The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (55 page)

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I've been lying to you."

"Candace—"

I cut her off and let everything out. Everything I've been hiding.

"I didn't want to lie to you. I love you, but I was scared. I was scared you would tell someone, and I was afraid to trust you."

"Sweetie—"

"Jack raped me. That night of the party, he raped me. And I stayed with Jase because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know, and I was scared you would go to Jack and do something stupid. So I hid from you. I lied, and I hurt you. I lost my best friend and I'm so sorry."

"Candace, you didn't lose me," she says as she begins to cry. "I've always been here."

"I'm so sorry."

Kimber doesn't say anything as we both cry. I don't know how long we are on the floor, but when exhaustion hits, I lean my head back against the wall and release a hard sigh. When I look back at Kimber, I apologize again.

"Let's get off the floor, okay?" she says and then stands and helps pull me up. We walk out to the living room, and I sit on the couch as Kimber gets us some water. Sitting down next to me she asks, "Candace, what happened?"

"With Jack or Ryan?"

"Jack."

"He got pissed at me that I led him on and when I ran from him, he..." I don't finish my thought, because I can't, and I know I don't need to. "I was taken to the hospital, and I went home with Jase. I couldn't come back here because Jack had banged up my face pretty bad."

"Fucker," she hisses.

"Kimber, you can't say anything."

"Ryan beat the shit out of him last night."

"I know, I was there. That's Ryan's bar, he owns it."

"Is that why you were fighting? I don't understand."

Shaking my head, I start to cry again. "God, it's so messed up."

"Candace, I know you didn't think you could, but you can trust me. I love you."

"The thing with Jack happened in the back lot of Ryan's bar. I didn't know it, and I didn't know him when we met. But I spoke with the detective this morning, and he told me that Ryan had witnessed it." Hanging my head down, I struggle to get my words out. "I don't know what to think. He knew me all along and never said anything. God, I broke down like an idiot and told him what had happened to me and he already knew."

"That's fucked up," she says as she hugs me.

"I fell in love with him. How could he make me fall in love with him? I feel so stupid."

"You're not stupid. He lied to you. He's a dick face."

I can't help but chuckle through my tears at her words. I've missed her words so much.

"I wish I would have known," she tells me. "I wish I could have been there for you. I had no idea. I thought you were mad at me, and I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't figure any of it out, so I just gave up trying. Then I just got mad at you."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't know what to do. I mean, last night was the first time I've hung out with Jack, but he's one of Seth's friends. They're frat brothers and all."

"You can't say anything. Please, Kimber."

"I won't. I promise. I just don't know what to do."

"I don't know."

"Are you pressing charges?"

"No."

"Why were you talking to a detective?"

"He was at the hospital. He gave me his card. Jase had tried a couple times to get me to call him, but I didn't. I came across it the other day when I was starting to pack my room and I...I don't know, I guess I wanted to see what my options were. I don't know."

"You can't let him get away with this, Candace. He has a girlfriend, you know?"

"Kimber, I just can't. This year has been a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare, for me. I thought I was stronger. I thought Ryan was real. I don't know, Kimber. I feel so lost. More lost than before."

There's a knock on the door and Kimber gets up to answer it.

"Hey, Jase," she says as he walks into the house and straight towards me.

"I've been trying to call you, sweetie. What happened?"

I must have forgotten my phone when I rushed out of Ryan's place.

"He lied to me."

Sitting down next to me, he asks, "What do you mean 'he lied?'"

I start to cry and he takes my hand. "Remember when the detective told us there was a witness to what happened?"

"Yeah."

"It was Ryan. Jase, he saw it and never told me."

Kimber sits down on the other side of me as I lean into Jase's arms, and I hear Kimber tell Jase that I told her everything. And for the first time in a long time, the three of us hold each other. I'm so hurt and so lost, but at the same time, I feel like I'm finally back with the people who I have always considered my family.

When Jase pulls back, he wants to know how I found out, so I tell him about calling Detective Patterson and everything that he said.

"What did you say to Ryan?"

With a new slew of tears breaking free, I say, "I ended it. Jase, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. How could he do this to me?"

"I don't know, sweetie."

"You're gonna have to go over to his place. All my things are there and my phone. I left it all there."

"Don't worry about any of that. Jase will take care of it," Kimber assures me.

"I'll go over there when I leave here. But I don't want to leave you like this."

I lie down, rest my head in Jase's lap, and let him console me. I listen to him and Kimber talk about everything while Jase answers all of her questions. I don't say anything. I just lie there until the tears dry up and I have nothing left in me. I never thought I could feel as low as I do right now. I didn't think it was possible, but I feel like the depths of my despair can't sink any lower. If ever I wanted to lose myself and disappear, it's right now. I'm so empty and nothing Jase or Kimber can do or say could take away the stabbing pain inside me.

When Jase leaves, Kimber takes me into her room, and I crawl into her bed. I tell her I can smell Ryan on my sheets, and she goes into my room, grabs all of my bedding, and tosses a load into the washer. When she comes back, she lies down with me like we used to do and pulls the sheets over us, hugging me from behind. I've missed this, having her, my best friend, my sister.

These past two weeks have been such a daze. I'm miserable. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I try to keep myself consumed with school, but I can't even focus. Ryan calls me every day, and each time he does, it's just a reminder of how alone I am. I can't even read his texts. I delete them as soon as they come through. When Jase went over there to get my belongings last week, he came back and suggested that I talk to Ryan. But I know there is nothing he could possibly say to lessen this pain. I gave him everything I had to give. I bared it all to him, and the whole time he was lying to me. I feel so betrayed and so used. And the most sickening part of it all is that I still love him. I hate myself for that. I don't know what's wrong with me; I don't understand how I can still feel this way about him after everything.

Mark and Jase still talk to him and see him. I told them that I understand. After all, Mark's band plays at his bar. I can't expect them to not be his friend. But I've been keeping my distance from them because I can't help but feel hurt at the same time.

When Roxy kept asking about Ryan and why she hadn't seen him around, I just didn't have the energy to deal with it, so I quit. I know it was a total overreaction, but all I really want to do is escape from everything. I'm trying hard to be strong and put the pieces back together, but Ryan didn't leave me with pieces—he left me with ashes.

Since I no longer have anything aside from dance to distract me on the weekends, I'm home alone most of the time. Kimber is at her parents' this weekend. She wanted me to come with her, but just the thought of pretending to be happy around her family was enough to exhaust me. Jase called earlier to try and get me out of the house, but I told him I wasn't feeling well. I know he didn't believe me, but I don't care.

He's worried that I'm not taking care of myself, and I guess he should be. I know I look awful. It's only been two weeks and my clothes are all loose on me, but I can't rid my stomach of the knots that consume it. Ms. Emerson has been riding my ass again, and I know I need to pull it together and quick because our production is a mere two weeks away.

When the doorbell rings, I drag myself to the door. I look out the living room window, and I can't swallow against the lump in my throat when I see Ryan's black Rubicon. Leaning my head against the door, I say, "Go away."

"You won't return any of my calls, babe. Please, let me talk to you."

I turn away and start walking back to my room when I hear a key slide into the lock and then the door opening.

Snapping back to face the door, I yell, "What are you doing?!"

"Jase gave me a key."

"Ass," I mumble under my breath. "Ryan, please go. I don't want to talk."

"I can't
not
talk to you. It's killing me."

"It's killing
you
? What about me?" I can barely get the words out over the sob that starts to threaten. "Ryan, I can't do this. I can't even look at you. Please, just go."

"I can't stand to see you like this."

"Then go! I will do almost anything to make you leave."

"Just let me talk to you. Please, babe, just let me talk."

"Fine, say whatever you need to say, then leave me alone."

He motions for me to sit on the couch and when I do, he sits next to me. I can't control the tears that free fall down my cheeks. Seeing his face and being next to him is too much for me. If I had never loved him so much, then he never would have had the power to destroy me like he did. More than anything, I want to cling to him, but I don't. I know I can't ever allow anyone to get that close to me again. I can't give another person the power to hurt me like he did.

"I'm worried about you," he says as he looks me in the eyes.

I turn my head so I don't have to look at him. "Don't."

"When was the last time you've eaten?"

"Ryan, don't. Just say what you need to say."

He reaches for my hand, but I pull it away as he says, "I love you. I know you don't believe me, but I do. No one has ever affected me the way you do, babe. I swear to you...I swear I didn't know. I didn't, Candace. Not at first." When I hear his voice crack, I look up at him and see the tears that fill his eyes, and I have to look back down.

"When I saw you at the coffee shop I thought it was you. I thought you were
that
girl. But then I kept thinking, 'What are the chances?' I didn't know because you looked so different than from that night. And then I found out that you were friends with Mark. Every time I saw you, I felt myself being drawn to you in a way I've never felt before. I had myself convinced that my head was playing games with me, and I honestly did not think you were that girl. It wasn't until I saw your tattoo when we were in bed. That's when I knew. When I found that girl, I saw her tattoo—
your
tattoo."

"Ryan, please," I whimper, but he doesn't stop.

"When I saw it, I broke. I didn't want you to be her. I had already fallen so hard in love with you and realizing that it was you fuckin' killed me. Everything started making sense to me. How scared you always were with me when we first met, how afraid you were when I tried to touch you. Everything made sense. But, I didn't know how to tell you. And then you told me you loved me, and I know how hard that was for you. I just couldn't hurt you," he says, now crying.

"But you did. You lied to me. I let you see all the parts of me that weren't pretty, but you knew all along. And when I finally opened up to you, you already knew." Lowering my head into my hands, I cry. I cry hard. "You let me give everything to you. You had to have known that you couldn't hold on to that secret forever. I would've eventually found out, and you still let me fall for you like I did. I feel so stupid and used, like you just felt sorry for me or pitied me."

"I never pitied you, babe. I have only ever loved you. I just didn't want to hurt you."