THE CRITIC (25 page)

“Yes.”

“I’m leaving in five minutes.”  Toreas swiped at the tears running down her cheeks, determined not to sniffle, not to let him know she was crying.

“I’m downstairs waiting for you.”

“I’ll be right down.”  She blotted the tears with the sweater she was wearing as she raced out the door.

The elevator door opened on Jared standing there waiting for her, his look solemn.  He took her bags from her hands and sat them next to his own.

He looked at her for a moment, then with one finger brushed away the remaining tears.  “I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” she whispered as she followed him out the door and to her car.

She faced him expectantly.  He pressed his body against hers, his arms at his side.  She closed her eyes and gave in to the sweetness of the moment, not minding the return of her tears. His chin rested on her head before he leaned down and gave her lips a gentle rub with the pad of one finger.

Toreas waited while he hefted the bags into the trunk of her car. 
There should be more
, she thought.  When the last bag was placed into the trunk Jared turned toward her.

They stood for a long moment staring at each other. Then she was in his arms and he was holding her tight. Neither of them spoke and she knew it was because they were both afraid.

When they broke apart, Jared held Toreas’s face between his hands and kissed away the remaining tears.

He opened the passenger door for her, ignoring the fact that it was her car.  Toreas slid into the passenger seat, not objecting.  She liked it.  She liked him thinking he was in charge.

If her life were truly a story it would flop.  Women no longer liked the same things she did. She was going backwards, loving this man who was trying to possess her, who did possess her soul and her love.

He closed the door and she handed him the map giving him a moment to see the directions she had circled.

She wondered if he would go a completely different way just to prove he was the man and she couldn’t possibly map out a route to drive out of state.

It didn’t matter.  She would follow wherever he led.  She would be like Ruth from the Bible. “Where thou goeth, I will follow.”

She gave him a few more minutes to adjust his seat and head for the expressway before she spoke.  “Why is this so important to you?” she asked him, watching his face intently.

“Because you’re important to me,” he replied.

It wasn’t an “I love you,” but it sure as heck was better than “I care for you.”

She felt the warmth surge through her veins. The knots in her stomach loosened and she relaxed in the seat. She was important to him.

“Toreas.”

“Yes.”

“Why do you want me to come to Georgia with you?” Jared glanced sideways at her, ready for her smart alecky answer. He arched a brow in her direction before returning his gaze to the road. “You’d better not say because I asked you to ask. Now again, why do you want me to come with you to Georgia? Why do you want me to meet your family? And why now at Thanksgiving, when it’s a time for family and loved ones?”

Toreas grinned. This one she would give to Jared. She’d missed him. He was as stubborn as she was. She turned in order to look at his profile and saw his clenched jaw as he waited for her answer. “I wanted you to come to
Georgia with me, Jared, because it is Thanksgiving and it’s a time for loved ones and friends and family. You’re an important part of my life and we should be together on Thanksgiving giving thanks for that.

She could swear he was downright preening. She couldn’t believe it. If he didn’t have a swelled head before he sure would now. Toreas shook her head and laughed, not taking back one word she’d spoken.

“I have the end of my book. Want to read it?” Jared asked.

“Sure.” Toreas reached for the folded paper he pulled from his shirt pocket and settled back, wondering what he’d say this time.

She was stubborn and pigheaded, something he’d never wanted until she whizzed into his life bringing her litany of complaints. Now he couldn’t think of being without her. She thought him an immoral clod and had judged him unfairly, convicting him without a trial, not even allowing him to make a statement in his own defense. With anyone else he would not have cared. With her it was different. She’d gotten under his skin and had wormed her way into his heart and his life. She doubted him and his feelings yet she’d never bothered to admit her own. Something would have to change and shortly. He was going crazy like this. Soon, very soon, he’d make sure she never doubted him again. And if she thought she’d be the heroine and rescue him, she was  wrong. He was intent on showing her that she was the one who needed rescuing. He scratched his head and sighed as he closed his eyes, knowing his thoughts were a lie. He needed rescuing as badly as she did. Maybe with his actions he could save them both. Maybe they were just what the other needed.

She held the paper to her chest. Not exactly a love letter. She couldn’t help the smile that pulled at the corners of her mouth. This time she wouldn’t question him. This time she’d let it be, just enjoy the fact that Jared was here in the car with her and he was there because he’d wanted to be.

For several hours they drove in companionable silence, the only sounds in the car their breathing and the music playing softly in the background.

From time to time Toreas would look at Jared.  His mouth looked pinched and she knew he was feeling the same way.  If they talked they might get into a fight.  So they both chose to remain silent.

Her glance fell on the gas gauge and she wondered if she should draw his attention to it.  Men could be such babies about things like that and their reconciliation was teetering on the brink of fragility.

She smiled to herself.  There was more than one way of getting a man to do what needed doing. Toreas had never played the game herself but she’d seen it played and she’d read about it. Now to see if it would work.  “Jared, do you think we could stop somewhere for a few minutes?  I’m getting tired.”

He glanced at her. “I’m sorry, I should have thought about that.  The next service station we’ll stop.”  He glanced down at the gas gauge and a look of surprise came over his face.

If this had happened a week ago Toreas would have asked him why he was looking so surprised?  And would have possibly added that cars didn’t run on air.

Now she’d rather do it this way.  She wasn’t used to babying a man’s ego, but for the next few days she intended to try.  It might prove interesting.

In a matter of moments several signs appeared and she heard the click of the turn signal as Jared prepared to pull in and get gas. 

“So are you looking forward to seeing this…this… Johnson boy?”

He wasn’t looking at her and she was trying hard to figure if her answer could in any way lead to an argument.  “Not in the least.”

“Isn’t he the man your parents approve of, the man they want for you?”

“Yes, but he’s not the man I want.”  Her eyes were glued to his face.  He turned his smoky gaze on her, then brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.  He held on to her hand, not letting go until they pulled alongside the gas pump.

Toreas got out to stretch her legs and stood beside Jared as he pumped the gas.  She couldn’t help noticing the pinched look was gone from his mouth.

“If you’re tired we can get a room for a couple of hours and rest.”

His eyes were teasing but she knew he meant it. “If I’m late my parents will have the highway patrol out looking for me.”

“You’re a big girl.  You can take care of yourself.”

“I know, but remember they don’t know I’m not traveling alone.  If they were aware you were with me they wouldn’t worry. They would know you would protect me.”  Toreas wanted to gag.  This fragile male ego thing could be a drag.

When he smiled at her she forgot that thought.  She was now turning into one of those women who were doing feminine things in the name of love.  And it felt good.

Jared was enjoying the idea of being her protector. She hoped Kelle would forgive her for allowing him to believe that. But then again, Kelle had a husband, and so did Liz.

Husband.
She rolled the word around on her tongue.  They’d only had a few months of dating and more than a few months of fighting and here she was fantasizing about walking down the aisle with him. But God, did she want to. If someone was really writing the script for her life, she’d have to ask them if they could please do something sappy and make love between a romance writer and a romance critic become reality.
Please, whoever is listening, let Jared tell me he loves me. Let him ask me to marry him and I’ll never ask for another thing as long as I live
. Toreas smiled to herself at her silliness and amended her request.
I’ll not ask for another thing this weekend
.

Their hour break for gas and food was what they both needed.  They returned to the easy conversation they’d shared during the two months when they’d shared dinner each night and later their secret months of dating.  It wasn’t until they were back on the highway that the conversation took a serious turn.

“I never should have spoken to you the way I did,” Jared confessed.

“You were angry.”  Toreas looked out the window, not really wanting to revisit that night.

She saw him eyeing her sharply from her peripheral vision.  “I was hurt.”  His admission surprised her.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.  It was never my intention.  But you made me realize that I am a self-righteous hypocrite.”

“Don’t,” he started, but she shushed him. “I’m sorry for always judging you, Jared. I’ve always hated being judged. You would think I wouldn’t do it to others.”

“Who’s judging you?”

“You’d be surprised.” She laughed and he glanced again at her.  Even she could hear the bitterness in the sound.

“You wouldn’t really understand unless you grew up in a small town where everyone’s in your business.  The wrath of the Lord is constantly thrown in your face, making you fearful.”

She thought for a moment before continuing.  She’d never said the words out loud, not even to herself but she wanted to say them to Jared.

“People of the church always thought they were teaching us to love God.  I don’t know about anyone else, but that wasn’t what happened to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was afraid of God.  I grew so paranoid about it that he became a constant voice in my head chastising me for my wrongdoings.  There was no place I could hide.  He was my critic, always there.”

She laughed for real then.  “As I got older God got company.  My father joined as one of the critics, then the entire congregation.  I had to get out of there.  They were everywhere critiquing my words, my walk, both physical and spiritual, my dress.”

She caught his gaze on her clothes and hit him playfully on the shoulder.  “I guess it would have been all right but I didn’t believe everything I was told.  How could I love a God that I was afraid of?”

“Is that why you chose to write romance novels?  Were you rebelling?”

“No, though my father thinks so.  There were many things I rebelled against.  But my writing had nothing to do with that. I saw how much my mother and father loved each other and I wanted that.”  She blushed.  “I wanted to read about it.  Then later I wanted to write about love.”

“So why do you have so much trouble with…,” he coughed,  “certain scenes?”

“That one’s easy.”  She smiled at him.  “I left
Georgia, but those internal critics of mine moved to Chicago with me.  I’m constantly in conflict between what I was taught and what I want to do.  So you see, you were right when you called me a hypocrite.”

Jared was listening to Toreas, aware that she was sharing her most intimate thoughts with him.  “You picked a hard dream.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“Why don’t you write inspirational romances?  Maybe that would work for you.”

“How do you…?”

“I’ve been learning. So, why don’t you?”

“Because I’m not the prude you think I am. I want to write about the sensuous side of love. You might not believe this, but sometimes I have really naughty thoughts and I want to put them on paper.  I just don’t want porn.”

He wanted to ask her something. He could tell she was watching him and he wished they were someplace besides the car having this conversation.  “How do you manage to…to make love with all the guilt?”

Toreas was blushing.  He’d half expected it. Still, he was curious.  How was she planning on them having a relationship?

“Let’s say I’ve done the deed without the enjoyment.”

He knew it.  Had known it from the time he’d first kissed her in her apartment.  “So you aren’t planning on enjoying the things I’m planning to do to you?”

She didn’t answer him.  He reached for her hand and gave a squeeze.  “Will you feel guilty when we finally make love?”

He was certain they would and making sure she knew he planned on it. By the time they left Georgia, if everything went according to his plan, they would be making love to each other for their rest of their lives. “Toreas,” Jared called softly. “Will you feel guilty making love to me?”