The essential writings of Machiavelli (55 page)

LIGURIO:
Don’t say such things! Restrain such impulses!

CALLIMACO:
You know well enough that it is in order to restrain these impulses that I am entertaining such thoughts. Therefore we must either pursue sending him to a spa, or set out on some other path that will give me hope—some false hope at least—so that I can sustain a thought that will at least help assuage my suffering.

LIGURIO:
You’re right, and I’ll be the one to help you.

CALLIMACO:
I believe you will, even though I know you make a profession of duping people. Anyway, I don’t believe that I will be one of your dupes, because if you try to hoodwink me I will take revenge, and you will lose the use of my house and any hope of getting all that I have promised you.

LIGURIO:
You mustn’t doubt my loyalty: Even if there were not the profit you mentioned, and which I am hoping for, I feel that your temperament mirrors mine, and I am quite as eager for you to fulfill your desire as you are yourself. But let us leave all that aside. Messer Nicia has commissioned me to find a doctor to see which spa would be best for him to go to. What I suggest is this: You will tell him that you have studied medicine, and that you have had ample experience in Paris. It will be easy to convince him, fool that he is, and as you are a man of letters, you will be able to spout a few words of Latin at him.

CALLIMACO:
Where will that get us?

LIGURIO:
It will get him to the spa that we choose, and will help me put into effect another scheme I’ve thought up, one that will be quicker, more certain, and quite possibly more successful than the spa.

CALLIMACO:
What do you mean?

LIGURIO:
What I mean is that if you have courage and put your trust in me, by this time tomorrow I shall present you with a fait accompli. Then, even if Messer Nicia were a clever enough man—which he isn’t—to realize that you are not really a doctor, our fast action will ensure either that he will not have time to weigh the matter, or, if he does, that he won’t have time to interfere with our plan.

CALLIMACO:
Your words fill me with life! This is too great a promise, and gives me too great a hope. How do you intend to do it?

LIGURIO:
You will find out when the time is ripe. For now there is no need for me to tell you, for we barely have time to put things into action, let alone discuss them. Go back home and wait for me there. I shall go find Messer Nicia. If I bring him to you, I want you to follow my lead and play along with anything I say.

CALLIMACO:
I will do it, even though you’re filling me with hopes that I fear might end up drifting away like smoke.

A
CT
II

SCENE ONE

Ligurio, Messer Nicia, and Siro

LIGURIO:
As I have told you, I believe God has sent us this doctor so you can fulfill your desire! He has had endless experience in Paris, and you mustn’t wonder at his not practicing here in Florence: First of all, he is rich, and second, he’s planning to return to Paris any day now.

NICIA:
He’s planning to return to Paris? I don’t want him to get me all tied up in a tangle and leave me dangling!

LIGURIO:
Don’t worry about that. What we need to worry about is whether he will agree to take you on. If he does, he will see you all the way through.

NICIA:
As far as that goes, I shall place myself in your hands; but as for his medical knowledge, I’ll tell you after I’ve spoken to him whether he’s a man of learning or a charlatan quack.

LIGURIO:
It is because I know you well that I’m taking you to him so you can talk to him. And if his presence, learning, and discourse do not strike you as those of a man in whose lap you could lay your head, then you may say that I am not I, but someone else entirely!

NICIA:
So be it, by the Archangel in Heaven! Let’s go. But where are his lodgings?

LIGURIO:
He lives on this square. That’s his door, the one right in front of us.

NICIA:
I pray that all this comes to some good! You knock.

LIGURIO:
Here I go.

SIRO:
Who’s there?

LIGURIO:
Is Callimaco home?

SIRO:
Yes, he is.

NICIA:
How is it that you don’t ask for
Doctor
Callimaco?

LIGURIO:
He does not care for such trifles.

NICIA:
Still, you must address him correctly, and if he doesn’t like it he can drop his pants and you know what.

SCENE TWO

Callimaco, Messer Nicia, and Ligurio
.

CALLIMACO:
Who is asking for me?

NICIA:
Bona dies, domine magister
.

CALLIMACO:
Et vobis bona, domine
²

LIGURIO
[
aside to Nicia
]: What do you think?

NICIA
[aside to Ligurio]:
First-rate, by the Holy Gospels!

LIGURIO:
But if you want me to stay, you’d better drop the Latin and speak so I can understand too, otherwise we’ll be stoking two fires to spit a single roast.

CALLIMACO:
How may I be of service?

NICIA:
It’s a long story. I suppose I’m looking for the two things from which another man might run as from a burning house. It’s trouble I’m looking for, both for myself and for others. In short, I have no brats but want some. So you could say I’ve come to trouble you to make some trouble for myself.

CALLIMACO:
Being of service to you or any gentleman of quality and standing like yourself can hardly be considered trouble. The only reason I toiled away in Paris all those many years, studying so hard, was to be of service to gentlemen like yourself.

NICIA:
I thank you most prodigiously. And should you ever need my legal services, I will be most happy to oblige. But
ad rem nostram
³
Have you given thought to which spa I should take my wife to so that she might conceive? I know Ligurio has spoken to you on this matter.

CALLIMACO:
Yes, he has. But in order for you to fulfill your desire we must find the cause of your wife’s sterility. You see, there can be many reasons:
nam cause sterilitatis sunt: aut in semine, aut in matrice, aut in instrumentis seminariis, aut in virga, aut in causa extrinseca
⁴

NICIA
[aside]:
We could not have found a worthier doctor!

CALLIMACO:
Then again, if you are impotent, you yourself could be the cause of the sterility. If that is the case, then I can offer no cure.

NICIA:
Me, impotent? You make me laugh! You will not find a more stalwart and virile man than myself in all of Florence!

CALLIMACO:
If that is so, then I can assure you we shall find a cure.

NICIA:
Might there not be another remedy than the spa? You see, I’m not too happy about the inconvenience of going there, and my wife is not too happy about leaving Florence.

LIGURIO:
There is another remedy, if I may be so bold—the doctor is circumspect to a fault, so I shall permit myself to speak on his behalf. [
To Callimaco
] Did you not mention that you can concoct a certain potion that unfailingly leads to pregnancy?

CALLIMACO:
Yes, I did. But I am usually reticent about mentioning that among people I do not know well, as I would not want them to think me a quack.

NICIA:
Do not worry about me! You have already amazed me with the extent of your learning: there’s nothing I would not believe or do at your bidding.

LIGURIO
[to Callimaco]:
I believe you need to see a specimen from Madonna Lucrezia.

CALLIMACO:
Yes, definitely, I must see a specimen!

LIGURIO
[aside to Callimaco]:
Call Siro and have him accompany Nicia to his house to get a specimen and bring it here. We’ll wait inside.

CALLIMACO
[calling into the house]:
Siro, I want you to accompany that gentleman. [
To Nicia
] And if it please you, Messer Nicia, I would be grateful if you would come back here as soon as possible, so that we might initiate matters.

NICIA:
If it please me? I shall be back in a flash! I have more faith in you than a wild Hungarian has in his spade. [
Callimaco and Ligurio go back into the house
]

SCENE THREE

Messer Nicia and Siro
.

NICIA:
This master of yours is a very capable man.

SIRO:
More than you imagine.

NICIA:
The King of France must regard him highly.

SIRO:
Very highly.

NICIA:
That is why I suppose he wants to live in France.

SIRO:
I believe so.

NICIA:
He does well to want to stay there. This place is full of brickshitters with no appreciation for a man’s skill and accomplishment. If he stayed here, there wouldn’t be a man who’d look him in the eye. You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through: I had to shit my guts out to learn a word or two of Latin, and if I had to earn my living off that, I’d be out in the cold, let me tell you!

SIRO:
Surely you earn at least a hundred ducats a year?

NICIA:
Not even a hundred lire, or a hundred
grossi
, I’ll have you know! And the reason is that here in Florence, if you’re not in with the ruling party and don’t have good connections, you can’t even get a dog to bark at you. All you can do is lounge about at funerals and weddings and loaf all day on a bench on the Via del Proconsolo. But I don’t give a damn! See if I care! And that goes for those worse off than me, too! But don’t repeat any of this, as I don’t want to end up being slapped with a fine or having a leek shoved up my ass.

SIRO:
I won’t say a word.

NICIA:
Here we are, this is my house. Wait for me here, I’ll be right back.

SIRO:
Go ahead.

SCENE FOUR

Siro alone
.

SIRO:
If all learned men were like him, we’d all be tipping rocks into our stoves.
⁵
One thing that’s certain is that that crook Ligurio and my besotted master will lead Messer Nicia to shame. And that’s fine by me, as long as word doesn’t get around, because if it does my life will be in danger, not to mention the danger to my master’s life and property. He’s suddenly turned himself into a doctor: I don’t know what plan they’re hatching and where their deception is heading. But here comes Messer Nicia with a chamber pot! How can anyone help laughing at such a dupe?

SCENE FIVE

Messer Nicia and Siro
.

NICIA
[
talking through the door to Lucrezia
]: I’ve always done things your way, but this time I want you to do things my way. If I’d believed I wasn’t going to have children, I’d rather have taken a peasant wench than you! [
To Siro, handing him the chamber pot
] Here you are, Siro. Follow me. You wouldn’t believe what I went through to squeeze this damn sample out of that wife of mine! I’m not saying she’s not eager to have children—she grieves about it even more than I do—but the moment I want to do something about it, that’s another story.

SIRO:
A little patience should do the trick. “Whisper a woman a sweet word or two, and she’ll be happy enough to follow you.”

NICIA:
A sweet word or two after she’s rattled me to the bone? Hurry and tell the doctor and Ligurio that I’ve arrived.

SIRO:
Here they are: They’re coming out.

SCENE SIX

Ligurio, Callimaco, Messer Nicia, and Siro
.

LIGURIO
[aside to Callimaco]:
Messer Nicia will be easy enough to sway—the hard part will be convincing his wife. But there’s no lack of means.

CALLIMACO
[to Messer Nicia]:
Do you have the sample?

NICIA:
Siro has it there, covered up.

CALLIMACO
[to Siro]:
May I have it? [
He examines the sample
] Aha, this sample reveals a weakness of the kidneys.

NICIA:
It does seem a little cloudy, though she produced it only a few minutes ago.

CALLIMACO:
You must not be surprised.
Nam mulieris urine sunt semper
maioris grossitiei et albedinis, et minoris pulchritudinis, quam virorum. Huius autem, inter caetera, causa est amplitudo canalium, mixtio eorum quae ex matrice exeunt cum urinis.
⁶

NICIA
[aside]:
By Saint Puccio’s pussy! That man is so refined he could trickle through your clenched fist! How wonderfully he explains things!

CALLIMACO:
I fear she might be lying exposed at night, hence the impurity of her urine.

NICIA:
She’s got an excellent blanket, but insists on kneeling by the bed for hours at a time every night, rattling off the Lord’s Prayer over and over before she climbs in. That woman can outlast the sturdiest heifer in the cold.

CALLIMACO:
Well, Messer Nicia, the question is whether you have faith in me or not, and whether I shall offer you a certain remedy—or not. I do have a remedy to offer you, and if you believe in me, you can have it. And if within a year from today your wife is not cradling her very own child in her arms, I shall give you two thousand ducats.