as a business. Bella Vista was supposed to represent the beginning of the rest of our lives. I wondered if my dad had given up on that dream yet.

             
“I wish I would have known him better,” I admitted, and he smiled slightly.

             
“He was a good man. He would have been proud of you.” That was good to hear, even if it maybe didn’t mean much.

             
We sat in silence for a little bit, the way we used to. My dad and I always had that ability, to sit comfortably with each other without feeling the need to speak. I didn’t realize how much I had missed it.

             
After a while he cleared his throat, breaking the silence. “I’m proud of you too, Lainey. You do know that, don’t you?”

             
I felt my eyes fill with tears, but I quickly blinked them back. “I guess so.”

             
“I’m not disappointed in you or anything, if you were worried about that. If anything, I feel guilty.”

             
“Guilty?”

             
“Yeah.” He sighed and tilted his head back, looking up at the sky. It was midnight blue by now, and sprinkled with white stars. “I could have been a better father. I feel like maybe if I had been, none of this would have happened.”

             
“It has nothing to do with you, Dad.” I reassured him, even though maybe it would make sense to blame him, at least partially. But it wouldn’t be fair.

             
“I don’t know about that, sweetheart. This past week I’ve been thinking about it, mulling it over in my mind, and I feel like I haven’t been there for you enough. You went ten years without a mom in sight, and I feel like that’s partially my fault, too. You should have had your mom around.”

             
“She left you,” I reminded him softly. We never talked about this. When my dad talked about my mom, it was like how he’d spoken of her earlier in the conversation. Like she wasn’t gone. Like she wasn’t supposed to be the subject we never brought up.

             
“Maybe I could have prevented that,” he continued. “When you were born, Lainey, I promised myself and your mom that I was going to be the best father I could possibly be. I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes I’d made with Mason a second time around.”

             
“You didn’t,” I reassured him. “You’ve always been around.”

             
“Maybe, but at the cost of your mother not being here.”

             
“That was her choice, Dad. Not yours.”

             
“Maybe.” Silence fell over us again, this time uncomfortable. I tried to picture my mother, but I couldn’t. It had been too long, and I’d gotten rid of all her pictures when we moved here, deciding I had Nora now, and didn’t need memories of a woman that didn’t love me. I couldn’t even remember the sound of her voice.

             
Again, the same fear resurfaced. Was I going to follow in the footsteps of my parents? My dad was only twenty when Mason was born, and my mom was the same age when I was born. Both left after a few years, after realizing they weren’t cut out to be parents. I would be four years younger than both of them when this baby was born. Did that mean it would only take me less time to come to the same conclusion?