The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (9 page)

When pressed by Fenella (nosey cow!) it transpired she’s a well respected artist and had been approached by palace courtiers to discuss a commission by William & Kate!

Oh it just gets to be more and more fun.

Tuesday 4
^th
November

CCL

Spent the morning preparing for the meeting tonight.

Fenella, Patience and I (or the ‘Anti-Meemies’ as Fenella has now named us) have decided that I’ll announce the good news of our anonymous donor.  Patience’s father, Mr Umbolo, did in fact agree to fund a child from reception until the age of eleven.  Patience wants to play things by ear and get a bit more value out of the Meemies’ nastiness before we strike with our trump card and disclose exactly where the money has come from.

I’m also to request that she has a stall at the Christmas fair - let’s see if they’re as cultured as they make out.

I somehow doubt it, given the vulgar displays I’ve seen adorning walls at various drinks parties - but what a scream when they realise she’s an artist ‘By Royal Appointment’.

PM

Home after a
very
long meeting, which would have been even longer if Hinge & Bracket hadn’t intervened.

They started by announcing the winner of the Poetry & Prose book cover competition and Fenella and I were delighted to hear that it was Solomon (obviously has his mother’s artistic talents).

There were a few disgruntled mumblings.  Think I heard “unfair,” “new boy,” and “fix,” but I was determined not to rise to them.

Our anonymous donor news was received well by Hinge & Bracket.  Hinge practically fell off her chair and Bracket looked like she was about to hyperventilate as she wafted herself with her lace hankie.

Shergar and Barbie were deep in conversation and then Shergar stood and spoke.

“I’m sorry but, as treasurer, I don’t feel it’s acceptable for the benefactor to remain incognito.  We, as fund raisers, have a right to know where the money’s coming from - especially an amount such as this.”

Hinge put Shergar firmly in her place and told her that we had no rights whatsoever.

“I think it’s wonderful news for CCL and in no way would I want to jeopardise such a generous contribution by insisting the person reveal themselves.  We quite simply have to respect their wishes and thank Libby for providing us with such a useful contact.  The matter is closed.”

Shergar did a little whinny and flumped back in to her seat. Dress-up Mummy ruffled her tutu and looked as glazed as ever and Barbie played with her extensions.

Mr Rooney looked over at me and winked!  Hmm, really quite cute.

Barbie then took to her feet with Christmas fair updates - they don’t seem to be quite as organised as we were last year but we can’t spoon-feed them.  Our food stall is all set so that’s all we can concern ourselves with.

When it came to our turn, Fenella and I told them that all was set for the welcoming drinks party on Friday and that the Auction of Promises was looking good for the middle of the month.  I also requested the stall for Patience and was initially met with a stony silence from our Christmas fair trio.

Barbie actually managed to string a sentence together and said, “An artist, you say?  She’s an
artist? 
 Well she’s welcome to a stall but I can’t guarantee it will be popular.  We
know
what we like here at Manor House.”

Fenella and I smiled slyly at one another and said that, yes, we were sure they
did
know what they liked but it was only fair to give a new mum a chance.

“Well, she can give us fifty quid for the space then - if she can
afford
that - we’re not having the space run at a loss and she can also give us 20% of all commissions.”

Had to kick Fenella swiftly under the table as I felt sure she was about to blow a gasket and give the game away.

“I’m sure that will be perfectly acceptable to her,” I told Barbie and rapidly brought the meting to a close before Fenella could blab - I wanted to have a lot more fun with
this
one.

Mr Rooney approached me as I was packing my files away.  He got quite close and I could smell toothpaste and a rather nice aftershave.

He positioned himself close to my ear and whispered, “You two are up to something, aren’t you?  Can’t wait to find out what.”

Hmm.  Felt the first stirring of arousal I’ve had in months.

Oh, pull yourself together woman!  He has that effect on
all
the mums - get to the back of the queue.

Wednesday 5
^th
November

We were enjoying a mini fireworks display at F&J’s along with Patience and Solomon when my mobile rang and I saw ‘Nic’ flash up on the screen.

They’ve got baby Mikhail settled in at home and want us to go and meet him tomorrow.  He sounded so happy … and I felt so sad.

A new baby.  I’ll have to hold it and smell it and grow to love it.

And I’m not sure if I can.

Put a bit of a dampener on the fireworks and I went home with the hump.

Thought I was getting better but the hurt just won’t go away.

Thursday 6
^th
November

Most of the day was spent finalising things for the parents’ welcome drinks party tomorrow but I did manage to pop in to Mrs S before we set off to Nic and Rick.

Skunk and Silver were there with her and teaching her to play poker.  She had her trademark Babycham by her side and Desmond was happily whistling bits of ‘Firestarter’ whilst sitting on her shoulder.

“Old Des has got quite a routine going now, Lib.  Can’t ‘ave ‘im just doin’ Bazza Manilow numbers can we?” Skunk said.

“I am very much looking forward to seeing ‘Miss Stuck-up’ when she returns with my Pritesh.  She won’t be calling
my
birdie untrainable again in a curry-hurry.”

Told Mrs S to make sure I was there to witness the look on Gestapo’s face when she does the ‘big reveal’.  I’m sure it will be priceless.

PM

Ned came home from work early so that we could get to Nic’s at a reasonable time.  I’d bought them some adorable Babygrows and a snow-suit but the act almost broke my heart.

Anyway, the upshot is Mikhail is very cute, if a tad odd looking.  He has
the most
serious expression and, at three months, seems very knowing in a slightly unnerving sort of way.

Max asked if he could understand what we were saying to him or if we would have to learn Russian.  We explained to him that Mikhail would learn to speak English as he grew up and right now wouldn’t understand any of what we were saying because he was too young.

“Oh, so he won’t mind if I say he looks a bit like an old man then?”

Explained that no,
he
wouldn’t but
Nic and Rick
might!

Nic laughed and tickled Max.  “Oh I don’t mind Maxie-Boy! 
You
looked like a rotten tomato when you were born and
now
look how handsome you are.”

Max giggled and jumped off the sofa declaring that babies were boring and he was going to play with Stripe.

“I’m glad
we
haven’t got one,” he added as he went to find Stripe.  “They don’t
do
anything!”

At that moment Baby Mikhail chose to fill his nappy with a humungous wet one and I took great pleasure in handing him back to his fathers!

Friday 7
^th
November

Welcome Drinks Party

Thought I needed a spot of retail therapy this morning and decided to treat myself to something new to wear tonight.

What’s more, I decided I’d buy
new
for a change and not hit the charity shops.  I didn’t intend to go mad with some ridiculously over-priced designer gear because that’s just not
me
,
but it felt good to be able to have a wander around the shops and not worry
too
much about price-tags.

Decided on a really trendy tunic and some beautifully soft suede knee-length boots.  They’ll look great with my leggings, and I think my anxiety may have helped me to shed a couple of pounds over the last few months, so that can only be a bonus.

Late morning I had a call from Shergar to say that a lot of the mums had decided against coming tonight because they didn’t see “any value” in meeting new parents.

“I mean we’re all
frightfully
busy, Libby and to be perfectly honest, a lot of the newbies are just so not PLU.  I’m frankly surprised at some of the riff-raff allowed into Manor House in the past year.”

Once I’d got over the shock of her rudeness, I had to ask what she meant by ‘PLU’.

“PLU, darling.  ‘People Like Us’ - but then I suppose, strictly speaking, being one of the nouveau,
you’re
not
really,
are you?”

Bloody cheek!  Most of the mothers there are only loaded because they’re arm candy for the old gits they married - seems she chooses to forget that.

Finished the conversation very quickly after that and
fumed.

I fumed so hard that I managed to clean all the bedrooms, do the vacuuming, scrub the kitchen and sort out the under-the-stairs cupboard.

PLU!  ‘The ideal motivation to assist in tackling those boring household chores.’  They should bottle it.

PM

Back from school drinks and knackered.  Will have to recount the details tomorrow but once again am gob-smacked by the snotty attitude of some parents.

Saturday 8
^th
November

So, where do I begin?

Fenella and I arrived early last night to set up the school hall ready for the arrival of … whoever decided to turn up.

Mr Rooney popped his head around the door and asked if he could do anything to help.  We politely declined but Fenella had a few ideas of her own that she confided she wouldn’t mind him helping with.

“Mmm, Lib, he really is quite a dream-boat, isn’t he?”

Agreed that yes, he
was
rather cute but reminded her that we were both happily married women
and
she’s five months pregnant.

“I know, I know.  I can hardly forget with a belly like this on me, can I?  Anyway I’m always hornier when I’m pregnant, so allow me my fantasies.”

Patience arrived just at that moment to help and joined in the conversation.  “Don’t talk to
me
about being horny, I haven’t had a man in seven years!  My last one got me pregnant and it’s been a drought since then.  You’ve both already got men on tap so you’ll get no sympathy from me.”

Which was exactly the moment I noticed Letchy skulking outside the hall door, ear-wigging every word.  I warned Patience with a gesture to the door and she added, in quite a loud stagey voice and with a wink, “Of course it’s all so much better, now I’m a lesbian.  Nothing like a bit of girl-on-girl action to satisfy the libido.”

Once we were sure Letchy had moved on, and Fenella and I had stopping laughing, we told her that she’d probably chosen the worst possible thing to say.  Letchy would never leave her alone now - she’d added fuel to the dirty little perv’s rampant imagination.

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that.  I’m more than capable of dealing with the likes of
him
.  It just adds to the fun.  Let’s get them all thinking I’m a black, penniless, single mother lesbo.  I don’t
give
a shit!”

Fenella added, “Perhaps you and I should be discovered having a snog in the broom cupboard?  Add a pregnant bisexual twist to the plot.”

God, those two are incorrigible!  I can see it’s going to take
me
to keep them in check.

Jenny arrived shortly afterwards, looking very waitress-like in a black skirt with white blouse and pinny.  “Evening, ladies.  Colin won’t be long, he’s just ironing a shirt.  God it’s been a pig of a day, get us a glass of vino.”

We poured her a drink and she filled us in on ‘A Day in the Life as a School Secretary.’  Two mothers had refused to collect their sick children as it was “inconvenient” and Colin had been asked to move his car from the school forecourt by a mother who wanted to use the space instead.

“It’s
his
designated space for Christ’s sake!  He’s the caretaker, he needs to park it
somewhere
.  When he refused, she said she’d report him to Hinge & Bracket.  Bloody cheek!”

I slipped her an envelope with 200 quid in it and told her that I hoped that would cheer her up - the school can afford it and, as extra-curricular events don’t really form part of their duties, it came out of our float money.  Authorised, of course, by Hinge & Bracket.

The canapés had already been delivered so all we needed to do was talk Jenny through what was in each one.  “Not that any of the mummies are likely to eat anything,” Fenella told her.  “So just keep bringing them round my way.  Can’t drink, so I intend to max out on the grub.”