The essential writings of Machiavelli (57 page)

FRIAR:
You do?

LIGURIO:
That woman I spoke with has informed me that the girl miscarried on her own.

FRIAR
[aside]:
Well, great! There goes all that money!

LIGURIO:
What did you say?

FRIAR:
I said that there is now a greater reason for you to make the donation.

LIGURIO:
The donation will still be made—but there is one more thing you need to do to help Messer Nicia.

FRIAR:
What would that be?

LIGURIO:
A minor thing that is much less shameful, much more acceptable to us, and much more useful to you.

FRIAR:
What thing? I feel you and I are kindred spirits, and now such good friends that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.

LIGURIO:
I’ll tell you in confidence what this minor thing is inside the church, while Messer Nicia will wait out here and let me speak on his behalf. [
Loudly to Nicia
] Wait here, we will be back right away!

NICIA
[aside]:
Said the toad to the harrow
⁷

FRIAR:
Let’s go into the church.

SCENE SEVEN

Messer Nicia alone
.

NICIA:
Is it day or night? Am I awake or dreaming? I’m not drunk—I haven’t had a drop all day—but I ought to be drunk if I am to put up with this load of crap. We set out to tell the friar one tale and end up telling him an entirely different one! Then I am supposed to play deaf, though I’d have done well to plug up my ears like Prince Uggieri of Denmark so I wouldn’t hear those crazed things he said for God knows what reason! I’m already twenty-five ducats poorer, and the matter at hand has not even been mentioned yet. And now they make me stand here like a dough puff on a skewer. But I see they’re coming back. There will be hell to pay if they have not discussed my affair.

SCENE EIGHT

Friar Timoteo, Ligurio, and Messer Nicia
.

FRIAR:
Have the ladies come to me. I know exactly what to do. If my authority is worth anything we will set up the union by this evening.

LIGURIO:
Messer Nicia! Friar Timoteo has agreed to everything. We must see to it that the ladies come.

NICIA:
I am a new man! Will it be a boy?

LIGURIO:
It will be a boy.

NICIA:
I am shedding tears of joy.

FRIAR:
You two go into the church while I await the ladies. Stay there so that they do not see you. The instant they are gone I shall tell you what they said.

SCENE NINE

Friar Timoteo alone
.

FRIAR:
I’m not sure who is tricking whom here. That crook Ligurio told me that first tall story only to test the waters: If I hadn’t agreed to his offer, he wouldn’t have confided in me his real designs so as not to reveal them needlessly. Since the first matter he and Nicia disclosed to me was false, they weren’t worried for themselves if I hadn’t played along. Well, I’ve been duped. But it must be said, I have been duped to my advantage. Messer Nicia and Callimaco are rich, and I can get plenty out of them both in different ways. And I need not fear anything, for this is the kind of matter that absolutely must remain secret. It’s as little to their advantage as to mine to spread the word. Be that as it may, I have no qualms. I do fear, however, that as Madonna Lucrezia is upright and good there will be difficulties. Nevertheless it is through her goodness that I will get at her. In the end, all women have little sense—the instant you find a woman who can put two words together, you throw your hands up to Heaven and cry “Hallelujah!” because in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. But here she comes with her mother, who does not have any morals worth mentioning. She’ll be a great help in making Lucrezia follow my lead.

SCENE TEN

Sostrata and Lucrezia
.

SOSTRATA:
You know very well, dear daughter, that I value your honor and well-being more than anyone else in the world, and that I would not advise you to undertake anything that is not proper. I have told you time and time again that if Friar Timoteo tells you that this need not weigh on your conscience, you can go ahead without giving the matter a second thought.

LUCREZIA:
I have always worried that Messer Nicia’s desire to have children would lead us into trouble. That’s why, whenever he brings up a plan, I become concerned and apprehensive—especially after what happened when I went to those friars at Servi. But of all the things we have tried, this seems to me the strangest, to have to submit my body to such shame and then to be the cause of a man’s dying for my disgrace! I think if I were the last woman in the world—if all humanity depended on me for its regeneration—I would not agree to such a scheme!

SOSTRATA:
I’m not the one to discuss such matters with, my daughter. Speak to the friar, see what he says, and then do what he, we, and everyone who loves you advise you to do.

LUCREZIA:
I’m racked by despair!

SCENE ELEVEN

Friar Timoteo, Lucrezia, and Sostrata
.

FRIAR:
Welcome, welcome. I know why you have come—Messer Nicia has already spoken to me. As God is my witness, I have been sitting over my books for a good two hours studying this case, and after much careful scrutiny I have found many particulars that both specifically and generally are in our favor.

LUCREZIA:
Are you speaking the truth, or are you poking fun at me?

FRIAR:
Ah, Madonna Lucrezia! Are these matters of fun? It is not as if you are meeting me now for the first time!

LUCREZIA:
No, it isn’t, Friar. But this seems to me the strangest scheme I have ever heard.

FRIAR:
I believe you, Madonna Lucrezia, but you must stop worrying. There are many things that from a distance strike one as terrible, unbearable, and strange, but the moment one steps closer they turn out to be human, bearable, and familiar. This is why people say that fear of evil is greater than the evil itself, and our case is just one of those.

LUCREZIA:
May God in Heaven will that it is so!

FRIAR:
I would like to return to what I was saying before. When it comes to your conscience, you must take it as a general rule that when there is a good that is certain and an evil that is uncertain, one must never turn one’s back on what is good out of fear of what is evil. Here we have a good that is certain: your becoming pregnant and providing another soul for our Lord God in Heaven. The uncertain evil is that he who will lie with you after you have drunk the potion will die. But then again there have been men who have not died. Yet as there is a certain uncertainty about the matter, it is better that Messer Nicia not run the risk. As for the act itself being sinful, that is pure nonsense, because it is the will that is sinning, not the body. A sinful thing would displease a husband, while in our case you will be pleasing him; a sinful thing would be enjoyable, while you, in our case, will not enjoy this. Furthermore, one must never forget to look at the aim of a matter: Your aim is to occupy a seat in Paradise and to please your husband! The Bible says that the daughters of Lot, believing they were the last women on the earth, lay with their father. As their intention was good, they did not sin.

LUCREZIA:
What are you trying to talk me into?

SOSTRATA:
Let yourself be persuaded, my daughter. Don’t you understand that a woman who has no children has no house? If her husband dies, she ends up like a discarded animal, abandoned by all.

FRIAR:
I swear to you, Madonna Lucrezia, by my monastic heart, that obeying your husband in this matter need not prey more on your conscience than eating meat on a Wednesday, a sin that can be sprinkled away with a little holy water.

LUCREZIA:
What are you telling me to do, Friar?

FRIAR:
I am telling you to do something for which you will always have reason to thank God. And you will see how happy you’ll be a year from now.

SOSTRATA:
She will do as you say, Friar. I’ll put her to bed myself tonight. [
To Lucrezia]
What are you frightened of, you silly goose? I can think of at least fifty women in this town who’d throw up their hands in thankfulness to the Lord.

LUCREZIA:
I will do as you say, but I do not believe I shall live through the night.

FRIAR:
Have no fear, my child. I shall pray to the Lord on your behalf, and will direct a prayer to the Archangel Raphael himself that he may stand by your side. Go with my blessing and prepare yourself for this evening’s rite.

SOSTRATA:
Peace be with you, Friar.

LUCREZIA:
May God intercede, and our Holy Virgin too, so that I do not come to harm.

SCENE TWELVE

Friar Timoteo, Ligurio, and Messer Nicia
.

FRIAR:
Ah, Ligurio, come here.

LIGURIO:
How did things go?

FRIAR:
They went well. Lucrezia and her mother returned home prepared to do as we say. We won’t run into any difficulties, because her mother will stay with her—she’ll put her to bed herself.

NICIA:
Can this be true?

FRIAR:
Well, well! So you are cured of your deafness?

LIGURIO:
Saint Clement has wrought a miracle!

FRIAR:
Yes, and you’d do well to purchase a grand votive offering for the church so we can spread the word about this miracle.

NICIA:
Let us stick to the matter at hand. Is my wife going to create any problems about what I’m asking her to do?

FRIAR:
I tell you she won’t.

NICIA:
I am the happiest man on earth!

FRIAR:
I believe you. You’ll get yourself a baby boy for which many men would gladly give their eyeteeth.

LIGURIO:
Off to your prayers, Friar, and if we need anything else, we’ll come look for you. Messer Nicia, go to your wife’s side and make sure her mind does not waver, and I shall go find Doctor Callimaco to see that he sends you the potion. But be sure we meet at six so we can see to everything that has to be done by nine.

NICIA:
Good idea! Good-bye.

FRIAR:
Go with God.

7.
Machiavelli explains this curious saying in his letter of October 1525 to Francesco Guicciardini: “A peasant was harrowing the earth one day when a toad, not used to such a great commotion, craned its neck in wonderment to see what was happening. Suddenly the harrow reached it and grazed its back […], at which point the toad said to the harrow: ‘Don’t bother coming back!’ This gave rise to the adage ‘Said the toad to the harrow’ when one doesn’t want someone to return.”

A
CT
IV

SCENE ONE

Callimaco alone
.

CALLIMACO:
I wish I knew what they’ve managed to do. Will I ever see Ligurio again? Four o’clock has come and gone—it’s five already. Oh, the anguish! How true it is that Fortune and Nature keep their books balanced: They never send good your way without sending evil too. The more my hope has grown, the more my fear has grown as well. Woe is me! How can I live in so much pain, racked by these fears and hopes? I am a ship whipped by two opposing winds, which it need fear all the more as it approaches its haven. Messer Nicia’s foolishness fills me with hope—Lucrezia’s prudence and steadfastness fill me with fear. Alas, wherever I turn there is no respite. At times I try to get hold of myself, chastise myself for this passion, ask myself: “What are you doing? Have you gone mad? Once you have obtained her, what then? You will see your error, and repent all your exertions and thoughts. Don’t you know how little good ultimately turns up in what man desires, as opposed to what he hoped to find? On the other hand, the worst that can happen is that you will die and go to Hell; but so many have died, and there are so many men of quality in Hell—is there any reason why you should be ashamed to join them? Look Fate in the eye! Escape evil, or if you cannot escape it, then at least bear it like a man. Don’t bow your head before it, and don’t lower yourself like a woman.” Here I am bolstering myself. But my spirits are bolstered only for a little while. I am assaulted from all sides by such a desire to be with her just once that I am racked from head to toe: legs shaking, innards rattled, my heart trying to break out of my chest, my arms at a loss, my tongue gone mute, eyes blinded, head spinning. If only I could find Ligurio, I could let off some steam.—But here he is, hurrying toward me! His news will give me life or kill me altogether.

SCENE TWO

Ligurio and Callimaco
.

LIGURIO
[aside]:
I’ve never been so eager to find Callimaco, nor have I ever had such a hard time doing so. If I had been the bearer of bad news, you can be sure I’d have run into him right away. I’ve been to his house, the piazza, the market, the Pancone delli Spini, the Loggia de’ Tornaquinci, and haven’t managed to find him. Men in love have quicksilver in their feet, and cannot stay still.

CALLIMACO
[aside]:
Why do I refrain from calling out to him? But he strikes me as quite happy. Hey, Ligurio! Ligurio!

LIGURIO:
Ah, Callimaco! Where have you been?

CALLIMACO:
What news, Ligurio?

LIGURIO:
Good news.

CALLIMACO:
Truly good news?

LIGURIO:
The best.

CALLIMACO:
Lucrezia is agreeable?

LIGURIO:
She is.

CALLIMACO:
The friar has set things up?

LIGURIO:
He has.

CALLIMACO:
O blessed friar! I shall forever pray to the Lord on his behalf!

LIGURIO:
Ha, ha, I like that! As if God bestows his grace for evil as well as good! The friar will want more than your prayers.

CALLIMACO:
What will he want?

LIGURIO:
Money

CALLIMACO:
I’ll give him some. How much did you promise him?

LIGURIO:
Three hundred ducats.

CALLIMACO:
You did well.

LIGURIO:
Messer Nicia has already coughed up twenty-five.

CALLIMACO:
What?

LIGURIO:
He paid up: Why ask questions?

CALLIMACO:
What about Lucrezia’s mother, what did she do?

LIGURIO:
What didn’t she do? No sooner did she hear that her daughter could have a fun night without its being a sin, she begged, cajoled, and reassured Lucrezia until she finally agreed to see the friar. Then she saw to it that her daughter would agree.

CALLIMACO:
Lord in Heaven! What have I done to deserve so much grace? I could die of happiness!

LIGURIO
[aside]:
What kind of man is this? First he wants to die of sorrow, now he wants to die of happiness. [
To Callimaco
] Is the potion ready?

CALLIMACO:
Yes, it is.

LIGURIO:
What are you sending Messer Nicia?

CALLIMACO:
A goblet of elegant spiced wine, just the thing to settle one’s stomach and invigorate the mind … Oh no, oh no! I am ruined!

LIGURIO:
What is it? What happened?

CALLIMACO:
All is lost!

LIGURIO:
What the devil’s happened?

CALLIMACO:
Nothing has happened, nor is anything likely to happen! I’ve dug a hole and fallen into it!

LIGURIO:
Why? Tell me what you mean! Take your hands from your face.

CALLIMACO:
Do you remember I told Messer Nicia that you, he, Siro, and I would grab some fellow and push him into bed with his wife?

LIGURIO:
Well?

CALLIMACO:
What do you mean, “well”? If I am with you, how am I supposed to be the man who will be grabbed? And if I’m not with you, Messer Nicia will catch on to our trick.

LIGURIO:
You have a point there. But isn’t there a way out?

CALLIMACO:
Not that I can see.

LIGURIO:
There must be!

CALLIMACO:
Like what?

LIGURIO:
I need a moment to think.

CALLIMACO:
Oh, that’s great! All is lost if you have to start thinking now!

LIGURIO:
I have an idea!

CALLIMACO:
YOU do?

LIGURIO:
I’ll have the friar, who’s helped us up to now, do the rest.

CALLIMACO:
HOW?

LIGURIO:
We’ll all be in disguise. I’ll disguise the friar, who will change his voice, his face, and his clothes, and I’ll tell Messer Nicia that he is you. He’ll have no reason to doubt it.

CALLIMACO:
I like the idea. But what am I going to do?

LIGURIO:
Well, you could wear one of those rakish mantles and come strolling along past his house, sporting a lute and singing some little ditty.

CALLIMACO:
What, with my face uncovered?

LIGURIO:
Yes, because if you were wearing a mask you’d rouse suspicion.

CALLIMACO:
But he’ll recognize me.

LIGURIO:
No, he won’t. You’ll have to twist up your face: Hold your mouth open, or try pouting, or perhaps scowling—close one of your eyes. Go on, try.

CALLIMACO:
You mean like this?

LIGURIO:
No.

CALLIMACO:
Like this?

LIGURIO:
No, that’s not enough.

CALLIMACO:
How about this?

LIGURIO:
Yes, yes, remember that one. I have a false nose at home: I want you to stick it on.

CALLIMACO:
Fair enough. And then?

LIGURIO:
We’ll be here as you come around the corner. We’ll grab your lute, seize you, lead you to the house, and shove you into bed. The rest you will have to do yourself.

CALLIMACO:
As long as I get that far.

LIGURIO:
You will get that far. But getting back will be entirely up to you.

CALLIMACO:
What do you mean?

LIGURIO:
You’ll have to win her over tonight. Before you leave, you must tell her who you are, reveal the trick, profess your love, tell her how dearly you hold her, and how she can be your friend without the slightest touch of scandal, or your enemy with a blazing scandal. It’s impossible that she won’t reach some kind of agreement with you, and refuse a second encounter.

CALLIMACO:
Do you think so?

LIGURIO:
I am certain of it. But let’s not lose any more time. It’s already past seven o’clock. Call Siro, send the potion to Messer Nicia, and wait for me in your house. I shall go find the friar. I’ll have him put on a disguise and then I’ll bring him here. After that we’ll go get Messer Nicia and see to everything.

CALLIMACO:
That’s a good idea. Off you go!

SCENE THREE

Callimaco and Siro
.

CALLIMACO:
Hey, Siro!

SIRO:
Yes, sir?

CALLIMACO:
Come here.

SIRO:
Here I am.

CALLIMACO:
Go get the silver goblet in my bedroom cabinet. Cover it with a cloth and bring it to me. Make sure you don’t spill anything along the way.

SIRO:
I’ll be right back. [
Siro exits
]

CALLIMACO:
He’s been with me ten years and has always served me loyally. I think I’ll find him loyal in this matter too. I haven’t revealed the trick to him, but I’m sure he’s guessed what we’re up to, as he’s enough of a rascal—and from what I can see, he’s playing along.

SIRO
[reentering]:
Here it is.

CALLIMACO:
Good! Quick, go to Messer Nicia’s house and tell him that this is the medicine that his wife must take immediately after dinner—and the sooner she dines, the better. We’ll be waiting around the corner at the appointed time, so tell him to meet us there. Hurry!

SIRO:
I’m on my way.

CALLIMACO:
Listen. If he wants you to wait, then do so and come back here with him. If he doesn’t want you to wait, then come back as soon as you’ve given him the medicine and the message. Do you understand? SIRO: Yes, sir.

SCENE FOUR

Callimaco alone
.

CALLIMACO:
I’m waiting for Ligurio to return with the friar. Whoever said that waiting is the hardest part was speaking the truth. I’m losing ten pounds an hour thinking where I am and where I could be two hours from now, frightened that something might come up to ruin my plan. If that happens, this will be the last night of my life, because I will throw myself into the River Arno, or hang myself, or hurl myself out one of the windows, or plunge a knife into my heart on her doorstep. I will end my life somehow! But is that Ligurio I see? Yes, that’s him! And he has someone with him all hunchbacked and limping. That must be the friar in disguise. Those friars! You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. But who’s that other fellow? That must be Siro, who will have given the message to Messer Nicia. Yes, that’s him. I’ll wait for them here, so we can join forces.