The Douchebag Bible (18 page)

separate definitions of the word, all of which fell staggeringly

short of encapsulating the word as it is most commonly used. It

became obvious that if I wanted a definition to the word honor,

I’d have to figure it out myself.

I started by Googling the word by itself and seeing what

came up. Wikipedia’s entry was meaningless, other than some

interesting etymological notes.

What caught my eye were pages pertaining to the Medal of

Honor, which is the absolute highest decoration offered by the US

6 Halfwits of all shapes and sizes informed me that I was an honorless mongrel and

that they thought far less of me than they had previously. Why they imagined I

would care what anonymous slanderers on the internet thought of me as a person,

I cannot say.

military. It is given to a soldier if he (or she, I suppose)

distinguished himself
"…conspicuously by gallantry and

intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty

while engaged in an action against an enemy of the United

States."

Let’s dissect that, shall we?

In other words, the military defines honor as risking your

life to kill people in service to them. Not just risking your life

though—because all soldiers do that. You have to pretty much

walk into certain death (when it’s not even necessary or expected

of you) to get awarded a Medal of Honor.

As I went further and further down the list I discovered

samurai codes of honor, honor killings and other specific

examples of honor—but mostly I waded through the endless

litany of fluff surrounding the word. After about an hour of

research and a number of days spent in contemplation, I drew

this conclusion: honor is nothing more than strict adherence to a

completely arbitrary code of conduct.

The more strictly you follow the code, the more honor you

have. The more staunchly you interpret the code, the more honor

you have. Honor and obedience are remarkably interchangeable

concepts. Allow me to demonstrate:

She has dishonored our faith by not entering into an arranged

marriage.

Sheila has disobeyed our faith by not entering into an arranged

marriage.

Lieutenant Gilroy behaved dishonorably when he gave our

position to the enemy.

Lieutenant Gilroy behaved disobediently when he gave our

position to the enemy.

The fact that I would not paint myself green to fulfill my end of

a bet shows that I have no honor.

The fact that I would not paint myself green to fulfill my end of

a bet shows that I have no obedience (to the system of betting

and bet fulfillment).

Once one comes to the understanding that honor is nothing more

than adherence to a particular code of conduct, one is less

inclined to lament its absence in one’s self. I have never fancied

myself an obedient person and I have little in the way of tolerance

for those who do. I adhere to no code of honor because to do so

would be to dishonor myself.

Many will make the argument that strict adherence to

certain social codes are a necessity to facilitate a stable society.

These people are the unwisest of souls—those who have not yet

realized that we must be bound together by our common ideas,

not
made common
by the act of binding ourselves to the ideas

imposed upon us by a given overlord. In other words, we must

unite around our goals, not expect our goals to unite us.

The concept of honor, as I have adequately defined it, is

inarguably a detriment to the end goal of getting humans to

acknowledge existent harmony rather than strive for artificial

harmony through the coerced recognition of codes of conduct

that expand well beyond what any given individual would

acknowledge as necessary. Honor has long been a tool to keep

those who benefit from obedience (namely, those who are obeyed)

in control.

We are essentially beings who, in our boundless capacity

for delusion, stitch random events, emotions and sensations

together into a tapestry called “identity.” We reinforce our

narrative by comparing it to the equally flawed narratives of our

fellow human beings. Those who reinforce our narratives are

friends. Those who contradict our narratives are enemies. Thus,

the currency of other people’s opinions is vital to our sense of

cohesion. This is why loners are often incomprehensible; It’s

because without the steady influence and reinforcement of the

tribe, their narratives topple in on themselves or becomes

muddled and idiosyncratic. Those in power—CEO’s, Senators,

Celebrities, Journalists—are all what I’d like to term “super-

reinforcers.” Super-reinforcers are those who have enough

influence to propagate a particular narrative over a larger sphere

of human beings than typical reinforcers.

For example, your friend who agrees with you that your

girlfriend is a skank because she cheated on you is a reinforcer,

because he is supporting your narrative. If you watch a TV show

where a girl who cheats on her boyfriend under similar

circumstances as those in your life then everyone involved in that

TV show is a super-reinforcer because they not only reinforced

your notion that your girlfriend is a skank, but they’re likely

reinforcing the narratives of thousands of people who are or have

been or will be in your situation. It is natural to feel affection

towards those who reinforce your ideas about yourself.