The Dream Sourcebook: A Guide to the Theory and Interpretation of Dreams (40 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sourcebook: A Guide to the Theory and Interpretation of Dreams
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ers provides a level of empathy and concern that makes deep dreamwork possible. If at any point you feel hesitant to continue working on something in a particular dream, state these feelings, then set the dream aside for a while; the material will always be there when you are ready to continue.
Another benefit of dream sharing is that it helps you to integrate the dream message into your waking life. Senoi dreamwork, you will remember, reportedly involved daily dream-sharing that helped dreamers incorporate their dream life into their waking existence. Negative feelings or images associated with another tribe member were shared and then transformed into something positive. The Senoi were a relatively harmonious people for many generations, and some researchers believe it was because they shared their dreams. In today's world, we too can connect with the members of our human family through social dreamwork. Sharing dream stories helps to bring the symbols of waking-life conflicts, fears, and wishes to the surface, where you can discuss them, receive emotional support, and take actions to address them.
Finally, sharing dreams regularly makes it possible to explore the phenomena of mutual dreams and psychic events, perhaps discovering themes both you and your dream "partner" explored in dreams the night before, perhaps looking for ways in which your dream might have predicted an event or led to a new revelation. Imagine your amazement when you discover that you and a friend have the "same" dream, or a very similar one, on a particular night!
The beauty of dream sharing is that you need not have a firm grasp on the meaning of your dream before you share it. Nor must you understand another person's dream in order to be of help. Just swapping dream stories can lead to new areas of exploration and build friendship and community among fellow
 
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dream sharers. There are several options for those interested in creating a format for sharing dreams. In fact, you may have already startedby sharing your dreams informally, regaling your household members at the breakfast or dinner table with tales from the dreamworld, checking in with a friendly co-worker during a midmorning coffee break, or sharing a dream story with your child on the way to school. Social dreamwork can happen at any time, in any place, with any number of people. It's just a matter of your being willing to share, and someone else's being willing to listen.
Dream Sharing with a Friend
"I had the wildest dream last night . . ." So often, we turn to a friend or co-worker to recount the tale of a dream adventure. Dreams can be entertaining, puzzling, or disturbing, and it's natural to recount them much as we do our waking experiences. Whether shared informally in this way, or presented with a plan for gaining insight into their meaning, dreams are appealing food for thought and discussion. There are special advantages, however, to setting up a regularly scheduled "dreamtime" with a friend, a time in which each of you has the chance to recount dreams and explore their possible meanings in the company of a committed listener; that is, someone who agrees to support you fully and attentively, without interruption (sometimes called an "active listener'').
Co-author Phyllis Koch-Sheras has been doing dreamwork with the same friend for more than seventeen years, meeting every other week for a one-on-one session that has netted some wonderful results. Although she does not have professional expertise in dreamwork, Koch-Sheras's dreamwork partner has similar goals and interest in working on dreams. They developed their own format for working together, which is outlined here:
 
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1. Connection: The partners sit facing each other, and may hold hands as a way of feeling connected or grounded. They divide the time in half, and decide who will go first, generally alternating unless someone has a special need.
2. New and good: Taking turns, they begin each session by stating the new and good things that have occurred since the last time they met. This step helps each person to focus on their present experience, and to find something positive even in the most miserable of weeks, which is good practice for turning disturbing dreams into productive messages.
3. The dream report: Next, the first speaker recounts a dream in the present tense, then in dream language, commenting on the feeling at the end, and giving the dream a title. (Note: It is best to retell the dream, rather than just reading the dream as written in the dream journal, because new details may come out in the retelling.) The person then chooses a dream character or object to role-play, acting it out and then asking it for a message. If the dreamer wishes, he or she might ask the listening partner to ''be" a character to whom the dreamer is speaking in order to create immediacy. The speaker goes on to role-play other parts of the dream and to change or finish the dream if appropriate. The second partner begins his or her turn only after the first partner has completed all steps of the process, managing the amount of time available.
4. Undivided attention: Each partner listens intently to the other without interruption, unless the speaker seems to be ignoring something obvious or is at a loss as to where to go next. At that time, the listener can interject a direction
 
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or suggestion, but remains otherwise silent as the work continues. For example, if the dreamer omits a part of the dream when translating it into dream language, the listener should point out what has been left out and have the speaker go back and include it. (Often people "forget" a dream element that turns out to be an important clue to the meaning of the dream.) The only other interruption would be to signal the speaking partner that time is almost up or the turn is over. (If there isn't enough time to complete the dreamwork, the speaker can negotiate for more time or make an agreement to complete the dreamwork alone at a later time.)
5. Actions to take: Often, a dream will give rise to some change the dreamer wishes to make in waking life. So it is helpful to end each dreamwork session with a commitment to take a certain action before the next meeting. At the beginning of the next session, the results of this action are reported.
6. Looking forward to: Each dreamer takes a moment at the end of his or her turn to focus on positive upcoming events, a final step that helps make the transition from the realm of dreams back into the realm of waking life.
When establishing this kind of partnership, it's a good idea to agree on some basic ground rules, such as where and when to meet (you can alternate locations, but choose a quiet one where you can speak freely without distraction), how often and how long each session will be, what to do if a partner is late (two options: forgo some of your time if you're tardy, or divide the remaining time in half). As you work with your partner, you can adapt this format to your own needs and experiences.
 
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Koch-Sheras's dream partner says she finds several benefits from working with a partner. "One of the great things about working together is I
do
it. I wouldn't work on my dreams anywhere near as frequently if we weren't meeting. The fact that we're both taking the time to sit down, tell our dreams, put them into dream language, and offer each other suggestions is very useful." She also values the self-directed format they have devised. "It's a very unintrusive way of working together," she says. "We can work side by sidewe don't interrupt very often, but when we do it makes the experience more powerful. We are really trying to help the other person, rather than express our own agenda or interpretation."
Social dreamwork has special significance when you are sharing a dream with someone (such as a friend, family member, or co-worker) who appeared as a character in it. Because dreams tend to reflect your feelings about the people in your life, their appearance in your dreams is likely to reveal your true perceptions of them. Discussing them as dream characters will help you to understand how you see them, both favorably and unfavorably. And of course, the part of you that the dream character represents is worthy of discussion, tooconsidering that what you see in them is really a "projection" of part of yourself onto another.
This kind of work can lead to a new level of understanding and sympathy (seeing things from another's perspective). Social dreamwork is a gentle way to explore such issues in a friendly forum. Resolving whatever conflict occurs in a dream between yourself and another dream character helps to clear up conflicts between the two of you in waking life, especially those you had not yet "put a finger on" or acknowledged. (The Senoi were said to apologize to each other for arguments that occurred in their dreams!)
 
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Dream Sharing as a Couple
In many ways, it's easiest to share dreams with the person you wake up next to, and many couples make it a practice to share their dreams each morning. Tuning in to your dreams can enable you and your partner to understand each other better, enhancing intimacy by providing an opportunity, whether occasional or regular, for identifying and talking about your concerns. Recounting your dream adventures is a wonderful way to connect with each other before going your separate ways for the day. In these days of busy schedules and hectic workweeks, dream sharing is a good way to touch base. It can also help couples deal with some of the more difficult areas of relating.
Often, couples get stuck negotiating to get their needs met. Traditional roles and typical patterns in the relationship lead to stalemate, which can be extremely frustrating for both partners. Even when you don't know the answer, your dreams might offer clues and solutions that will really work in your waking life. For instance, a woman engaged to be married was at a loss as to how to share the space and responsibilities of the home she and her fiancé were moving into. Then she had this dream.
"Eight Tennis Balls"
My fiancé is going to be in a contest that involves doing something with eight tennis balls. There are only four balls in the can. I tell him that be doesn't have to worry about the other four balls because I already did those. That will make it easier for us to win.
"The house we bought had eight rooms in it," she explains. "And we were in the midst of figuring out how to divide them up and share the responsibilities for the upkeep of the house fairly. This dream helped me realize we could divide things up equally (both the physical space and the responsibilities) and that I could
 
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feel good about thateven though it was very different from what I had been taught and had done in the past." In sharing this dream with her husband-to-be, this dreamer realized there was a new way to do things, one that served to enhance their relationship. Over the years, they have had to modify how they share responsibilities in their relationship, but the dream still serves to remind them that there are always new ways to work together to keep all the "balls" in the air!
Conflicts of all kinds are an inevitable part of being a couple, and dreams can play a central role in their resolution. The first step in resolving a conflict is to take responsibility for your part of it. Dreamwork offers a perfect opportunity to put a conflict to rest by first "owning" the dream and all aspects of itincluding the character of your partneras part of yourself. If you dream about your partner as being cold, distant, and mechanical, stop to consider the cold, distant, and mechanical parts of yourself, and what role they might be playing (or need to play) in your waking life. Using dream language and sharing the results with your partner, you can begin to express and acknowledge your own part in having things be the way they were.
One man who was having trouble telling his wife how upset he was about several things in their relationship dreamed he divorced her. He mustered up the courage to tell his wife about the dream, using it to open up a discussion of their problems. He explained he was "divorcing himself" from communicating some important thoughts and feelings, and told her how afraid he was that they were drifting apart. With the dream to get them started, this couple found a way to work on the issues in their waking life.
From a sexual standpoint, dreams can be quite revealing, but not always in the ways that you might think. Sharing dreams of sexuality can enhance the physical connection with your partner

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