The Day Before (10 page)

take me there

Henry tells the
expanding crowd
the band is taking a break
and will be back in ten.

Cade disappears
for a minute,
then comes back
with a guitar.

When he takes the stage,
I can feel him taking
my soul
right along
with him.

He looks over at me.

“This one’s for you.”

“Blue sky,
sun on skin.
Open road,
take it in.

It’s this feeling I get
that I can’t seem to find
except when I let
all the worries unwind
when you’re there by my side.
When you won’t let me hide.

Let’s go for a ride.

Hand in hand,
feelings sincere.
All we need
we’ll find right here.”

His voice, smooth as
water, washes over me.
And I am there,
on that road, the sun
warm on my skin,
and a feeling
of happy anticipation
fills me.

And when it’s over,
tears fill my eyes
because it’s not
the road that I’m on.

And I want it to be.

God, how I want it to be.

One month ago

Dear Amber,

We are starting to get things ready for your arrival.

We’re converting the guest room into your bedroom. We’ll provide the basics for now, and once you get here, I’ll take you shopping so you can decorate any way you’d like.

Allen insisted you have a bookcase so you can fill it with books. When we met you in the attorney’s office, you said you liked to read, and Allen remembered that. If you have some specific titles you’d like him to get for you, please drop him a note. He’d be more than happy to have them waiting for you.

We’re both getting so excited to have you here! Can’t believe, after all this time, you’ll be joining us soon.

Is there anything you’d like me to know about food preferences, allergies, etc. before you arrive? Otherwise, we’ll figure it all out when you get here.

Love,
Jeanie and Allen

me and you

When Cade rejoins me,
he sees that I’ve gone
from elation to devastation
in the strum of a chord,
and I can tell it hurts him.

“It’s not you,” I tell him
as he pulls me into a corner.
“You were great.
You are great.
Too great, really.”

He wipes away a tear
so gently
it’s like an invitation
for more to fall.

But I close my eyes
and force them back
because he doesn’t need that.

And then,
in the moment
of wishing away tears
and wanting to live
in his song,
his lips touch mine.

It’s a soft kiss at first,
tender like he is,
and then stronger
as we pull
each other closer,
wanting to push
everything else away
except

this.

the feeling’s mutual

My emotions
are on a
bungee chord.
Plummeting
one minute and
rebounding the next.

When he pulls away,
he whispers, “Better?”

I smile.
“Much.”

“Let’s get out of here.”

He takes my hand
and holds it
like he owns it.

And as we leave,
I realize for the
first time
in a long time
I’m not secretly scared
by someone wanting
to be with me,
but instead
so very grateful
for it.

so much goodness

Outside,
the night has
gotten colder,
but I embrace it
like an old friend.

It feels good.

Suddenly
everything
feels

good.

We walk to the
grocery store
on the corner.

“Did you see that movie?” I ask.
“Although, the book was better.”

From his face,
I can tell
he has no clue.
It’s not really obvious.
So I tell him.
“Nick and Norah.
The night in New York City?
It feels a little like that.
Except not as cool.”

“Yeah,” he says
as we head for the
school supply section.
“I’m not cool.
Not like you, drummer girl.”

“You are too cool.”
I pause. “Castle boy.”

He laughs.

“Sounds like a bad boy band.
Introducing the Castle Boys!”

I grab
a small container
of glitter.

Because this day,
this wonderful,
beautiful,
glorious day,
just wouldn’t be complete
without a little,
or a lot, of

a dream come true

Our next stop
is a part of town
I’m not familiar with.

Cade parks on a street,
near the beach,
in front of a row
of small houses,
and while I admire
the hazy moon,
he gathers everything
we need from the
trunk of his car.

Apparently that
consists of a blanket,
a flashlight, a bottle of water,
and a hat, which he hands to me.

His concern for
my well-being
makes my heart
pound out a rockin’ solo
inside my chest.

We walk down to the beach,
and he lays out the blanket
near a hole in the sand
that contains a log
with glowing embers.

I’m thinking about
me and him
and a fire
and a blanket.
And then I’m yelling,
“Wait!”
because maybe
I’m a tiny bit nervous
about me and him
and a fire
and a blanket.

He jumps back.

“Sorry.
I thought maybe we could
throw the glitter first.”

“Okay, then.
Let’s do it.”

I take the bottle
of glitter and pour
some in my hand
and some in his.

“Should we do something first?” I ask.

“Yes. Close our mouths.”

“No, I mean, make a wish or something?”

“Okay.
Out loud or to ourselves?”

“To ourselves.”

So, quietly, we wish,
and when I think it’s been
sufficient wishing time,
I say, “Ready. Set.
No—stop, it’s too dark.
I have to get the flashlight.”

I hold the flashlight
above my head and shine
it on him like a spotlight.
“You first, Cade.
Ready, set, go!”

His hand flies up
and sparkles rain down on him.
He spins around,
pretending to be a ballerina
dancing in the glitter,
and it makes me laugh.

“My turn.”

He takes the flashlight
and places me in
the spotlight this time.
I toss the glitter
and hold my hands out,
trying to catch some
like a child tries to catch
snowflakes.

For a moment
the air is pretty,
sparkly,
and full of wonder.

But in a breath,
it’s over.
He flicks off the light,
leaving us in darkness.

“Was it as thrilling as you thought?”

“It was over too soon,” I whisper.

He cups my face
with both hands,
leans in,
eyes lingering a
sweet second
before his lips
are there on mine,
teasing,
playing,
tasting,
kissing.

When he pulls away,
I’m breathless.

He nuzzles my ear.
“Now that’s thrilling.”

You got that right.

kissing

Lips on lips,
feel the heat.
Silky soft,
honey sweet.

Stay right here,
feed me more.
Lips on lips,
like never before.

wrap me up

I shiver.

He pulls away.
“Are you cold?” he asks.

“A little.
Plus … you know.”

“What?”

“Um … your kisses?”

He laughs,
pulls me down
onto the blanket
and wraps his arms
and legs around me.

Perfect.
My kind of blanket.

burning bright

After a while
Cade tells me
he’ll be right back.

I’m now
officially freezing,
so I wrap the blanket
around me.

He returns,
carrying twigs
and branches.

Bending down,
he blows on
the embers,
making them glow
brighter until
eventually
tiny flames dance.

I watch, amazed,
as he uses small twigs
at first, causing the flames
to reach higher and higher.
As the fire grows,
so does the size
of the firewood he uses.

I think back
to Passages of the Deep,
how we envied
the confidence
we saw there.

I feel it here.

Have we really changed
that much in twelve hours?

Cade sits down.
Kisses me again.
And I know we have.

don’t you know?

“What’d you wish for, angel?” he asks.

Angel?
Is that my heart
f l u t t e r i n g
inside my chest?

“If I tell you, it won’t come true.”

“If you tell me, maybe I can make sure it does.”

I look at him.
He makes me so
happy.

Like playing my
favorite songs
in front of a
million people

happy.

So I tell him.

“I wished I could stay here with you.”

smoke and mirrors

He doesn’t answer.

The fire crackles and pops,
filling in the silence.

Smoke blows toward us.

“Smoke follows beauty,” he says.

“Well, that wouldn’t be me.
You and your song, though.
That’s beautiful.”

“You liked it?”

I kiss him.
“Yeah. I liked it.”

“Amber?”

Oh, God.
The way he says it.
It’s like bad news is coming.
Don’t say it.
Don’t tell me I can’t stay.

Don’t be like them,
thinking you know
what’s best for me.
Please.
Don’t be like them.

“What?”

“You are beautiful.”

let chance decide

The fire
and Cade’s arms
keep me warm.

I love the warmth.

“Think your family is worried?” he asks.
“It’s getting late.”

“I was supposed to stay at a hotel.”

“Change of plans?” he asks,
trying to sound casual when
we both know it’s not
a casual question at all.

“You could say that.”

“Good. I want you here.”

Silence settles around us.

But then I push it away,
wanting him to know
there’s more to my wish
than what I told him.

“Cade, I don’t want to go.
I mean, at all.
Heads, I stay.
Tails, I go?”

I surrender

It’s true.

My wish for
one day
has turned into
a wish
for many days

like this one.

For months
my life has been
one giant game
of tug-of-war.
I’m tired of the
pulling.
I need to let go,
to breathe, to remember
what life is about.
And it’s about days

like this one.

Is it really so wrong
to want to start over,
to build a life
where every day
I wake up
and have a beautiful day

like this one?