The Diary of Ma Yan (11 page)

“For multiple-choice questions, just choose one answer. There's no point checking two or more answers. Some students often do this. I hope you won't make these same mistakes next time around. For calculations, use the shortest method. To do an analysis, you must read the question carefully and think….”

When he's finished with these explanations, he asks the students to give him the results of each exam, as well as the total, since he needs to fill out a form.

At the end of the day, I have a total of 299 points. I come in second. Someone who is repeating the year comes in first. Tears of joy pour from my eyes. The teacher congratulates me and says everyone should take me as a model.

But the more he talks, the sadder I become, because Mother has had to go far off to work. Everything the teacher said today will stay etched on my mind. If I follow his advice, I think I'll be able to overcome my difficulties.

Next time I will try to come in first.

Tuesday, November 6
A dull day

During class today the politics teacher compliments me once more. He admits that up until now he had paid no attention to me, noticing neither my qualities nor my faults.

“In her midterm exams, comrade Ma Yan has shown lots of potential—potential I hadn't suspected she had. I judged her wrongly. I have already told her what I think of her work. If you
don't believe me, ask her. You should know that a comrade of ours wrote in a composition, ‘When we hadn't done well on a test, the teacher insulted us, complaining that he had taught a class of idiots and all in vain.' This same girl went on to say, ‘Teacher, you shouldn't underestimate us: failure is the mother of success.' This is both a piece of advice she offers to your teacher and the expression of her own feelings. This girl is in our class.”

Ma Yan in class

Everyone is staring at me. It's true, I wrote those words. If I did well in these exams, it's largely because of what this teacher said. If he hadn't called us idiots, I would certainly not have gone on to get the results I did.

Wednesday, November 7
A fine day

I'm so hungry, I could eat anything. Anything at all.

When I talk about hunger, I instantly think of my mother. I don't know if she's gotten home safely. Me, I'm happy enough coming to school every day and being hungry. But Mother has to run up mountain slopes every day. And I don't know how she's faring. On top of it all, she's ill.

It's three weeks since I've seen her. I think of her all the time.

I'm terribly hungry. There's been no bread or vegetables since Tuesday. When I eat my rice now, there's nothing to go with it.

I even took some food from a comrade's bowl without asking her. When she came back to the dormitory, she called me all kinds of names.

What can I say to her? When I hear her sounding off, I think of my father, who left my brother and me four yuan. We've been living on that for three weeks, and I still have one left over in my pocket. My stomach is all twisted up with hunger, but I don't want to spend that yuan on anything so frivolous as food. Because it's money my parents earned with their sweat and blood.

I have to study well so that I won't ever again be tortured by hunger and lack of money. When I have a job, I'll guarantee some happy times for my parents. I'll never let them go far away to work for us again.

Thursday, November 8
A fine day

It's market day. In the English class I'm sitting next to the window. Suddenly I see a shadow from the corner of my eyes. I lift my head. I see Mother behind the window. I'm staggered. It's been so long since I've seen her. Even through the window I can see that her face is all black and swollen.

The class comes to an end without my noticing. In any case, I've taken nothing in. It's not important. I'll ask the teacher what I've missed at the next lesson. First I have to find Mother.

Father and Mother are waiting for me in the street. I'm so happy! It's so long since we've all been together. Father, Mother, my brother, and me. We walk down the street, all together. We talk about all kinds of things and forget about our stomachs. Suddenly Mother taps her forehead. “But you two, you haven't eaten yet?”

We shake our heads.

She takes us to the market. She buys us vegetable soup for fifty fen and we also get bread to dunk in the bowl.

After we've eaten, we go off to buy winter clothes. With good padded clothes, we won't be cold. We each get a jacket and shoes and socks. In no time at all we've spent over a hundred yuan. What a pity! I feel both happy and sad. Money is so hard to earn and so easy to spend. You don't even notice it going.

I don't know how Mother and Father have earned these hundred yuan, how many days it took, how many tens of hours, hundreds of minutes, thousands and thousands of seconds. And I
spent all this hard-earned wealth as if it were nothing at all.

When I grow up, what won't I do for my parents!

Friday, November 9
A nice day

Tomorrow we go home, and I'm so happy.

Tonight during the study hour there was a blackout. All the comrades were thrilled. They were happy not to have electricity to see by: a whole hour in which to have fun.

But I'm happy just to go home, to sit down with my mother and talk things over.

Several weeks have passed since we were all together at home. This time when we get there, I'm going to ask my parents how they spent every single day, and especially how Mother's health is. I think her pains started again when she was up in the mountains.

Sunday, November 11
A fine day

This morning at about five o'clock, Mother got up to prepare our food, worried that we would be hungry. Then she woke us. We got dressed, washed, and sat down to breakfast.

While I ate, I noticed that my mother's eyes, face, feet, and hands were all swollen. I asked her what was wrong, and she said, “Nothing, nothing. Maybe I got up too quickly….”

I know that's not the reason. Her attacks are bad again.

I ask her if the swelling is caused by her illness.

“What illness?” She stares at me. “I must have woken you up too early. You're still all mixed up. Eat. Quickly…”

A vehicle pulls up, and my mother makes it an excuse to put an end to my questions. I know she's running away from them, just so that I don't worry about her.

I will study well. Otherwise I won't deserve Mother's hardworking hands that have prepared our breakfast this morning.

Monday, November 12
A fine day

What I really want is to go home, straightaway, without waiting for the weekend. I want to see Mother's face and her hands again. Because I know that she's going away to work again. Far away…I don't want her to go away, but I don't know how to prevent it.

Last week when we got home, Mother wanted to see my report card. I showed her my test results. After she had looked at them, she smiled.

“I haven't spent all this money for nothing,” she concluded. “You haven't disappointed my expectations in the least.”

She looked at my brother's results too and she exploded. “How can you possibly think you deserve the bread you take away with you every week? How do you think I managed to get through the exhaustion of the mountains? My hope in you, that's how. And now look at the results! How can I help but be disappointed. And sad.”

When I think of my mother, I really want to go home. I feel
like asking for permission to leave. But even if I go home, I fear I may already have missed her. She's probably left already to harvest
fa cai
. I can only wish her good health. Because if her illness starts again, there's no one there to look after her. This time Father isn't going with her. He's staying at home to take care of the house and the fields.

How I hope that her attacks don't start again. She only had a two-or three-day break at home before setting off again to try and earn some more money. How I love it when we're all together as a family, eating and talking. I really want to have a warm and happy family! But the heavens don't seem to want it, and they force me to live in melancholy and pain.

But the unhappiest person of all is Mother. All year long she has to leave home to work far away. That's where her illness came from. From going off to earn money to support the three of us children. And my brother hasn't brought honors home from school. So of course she's sad.

I have to carry on working hard so that I don't disappoint her. The biggest wishes in my life are that she gets better and that our family is at last together for good.

If ever I succeed in life, my success will equally be Mother's. I'll always remember her.

Why am I always so unhappy; why do my tears never dry? Tell me why? Will I only succeed when I have no tears left? And if they don't dry up, is that a sign that I won't ever succeed?

I must persist on this difficult path.

Tuesday, November 13
A fine day

I don't know where Mother spent last night, whether she slept on the damp ground or on a rocky promontory at the edge of a road. I'm only certain of one thing. I know she didn't sleep well. The temperature has gone right down to below zero. On top of that, there are her stomach problems.

I know how hard it is to pick
fa cai
. I did it once with my father. It was still summer. At one in the morning, the tractor we were on ran out of fuel. We had to get off and sleep in a field on the bare ground. In no time at all, I was covered with dust. It crawled up my nostrils. I breathed it. I couldn't get to sleep. I sat up and counted the stars in the sky.

I thought of a story we'd once had to read called “The Child Who Counts the Stars.” Once upon a time there was a boy who leaned against his grandmother at night and counted the stars. His grandmother told him the stars were beyond number, uncountable. But the boy answered that, provided he believed he could, he would somehow manage to count them.

I didn't really understand his point when I first read the story.

That night in the open air, when I saw so many stars, I really wanted more than anything else to lean against Mother and count them. But I understood that it was impossible to count the stars. It was the first time I think I realized how vast the natural world is.

It was also the first time in my life that I had traveled so far. I already missed home. I felt so pitifully small…and so very sad.

I must above all work hard in order to succeed, so that Mother can at last have an easier life, can at last get rid of her pain and exhaustion. I hope that my wish comes true quickly and that Mother soon has a happier life.

Thursday, November 15
A fine day

This morning during gym we do a new kind of exercise: we go off to run in the streets instead of staying in the school yard.

Our class trails another class. We run as fast as we can to catch up with them and get ahead. By the time we do, I'm covered in sweat. The locals come out of their houses to watch us.

It's really great being a student. The only problem is that our parents suffer, especially my mother. If we don't work well, when our classroom is full of sunshine and our school full of joy, how will we ever be worth all the efforts our parents make on our behalf?

For the children of rich families, one day more or less makes no difference at all. For me, the child of a poor family, every day brings new trials with it. Not in terms of studying, because there I'm at the top of the class, but because of the kind of life we lead.

So I have to study hard without slacking in order not to suffer from hunger in the future.

Of course, the most important thing of all is my mother. I don't want her going so far away to work anymore. Our family will be happy, united. We'll have no more problems.

Friday, November 16
A fine day

I haven't seen our politics teacher for several days. I'd like to see him very much, look at his face and hear his voice. His presence and his words always make me very happy. Somehow he offers consolation, relieving my sufferings and my problems. That's why I so want to see him come into the room. He has the ability to comfort anyone who is worried or unhappy.