The Diary of Ma Yan (9 page)

I'm full of admiration for her. She thinks clearly. Surely she'll study well and have a good career.

Friday, September 14
A gray day

This morning after classes I went to get a bowl of rice. My comrade, Ma Yongmei, went to get water. When we had finished the rice, I put my hand into the very back of the wooden bread box that I keep on my bed, but the bread had all gone long ago. I'm still hungry, because between the two of us, we've only had a half pound of rice.

You're probably going to say, half a pound for two, isn't that enough? But a half pound only fills a small bowl. We shared it. Each of us was only allowed half. If you think that fills us up…On top of it, we've run out of rolls.

I watch the others who are eating watermelon, my mouth watering in spite of myself. I've had a cold for a few days and I feel quite sick. I sit dumbly on the edge of my bed. A comrade sees my state and gives me a pill. I feel better after that. That medicine is more precious to me than treasure. This girl is called Bai Jing, and her image is now engraved on my soul. She's someone one can take as a model.

Saturday, September 15
A gray day

Today is the beginning of the weekend. My brother and I walk along the endless path. From the road we can see fields full of melons. We're very hungry. My brother goes off into the fields to steal a little onion, a few turnips, and we eat them on our way. I know that stealing is wrong and that students shouldn't do such things. But what are we to do? If we don't steal from the fields, we probably won't make it home.

I walk slowly. My legs hurt a lot. I think I'm the unhappiest girl in the whole world.

I think of my mother again. I don't know how she is. She gets up at five thirty in the morning and works till seven in the evening. Every day she and the other women who have gone to pick
fa cai
walk with their eyes on the ground, their backs bent to the sky. How many mountains has she scaled this way?

Sunday, September 16
A little rain

Today I have to go back to school. Father has got our things ready for us and given us enough money to get a tractor ride to Yuwang. We climb up on the back wagon. A little farther on, the granddaughter of our third paternal great-uncle
*
joins us. My second uncle then climbs up onto the tractor. He puts his niece on his lap, and fearing that she may get cold, he wraps a bag over
her legs. She's already thirteen. Doesn't she know how to take care of herself?

I see them laugh. I also see my little brother shivering from cold. I give him my hat. On this rainy morning, my anger reaches the boiling point.

My paternal grandfather was adopted. He's not really close to these people, who look down on him. My mother won't tolerate any contempt for our generation. She wants us to become people of substance. The trouble my parents take on our account is enormous. When I see the looks these people give us, I think of my grandfather. It's for him that we need to study, so that people look up to us for the rest of our lives.

The long, empty road between school and home

Monday, September 17
Rain

Last night, during the study hour, we had an English test. I found it easy. In less than half an hour I'd finished. The teacher in charge asked us to give him our papers when we had finished. He lectured me, “At that speed, how can you possibly have done well?”

I gave him my paper nonetheless.

But this morning the comrades are all abuzz. They're all saying, “Ma Yan may work well, but she didn't come in first!”

As I listen to them, I'm ashamed. My parents have done so much for me, and this is the way I repay them.

Then I reminded myself that there are more exams to come, at midterm and at the end of term. By then I'll have made great progress. I'll work really hard, with no slacking. I just hope my wishes come true.

Tuesday, September 18
Rain

When our last class is over, our English teacher asks us to stay for another twenty minutes to copy out words. After that we go to get our food, but there's nothing left. There are a few teachers in the canteen too, so I deliberately protest in a loud voice.

“Our stomachs are crying out with hunger. We've run here as quickly as we could, and there's nothing left. We pupils, we dream of nothing but these bowls of rice from morning until evening. How do you expect us to make it through the day? If there were some bread at least…But there's no bread. And on top of it all, it's a rainy day! Our spirits grow weaker and weaker,
especially on empty stomachs.”

The teachers say nothing. How I want to go home and eat my fill. I'll come back to school only when my stomach's full.

Then I remind myself that to study well, you probably have to put up with some suffering.

Thursday, September 20
A gray day

At noon I came back from the canteen with some rice. I put the bowl on the bed. Ma Yongmei divided the rice in two and took her share.

Before I can start on my bowl, my little brother Ma Yichao arrives. He asks, “Sister, have you still got tickets for the canteen? I want to buy some rice.”

I borrow a ticket and give it to him.

Then he asks me if I've eaten.

“Yes, I have.”

But he guesses that it isn't true.

“You haven't eaten. Your lips are dry. The lips of people who have eaten are moist.”

A little while later he comes back and returns the canteen ticket. He says there's no more rice. He goes off again.

How can I help him? I have no money, no bread. I don't know what to do…. Yet I'm his older sister and if I have no sense of responsibility, what am I good for? I cry. I tell myself it's not all my fault that our family's financial situation is so dire.

It's impossible to describe the sensation of HUNGER.

Sunday, September 30
A bright day

This afternoon we come back from the grain fields and I'm so hungry, I think I can see smoke coming out of my stomach. As soon as Mother arrives, she goes to the kitchen to prepare food. I ask my father for a yuan so that I can buy an English notebook. One of my cousins, the son of my fourth uncle, comes to visit. He tells me that my mother has lent my fourth-grade books to other children in the elementary school. I ask her if this is true, and she says yes.

I'm angry because those books are still useful to me. How could she have given them away so easily? I want to be able to study. There are questions I still don't understand.

For some time now, when the teacher is lecturing, I haven't been seeing clearly. He'll say for example that this is an even number and this is an odd number, but I can't clearly distinguish what he's writing on the blackboard. Nor can I hear properly. I have to pay close attention to what the teachers and pupils are saying. When you're nearsighted, it's hard to follow the work. If you don't see properly, you can only count on your ears. And when your ears are also bad, then…

Mother grumbles at me. “You work so hard, but what have you managed to achieve? Not even the girls' school. What's the point of carrying on? It would be better if you gave it up and came home.”

Her criticisms are never-ending. I can't sum them up in a single line. I store up what she says inside myself. I know I'll never forget it.

It's not only her fault. It's mine too. I've disappointed my mother.

My whole family resents me. I feel horribly alone. I think about school life. Keeping up with work is so hard when you can't see. So I think of giving up and coming home. But if this is how my family treats me…I no longer know what path to take. Who'll show me a good and generous road?

Tuesday, October 2
*
A fine day

When we finish our homework this afternoon, my brother and I go off to our grandmother's, where our father is working for our fifth uncle. As soon as we get there, we help our father move a pile of earth. But when we want to go home again, he asks us to stay a little longer.

Our grandfather starts to tell stories about his youth, dating from his time in the army.

There was one soldier who always wet his bed at night. The head of the squad beat him daily on account of this, but he couldn't seem to rid himself of his bad habit. The other soldiers wanted to stop the beatings, but they couldn't convince their chief. He just wouldn't listen. Worst of all, he tied the feet of the poor youth and hit him so much that he wept. At the end of it all, the soldier was sent home.

Our grandfather confesses that he loathed the head of their squad. But he doesn't tell us anything of his own plight or bitterness. I think he was a great soldier. He won battles and he founded our family, which is a large one. I'm proud of him.

Grandfather, I want to note it here, how very much I admire you, what a great and brave man I think you are. Throughout the world, from now on, it'll be recognized that you are one of the seeds of our army.

Wednesday, October 3
A fine day

This afternoon my brother Ma Yichao and I did the housework. Then we went to my fifth uncle's, where my father has been working the last few days in order to earn some money. We helped him as best we could.

When I looked at the clock, it was already five. I called my brother because we needed to go back and do our homework.

My fifth uncle's youngest son clung to our legs and whimpered. He wanted to come with us and see his mother. But I knew she wasn't there. She'd gone far away to harvest
fa cai
. His father wasn't there either, and his two elder brothers had gone to stay with their maternal grandmother. I lifted him up in my arms, and he started crying for real.

Seeing his tears, I was reminded of our childhood. When our parents weren't at home, we were pitiable creatures. I carried him to our house and asked myself why, when a child cries or is alone, he always shouts for Mother. Why doesn't he ask for Father?

Friday, October 5
A gray day

Market day today. Mother comes home from my maternal grandmother's. I go out to welcome her on the front porch. My mother's face is as black as coal, and her lips are all cracked. She looks terrible. What's wrong with her? Usually when she comes back from her mother's, she's happy, full of chat and laughter. But today…

Mother comes into the room and pours out all her resentments to us. “When someone's poor, it's no good going back to your parents' family. Your grandfather loves me, yet since I left home, he's turned his back on me. He didn't ask me a single question, not even why I had come, or if it was cold on the way. He didn't say a single word.

“I'm really furious. I'm not going to go and see them anymore. Listen to me, all three of you. Study well in order not to grow up like your father, who has suffered the contempt of everyone around him all his life long. Forget the mocking laughter of your maternal grandfather. You'll have to be successful and show him how wrong he's been about everything.”

Saturday, October 6
A gray day

This afternoon I got bored. I called a few children over to play with me. We drew a round circle on the ground in the yard and ran about inside it. Suddenly my paternal grandfather arrived. He had come to eat watermelon. He had a little smile on his face, and I accompanied him into the room and asked him to sit on the
kang
. I placed the low table on the
kang
and cut him a piece of watermelon and another of sweet melon. I handed the slices to him.

Crouched beside him, I watched him. He talked to me while he ate. He's already eighty and he doesn't have much time left. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he could live to be a hundred? By then, even if I haven't got a brilliant career, I'll certainly have some kind of job. And I'll be able to offer him a few last good days.

Monday, October 8
A fine day

The sixth lesson of the day is devoted to a daily class meeting. Here's what our main teacher, the one who teaches Chinese, taught us.

The first thing to respect, he told us, is school discipline. The second is our daily ten minutes of morning exercise. Thirdly, our studies: “Those who have greater difficulty than others must start their work earlier and keep to a rigorous schedule, so that they know exactly when it's time to study math and so on. Never think you're behind the others; just get on with it. You can always make progress by studying well.”