The essential writings of Machiavelli (56 page)

NICIA:
Your word is my command! I shall follow you blindly and trust you more than my father confessor.

CALLIMACO:
It is a fact that nothing is more certain to make a woman conceive than to give her a potion made from mandrake. I have tried it out half a dozen times, and have found it to work every time. If it wasn’t for this potion, the queen of France would be barren, as would countless other French princesses.

NICIA:
Can that be?

CALLIMACO:
It is just as I say. Fortune has smiled upon you, for I have brought with me all the ingredients that go into the potion, so you can have it at your pleasure.

NICIA:
When would she have to take it?

CALLIMACO:
This evening after dinner. The moon is favorably positioned, and the time could not be more propitious.

NICIA:
There is no problem, then. You mix it and I’ll get her to drink it.

CALLIMACO:
There is one thing you need to be cognizant of, however: The first man to have intimate relations with her after she has drunk the potion will die within eight days. Nothing in the world can save him.

NICIA:
Well, I’ll shit my guts out! In that case I want nothing to do with that nasty pigs will! You’re trying to put one over on me!

CALLIMACO:
Calm yourself, there is a remedy.

NICIA:
What remedy?

CALLIMACO:
You must have another man sleep with her for one night, drawing all the mandrake’s poison out of her. Then you can lie with her without putting yourself in peril.

NICIA:
I will have nothing to do with this!

CALLIMACO:
Why not?

NICIA:
I’m not going to turn my wife into a whore and me into a cuckold!

CALLIMACO:
My dear Messer Nicia, I took you for a wiser man. What can I say if you hesitate to do what the King of France and so many gentlemen there have done?

NICIA:
Who can you find who would take part in such a harebrained scheme? If I tell the man he will die within a week, he won’t want to do it, and if I don’t tell him, I’ll be breaking the law, and I’ll end up being dragged before the High Council of Justice. It’ll be my neck in the noose!

CALLIMACO:
If that is all that is worrying you, leave it to me.

NICIA:
What will you do?

CALLIMACO:
I’ll tell you: I shall hand you the potion this evening after dinner. You will have you wife drink it and then have her immediately go to bed. That should be around nine o’clock. Then you, Ligurio, Siro, and I shall disguise ourselves and scour the New Market and the Old Market, and we will gag the first young fellow we come across strolling about and march him back to your house and into your bedchamber in the dark. There we’ll put him in the bed and tell him what he has to do—I doubt he’ll cause any problems. In the morning you’ll send him off before dawn, have your wife washed, and then you can lie with her at your leisure without any danger at all.

NICIA:
I like the idea, since you tell me that princes and gentlemen have followed that path. But above all, word must not leak out, for the love of the High Council of Justice!

CALLIMACO:
Who would say a word?

NICIA:
There’s only one hurdle left, a considerable one.

CALLIMACO:
What hurdle?

NICIA:
Getting my good lady to play along—I don’t think she’d ever agree.

CALLIMACO:
I can see that is a problem. I just don’t know how one can marry a woman before one tames her to do as one bids.

LIGURIO:
I have a solution.

NICIA:
You do?

LIGURIO:
Her confessor.

CALLIMACO:
And who is going to sway her confessor—you?

LIGURIO:
I, money, our roguery—and that of the confessor.

NICIA:
I’m worried that she’ll dig in her heels about going to her confessor if I command her to go see him.

LIGURIO:
There’s a solution for that too.

CALLIMACO:
Yes?

LIGURIO:
We can have her mother take her.

NICIA:
Yes, yes, she trusts her!

LIGURIO:
And I know for a fact that her mother sees things as we do. Off we go! Time is not on our side. Callimaco, you go on a walk, and make sure we’ll find you at home with the potion ready by four. Messer Nicia and I shall go to her mother’s house and prepare her, as I know her well. Then we will go to the friar, at which point we will inform you of what we’ve achieved.

CALLIMACO
[aside to Ligurio]:
I say, you’re not leaving me alone, are you?

LIGURIO
[aside to Callimaco]:
You look as if you’re at the end of your tether!

CALLIMACO
[aside to Ligurio]:
Where am I supposed to go now?

LIGURIO
[aside to Callimaco]:
Here, there, along that street, along the other: Florence is a big city.

CALLIMACO
[in a low voice]:
I’m at my wits’ end.

2.
Latin: “Good day, Doctor.” “And to you, Sir.”

3.
Latin: “To the matter at hand.”

4.
Latin: “For the causes of sterility are: either in the seed, or in the uterus, or in the testicles, or in the penis, or in some extrinsic cause.”

5.
Machiavelli’s creativity in creating colorful idioms in
The Mandrake
had baffled Francesco Guicciardini, who asked for an explanation of some of the expressions. In a letter from October 1525, Machiavelli explains that “if we were all like Messer Nicia, we would be tipping rocks into our stoves, in other words doing things that only a madman would do.”

6.
Latin: “For a woman’s urine is always of greater thickness and whiteness, and of lesser beauty, than a man’s. This is because, among other things, of the width of the canal and the mixture of matters that flow out of the matrix with the urine.”

A
CT
III

SCENE ONE

Sostrata, Messer Nicia, and Ligurio
.

SOSTRATA:
People always say that a wise man must choose the lesser of two evils. If this is the only solution for having children, you must take it, so long as it does not weigh too heavily on your conscience.

NICIA:
I agree with you.

LIGURIO:
If you go get your daughter, Messer Nicia and I shall go find her confessor, Friar Timoteo, so we can inform him of the matter. That way you won’t have to tell him yourself. Let’s see what he’ll say.

SOSTRATA:
That should work. You go that way, and I shall go find Lucrezia and see to it that she speaks to the friar.

SCENE TWO

Messer Nicia and Ligurio
.

NICIA:
I suppose, Ligurio, you’re taken aback that we’ve had to go through all that folderol to get my wife to see her confessor. But if you knew the half of it, you wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.

LIGURIO:
I suppose it’s because all women have suspicious minds. NICIA: No, no, that’s not it. She was the sweetest woman in the world and the most pliable. But then one of the neighborhood wives told her that if she made a solemn vow to go forty times in a row to matins at the Friars of the Servites, she would conceive. She went for twenty mornings or so, and then, wouldn’t you know, one of those damn friars crept up behind her, after which she refused to go. It’s terrible that those who ought to be setting us a good example are of that ilk. Isn’t that true?

LIGURIO:
The devil if it isn’t!

NICIA:
Ever since that day she’s been as jumpy as a hare. And the moment you tell her something, she rattles off a thousand objections.

LIGURIO:
I’m not surprised. But what about her solemn vow to attend the forty matins in a row?

NICIA:
We purchased a dispensation.

LIGURIO:
That’s good. But give me twenty-five ducats, if you happen to have them on you. It’s the amount one needs in a case like ours if one wants to befriend a friar quickly and with ease, as long as one can convince him there’s more to come.

NICIA:
Here, take them, I don’t mind, I’ll find a way to cut back elsewhere.

LIGURIO:
These friars are cunning and shrewd, which is to be expected, since they know our sins as well as their own. Anyone who isn’t accustomed to their ways is easily hoodwinked, and quickly finds he’s getting nowhere with them. But we don’t want you to start talking and ruining everything, because a man like you who spends all day in his study might know his way around books, but is not wise in the ways of the world. [
Aside
] This man is such a fool that I’m afraid he’ll ruin everything.

NICIA:
Tell me what you want me to do.

LIGURIO:
Let me do the talking, and don’t say a word unless I give you a sign.

NICIA:
That’s fine by me. What sign?

LIGURIO:
I shall close one eye and bite my lip … No, no, we’ll do it differently. How long has it been since you last spoke to the friar?

NICIA:
More than ten years now.

LIGURIO:
That’s good, I’ll tell him you’ve gone deaf. And don’t answer or say a thing unless we talk loudly to you.

NICIA:
Agreed.

LIGURIO:
You must also not be alarmed if I say something that doesn’t tally with anything, because, as you will see, in the end everything will turn out the way we want.

NICIA:
Well, good luck to us.

LIGURIO:
Ah, I see the friar talking to a woman. Let’s wait till he gets rid of her.

SCENE THREE

Friar Timoteo and a woman
.

FRIAR:
If you’d like to confess, I will be pleased to oblige.

WOMAN:
Not today, thank you. I’m expected, and just wanted to pop by to get a few things quickly off my chest. Have you said those Masses for Our Lady?

FRIAR:
I have.

WOMAN:
Here’s a florin for you to say a requiem for my dead husband’s soul every Monday for the next two months. He was a rough brute of a man, but my flesh is weak and I can’t help feeling all aflutter whenever I think of him. Do you believe he’s in Purgatory?

FRIAR:
He definitely is.

WOMAN:
I am not so sure myself. You remember what he used to do to me from time to time. Oh, how often I came running to you about that! I used to try and get away from him, but he always managed to corner me! Ah, God in Heaven!

FRIAR:
Have no fear, the Lord’s mercy is boundless. As long as man has the desire to repent, there is always ample time to do so.

WOMAN:
Speaking of which, do you think the Turks will invade Italy this year?

FRIAR:
They will if you do not say your prayers!

WOMAN:
Heaven forbid! God save us from their devilish ways! My hair stands on end when I think about all that impaling they do. But I see a woman here in church who’s got some of my cloth: I need to have a word with her. I wish you a good day.

FRIAR:
Bless you.

SCENE FOUR

Friar Timoteo, Ligurio, and Messer Nicia
.

FRIAR
[aside]:
Women are the most charitable creatures, and the most troublesome. He who shuns women passes up the trouble, but also the benefits. He who puts up with them gains the benefits, but also the trouble. As the saying goes, there’s no honey without bees. [
To Ligurio and Messer Nicia]
What brings you here, my good gentlemen? Is that Messer Nicia I see?

LIGURIO:
Speak louder, as he’s grown so deaf he can barely hear a word.

FRIAR:
Welcome, gentlemen!

LIGURIO:
Louder!

FRIAR:
Welcome!

NICIA:
Greetings, Friar!

FRIAR:
What brings you here?

NICIA:
I’m doing quite well, thank you.

LIGURIO:
It is better that you speak to me, Friar, because if you want him to understand what you are saying, you’ll have the whole square running for cover.

FRIAR:
How can I help you?

LIGURIO:
Messer Nicia here, and another gentleman of standing, wish to distribute several hundred ducats to charity.

NICIA:
Well, I’ll shit my guts out!

LIGURIO
[to Nicia in a low voice]:
Be quiet, damn it! It won’t be that much! [
Turning back to the friar
] You mustn’t be surprised at the things he says, Friar. He might be deaf, but he has the impression he can hear, and then he says things that don’t make the slightest bit of sense.

FRIAR:
Go on, and let him say whatever he likes.

LIGURIO:
I have some of the money here with me. The gentlemen would like you to be the one to distribute it.

FRIAR:
With pleasure.

LIGURIO:
But before this charity is provided, we must ask your help in a strange matter that has befallen Messer Nicia, a matter in which only you can be of assistance. The honor of his house is at stake.

FRIAR:
How can I help?

LIGURIO:
I’m not sure if you know Cammillo Calfucci, Messer Nicia’s nephew.

FRIAR:
Yes, I do.

LIGURIO:
He went to France on business a year ago, and as he is a widower, he left his marriageable daughter in the care of a certain convent.

FRIAR:
And what happened?

LIGURIO:
What happened was that through either negligence on the nuns’ part or the girl’s frivolity she is now four months pregnant, so that if the matter is not handled with prudence we shall see Messer Nicia, the nuns, the girl, Cammillo, and the whole house of Calfucci disgraced. Messer Nicia is so apprehensive about this shame that he has vowed to give three hundred ducats for the love of God if the matter is dealt with.

NICIA
[aside]:
That’ll be the day!

LIGURIO
[
to Nicia in a low voice
]: Will you be quiet! [
Turning back to the friar]
And he wants the donation to pass through your hands. You and the abbess are his only hope.

FRIAR:
How can I be of assistance?

LIGURIO:
You must persuade the abbess to have the girl drink a potion that will make her miscarry.

FRIAR:
I will have to give the matter some thought.

LIGURIO:
Why do you need to? Look at how many benefits will arise from this: You will maintain the honor of the convent, the girl, and the family; you will give a father his daughter back, please Messer Nicia and all his relatives, and do as much charitable work as the three hundred ducats will allow; and all the while you will harm nothing but a bit of unborn, unfeeling flesh that could be eliminated in a thousand ways. I believe that that is good which does the greatest amount of good and makes the greatest number of people happy.

FRIAR:
So be it, in the name of God! I shall do as you propose. Let it all be done for God and charity! Tell me the name of the convent, give me the potion, and, if you like, the money too, so that we can start doing some good.

LIGURIO:
Now I can see that you are the kind of friar I believed you were. Take this portion of the money. The convent is … Ah, one moment please, I see a woman waving to me from the church. I’ll be right back. Please stay here with Messer Nicia, I need to have a word with her.

SCENE FIVE

Friar Timoteo and Messer Nicia
.

FRIAR:
The girl, how old is she?

NICIA:
I am stunned.

FRIAR:
I said, how old is the girl?

NICIA:
God curse the day!

FRIAR:
Why?

NICIA:
Because he’ll get it!

FRIAR:
I see I have crawled into the lion’s den. I’m tangled up with a madman and a deaf coot. One suddenly runs off, the other can’t hear a word. Yet if these coins are real, I can make much better use of them than they can. But here comes Ligurio once more.

SCENE SIX

Ligurio, Friar Timoteo, and Messer Nicia
.

LIGURIO
[to Nicia in a low voice]:
Be quiet, Messer Nicia. [
To the friar
] I have great news, Friar!