The Douchebag Bible (67 page)

people are ridiculously exceptional. They are not an

accurate representation of humankind as a whole.

Part of the problem is that our evolution never

really prepared us to handle modern living—we

didn’t develop to interact with faceless masses, but

with the familiar faces of our tribe! And people still

seek out tribes, because they don’t want to feel

isolated in the sea of the unfamiliar.

But part of the strength of a true tribe is that

it’s a group of people working together despite a

variety of opinions. Different perspectives within

the same group leads to a system where everything

is considered from many different angles.

But that doesn’t work when everyone picks

their own tribe. People tend to surround themselves

exclusively with other people who agree with them.

So our modern tribes—from the religious right

to the PC left—have no ideological diversity. They

purposely screen
against
ideological diversity. So,

we've really all become ideological cheerleaders in a

never ending war for purity and supremacy.

Cooperation? Overcoming differences? Ha! That's

so yesterday!

People need to grow up. There are 7 billion of

us. We’re not all going to have good lives. We’re not

all going to get what we want. We’re not all going to

be treated fairly. I think the first step towards the

best possible society is admitting that no society is

going to be anywhere vaguely near perfect. We can’t

write bullies, bigots and bad people out of the script.

And we certainly can't get anywhere worth going if

we only associate with our own ideological clones.

We are just a tragic species! People build

empires because their fathers didn’t love them

enough. People kill prostitutes because they were

too scared to ask girls out in high school. People

shoot themselves in the head because no one

understands them.

Human deeds can, no doubt, be monumental,

encompassing the most vile of malicious deeds as

well as the most selfless acts of charity.

But at the core of almost all human actions,

there is a pathetic motive—usually something to do

with a traumatic failure to connect with another

person at some vital moment of raw need. We are

always avenging our own loneliness. Even with 7

billion companions, we are lonely. Even with

ideologically delineated groups, we feel as thought

no one hears us.

Some ask why I am not an advocate of suicide

if my view of humanity is so bleak. “What reason do

we have not to kill ourselves immediately after we

become aware of life's futility?” I am asked.

Because if there’s anything more futile than

life—it’s death. In life, there is happiness, love,

pleasure, conflict, excitement, terror—does it all boil

down to essentially nothing? Pretty much.

But death
is
nothing. No happiness, love,

pleasure, conflict, excitement, terror—nothing at all.

You can’t even be bored by it, because you will not

exist and will therefore have no perspective or

judgment. You won't even have a you.

Also, why rush to eternal nothingness? Why

not enjoy the minuscule blink of life you’ve got? Why

not fill it with something meaningful to you? If you

want to get married and have kids, do that. If you

want to stick bananas in your butt, do that too.

Personally, I have a woman I love, friends

worth conversing with, sexual realms to explore,

creative endeavors I can’t wait to embark on and

self-changes to enact.

I have things to live for.

Humanity cannibalizes it’s own soul by

working to abuse, oppress and subjugate those who

stand out from the herd. If my happiness was tied to

the human condition, I’d be miserable. But it's not!

I don’t play that game. I focus on myself and my

passions, because that’s the only way to stay sane in

a world full of drones.

In other words, I try to remain detached from

the spectacle of human failure. I don’t always

achieve this detachment, but usually I do. And it's

how I attain personal happiness despite having an

unflattering view of my species. It is my self-

determination that makes me a content person.

Self-determination is the core human right.

Without that, any other rights are essentially just

nifty little fringe benefits of no substance. The

concept of self-ownership means that you can

conduct yourself as you see fit without the

interference of conformity-enforcers who seek to

legislate against your ability to choose for yourself.

To say I own myself is to say that I am a piece of my

own property and that my value is incalculable. To

say that you own yourself is to say the same. If

anyone else tries to steal your ability to self-

determine, whether they are the government or a

private citizen or a company—they are stealing from

you. They are stealing ownership of your self from

yourself. This is the most grievous possible outrage.

The protection of self-ownership is the basis for my

moral code.

For too long, we have allowed our government

jurisdiction over our bodies. This is not, to me, a

women’s issue or a men’s issue—this is an issue of

all human beings. Your government has told you:

• When you’re allowed to have sex.

• What kind of sex you’re allowed to have.

• What drugs you can take and what drugs you

can’t.

• That you can’t kill yourself, even if you’re sick