The Face In The Mirror (34 page)

It seemed too, that life was moving rapidly forward for others as well.
Dave and Ashley found out that they would be sharing their life with a new
little someone around the middle of April. I was happy for them, but I watched
Mitchell closely whenever they talked about it. I needed to see that he wasn’t
sad or envious, but true to Mitchell Donovan, he would catch me watching
him, look my way and all I would see was love – that look that my mom
pointed out to me in her journals.

Cassie’s business was growing and I tried to prepare myself for her to come
in one day and tell me that she was too busy to stay at Granny’s, or that she and
Chuck were ready to start a family. But every day she would tell me that she
couldn’t imagine not sharing this with me.

Roxy, Roxanne, whatever – did leave my dad. I guess she realized if he did
it with her, he’d do it with anyone else who was willing. She got all that she
wanted and used Rowena as the bargaining chip as we all knew she would,
when she put my dad out of the mansion. He tried to come to me, but I just
couldn’t give him what he wanted – forgiveness. I know it’s not right to hold
grudges, but I don’t want to be a hypocrite and pretend that I am OK with
him. I discovered that I just don’t like him.

Derek, Janelle and Jared visit often. He left Ridgeway, Davis and Associates
when my dad’s divorce turned nasty. Dad’s partner, Janelle’s father, broke away
as well, opening his own firm. Derek joined him – at Janelle’s urging, but I
think he was doing it for himself as well.

The Captain called often, and a wonderful kinship evolved. I knew that he
and Midge talked as well, but she told me their conversations were those of
friends. Sometimes they talked about my mom; he wanted to ‘know her’. It’s
funny to me, to think that two people had such an intimate bond that grew
from a meeting on a cruise, two clandestine meetings, and phone calls that
appeared to be missed opportunities.

I truly believe with my heart and soul, that he fell in love with my mother
in just those brief encounters. Sometimes when he calls, he shares thoughts,
‘what ifs,’ if you will. It saddens me that they never had an opportunity to
explore each other, and his ‘what ifs’ cause my heart great pain. ‘What if’ she’d
found someone to make her happy?

The Captain offered to schedule a cruise for us over the week between
Christmas and the New Year. We accepted, and had great plans in the works.
Mona Fay Webster Ridgeway was going along.

The whole idea of retracing the route where my mother found the Captain,
a place where she found happiness, if even for a little while, was exciting. The
Captain (he will remain ‘The Captain’ to me) made all the arrangements to
spread her ashes in International waters. He cried when he told me that it was
arranged, saying that he’d ‘visit’ her often.

Cassie and the girls at the café’ sent me off with Dave and Chuck
promising to be on hand for anything they might need. What a blessing to have
people love you so much that their desire is to help you succeed. And I knew
they loved me, loved Mitchell and me. They were our love-family.

As we boarded the ship, many emotions overwhelmed me. Mitchell noticed
right away, and being the hopeless romantic that he is, when we reached our
stateroom, he lifted me into his arms and carried me through the door.

The Captain, true to his word, made it very special; we were in the
Honeymoon Suite. There were flowers and champagne – Cuvee – chilling.
Mitchell set me on the floor and we shared a passion filled kiss. Breathless…
that’s how he left me.

“Renie, do you have any idea what you do to me?” he asked softly in my
ear, nuzzling my neck.
“I have an idea, but all I can think about right now is what you do to me.
Since the night you came home with me from Mom’s visitation, you’ve had my
heart racing, my knees weak, and you’ve left me breathless more times than I
can count. That’s what you do to me, Mitchell. You own me.”
“I love you so much.” He lifted my hair, cupping the back of my head,
drawing me close, and then whispered in my ear. “I can’t wait to get you in that
bed later.”
“Mitchell,” I said, still catching my breath, “that sounds more like a
challenge than an invitation.” He leaned back to look at me, his eyes sucking
me in, and I felt a shiver run up my spine.
“I accept,” I replied and we both started laughing, but his eyes still held me,
and I couldn’t wait…

Tonight was dinner at The Captain’s table. Mitchell brought a tuxedo to
wear for this occasion and several suits for other events. I swear, seeing that
man in a suit is an orgasm for me just waiting to happen.

When I pulled my dress for the evening from the bag, Mitchell had a big
smile on his face. It was the dress I’d worn for Dave and Ashley’s wedding.
“I remember the last time you wore this dress, and I can only hope for a
‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ experience once again!”
“Count on it, Mr. Donovan!”

We dined with the Captain. Midge arrived looking like a cool million. The
Captain was so handsome and charming in his uniform, and I could see what it
was about him that attracted my mom. We shared a lovely meal – everything
was elegant and absolutely perfect. My mind was racing, conjuring simple ideas
with the same flavors. I looked up and Mitchell was smiling. The Captain
looked on and finally, he informed the others about my business – with such
pride that it made me want to cry.

The wine was lovely and the conversation continued until late in the
evening. Afterward, I danced with the Captain and thought of her in his arms.
He held me close, much like a father would a daughter.

I watched Midge dance with every single man who wanted to punch her
dance card - young, old and in-between. Her moves were fluid, but it was the
light laugh that floated through the room, that had them lined up for the next
dance.

“She’s in her element,” I laughed.
“I’m in mine,” Mitchell replied, softly caressing my back.
“Not yet, you aren’t.”
“Oh, so now it’s you who challenges me…”
“Shall we go?” I asked. It came out more like a sultry purr and Mitchell was

putty in my hands. I took his hand, waved to Midge and we exited the room.
“Let’s take a stroll around the deck first. It’s a lovely evening,” I suggested.
“You just want to tease me a little longer,” he said, kissing my neck.
“I want to see the view that the Captain shared with her. Look at that

We walked to the bow and it was beautiful. The moon shone on the water,
its’ reflection moving in the soft waves the ship’s movement caused.
“I can’t see anything but you, Renie. I’ve never seen you in moonlight like
this,” he said, taking me in his arms. He began to sway to music that only he
heard. Pulling me closer, we shared an erotic dance. We should have worried
that someone was watching, but I didn’t care. Mitchell’s hands flowed over my
body like hot caramel dripping down the sides of an ice cream sundae.
He softly sang in my ear.

Aren’t you somethin’ to admire?
‘Cuz your shine is somethin’ like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I’m always
Parallel on the other side

‘Cuz with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there’s no place we couldn’t go
Just put your hand on the glass
I’ll be tryin’ to pull you through
You just gotta be strong…

“Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?” I whispered.
“We should go before we…”
“Throw down right here?” he asked, leaning back to see my reaction.
“Get arrested… that’s what I was going to say… get arrested,” I mumbled.
“We
should
go…”

Mitchell slipped the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door and within a
minute and a half we were naked. The erotic dance continued, skin to skin. We
fell onto the bed and Mitchell’s kisses on my body left me feeling for certain
that he’d found the caramel and was on a mission to devour it. I wanted to
scream when he stopped, but he pressed a sensuous kiss on my lips and his
tongue began a dance with mine. This was the sexiest coming together that
we’d ever shared. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he raised above me and
I arched to meet him and it was heaven…

“Mitchell?”
“Yes, my love?” he replied, framing my face with his hands.
“Where did that come from? I thought we’d gone as deep, and intimate as

possible in the time we’ve been back together.”
“Deep?” he grinned.
“Deep like emotional…”
“Sea air,” he replied with that smile that melted my heart.
“We have sea air at the condo.”
“We do…”
“Why have you been holding that back?” I asked, kissing him, nipping

lightly on his bottom lip.
“Guess it just needed to be the right time. Tonight I felt like I wanted every
part of you – every part, Renie. I think I got to all of them, didn’t I?”
“I think you better check again to make sure.” I said bewitchingly.
“Yes ma’am,” he grinned, flashing the dimple, and I melted into him, once
more.

The next morning, I slipped from the bed to get ready. As I checked the
mirror one more time before I left, she was there. I reached out because she
looked so real, so happy. I didn’t want to leave. But then, I blinked and it was
my reflection looking back at me, smiling.
Never leave me,
I thought as I turned
to walk away.

At the Captain’s request, I met him for coffee on deck.
“Good morning,” I said as I approached.
“You look well rested. The sea air is wonderful, isn’t it?” he asked.

I held my breath to keep from blushing and nodded, accepting the latte he
handed me. “This is lovely, Captain.” I noticed his melancholy air as I said the
words. He was thinking of my mom.

We chatted a while longer, and as we finished our coffee, I saw Midge
approach.
“Good morning!” she said in a chipper voice, leaning to kiss my cheek.
“Good morning. Captain, thank you for all of this. I’m going to get
Mitchell to take a stroll around the deck. Midgey, I love you.”

When I entered our room, Mitchell was still asleep, sprawled all over the
bed. I smiled as I crawled in the small space beside him and he stirred,
wrapping me in his arms.

“You’re dressed?”
“I’ve already met the Captain,” I said.
“What time is it?” he asked, wiping sleep from his eyes.
“Almost eleven.”
“I guess you wore me out last night.”
“I love you, Mitchell Donovan.” He scooted over to give me more room

and I moved closer. “I think from now on when we go to bed at home I’ll leave
a window open. I’m hoping it was the sea air that brought that on last night.”
“It’s you, Renie. The sea air just enhanced the feelings.”
We lay quietly for a few minutes before I said, “Two this afternoon. The
Captain said we’d be in deep water and we will have the ceremony at the bow.”
“You OK with this?”
“I am. I think it’s the final piece.”

Midge, the Captain, Mitchell and I met at the bow. A light breeze blew as
we gathered. There was a cellist playing soft music, a lovely gift from the
Captain. I noticed four wreaths of white roses. I felt my tears building. I
couldn’t speak; I didn’t know if I was capable. I walked to the furthest point of
the bow and opened the urn. We watched as the breeze carried the ashes away.
It was peaceful, beautiful. As we took the wreaths, Midgey raised her hand.

“For what it is to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind, Kahil
Gibran wrote. Fly away, beautiful, special little butterfly.”
We tossed the wreaths into the water.
Silence enveloped the moment, all of us just standing there, thinking our
own thoughts. Finally, I reached for the Captain’s hand and we walked to deck
chairs close by. Mitchell and Midge joined us, but stood quietly while the
Captain and I spoke.
“Captain, thank you for this. Not just the cruise, but the peace and serenity
of letting her go. This time of year is emotional; it’s her birthday and I miss her
so much. But the beginning of a new year always makes me reflect on my
strengths, my weaknesses, the awful and the crazy, the good and the not so
good. I think about the decisions I’ve made, the ones I need to make, and I try
to make a plan to make it all work. I am a planner. I have to have a ‘map’ to
help me on my way, or a navigator to guide me when there is no map.”
I turned to find Mitchell smiling. As he watched me, I could see that love
look on his face that my mom told me to look for. I looked away, and thanked
God once again that Mitchell was here sharing my life once more – my favorite
mulligan of all. I could feel a huge lump forming in my throat and I swallowed
hard to be able to continue.
“I try to see the good in everything, and I have struggled for eighteen
months to make sense of any of this. The revelations from Mom’s journals, and
the time Mitchell and I have spent reading them that brought us back together,
and closer than I could ever imagine, because Mona Ridgeway knew all along
that that’s where we belonged – together. I thought the love and the feelings we
shared before were as good as it could ever be, but I was wrong. Mitchell being
in my life again, moves me in ways I could never dream of.”
“I’m not certain that I can move past the feelings I have for my father. I
believed I was on my way to doing that – forgiving and forgetting – but he’s
done nothing but push the wedge between us deeper, so I’ll focus instead, on
the people in my life who bring me joy, peace and serenity.”
I placed my hand on the Captain’s cheek and said, “I believe that the
journals were a gift from her, pieces of her that I will cherish forever. I don’t
know that I’ll ever read them again, but just knowing that I have them, along
with the memory of these last months with Mitchell, and the vision of her
beautiful calligraphic script will keep her close to my heart. But the unexpected
thing of all of this has been you.”
He took my hand, patting it lovingly.
“I believe that she wanted me to find you. I believe she wanted me to
know you, for us to share some kind of kinship. I’m not sure why, but that’s
what I feel.”
I couldn’t stop them now, the tears came in a rush, and the Captain rose
and pulled me to my feet and slipped his arms around me, holding me in his
embrace.
“I’m sorry you didn’t really get to know her,” I blubbered. “She was,” and I
looked at Midge to finish the sentence, “a special little butterfly.”
“But I have gotten to know her,” he said. “The time with you has shown
me who Mona was, and I look forward to sharing more with you. I only wish I
could have shared more of her than the time we had. She enamored me almost
from the moment I saw her. It’s hard to explain, but I saw her first as an
attractive woman across the room, and then her eyes drew me in. They were
sad, yet vibrant, and it seemed such a contrast that I had to know her. If
only…” he said, his emotions catching up with him.
“I myself have been through so many ‘if onlys’ this last year, but I believe
that we go on. We pick up and find our way on the next path.”
I was a mess. I was a bawling, blubbering mess and Mitchell didn’t miss a
beat. “Captain, you might want to give this to her, quick.”
I looked up and Mitchell was reaching out with a handkerchief. “I’ve been
here before,” he chuckled.
I dramatically grabbed it from his hand. Stepping away from the Captain, I
started laughing and then, blew my nose with my typical loud honking sound.
Mitchell stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me.
“I was prepared this time. It’s usually my shirttail because that’s normally
the only thing available at the time.”
“Nice,” I said and, we all laughed.