The Consequences of Forever (1) (38 page)

Chapter Forty-Three

              I knew Lila was leaving, but that didn’t stop me from feeling the shock of her absence.

             
The next few weeks crawled by, with every day becoming a day to get through, to move forward. I felt sadder than I had in my entire life, but I didn’t know how to show it correctly, or if I even should. Julia tried to reach out to me, but I felt myself withdrawing from her, reluctant to accept the love I had once allowed her to give me.

             
Adam seemed to understand, even though I knew there was no possible way he actually could. Hannah seemed surprised she was gone, but didn’t ask questions. I felt more distant from her than I ever had before, adding to my burden.

             
It’s strange, how lonely being pregnant can really be. You’d think it would be the one time in your life when you didn’t feel alone, because you have someone with you, always. Someone moving inside of you, reminding you of their presence multiple times a day. Someone whose body grew with yours.

             
I didn’t know where to put the love I had been developing for Harper. It felt strange, feeling capable of loving someone you’d never even met. In so many ways, she still didn’t feel real to me. I could see the change in my body, so drastic compared to where I’d started out, and it should have been proof enough, but it wasn’t. I tried to imagine her a million different times, and each time she looked different.

             
The nursery furniture arrived the first day of June, a Saturday. It was exactly one week before Adam’s graduation, which only added to my stress. He acted fine, but somehow I knew he wasn’t. High school was almost over for him, and he was heading in a direction no other person from his graduating class was going. His best friend would be moving to the other side of the country in just a few months, and Adam would be staying here, with me. I felt guilty, but I didn’t tell him that. He had enough to deal with.

             
He and Ned picked up the furniture together, bringing it home in a truck Ned borrowed from one of his colleagues. It felt odd, seeing it all separate, ready to be put together and even odder when it was. I pulled a chair from the dining room into the nursery and watched as they put everything together, piece by piece, methodically. Adam was really good with it, which surprised me. Somehow he had remained the boy with the charming smile, even after nearly a year together. It was weird seeing him so concentrated, so focused on something that didn’t directly involve us and our relationship. Things had gotten so serious so fast.

             
A year, how it had flown by. One moment we were making out in the backseat of his car, still not at that next step in our relationship, and the next moment we were parents-to-be. All in the blink of an eye.

             
You’re told that all it takes is one time, but you never believe it. You tell yourself “it will never happen to me,” and somehow that rings true. Getting pregnant unplanned is something reserved for other people, anyone but yourself. But it doesn’t work that way, and once it does happen to you, your entire view on life is altered, changed. If this could happen, than anything could.

             
Adam left briefly at one point during the construction of the furniture, leaving Ned and I alone together in the room. It was quiet at first, and then Ned put down what he was working on, and turned to me, a serious look in his deep brown eyes, just a slight shade lighter than his son’s.

             
If Harper were to be a boy, I knew she’d look just like Adam, the way he looked so much like Ned. Would she look like me? The image of her that had been so clear weeks earlier at the dinner with Lila was faded more now than ever, and I had no idea. Maybe she wouldn’t look like either of us.

             
“I’m sorry to hear about your mother leaving, Lainey,” Ned said, breaking the silence., The sound of his voice made me freeze, momentarily.  In the months I had lived in their house, and then behind it, I don’t think Ned and I have ever had a discussion beyond a request to pass something at the dinner table.

             
“It’s okay,” I told him, because that was the natural response. It wasn’t okay; not at all, and Ned seemed to know that.

             
“Do you think it would have been better if she’d never shown up at all?”

             
Surprisingly, no one had asked me that yet. “I don’t know,” I told him, and he seemed to get it.

             
“I know this hasn’t worked out exactly the way you might have hoped, Lainey. Obviously getting pregnant at this age isn’t something any rationally-minded person would want, but you’ve dealt with it, and I admire for you that, especially since you’ve lacked a lot of support from your family. But I want you to know, what Julia says – about you being a member of the family and all, is true for me, too. I just think you should know that.”

             
“I do,” I replied, my voice barely above a whisper. I was afraid I might begin to cry again, but Ned broke off eye contact and I managed to control my emotions. “Thank you.”

             
“No thanks necessary,” Ned said. “I’m not new to the fact that sometimes people need a little extra reassuring, especially when they’re in as vulnerable position as you are now.”

             
I hated it in a way, that Adam’s family was so supportive, and so endlessly so, when my father couldn’t even handle picking up a phone once a week and checking in on me. When my mother had reappeared for a single week after nine years of radio silence, only to pack up and leave the second I didn’t give in to her every want and desire. When Nora had stopped being the mother she’d promised to be years ago, the minute I didn’t want to listen to her rationality.

             
I didn’t know that I was doing the right thing, bringing this baby into the world and trying to raise it when I wasn’t sure I had even been raised all the way myself. But there was no turning back now, that was the scariest part of all. I couldn’t take any of this back.

             
Adam came back into the room before Ned and I could discuss anything further, and I felt relieved. I wasn’t sure I would know what to say, if there was anything left Ned wanted to tell me or reassure me about. I felt lost, but I didn’t feel capable of sharing that, not with the people that had done so much to keep me sane these last few months. I knew I’d found a home, maybe even a semi-permanent one, but it didn’t feel that way, not completely. One of my biggest fears now was that nowhere would ever feel like home.

             
“So tonight is prom, huh?” Ned asked once Adam had continued working on putting the crib together. He looked up at his father, confused.

             
“Yeah. How did you know?”

             
“Your mother mentioned it,” he admitted. “She was disappointed you two decided not to attend.”

             
“I didn’t want to be another statistic,” I said with a small smile. Hannah had made a joke a few weeks earlier about me going into labor at prom, and that had pretty much ruined any hopes I might have had of wanting to go.

             
“You really think she’d be ready to come out so soon?” Ned asked.

             
“I’m due in a little under two weeks,” I replied. “So it’s possible.”

             
“At least it would be memorable,” he chuckled. “If not, you can hold out for next week, maybe celebrate Adam’s graduation from high school in a big way.”

             
Adam looked slightly pale at the thought. “I hope not.”

             
“That makes two of us.” I placed my hand instinctively over my stomach, hoping that Harper could hear and somehow understand that next Saturday wouldn’t be a good time for her to arrive.

             
“Is your brother still getting married in a few weeks?” Ned asked, grinning. It was the first time I had ever really seen him smile, and it was uncanny, how much he looked like Adam in that moment. I wondered if Harper would have that smile, and hoped she would.

             
“Two weeks from today,” I replied. “Harper should be here by then; she might make a surprise guest appearance.”

             
“You think you’d be up to going that soon after?” Ned asked, looking surprised. “Isn’t she due the twelfth? That’s only two days.”

             
“I’m hoping she’ll come before the twelfth, but it’s possible I’d be okay if she did. Thea doesn’t like to give answers to that stuff until it happens.”

             
“Makes sense.” Ned stepped back from the crib, which was finally beginning to look the way it should. “At least we know for sure she’s going to have a nice place to sleep, whenever she decides to get there.”

             
I looked at the crib, wanting to feel the same joy I’d felt when I first looked at it, but the feeling wouldn’t come. All I felt was sorrow, over the woman who had purchased it, and the promises that had come along with the purchase, over the baby version of myself that had slept in one so similar. I hated that she was gone before she could met Harper, before she could watch her fall asleep. I hated that if she had to go, she couldn’t have at least taken all of the tangible evidence of her ever being here with her.

             
Adam seemed to sense the change in my mood, and slid his arm around my shoulder, holding me close to him. “I think she’ll like it,” he decided, squeezing me slightly. “What do you think?”

             
“I think she’ll be happy,” I replied, promising to myself that that would ring true, no matter what. Even if I couldn’t be, I’d do everything in my power to make sure Harper lived the happiest life possible. Suddenly, nothing in the world seemed more important to me than that.             

             
“She’ll be happy,” I repeated, as if to no one else but myself.

Chapter Forty-Four

              “I look horrible,” Hannah fretted, holding the dress closer to her and spinning slightly, frowning at her reflection.

             
“You do not,” I argued. I knew this was just Hannah’s attempt at getting me to compliment her appearance, but I was more than willing to do that. Besides, I didn’t have to lie. The silky purple gown she had chosen for prom night made her look even more beautiful than she already was, complementing her pale skin and dark hair, and bringing out her jade green eyes even more than usual.

             
“What if he doesn’t like it?” She agonized. “Tonight’s the night, Lainey. I have to look perfect.”

             
I said nothing for a minute, letting the words sink in.
Tonight’s the night
. She’d told me about that a few days ago, that she and Nolan had decided to wait and have their first time on prom night. It was a stereotype, she’d admitted, but one she was fine giving in to. I wanted to warn her against the decision with every fiber in my being, but I knew better. Hannah was going to do what Hannah wanted to do, regardless of my consent or blessing. The best thing to do was to just support her, and be there for her if she later came to regret it.

             
“Did you talk about what’s going to happen once he moves to California?” I asked instead.

             
“No, we haven’t discussed it, but we don’t need to. We’re in love.”

             
I wondered if Nolan had ever actually told Hannah he loved her. Knowing Hannah, she would have paused him in the middle of the sentence so she could tell me all about it, so it didn’t seem likely he had. But I said nothing. I didn’t think I’d ever trust Nolan, but that was okay. I trusted Hannah.

             
“I wish you were going tonight,” she said, placing the dress on her bed and sitting down at the vanity table. “It’s not going to be the same without you.”

             
“I know,” I agreed. “But it wouldn’t be a good idea. I can barely even walk two feet without feeling uncomfortable anymore; being at a dance all night would be unbearable.”

             
“You wouldn’t be the first pregnant girl at a prom, though. You know that, right? Probably not even in Haven. I’m sure there were plenty of girls pregnant by then, but no one noticed because they didn’t give birth until they graduated.”

             
“Maybe,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure how true I thought that was. “But it isn’t for me. Not tonight.”

I was only a sophomore, I kept telling myself. I’d have a junior and a senior prom to look forward to, and Hannah and Adam would both be able to enjoy it with me. This was Adam’s prom, and he’d gone last year. He hadn’t been too impressed by it, and didn’t seem heartbroken about missing out this year.

              Hannah got busy putting her make up on, and all conversation came to a halt. I took the time to look around the room, trying to remember what it felt like sharing it her, but the memories were already too far away. The beds were pushed together, looking more like one these days, and both dressers were spilling out with all of Hannah’s clothes.

I smiled to myself, wondering where everything had been hidden back when one of the dressers had been mine. Instinctively I stood and walked towards it; opening the drawer I had hid the pregnancy test in all those months ago. It was full of Hannah’s shirts now, ones I’d never seen before.

              I almost expected to find it, buried under her clothes, waiting for me. But I knew it was back at home with Adam, where it belonged now. He’d held onto it after Hannah threw it at him the night she found out, and we’d decided to keep it, for memory’s sake. We’d put it in Harper’s baby book once we started to make one, and hold onto it forever.

One day we would tell her the story of how this all came together, how our family came to be, the minute that pregnancy stick came back positive. We’d embellish, make it sound a lot better than it really was. Hopefully Harper would be smart, but bad at math. I smiled at the thought.

              “Are you going to wait with me until Nolan gets here, or are you going to leave as soon as Mom is about to be back?” Hannah asked, interrupting my thoughts.

             
“I didn’t know she was gone,” I admitted. Adam had dropped me off over an hour ago, after Hannah called in a panic, claiming she’d changed her mind about the dress last minute and didn’t know what to do. It was all a ploy to get me over there, but I didn’t mind. If I couldn’t enjoy prom myself, at least I could enjoy watching Hannah get ready for it.

             
“She went to Erin’s,” Hannah replied. “She’s supposed to come back for pictures before I leave, but who knows. And I don’t know where Michael is, but he’s got to be around here somewhere. Mom would never leave this place unattended.”

             
“I’ll stay,” I promised. “I might even try to snap a few pictures myself, on my handy dandy cell phone.” I waved it in the air for emphasis.

             
Hannah smiled in the mirror, directing it at me. “I’m glad you’re here, Lainey. I’ve missed you.”

             
“I’ve missed you, too.”

             
I watched as Hannah finished her makeup and then pulled her hair back, pinning it so that it didn’t hang in her face, but fell loose around her shoulders. She’d curled the bottom few inches, and it looked amazing. She looked like a princess. Nolan was lucky to have her.

             
I helped her into her dress, and by the time she’d slid into her shoes and stuffed whatever she could into the tiny purse she was bringing along, it was time to go downstairs. Nolan was walking through the door almost as soon as we reached the bottom.

             
“Wow,” he said, his jaw practically dropping to the ground. “You look amazing.” It was the biggest compliment I’d ever heard Nolan say, and a part of me was impressed.

             
“Thanks,” Hannah said, beaming. He stared at her for a second longer, before lifting the small box he held in his hand, and removing the corsage from it. It was full of flowers I didn’t know the names of, all in different shades of purple. Again, I was impressed with his ability to choose something that was really going to complement Hannah’s dress.

             
Nora appeared then, camera in hand. Her gaze drifted across me momentarily, but she looked away before I could make eye contact with her. I wondered if she were surprised I were here, and if she’d hoped Hannah’s relationship with Nolan had taken a toll on our friendship. Even though she and my father were still married, I knew she didn’t consider me her stepdaughter anymore, and I wondered if that meant she didn’t consider me to be Hannah’s sister.

             
I stood at the sidelines, watching as Nora snapped pictures of Hannah and Nolan, standing there and smiling, holding on to each other the way I remembered holding onto Adam at the beginning, when our relationship was still fresh and new, and every decision we made didn’t have a lasting impact on the rest of our lives. It brought back feelings of nostalgia, and I took as many pictures as my cell phone could handle, wanting to capture the moment as fully as I could.

             
“Do you have a ride home?” Hannah asked when it was time to go, looking concerned.

             
I smiled at her reassuringly. “I’ll call Adam.”

             
“We can drop you off on the way,” Nolan offered. “It’s no big deal.”

             
I shook my head. “No, get to the prom. I’ll be fine. He’s just at home, anyway. Really,” I added, when Hannah still seemed unsure.

             
“You’re positive?” She asked and I laughed, nodding my head.

             
“Yes, I’m sure.” We hugged a little awkwardly, my stomach feeling huge in between us. “Now go and have fun, and I want to know every single detail afterwards.”
Well, maybe not every single one.

             
“Oh, you will,” she promised, sending me a private wink. Nora was busy examining the pictures on her digital camera, and didn’t catch it.

             
I waved goodbye as they left, and then stood there, feeling as though the air had suddenly become too heavy to breathe. Nora remained in the same room as me, neither of us speaking or moving. I knew I should call Adam and let him know I was ready to get home, but something was stopping me.

             
Nora cleared her throat finally, and I turned to her, waiting for her to speak. “Your father tells me you’re due soon,” she said.

             
I nodded, though I had no idea how my father knew. We hadn’t spoken much in the last few weeks; last few months, really. “The twelfth.”

             
“Less than two weeks.”

             
“Yeah.”

             
“That’s soon,” she said unnecessarily. “Are you ready?”

             
“As ready as I’m going to be.” It wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear, I was sure, but it was the best I could come up with.

             
“Yes, well, that’s how it works, I suppose. I’d offer you a ride home, but we’re getting our biggest batch of guests yet tomorrow morning, plus all the planning I still have to do for your brother’s wedding, so I really can’t.”

             
I hadn’t expected her to, but it still bothered me, on some level. “It’s okay,” I told her. “I wasn’t going to ask anyway.”

             
She didn’t look convinced, but she nodded curtly before turning and heading towards the office. I watched her take a few steps before stopping again and turning just so that I knew she was talking to me, without actually looking at me.

             
“Take care of yourself, Lainey.”

It seemed so final, but I wouldn’t let that bother me. Whatever bond Nora and I had once shared was long since over, and I’d accepted that.

              “I will,” I replied, and she was gone before I could tell her the same.