The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (25 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
OM
: “Ask Santa for another bag for your brother like I told you.”*looks at Santa* “He’s sick at home and couldn’t come.”
S
ANTA
: “No problem!” *reaches for another bag*
K
ID
: “But, Mommy, I don’t have a brother!”
M
OM
: “…”
S
ANTA
: *puts bag back*
D
ELI
| W
ISCONSIN
(I’m very short. Working in a deli is a bit difficult because I can hardly see over the counter, but normally people don’t say anything.)
M
E
: “Hi! Can I help you?”
W
OMAN
: “Oh. My. God. You are sooo cute!”
M
E
: *awkward laugh*
W
OMAN
: “No! YOU are too cute! What are you, like, twelve?”
M
E
: “Oh, no. I’m seventeen, actually.”
W
OMAN
: “Oh my God! Gary, come look at this girl! She’s so short!”
(“Gary” comes over and they both stare at me, the woman with a big smile on her face.)
M
E
: “Yeah, can I get you anything?”
W
OMAN
: “Oh, no. Thank you, though!” *walks away*
C
OLLEGE
| L
OUISIANA
(I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.)
G
IRL
#1: “Ummm … can we, like, borrow your phone book?”
M
E
: “Sure thing.”
G
IRL
#1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded*
M
E
: “Need help finding something?”
G
IRL
#2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J.’”
G
IRL
#1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…”
G
IRL
#2: “OmiGAWD, me too!” *giggle giggle*
(I grab the phone book and look up their listing.)
M
E
: “Here—Jason’s.”
G
IRL
#1: “Oh my GAWD, thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…”
C
ALL
C
ENTER
| A
BERDEEN
, S
COTLAND
M
E
: “Reverend Hope? That’s a great name for your line of business.”
R
EVEREND
: “Thanks, I love my job. It’s hard sometimes, as the devil is always close behind me, but thanks for your help. Could I get my order reference, please?”
M
E
: “Sure. It’s … you’re never going to believe this.”
R
EVEREND
: “What?”
M
E
: “Your order reference is 54-666.”
R
EVEREND
: “See, I told you he’s always close! Ha ha, wait till I tell my parishioners about this!”
V
IDEO
G
AME
S
TORE
| M
IAMI
, F
LORIDA
(Two kids who can’t be older than thirteen or fourteen walk into our video game store. One of them heads over to the rack, picks up a game, and hides it behind his back and approaches me.)
C
USTOMER
: “YO, dawg, sup?”
M
E
: “Uh … nothing. Can I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Dawg … we tight, right?”
M
E
: “Uh … sure …”
C
USTOMER
: “We straight, right? Brothers be looking out for each other, right?”
M
E
: “I guess …”
(The customer puts
Grand Theft Auto 4
on the counter.)
C
USTOMER
: “Then you just be ringing this up for us, right, dawg?”
(I take the game and hold it in my hand.)
M
E
: “Hey, do you know why they call it
Grand Theft Auto 4?”
C
USTOMER
: “Huh?”
M
E
: “Because you’re four years too young to buy it.”
C
USTOMER
: “Man, forget you!”
(The customer and his friend storm out.)
C
OWORKER
: “Well played.”
M
OVIE
T
HEATER
| P
HILADELPHIA
, P
ENNSYLVANIA
C
USTOMER
: “I’d like two tickets for [movie], please.”
C
OWORKER
: “That movie is rated R. Can I see your ID?”
C
USTOMER
: *shows an ID that states she is eighteen*
C
OWORKER
: “You need to be twenty-one in order to purchase an R-rated ticket for someone else.”
C
USTOMER
: “But it’s for my son!”
C
OWORKER
: “How old is your son?”
C
USTOMER
: “Sixteen …”
C
OWORKER
: “So you’re eighteen … and you have a sixteen-year-old son?”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s right!”
C
OWORKER
: “Let me get my manager …”
M
ANAGER
: “Ma’am, you need to be twenty-one to purchase a ticket for a minor.”
C
USTOMER
: “But he’s my son!”
M
ANAGER
: “You’re telling me you gave birth when you were two years old?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes! It happens, I promise you!”
S
ANDWICH
D
ELIVERY
| C
HICAGO
, I
LLINOIS
(I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners who want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4:00 p.m. on Saturday when I get this call.)
M
E
: “Welcome to ****, this is ****. How can I help you?”
S
TONER
# 1: “Hey … yeah …”
M
E
: “How can I help you today, sir?”
S
TONER
#1: “What?”
M
E
: “Would you like to order something?”
S
TONER
#1: “Yes …”
(After about two minutes of silence…)
M
E
: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”
S
TONER
#1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”
M
E
: “… Okay, what would you like?”
S
TONER
#1: *tells me his order*
M
E
: “Would you like anything else with that?”
S
TONER
#1: “Yeah … get me a cookie.”
(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)
S
TONER
#2: “Cookies!? Where?”
S
TONER
#1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”
(Now I can hear Stoner #2 grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)
S
TONER
#2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”
S
TONER
#3: “Four cookies! I want two!”
S
TONER
#2: “SIX COOKIES!”
M
E
: *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”
S
TONER
#2: “Yeahhhhhh.”
M
E
: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”
S
TONER
#2: “Delivery …”*gives address*
S
TONER
#1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”
S
TONER
#2: “You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”
(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.)
M
E
: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-T-C-E on the side.”
S
TONER
#2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”
S
TONER
#1: “Dude, she means the police!”
S
TONER
#2: “SHOOT!” *click*
(We ended up delivering to them anyway, because technically they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)
T
HEME
P
ARK
| N
EW
Y
ORK
(Almost thirty kids are lined up at the Velcro wall waiting to ride.)
S
OME MOTHER
: “I want my son to ride this ride.”
M
E
: “Ma’am, I don’t think there’s enough time for all these kids to—”
S
OME MOTHER
: “I don’t care if he’s the last one. I want him to ride this ride.”
M
E
: “This ride is going to shut down in about five minutes. There isn’t enough time for—”
S
OME MOTHER
: “He can be the last in line then.”
M
E
: “He can wait in line but probably won’t be able to—”
S
OME MOTHER
: “Fine.”
(Mother walks away and returns some time after the ride is shut down and all kids are turned away.)
S
OME MOTHER
: “Hey! HEY! I thought we agreed that my child would get on the ride.”
M
E
: “That’s not what we agreed to.”
S
OME MOTHER
: “Well, put the ride back up so he can ride it.”
M
E
: “I’m sorry but we can’t do all that for one child.”
S
OME MOTHER
: “Why not?! You’re just being stubborn.”
M
E
: “If you have any complaints you can speak to the clown over there. Have a nice day.”
S
OME MOTHER
: “I don’t want to talk to any clown.”
M
E
: “That clown is my boss.”
R
ETAIL
| C
OMMACK
, N
EW
Y
ORK