The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (53 page)

For the past several weeks, Ryan has been good with me only staying with him a few nights a week, and although he complains, I know he understands. Kimber and I still don't really talk that much, but she has asked about Ryan and I have opened up to her a little about him. She is still dating Seth, even though she says it's not too serious. She told me he was accepted into graduate school at UCLA, so there is no reason for her to get too attached. She's convincing when she says that they are both just having fun together at this point.

I talked to Roxy the other day about changing my tattoo. She wanted to know why I wasn't happy with it, so I just told her that I wanted it to be more of a reflection of who I am now. She didn't really understand, and of course, I didn't expect her to. But I came to the decision to simply have the heart shaded in. I didn't want to add to it to make it any larger than what it already is. I like that it's tiny. I didn't realize until I fell in love with Ryan how full my heart could actually be, so having the empty heart on my hip filled in only makes sense. Ryan loved that idea and went with me yesterday to get it done.

I was a nervous wreck, the same as I was when I first got it. Jared was quick, and it didn't hurt too bad. Ryan held my hand through the short process, and now I have a solid black heart instead of the empty outline. Even though it's the same, it feels very different to me. I love Ryan for helping me transform something that was filled with such bad memories into something that now makes me happy when I look at it. I think of him when I see it, and I love that he was able to give that to me.

While I was going through my drawers and getting rid of old clothes, I ran across Detective Patterson's card again. I held it in my hands and thought about how I first met Jack and how quickly it spun out of control. I'm not even sure if too much time has passed to call. Not that I would call. I don't really know what to do about it all. I have always just assumed I would leave it be and move on.

But then the thought crept into my head that if he did that to me, then he has the potential to do it to someone else. What if he already has done it to someone else? What if I wasn't the first? What if there is a girl out there just like me? I wondered if he was seeing anyone; if he had a girlfriend now. She has the right to know what kind of guy she's with. But the thought of having people know what happened to me, having to talk about it, I'm terrified it could break me. Even though Ryan assures me that I did nothing wrong, I still feel responsible for sending Jack over the edge and leading him on.

After a while, I give up on thinking too much about it all and slip the card back into my sock drawer. If I was going to do anything about it, I should have done it already. I need to just let it go, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to throw the card away.

Ryan and I jog up the steps of my house after our morning run. It's still early out, and the sun is just starting to rise behind the grey clouds that blanket the city. Once inside, we each grab a bottle of water and go back to my room so I can clean up.

Shutting the door, he walks up behind me and starts planting kisses on the back of my neck. I reach up and wrap my hand behind his damp neck. His kisses make me shiver, and he grazes his lips over my ear and says, "I want you in your bed."

It may sound weird, but we haven't ever had sex in my bed, but then again, Ryan rarely spends the night here with me and the few times that he has, Kimber was home, and it made me feel uncomfortable with her in the next room. But she is gone this morning, and the way his kisses are affecting me, I don't want to say no.

Turning around in his arms, I start tugging up his shirt. He reaches over his head and pulls it off at the same time I take mine off. We stumble over to the bed and when we collapse on it, we are a tangled mess, fumbling to get each other's clothes off. Running my lips down his neck and along his broad shoulders, I taste the salt on his skin. I knot my fingers in his sweaty hair and pull him down on me.

My body bows into his when he grinds his hips into me, pushing himself deep inside me, and we begin to move together. Reaching behind my back, he pulls us onto our sides, and I wrap my leg around his waist pulling him closer to me. We lie face-to-face, flushed and panting, as he grips tightly onto my thigh.

We don't speak, and with our foreheads connected, we keep our eyes locked while he takes his time with me. Never rushing. Never in a hurry.

I'm alone for the day while Ryan is at work. Tonight, Blur is hosting a concert for one of Gavin's bands and they are expecting a huge turnout. I agreed to go since Mark and Jase will also be there. My car is still over at Ryan's house from last night. When we left for our run this morning and found ourselves here, I told him I didn't need to go back for my car. I would just stay here for the day.

It's nearing the end of April, and I decide I should start sorting through my belongings and slowly start packing. I still don't know where I'm going, but with graduation a little over a month away, I need to start getting organized. New York has always been my dream, but I know I'll never be able to leave Ryan behind—I'll never
want
to leave him. Plus, Seattle has produced many world-renowned dancers and choreographers. Pacific Northwest Ballet is here in Seattle and is internationally recognized as one of the elite. Even if they're not interested in me, I know if I stay here, I can still have a successful career.

After I pack up a box of books, I start thinking more and more about Ryan and how I never thought I would have what I found with him. Jack destroyed everything in me, and to be able to trust someone again is something I didn't think would ever be possible. Is it selfish of me to not want to save someone else from that theft? I know that it has probably been too long, but maybe I should just call and get some information on what could be done. Hell, for all I know, I could even remain anonymous. But, I will never know if I don't call.

Opening the top drawer of my dresser, I fish out the card that I was given now eight months ago. I keep telling myself that it's just a phone call; I just want to ask some questions.

Picking up my cell, I swipe the screen and with nervous fingers dial the number while my heart beats at an insanely rapid rate. After several rings, I am half relieved when I get the detective's voicemail. I leave him a quick message with my name and number and set the phone back down. All of a sudden I consider the possibility of Jack finding out. If I did do anything, would he come after me? Would he try and hurt me? I resolve that it's probably best if I don't say anything. I shouldn't be calling and talking to Detective Patterson. I really do need to move on and just let it be.

"Babe, you ready?"

"Yeah, I just need to grab my jacket," I say as I walk back into my closet.

"So, it's going to be busy. A lot busier than the past few times you've been. You sure you're okay with that?"

"I mean, if it's too much then I can always go upstairs until you're ready to leave."

He takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine, pulling me to him, and suggests, "Or we could just stay here and break in your bed a bit more," as he nuzzles my neck.

I smile at the memory of being with him this morning and give him a kiss. "I think we should go now and break in the bed later."

Nipping my lip, he walks us out to his jeep.

When we pull up in front of the bar, there is a line wrapped around the building. Max spots us from the door and is standing next to me when we walk in. The music blasts through the bar as Ryan and Max lead me to the side of the bar that curves around to the back wall. We told Mark and Jase to meet us here and see them waiting for us. When we approach them, Gavin and several of Ryan's friends are there as well. Jase orders me two shots, and I feel relaxed over in the corner with our group of friends. We all drink and laugh and eventually Mel comes by to chat with me a bit while the guys are busy talking about things I couldn't care less about.

Mel has always been really sweet to me. She's a little older than I am and reminds me a lot of Roxy. Her husband is a drummer for a band that just got signed to a label in L.A. I've only met him once when he was in town during a break in recording his album. She decided to stay here in Seattle so that she could have the support of her family instead of being alone in L.A. where she doesn't know anyone. Personally, I think she isn't too happy in her marriage and that's why she stayed.

A few hours later, the band returns to the stage after taking a short break and begin to play a cover of the Imagine Dragons' 'Radioactive.' Ryan tells me he needs to run upstairs to grab some inventory sheets to give Mel before we leave. Holding my hand tightly, he tries to lead us across the bar. The door has been busy, so Max is back at his post outside.

Bumping shoulders through the crowd, Ryan wraps his arm around me and we slowly walk through the swarm of people. I stumble a little when I suddenly spot Kimber out of the corner of my eye. I had no idea she was even here. My body jerks and freezes when I think I'm seeing things. Running his nose along some girl's neck, when he turns his head back to the stage, I know I'm not losing it. I see Jack's face. My vision begins to tunnel as panic shrieks through me, and I start tugging in the opposite direction that Ryan is going, pulling back against his arm that is around me. My eyes are locked on Jack, who doesn't see me from across the room.

"What are you doing?" Ryan hollers over the crowd as I keep stumbling back. When he shifts his body, I fall out of his hold and tumble onto the floor.

In shock and terror, I keep trying to shuffle back when Ryan picks me up. He turns to see what I'm staring at and looks back at me as I attempt to turn my back and run. He grabs me around the waist, not letting me escape and leans over my shoulder, yelling over the music, "Babe, what's wrong?"

Trying to peel his grip from me, all I can do is shout, "It's Jack!"

"Who?"

"Get me out of here!" I scream in a panic, jerking to get out of his grip. "I can't breathe! Get me out of here!"

Tucking me tightly against him, he moves us quickly to the door, yelling at Jase to follow, but Jase is too far away.

When we finally make it outside, my breathing is labored and my whole body is shaking. I run to Ryan's car, wanting to get as far away as I can from Jack. Aside from my dreams, I haven't seen him since that night.

"Babe, what the fuck happened in there? Who the fuck did you see?"

Leaning my back against his jeep, I grip onto Ryan's shirt as I start to cry and gasp for breath.

"Jack is in there. We have to leave."