The Fine Line (24 page)

His fingers rubbed his eyes, and a sniff came from his nose.  As angry as I was, and as hurt as I felt, I hated seeing him like this.  But I couldn’t help how I felt.  And I felt betrayed.  Still, no matter what happened, the connection between us would never go away.  I could barely resist the urge to comfort him, and I wanted him to comfort me.

I watched him as he remained silent, blanketed in devastation.  Without thought, I took his hand from his thigh and laced my fingers in his.  He turned to me with those deep, beautiful, hazel, tearful eyes, and we stared at each other for a moment before he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around my body, resting his forehead on my neck. 

Our time was done.  It was time for goodbye. 

We held each other quietly for several minutes, and then he looked up into my eyes as he brought his hand to my face, slowly brushing my cheek with his thumb.

“Please say it’s not over.  It can’t be over,” he breathed.

I wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear.  I wanted to kiss him and hold him forever, but he had just been with that girl who was still in his apartment.  He placed his forehead on mine and brought his hand behind my neck, evoking my tears which escaped even though I was trying so desperately to hold them back.  Then I forced myself to pull away, causing an expression of anguish in his beautiful face.

“We need some time,” I whispered.  I kissed his forehead, savoring the feeling of his warm skin on my lips for a moment.  Then with all the strength I had, I let go.  I took one last look into his broken eyes, then turned to face the dashboard and put both hands on the steering wheel. 

“Goodbye, Logan.”  I stared straight ahead, forcing every resistant muscle in my body to remain still.

“Liv, no.  Don’t leave it like this.”  He reached out and placed his hand on my arm.  I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.

“Please don’t touch me,” I whispered as I closed my eyes.  More tears fell quietly down my cheeks.  It was taking all my strength not to break down completely. 

I felt his eyes on me, but I didn’t flinch.  My eyelids remained shut as I waited.  Several moments passed. 

“You told me you love me,” he said as if he had just realized it.

I do love you.

“Love isn’t enough,” I took a breath for strength.  “Please get out of my car.”

“I’m so sorry, Liv.  You need to know that I love you.  Nothing will ever change that.”

He waited for a reaction, but I was too wounded and stubborn to give one.  How could I ever get past him and Chloe being in the same bed together when he was supposed to love
me
?  None of this made sense to me.

Finally, he opened the door and stepped out.  I watched through the rearview mirror as he headed toward the building.  Once he reached the door, he turned around, facing my car.  After a moment, he opened the door and disappeared into the building. 

I left the parking lot and drove for several blocks until my heart began to pound so hard in my throat that I thought it would explode.  Despite the cold, I felt as though I were having a hot flash.  I couldn’t catch my breath as the dread for what would happen next flooded my thoughts. 

I parked the car by the curb trying to prepare myself for the feeling that had been waiting for years to consume me again.  I put the car in park and waited, knowing it was about to happen at any moment. 

Finally, it struck.

I watched my hands bang on the steering wheel and heard my voice cry out.  It became even more difficult to breathe as the sobbing started and my face became drenched in tears.  I thought about how incredible it felt, sleeping in his arms…less than twenty-four hours ago, and I became overwhelmed by the loss of him.  It’s funny how life can completely change in an instant.  It was over.  I would never get to have that feeling again.  My best friend…the one true love of my life…was gone.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Just when I thought I had been able to hold myself together long enough to get home, I thought about the look on Logan’s face when Chloe came out, and another wave of agony crashed into me at full force. I had to pull the car over again.  With my hands covering my face, I released the cries that begged to escape. Then, I thought about the look in his eyes the first time he told me he loved me, and the grief that had already consumed me became even more unbearable. 

My hand reached to the glove compartment, and my fingers pulled it open.  Melody always left an extra stash of cigarettes in my car, just in case.  I grasped the package, taking a lighter and one slim white roll out of it. 

I hated smoking.  I had never done it and never wanted to do it.  The thought of it disgusted me thoroughly.  But I needed to do something to get rid of this stabbing pain in my heart.  And in this moment of collapse, my mind could not come up with a better idea than to divert the pain to my lungs.

With conviction, I placed the filter in my mouth and lit the other end.  My chest constricted the moment I inhaled, and I immediately hacked out several long, raspy coughs. 

That was a horrible idea. 

I opened my window and threw the lit cigarette out of it.  Then I proceeded to snatch the rest of the cigarettes out of the package, opened my door, and crushed them to tiny little pieces onto the road.  I wheezed in and out, still trying to catch my breath.  I was terrified I would never breath normally again, and my mouth tasted like an ashtray. 

Good, I’m thinking about something else.

Moving the gear to the ‘drive’ position, I pulled out onto the road and finished my ride home.  It was a short drive, but by the time I arrived in my driveway, my body was drowning in exhaustion.  All I wanted to do was sleep. 

My keys jingled as I unlocked the front door.  Once inside, I headed straight to my room with the intention of dropping onto my bed, but just before I did, my eyes caught a pink stamped envelope on top of the comforter.  I took it in my hands and looked at the return address. 

Dad’s annual apology.

I already knew what it said.  The cards had been getting less and less personal every year, yet the dollar amount of the check inside kept increasing.  By this time, the message inside probably said something along the lines of
“Hope you have a good birthday”
or something equally generic.  The last three cards included some form of
“Sorry I didn’t get a chance to see you this year.  Love, Your Father.”
 

He didn’t even call himself “Dad.”  I didn’t care about his stupid card or his stupid check.  I let out one sarcastic chuckle before ripping the card in two and throwing it across my room.  I didn’t even know the man.  The thought of accepting his apology or his money repulsed me.

Letting my coat drop to the floor, I kicked off my shoes and collapsed onto my bed, immediately falling into a state of unconsciousness

Chapter Twenty-Six

“Piece.  Of.  Shit-car!” I yelled as my palms slammed on the steering wheel.  I tried turning the key again for the fifth time and got nothing.  I’d have to deal with my car later; I needed to get to school.  Reaching into my coat pocket, I grasped my phone and dialed Melody’s number.

“What’s up girl?” she answered.

“Hey, my car won’t start.  Can I catch a ride to school with you?”

“Yeah, I’m actually leaving now.  I can be there in a few minutes.”

Thank God for Melody.  She was always there for me.  As promised, she arrived in less than five minutes.

Our morning ride to school was a quiet one.  In fact, I hadn’t said much of anything to anyone in the last week.  I barely remembered if the last few days even happened.  The time felt almost robotic.  I forced myself to go through the motions, but it was as though I were outside my body, controlling it from another place.  Sleep felt good, and my dreams were peaceful…  Mostly, they were of me and Logan, together…happy.  I wished I could sleep forever.

“C’mon, Liv.  You’ve got to snap out of it, girl,” Melody said as she parked her car in the lot at school.  “You’ve been walking around like a zombie all week.  It’s getting old.”

“I’m fine, Mel.  Really, it’s no big deal.”  She rolled her eyes and gave me a
“yeah, right”
glance so I tried to change the subject as I stepped out of the car.  “What are your plans with Nate tonight?” Today was their anniversary, and there was no doubt they would be spending it together.

“Not sure.  He’s going to surprise me.” She smiled at the thought, and I was happy for her.  They were good together…good to each other.  Logan and I used to be good to each other too.  A surge of pressure swept through my heart at the thought of just how good Logan and I used to be. 

*

The first half of the day dragged.  No matter how much I tried to focus on my teachers, school, or anything else for that matter, my mind kept wandering to that morning.

The last I heard from Logan was the text he sent to me the day I left him. 

Thank you for the gift.  It means everything to me.

I hadn’t received a call or text from him since then.  I didn’t expect to, but at the same time, I found myself constantly wondering why I hadn’t.  Despite the betrayal I felt, there was a small part of me that wanted to hear from him.  Come to think of it, there was a huge part of me that wanted to.  I missed him terribly.  I had never felt so empty before.  Never.

We hadn’t been apart for this long since we met.  Maybe he had finally given up on me.  Maybe he finally heard what I had been saying all along and decided there was no use in trying.  It was what I had been pushing him to do.  It was what he
should
do.  It was what I should do.  The thought of it, however, caused a wave of sadness to pass through my entire body. 

His persistence had given me hope.  Regardless of what I saw that morning, I wanted to believe that I was wrong.  He told me he didn’t remember anything.  A little voice in the far depths of my mind kept telling me that maybe nothing actually happened.  I wanted to believe he didn’t throw away what we had together.  I wanted to believe in
him.
 

A clicking noise distracted me, and my focus centered on Mel’s fingers snapping in front of my face. 

“Are you here, hon?” she asked from across the lunch table. The school cafeteria had begun to clear out as everyone headed to their next class.

“Huh?  Yeah.  What?”

“Have you heard anything that I’ve said at all?”

“I’m sorry, Mel.”  Tears began to prick my eyes. 
Crap, here it comes again.
  Ever since I let my guard down that fateful morning, I’ve been a hot mess.  Yesterday, I started crying in Spanish class, and the day before, it happened in Psych.  I’ve never been so freaking fragile in my life.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

She looked at me with compassion.  “Has he called yet?”

I shook my head.  The fact that he hasn’t called yet could only mean one thing.  I had been right about what I saw. 

“He will.  That boy loves you, Liv.”

Unable to speak, I nodded and pressed my lips together into a forced smile, as I kept the tears at bay.  I took a deep breath in through my nose as I stood up and looked at my tray full of uneaten food.  My appetite had become almost non-existent in the last week. 

Mel had no doubt been talking about her Christmas break plans during lunch.  Her parents were taking her and her brother to Costa Rica.  They were even letting her bring Nate, but he had to pay his own way.  As we walked out the cafeteria doors and into the hallway lined with lockers and other kids, it occurred to me how thoughtless it was that I had been ignoring her.  “I’m sorry, Mel.  I really want to hear all about it.  Did you say you’re going to swim with dolphins?”

She smiled and began telling me her itinerary.  I listened intently, as any good friend would, until my phone buzzed just as we reached our lockers.

“Why is Gavin calling me?” I interrupted her.

She shrugged, annoyed.

I put my phone to my ear.  “Gavin?”

“Hey.  Um.  Shit.  I don’t know how to tell you this.”

“How about you just say it,” I replied, irritated and a little amused.

“He’ll probably be pissed at me for telling you, but of all people, you should know.”

“Gavin?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell me why you’re calling.”

I heard him sigh into the phone.  “Logan’s locked up.”

My eyes widened as my mouth dropped open. 

Mel looked at me concerned.  “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head and began to get frantic.  “What happened?  Where is he?”

“He got busted at a race last night…Well, this morning.  Early.  Or late if you consider it last night.  I don’t know—I just woke up.  What time is it, anyway?”

“Gavin, just tell me what happened!”

“He should’ve just gotten the hell out of there.  They never would’ve caught him if he would’ve tried.”

“Gavin!  Start from the beginning.”

“The spotters didn’t see the cops in time.  Those bastards snuck up on us quick.  They came out of nowhere just after the race started, and they chased Logan right away.  He pulled right over.  Didn’t even try to get away.  Dumbass.” 

“Why is he in jail?  Why didn’t they just give him a reckless driving ticket or something?” 

“I don’t know.  I didn’t stick around to find out.”

“That’s shitty, Gavin!  You’re supposed to be his friend!”

“Hey, Logan’s one of my best friends, but I’m not getting busted for him.”

I let out a single sarcastic laugh. 
Unbelievable.
  “Where is he?”

“Downtown Police Department.  That’s what I would guess anyway.  He hasn’t called at all, so I’m thinking he’s probably still there.” 

“Meet me there in twenty minutes,” I demanded.

“No way.  I’m not going there.  They know me too, Liv.  Who knows what bullshit they’ll say to lock me up.  This is the Midwest, Liv.  There aren’t any laws around here that could’ve gotten him arrested for anything he did.  Reckless driving and speeding aren’t arrest-worthy.  They must’ve pulled something out of their asses.”