The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (24 page)

Hoped my words might be of some comfort to her and make her realise how close she really was.  Instead, my ears were assaulted with the most almighty howl and she stuck her chin down into her chest and turned beetroot red - she looked, for all intents and purposes, as if she were about to explode.

And then, quite miraculously, a new human being slithered into my hands - a tiny, wrinkled gift of life covered in blood and guts and looking far calmer than I felt.

And even more miraculously, I heard the knock on the door signalling the arrival of the ambulance.  I’d taken one look at the umbilical cord and knew what was expected of me but had no idea how to execute it.  Would one of Fenella’s Sabatier knives have been up for the job?  Or her lovely silver grape scissors?  I really didn’t have a clue and I figured there was no time to Google it.

After I’d answered the door, Fenella turned into a mild-mannered lady of the manor.  “Hi guys, sorry to have to call you out when you’ve got lots of emergencies on your hands.  But I think we’ve done quite well really, haven’t we Lib?”

We?
 
I’d
done nothing apart from being privy to the most beautiful sight ever.  I’d actually been there to catch an emerging life and I think, at that point, I was feeling shakier than Fenella.  She even asked me to make tea for the paramedics, as if we were on some kind of jolly -
earl grey or builders?  Milk, two sugars?

One of the guys looked at me and sat me down suggesting a stiff brandy.  “Your first time was it?”  I nodded, no longer able to construct a sentence.

Once they’d done all their checks and delivered the placenta - I’d have
totally
forgotten about
that
and wouldn’t even have thought to Google it
-
they left us with Fenella glowing in bed with her slumbering babe looking like a ‘Hello’ magazine photo shoot.  She had a girl by the way, and the most beautiful baby I’ve ever delivered.  OK, my
first
but she is SO gorgeous and I’m totally smitten.

While Fenella looked like a beauty queen, I looked like seven shades of Dog and Dot shit but I felt happier than I’d done in months.  I’d helped my friend’s new baby into this world and felt a shift in my own life.  I’ll never forget my lost baby but I realised the time to move on had finally come.

Things are going to be just fine.  I
know
they are.

Thursday 5
^th
March

It must have been quite surreal for Josh to receive a call from me at his office and then come home to find that their baby was here and it was all over.

He certainly looked a bit shell-shocked when he joined me in the kitchen after spending time with Fenella and their new baby Darcy.

“I don’t know how to thank you Libby,” he said as he popped the cork from a bottle of quickly diminishing supply of Cristal.  “What would we have done if you hadn’t been here?”

Told him not to think like that.  I
had
been there and that was all that mattered.

The cork was barely from the bottle when Fenella appeared in the kitchen in her silk dressing gown and baby on her shoulder.  “Don’t even
contemplate
touching that fizz until I get madam here settled in her crib and you’ve poured me a large one!  I’ve got months to make up for
and
I did all the hard work.”

Only Fenella!

A very peculiar evening was spent, with me cooking supper for Fenella, Josh and the kids, sipping champers and chatting to Fenella as she lounged on the sofa in her kitchen.

Josh put in a call to Ned to see if he wanted to join us but, naturally, he refused under the circumstances.

As I cleared away and began to make my way up to bed, Fenella beckoned me to the sofa.

“Sweedie, thanks so much for everything.  Soz for calling you a useless bitch - I’m always vile when I give birth.  When I had Todd, I called Josh the C word several times so I think you got off quite lightly.”

Kissed her goodnight and told her all was forgiven.

Left the room to her calling out, “… and you’d better not tell
anyone
my ‘lady garden’ was in need of a trim!  I was sodding well booked in for a wax tomorrow and now there’s no point in going!”

Friday 6
^th
March

Really feel I need to get back home now that the baby is here - it’s not easy for anyone and I don’t want to push our friendship to the limit and outstay my welcome.

Contemplated ringing Ned several times but chickened out at the last minute each time.

Was just about to bite the bullet and make the call when I heard my mobile and read ‘Home’ on the caller display.

Ned was frantic and could barely get his words out quickly enough.  “Lib, you need to come home.  We’ve lost Dog, and Max is beside himself.”

Saturday 7
^th
March

Bloody men!  You leave them alone for five minutes and they go and lose a dog.  I suppose I should be grateful that it wasn’t Max he lost but
really …!

Josh took me back home where we found distraught husband, son, Dot and Stripe.  The house was in chaos and its occupants started vying for my attention all at the same time.

I hugged Max whilst stroking the two dogs, who were obviously delighted to see me but still wondering where their real mum was.

While doing this I tried to establish what exactly had happened and to what extent they’d gone to try to find him.

Ned said he was just putting the rubbish out and Dog had made a run for it.  “
You
know he’s never done that before, Lib.  He’s really been off his food the last few days.  I think he might have been pining for you.”

Bit my tongue to stop myself from saying, “Oh that’s right, lay
all
the blame at
my
door!”

He went on to say that he’d called all the local vets and the police station and no stray dogs had been picked up.

“What if he gets run over, Mummy?  He doesn’t know to be careful crossing the roads like we do, does he?” Max asked, starting on a whole new bout of tears.

Decided to call Skunk and Silver and get out there looking for him.  Josh said he’d take Max, Dot and Stripe back home with him so that we could cover more ground and Todd, Charlotte and Darcy would take Max’s mind off things.

“I’ll call you as soon as we find him, Max.  I promise,” I told my boy.

I’ve never made a promise to my son before and not kept it - I just prayed that I could deliver on
this
one.

Sunday 8
^th
March

Well what a weekend
that
was!

We roamed the streets until nearly midnight on Friday, scouring as much of the local area as we could.  We had several false alarms when we had the shit scared out of us by foxes and, with every new corner we turned, my heart was sinking further into my boots.

What if we
never
found him?  That was the only thought going through my mind.  How would we ever be able to tell Max?

Skunk told us to go home and get some sleep and that he and Silver would continue through the night but I really didn’t want to do that - I
had
 to find him.

We’d left Mrs S back at our place in case he decided to return but we’d had no call from her to say that he had.

Just as I thought my heart would break with the worry of him being out in the cold all night, I heard my mobile.  ‘Fenella’ flashed onto the screen.

Feeling terribly guilty that we’d probably kept them all from their beds, I answered hurriedly, “I’m so sorry Fenella, we’ll come and get Max and the dogs now.  Let you all get some sleep.”

“No, Mummy, it’s me.”  I heard Max’s little voice.  “Dog’s here!  He came here to find me.  It was just like when he decided to live with us.  We found him scratching at the door just a minute ago!”

Felt faint with relief.

Maybe he
had
been pining for me and he knew instinctively where I was staying from the times that we’d taken him to visit his other offspring.  Who knows but the main thing was that he was safe.

Fenella came on the phone then and said that they were all going off to bed and that Max and the dogs were more than welcome to stay the night.  “Might give you and Ned a bit of much needed time to talk, eh Lib?  And Dog’s so knackered he’s curled up snoring already.”

Returned home with Skunk and Silver and had stiff brandies to warm ourselves up and celebrate.  Mrs S was snoring on the sofa (would have been totally useless if Dog
had
returned - but what can you do?) and when we woke her she declined a night-cap as she’d already had four Babychams and needed her beauty sleep.  “I am very much happy that Dog has returned to the fold.  Now I am thinking that you
too
should be doing so Libbybeta.”

Obviously nothing gets past Mrs S.

And she shuffled off, leaving Skunk and Silver looking confused.

Monday 9
^th
March

Ned and I stayed up most of the night talking after Skunk and Silver left.

Ned had so many questions and I felt I owed him the answers to all of them.

I could see, feel and almost touch his hurt - I’d betrayed his trust and that was clear.  If I could turn back time, believe me, I would.  I honestly don’t know what came over me.  I have, and have always had, the most perfect marriage and I almost blew it.

We settled with our brandies and I took Ned’s hand - at least he was allowing me to do
that
again, so I knew we were taking steps in the right direction.

I started really slowly, hoping that I said the right things and that everything made sense in my head.  This was bigger than an Oscar acceptance speech.  I had to make sure that every word counted and that I got the right message across.

My marriage depended on this and I knew it.

“Ned … I am so,
so
sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you.  It’s unforgivable but I hope, if you love me as much as I love you, you
will
forgive.  To say that I don’t know what came over me is pathetic but I think I always knew that I wouldn’t let it go too far.  What we have is too precious to mess with, we
both
know that.  I just think losing our baby played with my mind a bit and that’s the way I dealt with it - it wasn’t big or clever and, when I think of what I could have lost, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. 
Please
say we’ll get through this.”

Ned rubbed my hand and looked at me.  “Don’t talk to
me
about being sick to the stomach, Lib.  I’ve been through hell these last few days.  If anyone had
ever
told me that my marriage would struggle, I’d have laughed in their face.  But the fact of the matter is, I can’t begin to imagine what you went through when you lost our baby but it hurt
me
too, you know.  It hurt me because I saw your pain while I was feeling my
own
and it hurt me because I couldn’t get in to help you - all you ever did was push me away until, I guess, I got to the point where I stopped trying.  So maybe some of this
was
my fault.”

Tried to tell him that I didn’t agree with that but he carried on, “Lib, you know I love you and Max with all my heart.  I’ll do anything to get us back on track but I need to know that it’s most definitely over with ‘Mr Bollock-Chops’ and that it
really
didn’t go any further than you said. 
Please.  
You owe me that much.”

I looked at the sad shadow of my gorgeous husband sitting at our kitchen table and began to cry all the tears I’d been holding in for so long.  I couldn’t believe the pain I’d caused to the man I love most in the world.  I just wanted to roll back time and be the old Libby and Ned we used to be.  I knew we’d get there but I didn’t want our battle scars to continue the journey with us.

This will now sound really corny, but we made up in the most romantic way possible.  We went to bed and for the first time in almost six months we made love.

And, you know what?  It felt perfect.  There were no ghosts or doubts - just
us
reconnecting and doing what we should have done a very long time ago.

Shit a brick, I’ve been stupid!

Tuesday 10
^th
March.

All in all, it’s been an odd few days but they’ve been the happiest we’ve known since last summer.

Ned’s taken some extra time off work and it’s been great just taking Max off to school and spending time together talking and (sometimes) going back home to bed!

I’d actually forgotten how good we were at it and I think we’re both making up for lost time.

But the thing that’s been the absolute best (OK an orgasm or two is lovely but there is
more
to life!) has been actually talking properly to one another - about what we want and what we don’t.