The Douchebag Bible (20 page)

the human race is, even in the eyes of a misanthropist like me, a

good thing. If we assume that those 49% of Americans in 2001

hadn’t had their babies because they were smart people who were

able to plan ahead and realize they couldn’t afford kids, then half

of the 7-year-olds annoying the piss out of you today wouldn’t be

alive. That sounds good on the surface, but consider this: if half

the people alive didn’t exist, there are only half as many chances

of some asshole hitting the genetic lottery and becoming the next

Richard Dawkins, Salvador Dali or Steven Spielberg.

Now before you make the argument that those 49% of

11 http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/psrh/full/3809006.pdf

babies that were unplanned are the offspring of people too dumb

to take even the slightest precautions against pregnancy (and, we

can extrapolate, STDs) and are therefore almost certainly idiots

themselves whose children are likely to be as dumb as their

parents, I’d remind you of three important facts.

1. It is perfectly possible for intelligent people to fall

victim to the powerful force of IGT, especially in the

area of sex, where powerful chemical impulses can

overcome our better judgment like a hurricane can

overcome flimsy lawn furniture. We can prove this by

looking at the number of exceptional geniuses

throughout history who have contracted sexually

transmitted diseases. Even in recent times, where

condoms are readily available to all, a number of

famous authors, playwrights, film and literary critics

contracted the AIDS virus12.

2. It is perfectly possible for two unintelligent people to

produce intelligent offspring. Neither my mother nor

my father had blue eyes, but both my brother and I do.

The reason for this is because we both received a

recessive gene from each parent to “give” us blue eyes.

12
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_HIV-positive_people

One could make the argument that because these men (and a few women) mostly

contracted the disease before it was well known that their lack of caution was

somewhat understandable. I counter by pointing out that there were still a large

number of known STDs at the time that most of these (typically gay) men

contracted the disease, so my point that sexual urges can overcome the good sense

of even learned and intelligent people still holds water.

Intelligence is a lot more complex a trait then eye color,

but the principle is the same. Genes that are dormant

in two stupid people could become active in the

offspring of said people and result in a child smarter

than the dumb asses that spawned it.

3. Stupid people serve a number of vital functions in our

society. They cook our burgers, lay our brick and keep

comedians like Adam Sandler and Larry The Cable Guy

successful. No one with an IQ west of 110 is going to

want to work the register at
Taco Bell
, yet plenty of

MENSA members are still going to need Double-

Decker Taco Supremes and Cinnamon Twists—so let’s

all agree that idiots in this country, though unpleasant

company, pull their weight.

IGT keeps us cranking out kids, ensuring that we have a stable

population even in this age of easy contraception. If the

overpopulation fears of alarmist liberals are anything to worry

about, then I’ll point out that IGT also keeps us dying at a healthy

rate from preventable things like STDs, heart-disease and lung

cancer. IGT may well be the sole stabilizing force of our

population! It keeps us breeding and it keeps us dying.

Another advantage of IGT keeping us from living too long

is that far less of us survive into senility than medical science,

combined with reasonable health awareness, ought to rightfully

allow us to do. This spares us from the worst years of our lives.

Just recently my great grandma, who has survived to the

miserable old age of 96, told my gay13 uncle that she doubted that

my aunt’s daughter was really my aunt’s. Why? Because my aunt

is such a slut that she probably cheated on her husband. In my

grandma’s senile and faltering old brain that doesn’t just call the

paternity of my cousin into question, but her maternity as well! I

hate to spout a tough guy cliché, but if I’m ever that old and stupid,

please shoot me.

Thankfully, my proclivity for donuts and cheese and

processed meats to the disregard of my health will likely send me

to an early grave like my father before me. Thanks to IGT, I will

likely die with my wits intact and my family will be able to

remember me as a mean-spirited old fucker who hated everyone

and was damned hilarious.

You may be saying at this point, “Okay, perhaps there is

something of an argument to be made for benefits of personal IGT,

but on a societal level, it’s all bad news!” I will grant you that IGT

creates problems like global warming and peak oil, but if not for

our reckless use of oil and petroleum based products, we’d likely

not be as far along in our research of alternative energy because

our frugality in the face of a crisis would have had us managing

our oil better and using it longer. If it weren’t for the global

warming problem we’d not have poured nearly as much many

into climate science, which has lead us to a number of auxiliary

revelations about how our whole ecosystem works. Scientific

13 His sexuality isn’t really pertinent here, but it’s how I personally identify him. If I

just said “my uncle,” that would be sufficient for you, but it would not ring right

to my ears.