The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (23 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E
: “Ma’am, it’s okay. I can wait on the phone while you go check those lights for me.”
C
ALLER
: “Well, the basement is flooded.”
M
E
: “Oh. And where is your modem in the basement?”
C
ALLER
: “It’s floating on top of the water.”
M
E
: “Ma’am, that might be the problem.”
C
ALLER
: “Well, the side that’s floating up has the holes in it, so it should still be working!”
T
ECH
S
UPPORT
| P
HOENIX
, A
RIZONA
M
E
: “Okay, so what seems to be the problem?”
C
ALLER
: “Well, it’s my son’s computer, it’s … smoking.”
M
E
: “It’s smoking? Is it making a loud beeping sound or is it hot? Anything else that would indicate that it’s on fire?”
C
ALLER
: “No! It’s not hot or anything. In fact, it seems to work just fine, but after it being on for about two or three minutes it starts to smoke.”
M
E
: “Okay … well, shut the machine down, unplug it, and then hold down the power button for about ten seconds.”
C
ALLER
: “Okay. Got it. Now what?”
M
E
: “Okay, open the case and take a look inside. Does anything look melted or cracked or—”
C
ALLER
: “Oh …”
M
E
: “You found the problem?”
C
ALLER
: *angry* “Oooh yeah. There’s … uh … there’s a little plastic bag taped to the inside of the case … full of dried green stuff.”
M
E
: *trying not to laugh*
C
ALLER
: “Thanks for your help. I need to go have a talk with my son.”*click*
C
ATERING
| C
ONNECTICUT
(We get a phone call on a Thursday night in December, the busiest season in catering.)
C
USTOMER
: “May I speak to the owner?”
M
E
: “This is the owner. How may I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “No, I mean the guy who is the owner.”
M
E
: “That’s my husband. I’m sorry, he is busy at the moment. Is there something I can help you with?”
C
USTOMER
: “I need a catering menu e-mailed.”
M
E
: “I can certainly do that for you. When is your event?”
C
USTOMER
: “Saturday.”
M
E
: “This Saturday? Like two days from now?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes.”
M
E
: “Well, I apologize but we are completely booked for this Saturday.”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s why I wanted to talk to the other owner. I spoke to him two weeks ago and he said you were not booked.”
M
E
: “We weren’t booked two weeks ago, but we are now.”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, I’ve already sent out the invitations, and I need food for my party.”
M
E
: “I’m sorry, but we are completely booked. We already have three large parties, and we just couldn’t possibly take on a fourth.”
C
USTOMER
: “Can you recommend another caterer?”
M
E
: “Not really. I’ve never used another caterer, so I can’t recommend one.”
C
USTOMER
: “Haven’t you ever been to a party catered by another caterer?”
M
E
: “We’re caterers. We don’t go to parties. We work at other people’s parties.”
C
USTOMER
: “IT’S ONLY TWENTY-FIVE PEOPLE!”
M
E
: “Um … okay.”
C
USTOMER
: “You said you have three parties. Couldn’t you just make enough extra food for twenty-five people and come over and serve it?”
M
E
: “You mean cater the party?”
C
USTOMER
: “No, just make some food and bring it over and serve it, and clean up afterwards. It’s fairly easy, isn’t it?”
(I adore it when people tell me my sixteen-hour-a-day job is easy.)
F
IREFIGHTER
/P
ARAMEDIC
| D
ALLAS
, T
EXAS
(We are sent on a medical emergency at 3:00 a.m. We enter the house when this exchange takes place.)
M
E
: “What’s going on tonight, sir?”
M
AN
: “I need CPR!”
M
E
: “Excuse me?”
M
AN
: “I need CPR!”
M
E
: “Well, sir, just let us check you out and let’s see what’s going on.”
M
AN
: “I’ll tell you what’s going on, I need CPR!”
M
E
: “Sir, we are not in the habit of performing CPR on people who are breathing and talking to us.”
M
AN
: “You’re not going to give me CPR?”
M
E
: “No, sir.”
M
AN
: “Then get the heck out of my house!”
M
E
: “Yes, sir. Have a great evening.”
T
OY
S
TORE
| B
ELGIUM
C
USTOMER
: “Hi, I’d like a Playboy for my son.”
M
E
: “… Excuse me?”
C
USTOMER
: “You know, a Playboy to play with.”
M
E
: *trying very hard not to laugh* “You mean a Game Boy?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yeah, that!”
C
USTOMER
: *realizes what she said* “OH!”
B
OOKSTORE
| A
LBERTA
M
E
: “… And your total comes to $3.95.”
(The customer hands me a $100 bill.)
M
E
: “Do you happen to have anything smaller?”
C
USTOMER
: “Are you telling me you won’t accept my money?!!”
M
E
: “Well, it’s a little large, but—”
C
USTOMER
: “Fine, then I guess I won’t be needing THIS anymore!”
(The customer suddenly rips his $100 bill into four pieces. I stare at the customer in disbelief. The customer realizes what he’s done and frantically looks around my counter.)
C
USTOMER
: “… Do you have any tape?”
V
IDEO
R
ENTAL
S
TORE
| B
UFFALO
, N
EW
Y
ORK
(A woman in medical scrubs with a name badge enters the store and approaches the counter.)
C
USTOMER
: “Helllooo! How are YOU tonight?”
M
E
: “I’m doing well. How are you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, just fine. Are you voting in this year’s election?”
M
E
: “Yes, I am.”
C
USTOMER
: “Have you considered John McCain?”
M
E
: “Well, no, not really.”
C
USTOMER
: “No? Who are you voting for, OBAMA?”
M
E
: “…”
C
USTOMER
: “OBAMA! HA HA HA!”
(She continues to laugh maniacally, inserting “OBAMA” between laughs. After a little while, she comes to the register with a few rentals.)
C
USTOMER
: “Hellooo! How are you tonight?”
M
E
: “Still doing well… did you find what you were looking for?”
C
USTOMER
: “Have you thought at all about this year’s election?”
M
E
: “…”
C
USTOMER
: “What?”
M
E
: “We just had this conversation.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh. Who are you voting for? I’m voting for Obama. I just want our troops to come home.”
M
E
: “You just laughed at me for not wanting to vote for McCain!”
C
USTOMER
: *confused look* “Really? I’m so tired when I get out of work!”
C
AMERA
S
TORE
| O
TTAWA
, O
NTARIO
(I sold a camera to a woman a few weeks ago. I’m now giving her a lesson on how to use it.)
M
E
: “So, is there anything in particular that you would like me to go over first?”
C
USTOMER
: “Actually, yes! I’m going on a trip to the U.S. There’s a restaurant that has a haunted basement.”
M
E
: “Okay … Um, what can I show you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, I want to be able to take pictures of orbs.”
M
E
: “Orbs?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes, you know, those spirit things. You see, they have pirate spirits there. I want to have pictures of them!”
M
E
: “I see … Well, I’m not sure as to how you might use this camera to take these pictures. Um, maybe you can try a setting that enhances the light intensity?”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s a great idea! Now I can take pictures of pirate ghosts!”
(My coworker has been listening to the entire conversation and chimes in playfully.)
C
OWORKER
: “Pfft, pirates? Please! We all know ninjas beat them, hands down!”
C
USTOMER
: “Everyone knows there are no such things as ninja ghosts! That’s so obvious!”
A
IRLINE
| N
EW
Y
ORK
, N
EW
Y
ORK
(I am flying in first class when two women sitting across the aisle from me buzz the flight attendant.)
F
LIGHT ATTENDANT
: “What can I help you with?”
P
ASSENGER
#1: “The plane seems to be shaking a lot, and I almost spilled my bottle of water.”
P
ASSENGER
#2: “Yeah, and it’s also really noisy. We can barely hear each other talk.”
F
LIGHT ATTENDANT
: “Well, the shaking is the turbulence that the plane is flying through, and the noise is coming from the engines.”
P
ASSENGER
#2: “Can’t you turn off the engines?”
C
OFFEE
S
HOP
| M
ADISON
, W
ISCONSIN