The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (10 page)

As it hit seven o’clock, a few teachers and parents began to trickle into the hall and the familiar hub-bub of noise started up.

Ned and Josh arrived together after settling the kids down with Olga, who was also supplementing the paltry wages she got from ‘Lydia-Boss-Lady’.  I hadn’t had the chance to fill Ned in on the hateful conversation I’d had with Shergar so, when he commented on the fact that it wasn’t a great turnout, I just told him I’d bring him up to speed later.

I guess there must have been about fifty parents there in total - not great for a school of 160 kids - and the ones who
had
turned out had obviously done it to decide whether the newbies were worthy of their inclusion in the school.

Overheard snippets from the evening:

# 1  “I really feel that Manor House needs to introduce a more rigorous selection process.  In fact, I might bring it up at our next coffee morning.  After all it’s our responsibility to protect our children from just
anyone
joining the school.”

# 2  “ … and that revolting little man simply refused to move his car.  Does anyone actually know what he
does
around here anyway?”

At this point, Jenny was offering canapés and answered, “That “revolting little man” is called Colin and happens to be my husband.  He’s also the caretaker of this school and dedicates his life to keeping it a safe environment for your little darlings.  Pork sausage?”  And she thrust her silver platter under the nose of a Jewish mama.

#3  “
I
 firmly believe that the school fees should be upped by about 25%.  That would soon sort the problem.  And as for CCL!  Why would we
want
to provide an education for under-privileged kids?  Isn’t that what states schools are for?”

#4  “I’m meant to be on tombola duty at the Christmas fair.  I must remember to let the committee know I can’t do it.  Off to The Sanctuary for an overhaul.  The nanny can just use her day off to bring the kids to the fair.”

And so it continued, whinge after whinge, bitch after bitch, moan after moan.

I sometimes wonder why I bother even trying to get to know the evil lot.  And then I remind myself it’s all for little Max’s benefit and to try get him the best education we can.

The only real giggle was watching Patience with a confounded Letchy as she teased him with her sultriest pout and girliest giggle.

As we cleared away at the end of the evening, I just thanked the God of Mummies that I had Fenella, Patience and Jenny as my allies.

Sunday 9
^th
November

Lou called from Scotland to say that she’s got herself a job in Finn’s nursery so that she can keep an eye on him.

“But the bastards won’t let me start until my CRB comes back clean. 
Anything
could happen to him in that time - crayons could be choked on, Lego shoved up nostrils.”

Explained that she wouldn’t be happy if she’d found out that anyone
else
at the nursery had been working there without a CRB and she poo-pooed me.

“Yeh, but I
know
I’m OK and I
need
to be there for ma boy.”

Classic Lou-Logic at it’s best.

Settled down to go through my notes for the Auction of Promises next Friday. 

There have been unconfirmed rumours that one of the mums personally knows Nigella and that she’s pledged a day’s cookery course with her.  Nigella, or ‘My God’, as she’s known in our house, could be within my grasp.  Still haven’t decided if I love or hate her.  And would I
really
bid good money to spend a day simpering whilst simmering and pouting whilst poaching?  Probably not, if I’m totally honest.

All seems to be in order for the event and Fenella’s mum, Olivia, seems very excited to be bringing down the gavel.  Just hope she has the knack of doing the hard sell to get people whipped into a frenzy of bidding.  They need to forget that it’s for charity and set their eyes on the prize instead.

With any luck, they’ll all be so eager to outdo one another we’ll make a killing at the expense of their vulgarity.

Perfect!

Monday 10
^th
November

Had an email this morning which has left me reeling.  I think I used every swear word in the English language plus a few in Russian, Czech and Swedish taught to me by Olga and a few of the other au pairs.

Just way too pissed off to write at the moment - and suddenly have quite a lot to get sorted.

PM

OK, so here’s the story.

Shergar, Barbie and Dress-up Mummy have decided to down tools on the Christmas fair which is
twelve days away!

Their pathetic excuse is that Barbie needs to have major surgery (no doubt not life threatening but purely cosmetic) and Shergar is “just monstrously busy in the lead up to the festive season”.  Dress-up didn’t give an excuse - probably too spaced out.

I’m practically certain that it’s all to do with the fundraising being for CCL and it just leaves me burning with rage.

Had an emergency meeting with Fenella - me on the fags and her on the Irn Bru.

Felt just like the old days but who’d have thought we’d find ourselves in this position exactly a year down the track?  We’d been foolish enough to believe that we’d served our apprenticeship last year.

I’d already collected the files from Shergar and they made pretty sad reading.  They really hadn’t done very much at all and things were looking horribly grim.

Fenella had a flick through the meagre offerings.  “Sweedie, there’s no way we can let the kids down.  The fair’s one of the highlights of their school year.  They love being little grown ups, going round with their purses buying Christmas presents and winning bits of tat on the games.  What are we going to do?”

I shook my head in despair as I looked over the files.  Just about the only things they
had
managed to sort were a couple of dads to be Father Christmas, a few naff games and three stalls of designer clothes and shoes.

Twelve days to go
and that’s the sum total of their work - it beggars belief.

Told Fenella my biggest worry.

“If everyone is
so
anti-CCL, people won’t be spending money.  Somehow, we need to find a way around this.”

Organising the fair, with a willing team behind us, will probably be a doddle compared to convincing people that we’re doing it for a worthwhile cause.

Tuesday 11
^th
November

Right, got the fundraising issue sorted and all OK’d by Hinge & Bracket.

We’ve now agreed that all proceeds will be divided equally between CCL
and
new equipment for the school.  That way we’ll be able to shut up those who have an issue with scholarship kids at the school - a new climbing frame or gym equipment will surely stop them moaning.

It
does
mean that we’re going to have to raise an awful lot of money, but Mr Umbolo’s generous donation has already lightened the load significantly.

So … all we need to do now is organise a fair - again!

PM

It’s been a rather long day but a lot has been achieved.

Summary;

Reliable
xmas fair team now in place - me, Fenella, Patience, Jenny, Olga, Eva and Sarah (a couple of ‘normal’ mums who proved to be invaluable last year) and Mrs S.  Obviously, strictly speaking she’s nothing to do with the school but we’ve got her stuffing envelopes with raffle tickets and addressing them to each family to go home in the kids’ book bags.  She’ll then move on to wrapping the lucky dip prizes and the grotto gifts.  I’m paying her in bottles of her favourite tipple and a bonus Bazza DVD boxed set.  It’s good to keep her busy.

Had quick chat with Fenella on the phone before hitting the hay at a ridiculous hour, her final comment ringing in my ears, “Keep knickers firmly in untwisted position.  We
can
do this!”

Only Fenella!

Wednesday 12
^th
November

Had several unsavoury emails today, ranging from lack of support, quality of tombola donations and requests for unsuitable activities and stall-holders.

Ignored them all.  No point getting myself entangled in them - at this late stage, the fair will run our way or no way.

Went to drop more work to Mrs S and found that she’d roped Skunk, Silver, Pritesh and Gestapo into helping with the raffle tickets.

What an odd team they made.

Gestapo had volunteered her services to make tea and coffee as “Paper plays havoc with my acrylics and I can’t afford to get them seen to as regularly as I used to.”

Mrs S harrumphed at the pointed remark and soldiered on with her envelope stuffing.  I then saw the most subtle of smiles creep over her face.

“I am thinking we should all be taking a little break for refreshments now and while we are partaking, Desmond can give us a little light entertainment.”

While Gestapo reluctantly dragged her tight little designer bum into the kitchen, Mrs S removed Desmond from his cage and took him through his warm-up.

Gestapo nearly dropped the tray in shock when she re-entered the room to Desmond bopping along and whistling his Manilow debut.

I’m almost certain I heard Mrs S mumble, “That will be showing
you,
you stuck up bitch!” as she replaced Desmond in his cage.

PM

Ned seems to be spending more and more time at work lately.  Possibly because I’m always chasing my tail but probably because he knows we’re not likely to be having sex any time soon.

I’m not proud of my lack of interest but it’s just the way it is at the moment - not a spark or a glimmer of desire.

Frigid, that’s me.  Get me to a nunnery.

Thursday 13
^th
November

Patience has proved to be worth her weight in gold in the fair organisation.  She happily approaches mums at the school gates and attempts to enlist their services.

She’s also very good at ignoring their snubs and readily accepting the eager offers of help from flirting dads.  She’s single-handedly booked fifteen fantastic outside stall holders to sell their goods (calling in old favours from her creative friends), secured a bouncy castle and Buckin’ Bronco
and
sourced and bought all the prizes for the kids’ mini-games.

“These bloody women
will
accept me if it kills me.”  She said when she called me with an update.

Didn’t have the heart to tell her that their acceptance will only
really
come when they find out who she is.  And then, would it be worth anything?

PM

Had to put all fair business on back burner so that we could finalise details for the auction tomorrow night.

At least we’ve already sold all the tickets for it so we can be fairly certain of raising a respectable amount.

If I know the Manor Housers, once that competitive streak kicks in there’ll be no stopping them and their filthy lucre will be rolling into our coffers.

Mwah, ha ha ha!

Friday 14
^th
November

Auction of Promises

Actually went to a decent hairdresser’s today because that’s what ‘mummies with money’ do.

Boy, now I know
why
that’s what ‘mummies with money’ do! - she’s taken years off me, as well as quite a few quid, and I don’t look like a Sad-Sack anymore.

Hand has
almost
hovered on the debit card for a bit of Botox - but I know deep down I’ll never actually do it.  I can allow myself some expensive slap now so it will all be down to smoke and mirrors.

Have to admit I looked rather tasty as I set off for our evening of fleecing the Manor House parents.

Then I got a bit worried that Ned might think I looked hot and want a bit of action tonight - cos that is
so
not going to happen.

Saturday 15
^th
November

Our cunning plan seemed to deliver everything it said on the tin.

The monied set couldn’t bear to be outdone and Olivia-the-auctioneer worked them like the pro she used to be.

Admittedly it took quite a lot of white wine to get her into her stride (clearly taught Fenella everything she knows) but, shit, was she
good!

Most ‘lots’ went for way above what we’d expected and, by the time we poured a lubricated Olivia into a cab, we appeared to have exceeded our target.

It was hilarious to watch mummies jabbing daddies in the ribs to outbid other mummies.  We couldn’t have picked a more perfect way of extracting cash from them - all thoughts of where the funds would be allocated were forgotten, it became a pure game of one-upmanship.