The Douchebag Bible (75 page)

8. WHY I AM NOT A LIBERTARIAN

Libertarian thought seeks to maximize freedom by

limiting or eliminating authority. Now, something

you should know about me: I have a diagnosed

pathological aversion to authority. I despise cops,

teachers, preachers and politicians. I do not like

being told what to do. That said—I am a student of

human nature and I’ve seen that human beings need

authority. They need it, and will give it readily to

whomever is willing to take it. Don’t believe me?

Then fill up a room with smoke.

If a person is alone in a room and that room

begins to fill with smoke, they immediately react.

They leave the room. If a group of people are in a

room that begins to fill with smoke, they are far

slower to react. Why? Because they are looking to

one another for leadership. They're looking to see

what everyone else does before they act. If one

person reacts, all others follow. In other words: if

you put human beings in a group, they will seek out

a leader.

This is not a terrible burden to the human

animal. Our success as a species is owed, pretty

much entirely, to our ingenuously complex social

structure. Without cooperation there are no bridges,

no skyscrapers, no smart phones, no modern

marvels. There’s just a cluster of humans—or

solitary humans, perhaps—living out short lives

scavenging for fruit and dreading every winter when

the plants begin to die.

The problem I have with Libertarian thought is

this: they believe that market forces can bring us the

material miracles of the 21st century. They believe

that the freer the market, the more humankind will

prosper. The less the government is involved, the

more we will all be happy campers. What most of

them don’t realize is just how unnecessary and

recent the “middle class” that most of them belong

to is. Corporations don’t really need happy, healthy

American workers. They can ship jobs overseas.

They can hire illegal immigrants. They can pay

people less than a human being could live off of.

They could create a country with a small upper class

and a huge lower class. And there are only two things

stopping them: regulations and their consumer base.

However, what do they care if they sell one Xbox for

$2,000 to a fellow rich person or twenty Xboxes to

poor people for $100 a piece? It all amounts to the

same. The wealthy can adapt to exist in any society,

so long as that society recognizes their wealth. They

don't need a middle class—we in the middle class

need a middle class.

Another problem with “free markets” is that

they place all the power into the hands of the

consumer. If we’re ever to have high speed railroads,

it won’t be because of a government mandate—it will

be because someone sees the project as potentially

profitable. This is all well and good until you

consider all the places wherein the profit motive fails

to produce peak results: medicine, the environment

(no one ever got rich cleaning an oil spill), taking

care of the elderly or infirm (no money in that).

Libertarianism, to my mind, is the rich man’s

way of telling us all: wouldn’t life be better if

everyone just paid their own way? And the answer is,

of course, no. It’s much better if we pay some of our

way, because the quality of life we lead now is

actually largely subsidized by tax dollars. When

those tax dollars vanish, life is going to be a lot

harder for people who never even realized just how

much they relied on the government.

Libertarians often make the moral argument

that it's unethical to force people to pay taxes. Force

is a big word among Libertarians, and it’s not a

dishonest one. But let’s look at who’s being forced.

If we nationalize healthcare: taxpayers—

especially those making over $250,000—are being

forced to foot the bill. However, now everyone gets

to choose between state-run healthcare or private

healthcare.

If we nationalize higher education: taxpayers

are being forced to pay more—but now kids from low

income families can afford higher education.

Do you see how a little force goes a long way to

create more opportunities and better choices for

everyone?

Let’s be clear on one point here: people are

dumb and the human race is fucked no matter what

it does. We’ve accomplished some neat things—but

the expiration date probably draweth nigh.

Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I am. I’d hate for

Shakespeare and Einstein to be snuffed out forever.

But here’s the thing: we have a choice. We can be

ruled by the politicians or the money-holders. Right

now, the money-holders pretty much own the

politicians anyway and you see how badly things are

going.

Let’s just stand back for a second and ask

ourselves what a corporation wants from us—two