The End of the Rainbow (26 page)

EPILOGUE

“Nine months ago I found out I was HIV positive. So many things have changed about me. I found some humorous and some not so funny. My transition into who I am today was not an easy one; I was faced with many trials and forced to deal with a lot of things about myself that are still being worked on. HIV is not just a virus like a cold or the flu, it is a life changing disease that if goes untreated can and will kill. It is not a gay disease, nor does it have a specific race that it attacks. It is like a bullet that has no name on it. Since my diagnosis, I have begun a treatment of seven pills a day, three in the afternoon and four at bedtime. I have to get constant checkups and my blood will be taken every three months for viral load and T-cell count. All of this will be done over the course of my lifetime.” He cleared his throat, looked back into the silent crowd and proceeded forth.

“The one positive thing that came out of my diagnosis is that I have totally given my life to God and I know that he has plan for me. I always knew I was special but I never knew how much he wanted my attention until that fateful day many months ago. I am well aware of the fact that the road won’t be easy and I am sure that there are going to be days when I want to quit, but if you knew all that I went through to get to where I am today you would know that turning back is not an option. The places I used to go, I have no desire to visit, and the people I used to hang around are doing their thing without me, but I know that in the end we all have to answer to the same God. And for those of you out there that are wondering, yes I was homosexual, and yes I did get the virus from having sex with a man.” He looked around to see who would get up and leave the church upon hearing that bit of information. As the congregation continued to listen he took another deep breath and continued.“My testimony is not one of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity; but one that is about trusting another with the life and body that God gave you. I was gay, proud, Christian, and in love with the same sex. However, when it comes to the church’s understanding of the homosexual lifestyle, the church must first take the blinders off and realize that all gays are not sexual deviants. The struggle is not with an overt sexual appetite because anyone can have that, but it is one that deals with an intense feeling that you never asked for but just found yourself taking indulgence in.” he heard an Elder behind him say amen and a few other congregants made comments that were positive.

“There is nothing like serving God and though the devil may try and tempt me, I know where I stand. Deliverance doesn’t mean the attacks are going to stop, it just means that you know you are being attacked and you now know what to pray against. God has brought me from a mighty long way and I know I have a long way to go because he is still shedding some things off of me. The process is not simple and you are forced to face some things about yourself that will bring about tears, but as long as you keep on holding on to His hand you will make it through.

So to all of you out there I just want to say hold on, be strong and when the battle gets too tough, know that you are doing the right thing. The enemy only wants those that he knows he can’t get back, so he will try and pull every trick out of his hat to make you think you are crazy for serving God. I would just like to thank Pastor Elliott for allowing me to share my testimony with you and I hope that someone out there realizes that they are not alone in their fight. And whatever your struggle, nothing is too hard for God.” Khalil handed the microphone back to the armor bearer and walked back toward his seat amongst the hundreds of people that were standing in ovation to his testimony.

Vanessa and Lauren were in the congregation beaming with radiant joy and delight at his strength. They both attended the service because Khalil had finally found a church and this was the day that the pastor was going to announce his acceptance into ministry. He had been visiting many churches throughout L.A., but he caught wind of this particular one in Long Beach. The spirit was strong enough to keep him and the men were men, he didn’t have to worry about numbers being passed to him or the ever-present gay organist.

“I still don’t know why he cut all his hair off,” Lauren leaned in and whispered to her mother.

“Shut up girl. I think he looks good with waves. Look at how these girls are staring at him. HIV or not, your brother is prime grade and these sisters look hungry.” Vanessa proudly exclaimed.

After church the three of them went to brunch at Shanghai Red’s in the Marina to celebrate his newfound church home. For the first time in nine months, with the boats gently passing by and the calm breeze setting the atmosphere for a beautiful afternoon, Khalil felt settled and ready to face all that lay ahead waiting for him.

Quite often he thought about how so much changed in his life in just one week, but he held on to the realization that had it not been for that whirlwind experience he may not have found out about his diagnosis until after it was too late. Although there were more issues he knew he had to overcome, he constantly thanked God that so much was behind him.

He looked over the railing next to their table and let out a deep and soothing sigh as he watched the seagulls do their dance atop the waves that divided them from their meal underneath. His thoughts were on the facts that as of last week the apartment he co-owned in Leimert Park finally sold. That sale placed him in excellent position to bid for a home in Ladera Heights. He sold his half of the hair salon to Spencer and will be opening “The Experience, Hair Studio and Day Spa” in Los Angeles. Kerrion and Lea agreed to continue working alongside him and have been strong supporters since his separation.

He glanced over to a nearby table where an attractive couple was enjoying their brunch. He watched how they interacted and began to wonder if he would ever find a woman to love him in spite of his history. Thoughts began to race through his mind about dating, marriage, and children. He grew anxious at the idea because he knew that no black woman would ever get with a man that used to be gay, let alone HIV positive. He also doubted his ability to even make love to a woman since it was something he hadn’t done in over a decade, and even then he didn’t really enjoy it.

His excitement and reason for celebrating was lost; thanks to the table on his left. He tried to refocus back onto the menu and not think about that part of his transformation, but how was he expected to sweep that under the rug? “You know what you want Khalil?” Lauren asked while looking over her menu.

“Yeah, but I can no longer have it.” He regretfully answered as he gave another look at the couple and noticed the gentleman’s beautiful smile.

Dear Tyrin,

Since our last meeting we have all undergone a lot of drastic changes in our lives. I know that you are dealing with your own struggles and I wish you the best in that area. I thought it only fair that I inform you of what has taken place. Caleb passed away from his illness and that has been extremely hard on us all. When you fell through as the donor, his name dropped down on the list. It would have been next to impossible to find a match in time.

I had to write this letter to you so that I could clear my conscience. I have no hatred for you. I actually admire you for stepping up to the plate and being willing to offer a piece of yourself to a child you didn’t even know existed. In the midst of all of the confusion, I was thrown for a loop but I had to relinquish my duties and give every situation to God. I hope and pray that you stay strong in the midst of your health issues. Thank you for caring enough about my family to never question or doubt any of the facts I placed before you.

Sincerely,

Darrion Carson

Tyrin folded up the letter and tried to figure out how he should handle the news. Over the course of the last few months his outlook on life had drastically changed. He looked down at Tosha who was busy watching seagulls scavenge for food, and took a sip of his Sapporo. The weather was perfect for a swim but he wasn’t really in the mood for it. After moments of contemplation, he realized that there was only one person that could liven up his day and take his mind off of the grim news he just received. He called his best friend Spencer and said, “Let’s catch a flight to Vegas, my treat.”