The Date (Single Wide Female in Love #1) (2 page)

“Well, with Blue it honestly won’t matter to me what he looks like. As long as he is the person that I’ve gotten to know over the past few months, I will be overjoyed to meet him.”
 

“You can’t know that until you meet him.”
 

“Okay, fine, but I’m going to meet him, so that won’t be an issue anymore.”
 

Max set down his fork and looked across the table at me. “I just want you to be happy, Sammy.”
 

“I’m working on it.” I laughed. “I am happy. I’ve made so many changes in my life. My body is changing, but that’s not even the best part. My self-confidence is growing. I’m getting to know who I truly am. I thought I could go on just like this and be satisfied. But the more I grow, the more certain I am that I want to share my life with one special person. I just want the chance to experience that true passion. Sitting and waiting on the sidelines hasn’t worked so far. It’s time for me to go out there and grab it.”
 

Max grinned. “I guess that’s one way to make sure you get it.”
 

“Well, to tell you the truth, there are no guarantees. I might end up alone in the end. But at least I will know that I tried.”
 

“There’s one thing I can promise you.” Max looked into my eyes.
 

“What’s that?”
 

“You’re never going to be alone.”
 

My mind filled with thoughts of Max and me walking down the beach at sunset, Max and me cooing over baby clothes, Max and me traveling to new places together.
 

No!
I cleared my throat. “You’re right, Max. No, I’ll never be alone.” I smiled at him.

Chapter 3

Max dropped me off at my apartment after dinner. I didn’t even look in his direction. Just when I thought my feelings for Max were purely friendship he had to go and be amazing. My determination not to lust for him faded in the warmth of his eyes. So I didn’t look.

I walked up to my door, stepped inside, and closed it behind me. I might have imagined Max chasing after me and begging me for a kiss. But only for a moment.
 

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. That just made me dizzy and still longing for a kiss.
 

Since I
 
couldn’t seem to get romance off my mind, I decided to put it into my writing.

In my new book, romance was brewing. I sat down in front of the computer and began fiddling with what I’d already written. I focused on how I felt when I thought about Blue, Max, or even another potential mate. I did my best to integrate my emotions into the character. In many ways she reflected my own personality. It was cathartic to slip into her world and explore without consequences in my own world. I settled into the story and began typing away.

An hour slipped by. I had to get up and stretch. As I walked around my apartment I thought about love. I really thought about it. Love as a reality, not just an idea. I always thought of love as something in the distance, something in my future. I never really considered what it would be like to have it in my own life.
 

“Wow, here I am trying to write about love, but I have no idea what it is.”
 

I thought about watching some romance movies or even reading some romance. But that was all fiction. It was all imaginary. The plot line was set before the actors took the stage. It was predictable and took no one by surprise. I needed to see real love. Not what made blockbuster hits, but the kind of everyday love that made marriages span decades.

It was still fairly early in the evening, so I decided to go for a walk. Maybe if I saw love in action, I would get a better idea of what it actually was. Plus, I would get my exercise in for the day.
 

As I walked, I people-watched. I noticed a young couple cuddled up at the bus stop. Their arms were intertwined. Their eyes were glued on one another. It was silly, sappy love that made me smile. But would it last? Anyone could be fascinating for the first few weeks. What then?

I caught sight of a couple in their later years struggling to get through the door of a shop. The woman had a cane to deal with and the man was carrying all of the bags. As he tried to get out the door, she grabbed for his arm to keep her balance. He dropped a bag and leaned down to get it. She stumbled forward. He was there to catch her.
 

“Be careful, Frederick!”
 

“I’m sorry. Maybe if we didn’t have to buy all of these things I wouldn’t have dropped the bag.”
 

“Oh, I’m sorry if eating is a problem.”

“Eating isn’t the problem, but we are only two people—why all of the groceries?”
 

“Really, Frederick, not this again.”
 

“I mean it. I’d be happy with peanut butter sandwiches.”
 

“I’m sure your sugar levels would be perfect after that.” She rolled her eyes.

I thought for a moment that I was about to witness the crumbling of romance. A moment later though, Frederick had her elbow gently grasped in his palm.
 

“Are you okay? Did you get hurt?”
 

“No, I’m fine. Here, I’m sure I can take a bag or two.”
 

“Not a chance, my love. I’ve got it.”
 

As the two walked down the sidewalk, I smiled just as much as I had when I’d noticed the young couple. Maybe that was the point. Maybe love wasn’t just one thing, or one way. Maybe it changed and grew just as much as we all did. If that was the case, it could look different to everyone. It was probably experienced differently by everyone.

I wasn’t going to find an example of the love I would have, because it didn’t exist yet. That was both empowering and a little scary. What if I never had it? What if there was no version of love for me? The thought hurt.

I was sure of one thing, I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. If it meant that I really had to get out of my comfort zone and put myself out there, then that was what I would have to do. I was ready to change my life, but was life ready to change for me?

As I walked back toward my apartment, I noticed a man standing outside one of the shops. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and gazed at the passing traffic. He didn’t seem to be going anywhere or waiting for anyone. He was just standing there. The sight made me a little uneasy. Didn’t he have things to do? How could he just waste time standing and staring?
 

As I drew closer to him I noticed that he was humming a melody. It sounded sweet. Enchanted, I slowed and then stopped beside him. It took him a moment to even realize that I was there.
 

“Oh, excuse me, am I in your way?”
 

“No, I’m sorry. I was just listening to that melody you’re humming. It’s lovely.”
 

“Oh yes.” He laughed. “I forget that I’m doing that sometimes. It’s a special tune for me.”
 

“Can I ask why?” I didn’t question strangers often but his demeanor left me intrigued.
 

“It was the song at my wedding.” He rocked back on his heels and looked back at the traffic. “I like to hum it when I’m remembering.”
 

“Remembering?”
 

“Oh, you know—the better times. Sometimes I just take a few minutes out of my day and remember. It makes hard times a lot easier.”
 

I didn’t need to ask why times were so much harder. There was no wedding ring on his finger. Somehow the marriage he once valued had ended. Yet he could still use the memory of it as comfort to get through the day.
 

“Thanks for sharing with me.”
 

“No problem.” He returned to his memories.

I continued down the sidewalk. That was a kind of love too—the kind that lasted forever, even if one partner wasn’t there to share in it anymore. I didn’t want to just date someone, I wanted them to want to remember me for the rest of their lives. I wanted to be the good thing in their hard times. I wanted them to be the same for me.

It would be tough to find, I was sure, but I was up for the challenge.

Chapter 4

When I returned to my apartment I sat down at my computer again. Instead of trying to write more, I opened my e-mail. The last note I received from Blue was another vague promise that we would get together. That wasn’t enough for me. Not anymore. I sent him a reply.

Blue, we need to talk.
 

I stared at the screen. I waited for what in my mind was about two minutes and in reality was more like ten seconds. Then I typed another message.
 

Hello?
 

Are you there?
 

I normally have a policy that I will not send repeated e-mails or texts. I might have had a brief encounter with text addiction that landed me under my covers at three in the morning staring at the screen of my phone waiting for a text. However, today I didn’t mind sending multiple e-mails. I wanted his attention. I demanded it.

I was about to hunt down a meme about respect and what it means to me, when Blue sent back an e-mail.
 

What’s wrong?
 

I scrunched up my nose. What’s wrong?

I want to talk.
 

His response came back right away.

We are talking.

I rolled my eyes and tried not to take my frustration out on the keyboard.
 

I want to talk on the phone. How is it that we are planning to meet and I still don’t even have your phone number? I want to hear your voice. I want to know that you are actually there.
 

I realized that quite possibly I wasn’t making a lot of sense. I stared at the screen.

Several minutes went by before Blue finally e-mailed me back.

I’d been patient, as I expected that he was writing a very lengthy response that would account for the delay.

Instead I read a very short note.
 

I have a sore throat. Not up for talking. I’m sorry.
 

That was it. That was the final straw. I did not e-mail him back.

Yet again, he’d refused to give me any of his contact information. I felt foolish for asking in the first place. I was so upset that I was ready to shut down my e-mail account.

Then the guilt began to pile on top of me. Maybe he really wasn’t feeling well. Maybe I was being cruel to him when he needed compassion. That’s when it hit me. All of the canceled dates, all of the avoided phone calls, were changing me. They were turning me into someone I didn’t want to be anymore.

I walked back over to my computer and sat down again. There was another e-mail from Blue.
 

Samantha,
 

Are you upset? I thought you wanted to talk? Just tell me what’s going on. We can figure it out.
 

Blue
 

I began to type without even thinking about what to say first.
 

Dear Matthew,
 

I’m confused. You tell me that you want to meet me, that you have feelings for me and that I should trust you. Then you show me that you want nothing to do with me by ignoring my requests for phone calls, failing to show up for our dates, and making vague promises.

I think I’ve made it clear that I want you to be part of my life—my real life, not just my virtual life.

I can no longer be patient. I have waited long enough. If you truly want to be with me, then you will find a way to meet me. This is the last time I’m going to ask. I value you, Blue, and what we have together, but I have to value myself too.

You know how hard I’ve worked at making progress. I have no interest in going backward. I want to go forward. If you want to go forward with me, then we need to take the next step and meet.
 

Samantha
 

I stared at the e-mail. Should I send it? Had I said too much? Was I overreacting?

I decided to delete it. But when I went to click the delete button, I clicked send instead. An instant later the e-mail had gone out. My stomach twisted.

What would he think when he read it? Would he say that I was asking for too much? Would he just ignore it and never contact me again?
 

I stood up and began to pace back and forth. The anxiety that rattled my mind made me want to hunt down whoever invented e-mail and smack them. Why, oh why did I send that e-mail?
 

To my surprise I received an e-mail back within minutes. I sat down and braced myself for what it might say.
 

Samantha,
 

It breaks my heart that you think I don’t value you, but I understand why you do. I’m sorry that I’ve been so neglectful. There is really no excuse for it. You tell me when and where. I will be there. No matter what.
 

Blue
 

It was short but to the point. I hoped that he meant it.

Now the pressure was on. I had to pick the place and time. If I gave him the benefit of the doubt in believing that he was sick, he would need a few days to recover. I decided to plan it for the following Saturday. It would give him plenty of time to feel better.
 

Blue,
 

Saturday night. La Villa. 7.
 

Samantha
 

I sent the e-mail before I could change my mind. Then I waited for the excuse.
 

Samantha,
 

I will be there. I won’t disappoint you again.
 

Blue

Chapter 5

After I read Blue’s response, I felt my whole body buzzing with excitement. Maybe it would finally happen. Maybe!

I jumped up out of my chair and began dancing around the living room. It didn’t matter to me that no music played. I didn’t need to hear it to dance to my own rhythm. As I was spinning and dancing I thought about what my life would be like with Blue in it. Maybe we would spend every minute we could together. Maybe we would curl up inside each other’s arms and never pull apart. My heart still raced as I gave up on dancing and plopped down on the couch. I flipped on the television to help settle my mind.