The Day Before (8 page)

Nine months ago

Dear Jeanie and Allen,

Okay, you want to hear from me?

Here you go.

I can’t believe you are doing this to me. I can’t believe you actually think this is what’s best for me—to know you and to share my life with you.

You aren’t my parents! My parents have raised me and loved me for the past fifteen years, the way you raised and loved your daughter, Charlotte.

I’m sorry she died. I’m sorry! But why am I being punished for that? Why is my whole family being punished?

If you care even a little bit about me, you will drop this. You will let it go—let me go, to live the life I want to live.

Please. I’m begging you.

Let me go.

And leave me alone.

Amber

unexpected

But he doesn’t leave.

He walks down the beach.
I realize his shoes are by my bag,
so he can’t just leave.

I want to help him.

But maybe helping is doing
what we’ve been doing all day.
Hanging out.
Having fun.
Forgetting everything,
except what’s in the moment.

I kick myself.

I should have kissed him
or asked for the penny
or thought of a movie with sushi in it.
Anything besides asking that question.
Anything.

I stop and decide
to give him some time
to get over it.

Please let him get over it.

We’re friends now.
How could I not ask?
I had to ask.
And hopefully he’ll realize that.

As I head back to
where our stuff is,
I hear my name
floating on the breeze
in the distance.

I turn and see her
running toward me.
Madison.

three’s a crowd

After hugs and hellos,
she loops her arm
in mine, and as we walk,
she tells me
about combing each
and every beach in Newport,
until she finally texted me
to get my location.

Her own treasure hunt.

Although, what kind of treasure am I?

“You didn’t have to come,” I say.
“I’m fine.”

“No, cat, you are not fine.
“You came to the beach by yourself!
That is not fine!
That is freaky!”

“Except, I’m not by myself.
Not anymore.”

She doesn’t get it.

I turn and point to Cade.

Her eyebrows creep up
along with the corners
of her mouth.
“So, what other secrets are you hiding?”

She pulls me down
on the sand
where we sit side by side,
passing questions and answers
back and forth like we’re on
a TV game show.

We’re so engrossed,
we don’t notice him
until his shadow falls over us.

“Cade,” I say,
“this is my best friend, Madison.”

“Hey, cat,” Madison says.
“Thanks for taking care of my girl.”

“Cat?” he asks.
“It’s actually Cade.
Rhymes with ‘wade’?”

I laugh.
“No, see, instead of ‘dawg’?
It’s ‘cat’—her thang.”

He crosses his arms and
tries to give her a smile.
“Yeah, well, since you’re here,
looks like my job is done.”

Panic rises up in me
like a seagull taking flight.

Madison is quick
to come to my rescue.

“I’m not staying.
Just needed to make sure she’s okay.
And she is, so I’m outta here.”

“I have something I need to do,” he says.
“Why don’t you go eat?”
He looks at me.
“I’ll meet up with you later.”

There’s a look in his eye
that tells me I shouldn’t argue.
I want to.
But I don’t. We exchange numbers,
and before he goes, I say,
“Heads, you call me.
Tails, you call me.”

His eyes are
little pools of sadness.
“I can’t promise.”

Without thinking,
I reach out and hug him.
I squeeze tighter than he does.
Because I don’t want him to go.

I kiss his cheek.
“Call me,” I whisper.

And then I let him go.

sugar and spies

We get in Madison’s Kia,
and before I can even
get the words out,
she’s reading my mind
like a best friend should.

“We’re following him, right?” she asks.

I reach into my bag.
Jelly beans for dinner.

“Right as raspberry.”

I’m lucky

When we got the news
about the court’s decision,
Madison was right there,
making me brownies,
trying to cheer me up.

People always say
chocolate makes
everything
better.

I say friends make everything better.

Six months ago

Dear Amber,

We have stopped writing for the past three months, as you requested. But obviously, we couldn’t, and didn’t, drop the case. And we are terribly sorry you are upset. It hurts us, but we understand.

We realize you are a very smart young woman, but the fact of the matter is, you’re still a child and we’re sure you can’t quite grasp the concept of what this all means, now or for the future.

Again, as we’ve said all along, we are family. It’s only right that we know each other, rely on each other, and love each other.

We are thinking about you now that the verdict has come down from the judge. We are happy knowing that soon you’ll come here to share your life with us. You have so many people here who are anxious to meet you—grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins! It’s going to be wonderful, just wait and see.

Your parents have asked us to give you some time to come to terms with the court’s decision. They seem to think this will be better for you in the long run. So we are granting them the first turn of shared custody. They will get their six months, and then we will get ours. We look forward to seeing you in March!

Much love,
Jeanie and Allen

extraordinary

“He’s cute,” Madison says
as she gnaws on what’s left
of her thumbnail.

“I know.
He’s cool, too.
He writes songs
and he loves movies—”

Then I stop because
I don’t need to give
my best friend
a Cade commercial.

If I’m sold,
she’s sold.

“How’d you meet?”

“We were both in awe of the jellyfish,” I say.
Like it’s the most ordinary way
to meet someone.

Nothing ordinary about it.
Nothing ordinary about this day.

Mostly, nothing ordinary about Cade.

Some friendly insight

He goes into
a fishing supply store.

We sit across the street.
Watching.
Waiting.

Madison throws
question after question at me,
and I shoot back
short answers,
too distracted to say
anything more.

I am focused
on the front door.

“Wow, this is bad,” she says.

I whip around to look at her.
“What? What’s bad?”

“You’ve fallen for him, cat.”

“What?” I laugh.
“He’s my friend.
I mean, we only met eight hours ago.”

“I’ve known you a long time, A.
I’ve never seen you like this.”

I turn back to the window.
Watching.
Waiting.
Wrestling

with the idea that my best friend is right.

me and him

So, I care.

I care about his love of the beach.
I love it too.

I care about his songwriting.
I want to know more.

I care about the boy
who watched the sharks
and wished for confidence like that.
I understand.

I care about the fact
that’s he’s hurting,
even if I don’t know why.
I want to help him.

That’s why I’m here,
wanting to know what he’s doing.

He’s like me.
I want to know more.
I understand.
I want to help him.

And I care. A lot.

dark thoughts

Cade cradles
a black ball
in both hands
and carries it
to his car.

The way he walks,
the way he holds it,
I know it’s heavy.

Like a cannonball.

But Cade’s not a pirate
so it can’t be a cannonball.

Can it?

He carries one.
A staff person
follows with another.

Why?
Why are they carrying
heavy round weights
to his car?

Have you seen that movie?

Master and Commander?

Hollom grabs a cannonball
and jumps into the ocean.
He’s so distraught,
he doesn’t want to live anymore.

I know.

Oh my God, I know.

our day

Jellies and sea stars,
sharks and rays.

A day of wonder,
of magic, no fright.

Warm sun on skin,
sweet taffy on tongues.

A day of exchanges,
of finding delight.

Ghost in the lighthouse,
tunes in the car.

A day of adventure,
of seeking the light.

Castle on sand,
kite on a string.

A day of discovery,
of reaching new heights.

A day
that must not,
cannot,
end in any kind
of terrible
way.

Six months ago

Dear Mom,

Remember when I was like ten years old and I wrote you all kinds of notes after I learned about sex because I was too afraid to ask you the questions to your face?

Now I’m afraid to admit—I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this.

How do I leave everything I know, everything I love, everything I am, to go and live with them?

It’s like a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me, what do I do?

Love you,
Amber

caught

Madison and I
don’t exchange words.

She knows I’m scared
as I eat my fill of
strawberry,
lemon,
popcorn, and
cotton candy
jelly beans.
She drives,
staying close
but keeping her distance,
so he won’t notice
and try to lose us.

We follow him to the marina,
where fishing boats bob
to the smooth jazz
of the sea.

She grabs a parking spot
and I tell her to stay there,
sounding much stronger
than I feel.

He hauls one of the
lead weights onto a dock.
I follow him,
the smell of fish
rising up to greet me.

Before I know it,
he’s stepped onto a boat.

Indecision grips me.

Do I go to him?
Do I hang back and watch?
He might be pissed
I followed him.
And yet
I don’t want
the unthinkable
to happen either.

In the act of
weighing my options,
precious seconds tick by,
and I don’t have to choose
because he chooses for me.

He’s there,
off the boat
and back on the dock,
looking at me.

“Are you serious?”

“Cade, I was worried.”

“I said I’d call you.”
I flinch as the sharp
words come at me.

“I know, but—”

“Amber, I have to tell you,
I don’t like stalkers.
I mean, this is not cool.”

I swallow and nod.

“Stay here,” he orders.

The sun is setting
in the distance.
I wish we were on
the beach,
watching,
playing,
laughing
like we were before.

I close my eyes and wish.
Please remember how we were before.

He comes back
carrying the other weight
he’d left in the car.

He takes a deep breath,
looks at the boat for a second,
then looks back at me.

This time,
his words are softer.
“All right.
Follow me.”