The Fear and Anxiety Solution (9 page)

Babies or small children still exhibit this healthy instinct. It shows up in their boundless ability to express emotions without restraint the moment they’re born. As they grow up, this natural response of freely releasing emotions is no longer appreciated, and it’s discouraged by adults. Little boys are told to toughen up and stop crying. As a friend of mine said, “Once they hit kindergarten, they often adopt these blank expressions so as not to betray their emotions. They stand with their hands in their pockets, little tough guys. It’s heartbreaking.” Little girls also work very hard on not being perceived as oversensitive cry babies to avoid being teased or rejected. In school, children quickly learn that unless they sit still and suppress the sudden impulses to get up or speak up, they will have to face unpleasant consequences. Very early in their lives, they come to understand that it’s no longer appropriate to express or even notice emotions. To be accepted and fit in, they must learn how to squelch and suppress their feelings.

Wouldn’t you agree that at least some of this pressure to emotionally conform also affected you? And isn’t it also true that as an adult you try to hide emotions such as anxiety or worries? Maybe it’s because you believe that to express them would be seen as a sign of weakness or that nobody would like to listen to your worries and fears. Maybe you decided to not think about your doubts so that you wouldn’t give them more attention. There are countless reasons to avoid feeling and expressing fear and anxiety, but the outcome remains the same: you build up a backlog of unresolved emotional energy.

You’re probably asking yourself now, “Why is it so important to attend to and release these old emotions? Shouldn’t I focus on the present and the future?” I agree that spending too much time in the past can prevent us from fully experiencing the present. However, think of the energy it takes to suppress those emotions, to shove them down. It’s like pushing on a coiled spring—the harder you press, the greater the force of the spring that’s trying to bounce back at you. All this unresolved emotional baggage depletes your energy, weighs you down, makes you feel powerless, and can lead to severe physical problems. By releasing this stored anxiety, you’re not only freeing yourself from an emotional burden, you’re also recalibrating your subconscious mind, which allows you to be more flexible and resourceful in choosing your emotional responses.

How do we get rid of stored fear and anxiety? In the next chapters, you will go through several processes that will allow you to easily and effectively release emotional baggage and create a clean slate on the subconscious and cellular levels.

Self-limiting, unsupportive core beliefs are possibly the most important and, at the same time, most underrated causes of fear and anxiety. In general, core beliefs act as our personal laws of the universe. They shape how we view and feel about ourselves and the world, and they determine the choices we make and actions we take. The foundation of our core beliefs can be either our most powerful internal resource or our highest obstacle.

Our lives are constantly affected by our core beliefs, even though we don’t necessarily know what those beliefs are about. I’ve heard many clients proclaim that they don’t really have a limiting belief; they just
know
that things never work out for them, that nobody can be trusted, or that they always will be alone. Many of our core beliefs were anchored in our subconscious mind before we entered adolescence. During these early years, our subconscious mind is on a mission to figure out who we are and what our world is about. Experiences and imprints are collected by the subconscious, sorted according to their patterns and commonalities, and eventually assembled to form an understanding of the world and how to navigate in it. Just like we assemble the seemingly unrelated pieces of a jigsaw puzzle to reveal the whole picture, our subconscious takes the pieces of information it has available to form a picture of our reality that explains the past, helps us function in the present, and predicts the future. As these pieces are put together, core beliefs are formed.

In accordance with the prime directives of the subconscious, our set of core beliefs is designed to keep us safe and to help us experience pleasure. Depending on our early imprints, these beliefs may place a stronger emphasis on either safety or enjoyment.

Usually, we don’t consciously choose our core beliefs. Instead, they are largely based on other peoples’ beliefs or how we interpreted their actions. Here’s an example. When I was eleven years old, right before I was about to enter the
gymnasium,
the German equivalent of high school, my family went on vacation to southern France. I was cheerfully playing on a sandy beach when my parents solemnly approached me to let me know that my former teacher considered me “a late bloomer.” At first the news didn’t bother me because I was having so much fun and didn’t know what a late bloomer was (which in itself probably was a sign that I was one). But later, when my parents and I talked about it more, I understood that my teacher had expressed serious doubts about whether I was even smart enough to succeed in the
gymnasium.
I’m still grateful that
my parents didn’t fully buy into this teacher’s limiting beliefs of my intelligence and sent me to high school anyway. However, I also felt their worries—and their pressure when I actually came home with my first D in math.

For what seemed an eternity, their scolding, threats, and lectures told me that I was doomed for the rest of my life if I didn’t get better grades. It was pretty painful and scary. Looking back now, I realize that before that time, I used to be a happy-go-lucky, daydreaming, savor-the-moment kid. Nothing seemed too dangerous or serious to me (especially not school), and the world was full of adventures and possibilities for fun. This set of core beliefs was quickly replaced by “You need to work harder than others, because you’re not smart enough.” My parents had only good intentions and wanted to make sure that I didn’t fail in life. However, as I picked up their worries and doubts about me, I became very stressed and anxious. I couldn’t sleep before exams, and despite excellent grades I continued to question my intelligence.

Two doctor titles and many other plaques on my wall later, I finally realized that I couldn’t outrun or outsmart this limiting belief. This is when I learned how to communicate with my subconscious mind to deprogram a belief that no longer had any validation or truth for me.

“I am an anxious person” and “I am not good enough” are two of the most common fear- and anxiety-driven limiting beliefs. Like other limiting beliefs, they lead to a tunnel-vision perspective of yourself and the world. Anxiety and insecurity become the basis for your identity and the way you perceive reality. To let go of any limiting belief, you need to release your attachments to your old identity. It may seem safe, or at least familiar, to believe that you’re not good enough or that you’re unable to change. But the truth is, as long as you’re invested in the idea that these beliefs determine who you are, your inner foundation remains very fragile and the size of your world confined and limited.

• • •

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, the great mystic and spiritual teacher, wrote, “When fear comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, ‘I am not fear’ and see the difference. Immediately you’ve caught the very root of fear. It is no more nourished. You feed these emotions by being identified with them.” The processes described in this book provide you with the opportunity to peel off the layers of inner conflicts, stored fear and anxiety, and limiting beliefs that have kept
you identified with these emotions and prevented you from realizing your true nature and accessing your untapped power.

Just the thought of letting go of old, familiar ways can bring up strong resistance. The path into unknown territory can appear more frightening than staying stuck. “Who will I be if I’m no longer afraid? What if nobody likes the person I become?” Don’t worry. I have never encountered anyone who, after breaking through fear and anxiety, was eager to go back. Changing is much the same as blowing up a balloon—the resistance is the greatest right at the beginning, when you have to blow hardest to get the balloon out of its deflated state. When its shape is more rounded, it’s much easier to fill with some additional air. As with filling the balloon, the first move from the anxious and insecure state of mind requires the most energy and commitment. This is why it’s so important to have strong reasons to want to change and to have goals that lead your focus beyond the problem; the next chapter will help you determine your reasons for change and set your goals.

A
S I HELPED
countless people break through their external and internal obstacles, I found that success directly correlates to a person’s determination, commitment, and ability to stay focused on what lies beyond the obstacle. Architect Frank Lloyd Wright once said, “I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen.” This quote can be summarized in one word: motivation, the necessary driving force for any change. Only when you’re sufficiently motivated will you find the strength, flexibility, and endurance to truly overcome the barriers that block you from your goals. But how do you get motivated, and how do you stay that way? It all starts with making a clear choice about what you want and what you are no longer willing to accept.

Motivation is fueled by the reasons why it’s good for you to change. The better those reasons are, the more motivation you’ll have at your disposal. Because motivation is an emotional force and, therefore, largely generated by the subconscious, these reasons don’t need to make sense intellectually. They don’t even have to be reasonable.

There are two kinds of motivation:
away from (push)
and
toward (pull).
When you’re motivated to move toward a goal, you’re motivated by the positive aspects of reaching it. Why do you
want
to change? What makes you excited about this desired outcome?

Toward motivation keeps your intention
in tension.
Imagine a rubber band that you’ve attached to your future. The toward motivation pulls you forward and keeps you on track. The one downside or limitation of toward motivation is that, for some people, it does not seem to be sufficient to get them out of their stagnation. Either they can’t fully imagine what a positive and exciting change of themselves and their future could look like, or they believe that the gap between where they are now and where they want to be is too wide to bridge.

This is where the other force, the away-from motivation, comes in handy. The away-from motivation focuses on why you
need
to change. This inner force pushes you, rather than pulls you, toward your goal and is generated by your desire to avoid any kind of pain, physical or emotional. Anxiety in itself can function as an away-from motivation. You may have found that a certain amount of stress and anxiety is the reason you’ve been able to succeed, or to at least keep your head above water. A looming deadline, peer pressure, a demanding boss, an unhappy spouse, or financial challenges can all be strong forces motivating us to take action.

However, being motivated by what you want to avoid also has its severe shortcomings. I’m sure you’ve noticed that this away-from energy can be quickly draining and rather short-lived, resembling more the efforts needed for a sprint than a long-distance run. After you’ve successfully dodged the bullet and circumvented disaster, you may find yourself without the energy and real inclination to continue to move forward.

Procrastination is a classic example of this self-defeating pattern. You postpone and ignore the tasks at hand until the anxiety and pressure become unbearable, and then you explode into frantic action. As soon as that battle is over and your positive intentions to stay on top of things are smothered by exhaustion, you’re back to immersing yourself in the comfort of avoidance and denial—until the next explosion. As a physician working in a cardiology department, I noticed a similar phenomenon. After the shock of a first heart attack dissipated, many patients went back to a life of stress, fast food, and even cigarettes until acute chest pain forced them to pay us another visit. As a colleague of mine said, “Denial is the greatest risk factor for a second heart attack.”

None of us is exempt from this type of behavior. To some degree, we all have a tendency to stop taking care of ourselves, returning to old grooves as soon as the agony and discomfort that propelled us in the first place are gone and we feel better. Although it really doesn’t make sense to stop moving
forward and drop all the positive resolutions, efforts, and habits that got us to where we want to be, this form of self-induced regression is much more likely to happen if the progress and change were only motivated by the avoidance of pain and suffering.