The Fear and Anxiety Solution (7 page)

It boils down to a very fundamental question: what is a human being actually? Are we just an accumulation of cells controlled by neurotransmitters and hormones? Are our emotions, thoughts, and beliefs nothing but random biochemical and electrophysiological signals? Or are our minds and bodies, with all their connections and interactions, much more complex than that? And does what we call “consciousness” transcend far beyond our current scientific understanding? I believe the answer to both of the last questions is yes and that the human mind is simply unable to wrap itself consciously around its own complexity and vastness. To quote Albert Einstein, “Do you remember how electrical currents and ‘unseen waves’ were laughed at? The knowledge about man is still in its infancy.”

I like to look at antianxiety drugs as a form of emotional painkiller. The purpose of pain medication is not to mend the fracture or close the wound that causes the pain, but to make the time it takes to heal more tolerable. It would be denial or plain ignorance if you would drown out the pain without tending to its root causes. If fear and anxiety are like physical pain, then their natural purpose must be to call your attention to the deeper emotional and mental wounds they are caused by. What if tending to these inner wounds—whether they are unresolved traumas, self-sabotaging patterns, or limiting beliefs—could lead
to greater peace, wholeness, and self-empowerment? Would it still be enough for you to just fix and get rid of fear and anxiety? Or would you want to take advantage of their true meaning, heal yourself from the inside out, and gain access to your true potential? This is what I call the healing power of fear and anxiety. As you’re moving step by step through this book, bridging the conscious with the subconscious and higher consciousness, you will learn how to address fear and anxiety and take advantage of their healing power.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take antianxiety medication or can’t work on the deeper root causes of fear and anxiety while you’re on it. Taking medication can be a first empowering step. Just don’t let it be the entire journey.

One final note on this subject—something taught to me by my father, who was a truly amazing physician. To paraphrase him: “Remember, it’s the patient who does the healing, not the doctor or the drugs.” Our potential to heal is much greater than we believe or have been led to believe. In fact, the power of belief is a major key. Clinical studies have shown that placebos, sugar pills without medicinal value, can significantly reduce moderate depression and anxiety.
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So just believing that you will feel better can be as effective as using a drug that is designed to alter your brain chemistry. Imagine what is possible when you apply the same trust and belief in your own power to heal, change, and thrive.

I
T HAPPENS QUITE
often: clients come to me with one specific problem they want to overcome and soon realize that their real issue is something more profound and fundamental. Judy, a successful graphic designer in her midfifties, wanted to let go of the growing anger she’d harbored toward her father for many years. Throughout her life, he’d been neglectful, unavailable, and selfish. After he retired, he entertained himself mainly with drinking and gambling, which enraged Judy even more. Because nothing that she did or said to her father seemed to make a difference, her frustration and resentment increasingly occupied her thoughts and drained her energy.

In our initial meeting, she assured me that, anger at her father aside, her life was going really well, and there was nothing to complain about. Thirty minutes into the session, she realized that her anger was just a cover for a deep-seated anxiety and sadness. Throughout her childhood she’d felt ignored, hurt, and rejected by her father, which left her with the core belief that she was unlovable and just not good enough.

As a teenager, Judy rebelled. She skipped school and experimented with drugs and sex, which only led to further punishment and neglect by her father. Her first husband, whom she married in her early twenties, was emotionally unavailable, and when he drank, which he often did, he became physically abusive. “It was as if I’d married my father,” she told me. The beatings and the marriage ended after five years, when Judy’s husband had for the first time turned his violent anger on their children, giving her the strength to finally leave him.

After the divorce, Judy became extremely ambitious, worked very hard, and was soon called Miss Overachiever by her friends and family. At first glance, you could say that she’d turned her life around. Yet her core beliefs of not being good enough still kept weighing her down. Judy admitted that for many years she’d felt stressed and anxious, often unable to fall asleep or turn off her mind. She compensated for her anxiety and insecurity by overextending herself at work, staying in the office longer than anyone else, and refusing to allow herself to relax or have fun—even on the weekends. Although she’d advanced to become a widely respected manager of an advertising company, she didn’t dare speak up during group meetings because she feared that nobody would really be interested in what she had to say.

When I asked Judy about her true passions, she broke into tears and sobbed, “I always wanted to be an artist, a painter. I know that I have talent, but I haven’t made the time to sit down and paint again. I think I’m worried that people won’t like my pictures, and I’ve never believed that I could do art just for myself, for my own pleasure.” This is when she realized that there was a much bigger and deeper issue she needed to deal with than the anger with her father.

Judy’s example shows how the experiences and imprints of our early years continue to influence and drive us although we might not be consciously aware of it. Look at the situations that caused you to be anxious and insecure during different stages in your life—from childhood all the way to the present. Do you notice that they have something in common? That they are not separate, unrelated events but share certain themes, patterns, and triggers that you responded to with the same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?

In Judy’s case, one of her major patterns was that she felt unworthy and insignificant when dealing with people who appeared more powerful, more capable, or smarter than she thought she was. Like most people, she merely knew how to ignore or cope with these patterns, rather than address their deeper-seated root causes. She felt safe and in control only when she worked harder than everybody else and denied herself any form of self-expression. Ultimately, these coping mechanisms caused her to feel even less empowered, less worthy, less safe—and more anxious. But rather than acknowledging her own problems, which she was too afraid to do, she focused on her anger toward her father, who admittedly had given her ample reasons to be upset with him.

Judy was able to recognize and break through the root causes of her anxiety and insecurity. Now she acknowledges herself as a very talented artist, paints
regularly with a group of friends, and is looking forward to exhibiting her work in an art gallery. By the way, as soon as Judy realized that she needed to find peace and love for herself, her anger toward her father completely disappeared, creating space for her to feel forgiveness and compassion for him.

When a tree continues to produce unripe or flavorless fruit, just polishing the fruit or coating it with sugar won’t really solve the tree’s problems. As T. Harv Eker, bestselling author of
Secrets of the Millionaire Mind,
likes to say, “The roots create the fruits. Which is why how we do anything is how we do
everything.
” Just like Judy, you’ve probably found out that working harder, finding a new job or partner, starting an exciting hobby, or getting angry at somebody else didn’t provide you with real, permanent solutions for your anxiety patterns. Why? One factor never really changed—you. A wise person once said, “Wherever you go, there you are.” So how can you really change and attend to the roots of your anxiety? The answer resides in your subconscious mind.

Your subconscious may seem to be an obscure and rather scary part of your mind that is out of your control, causes you a lot of trouble, and therefore isn’t trustworthy. You may place your trust in your intellectual and analytical capabilities and be unaware of the enormous potential that resides within this deeper part of your consciousness.

The relationship between the conscious and the subconscious mind has been compared to an iceberg; the tip (the conscious state) is above the surface and the massive bulk (the subconscious) is underneath. The conscious mind is the seat of cognitive learning and is responsible for our awareness in the waking state—thinking analytically, creating logical order, wondering about cause and effect, and asking “why” and “how” to arrive at rational conclusions. The conscious mind makes choices based on facts and directs the body to move.

The subconscious mind usually operates beneath our normal consciousness. One of its major functions is to
filter and interpret
the vast amount of information surrounding us and feed the conscious mind only the tiny fractions that seem relevant for our safety and well-being. It does this for a good reason. Consciously, we can compute only small amounts of information at one time, but subconsciously, we can keep tabs on our surroundings, pick up subtle cues from others, and notice small external and internal changes—all without our conscious awareness. For example, we’re able to feel someone staring at us or
see a friend and sense right away, without exchanging a word, that something is wrong. Important aspects of our perception, such as first impressions, chemistry, or intuition, are not based on logical considerations but stem from the input of our subconscious.

Another important task of the subconscious mind is
creating emotions,
which it often does without the input of the conscious mind. This explains why emotions can appear so irrational, inappropriate, and out of control. On your way to work on Monday morning, you’re sure that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed; everything and everybody irritates you. But by lunchtime, even though nothing external has changed, you’re in a splendid mood and whistling your favorite tune. Or, you suddenly feel anxious before a second date—not just a little bit nervous, but heading toward full-scale panic mode. The intensity of the feeling doesn’t make sense to you, especially since you had such a blast on your first date with that person.

Another task of the subconscious mind is
filing and storing all our memories.
Just take a moment and think about the bedroom you grew up in. Do you remember the color of the walls or what was on your bed? Since you probably haven’t thought about this room in some time, you’ll have to access the information from the place it has been stored. To prevent our conscious mind from being overloaded with too much data, our subconscious keeps most memories out of our awareness until we consciously reach for them.

To protect us, the subconscious mind also
suppresses memories
that appear too emotionally overwhelming or damaging. Many people who were abused in their childhood don’t remember what happened until, when they are adults, something triggers a specific memory, which brings the abuse to the conscious surface. Amnesia after an accident is another example of the subconscious mind’s supportive and kind mechanism.

Emotions and memories are stored not just in our subconscious mind; they’re also transferred into our cells. Some clients have told me that they first became aware of their stored emotions during a massage, acupuncture, or chiropractic treatment. Sadness, anger, or fear spontaneously rose to the surface without any conscious thoughts acting as triggers. Other clients shared that while receiving bodywork they suddenly remembered a traumatic memory they’d suppressed since childhood. Once fear and anxiety are stored in our body they can cause serious physical problems such as chronic pain, high blood pressure, heart disease, and autoimmune disorders. These physical challenges can be viewed as a
sort of wake-up call—communication from the subconscious mind informing us that it’s time to address unresolved emotional issues. For many of the individuals I have worked with, physical complaints have been the starting point of their emotional and mental healing journeys.

The subconscious mind doesn’t only use the body as a convenient storage place or communication device. It also masterfully
oversees and coordinates the body’s several trillion cells,
so they’re working seamlessly together and can continuously adapt to rapidly changing conditions. Just imagine how impossibly tedious it would be to consciously regulate your breathing, heart rate, liver function, or digestion. Even relatively simple tasks like walking or lifting your arm require the precisely coordinated flexing and relaxing of more than a dozen different muscles. While the conscious mind gives the executive order to take a step or raise an arm, it’s your subconscious mind that translates these simple commands into their complex details.