The Fine Line (26 page)

Devastated, I opened the door and exited the car.  He waited, idling in the driveway until I was safely in the house.  I watched through the living room window as his car slowly backed out to the road and rolled away down the street.  My ears strained until I could no longer hear the rumble. 

My body collapsed like dead weight onto the couch.  I thought about the feeling I had when I was with him.  Happiness.  The way he looked into my soul like nobody else ever could.  His strong arms around me.  His laugh.  Our intimate moments together.  How could I let that go? 

I felt myself creep into a mental state of despair that was more brutal than the misery I felt after my dad, Kevin, and Adam.  Suddenly I realized that I didn’t have a say with
them
.  I never had the opportunity to fight for what I wanted before, like I do now. And my only chance was slipping away.

My body shot up to a sitting position.  In an instant, I realized that the only thing that would prevent this hurt was being with Logan.  I no longer cared about Chloe.  I knew deep in my heart that she was nothing more than a mistake to him.  To me, she was just an excuse I was using to prevent the inevitable abandonment.  He didn’t love her; he loved me.  But the inevitable was happening anyway.  And it was all my fault. 

The fear of what
might
happen vanished.  All I wanted was to be where he was.  Even if it was brief, even if it ended tomorrow, I wanted to be with him as long as I possibly could.  The only thing that scared me was losing him now.  Maybe I could forgive him.  The least I could do was try.  I would regret it forever if I let him go like this.  

I'm such an idiot!

I had put him through so much already, I hoped it wasn’t too late.  I hoped he would forgive me.  Without another thought, I jumped up and impulsively ran out the door, grabbing my phone and car keys out of my coat pocket on the way out the door.  As I reached my car, with my fingers under the door handle, I stopped abruptly, as my heart stopped beating.  

My ears perked up to the sound of a low distant rumble.  A rumble that grew louder and deeper with every passing second.  My head turned to face the road in anticipation. A moment later, a canary yellow 1969 Ford Mustang pulled into my driveway.  A half-laugh, half-sob came out of me as Logan stepped out of it. 

“I still love you!” I cried as he ran toward me with wet, bloodshot eyes and a panic stricken face.  “I’ve always loved you!  Please stay!”  

I thought he was going to pull me into a tight embrace, but instead, his strong hands clutched my neck, eagerly pulling me close, and he linked his lips firmly to mine, parting them a second later, deepening the kiss.   

Absolute euphoria erupted throughout every part of my body.  My skin burned and my heart pounded hard in my chest.  The fight in me was gone.  The cold winter air was replaced by the fire radiating from our skin.  Everything else in the world washed away, with each passing moment becoming more intense than the last. 

I slid my hands up his back and pulled him to me, although it still didn’t seem like I could ever get close enough.  He let out a muffled moan as I tried desperately to bring him closer.  He lifted me so that I had to wrap my legs around him, and I buried my eyes into his neck, squeezing them shut to stop the tears, as I clutched onto him.  He simply held me that way for several minutes.

“What are you doing?” I mumbled, keeping my face buried. “Why did you come back?” 

He lowered me back to the ground.  With an expression that could only be described as tortured, he stared intently at me.  "I can't leave you,” he admitted as though he couldn’t understand it.  “All I could think about was how wrong it felt.  I couldn't physically fucking do it because I'm scared to death of not having you in my life.  Not being around you in some capacity would be my own personal living hell.  I know I fucked up. And there’s nothing I can do to change what happened.  I’m so, so sorry.  I wish you could forgive me, and I know you shouldn’t, but I can’t fucking leave you.” 

His eyes filled with tears as his face crunched up in disgust at the thought of what he had done.  “Tell me what you need, Liv.  I promised you that I would do whatever I need to do to make you happy, and that will never change.  No matter what…Regardless of how you feel about me…I am always going to love you.” 

His profound, heartfelt words brought tears and laughter out of me at the same time.  “Just tell me you'll always be here.  With me," I pleaded, letting go of any trace of my stupid pride.  I pulled him tight to me and rested my head on his chest.  “Please don’t ever leave.”

He breathed a sigh of relief and held me close.  “Never.  I promise, Liv.  I'll never leave you."

“You won’t go to Miami?”

“Fuck no.”  He looked at me and gently brushed my hair behind my ear, as his bewildered gaze collided with my desperate one.  “Not without you.” 

Relief overcame me.  He wanted to be with me.  But as much as I wanted everything to be okay, I needed answers before I could completely turn a blind eye to the devastating incident that took place with Chloe less than a week ago.  I needed to be sure it would never happen again.

As he cupped his hand on my cheek, my teeth began to chatter.  My body could no longer take the below freezing temperature.  “My parents aren’t home…Do you want to come in for a while?” I asked.

He nodded, “Yeah.”

Logan followed me into the house and watched me closely as I removed my coat and rested it on one of the kitchen chairs.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked as I reached into the cupboard for a glass.

“No, I’m good,” he replied as I filled my glass with tap water.

“You can take your coat off if you want,” I said.

I peeked at him through the corner of my eye as I took a gulp of water.  His eyes were still on me.  I continued to drink as I watched him take off his coat.  His eyes didn’t leave mine once, not even when he hung it on the chair, on top of my coat.  He looked incredible, as usual, despite the dark circles around his eyes.  Before I knew it, my entire glass of water was gone, and I placed the empty glass on the countertop. 

“Thirsty?” he asked.  I wasn’t sure if he was teasing.  There was no hint of a smile in his expression. 

“Not really.  You’re just distracting me.” 
Why did I have to blurt out my thoughts like that?

He continued to watch me intensely, then followed me as I walked to the living room.  He sat down on the couch as I turned on the stereo.  After picking a good station, one that played blues music, I sat down on the opposite end of the couch.  If I was going to ask the tough questions, I needed to keep my bearings, which meant keeping some amount of distance between us.

“I want you to tell me what happened.”

He nodded as if he understood.  He stayed quiet as he looked down, deep in thought.  “I don’t fucking know what happened.” 

“What do you remember?  Logan, please.  I need this.  You have no idea how much I want to work this out with you, but I need you to tell me what happened.”

His eyes were filled with remorse and longing as he stared at me.  “I don’t want you to hate me.” 

I couldn’t bear the way he was looking at me.  He seemed so sad.  I instinctively slid across the couch, gently took his hand in mine, and rested my head on his shoulder.  “Please, just tell me what you remember.”

He tightened his grip on my hand as he exhaled.  “I was so pissed off at myself for what I said to you that night, Liv.  I was stupid to say I didn’t want to see you anymore because nothing could’ve been further from the truth.  I wanted…I
want
to see you every minute of every day.  I wasn’t thinking straight, and I thought that if I gave you an ultimatum, you would choose
me
.” 

“Logan, you didn’t give me a chance…”

“I know!”  He pulled me closed and kissed my forehead.  “I know that now.  And I know I was being a control freak.  And I know when someone tells you to do something, you do the opposite.  I was just so damn jealous, I wasn’t thinking straight.”

I pulled away slightly, causing the look of remorse in his eyes to intensify.  He took a deep breath and continued.  “When I couldn’t find you, I went back to my apartment, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how I had royally fucked everything up.  I was pretty damn sure you would never forgive me for letting you go like that.  I don’t know what happened to you, Liv, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you don’t let people in.  I knew I lost my shot with you.  And I hated myself for it.  I grabbed a bottle of Jack, took it to my room, stripped down to my boxers and started drinking.  It didn’t take long to pass out after that.”

“You didn’t call Chloe?”

“Not that I remember.” 

“Well then, why was she there?”

“Fuck if I know.”

“Logan!  Stop being so vague.  You have to remember something.”

“I remember going to bed.  I
know
I didn’t wake up until morning.  After you left that morning, I asked her how she got in and she told me the door was unlocked.  She let herself in, Liv.  I wouldn’t forget fucking someone.”

His words placed hope in my heart.  I remembered him saying that he had called everyone that night to try to find me…maybe Chloe heard about our falling-out and used it as an opportunity.  But remorse still remained fastened in Logan’s eyes.  There was more to hear.  “What happened when you woke up?”

He sighed, then rubbed his forehead.  Whatever he was thinking was causing him some serious stress. 

“Please be honest with me,” I whispered. 

When he looked at me, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. 

“I thought she was you,” he said.

Oh God.

His eyes glossed over and as he looked down, a single drop fell from his right eye.  “I woke up hung-over, and I didn’t open my eyes right away.  Her back was on my chest and my arm was around her.  I thought you had come back to me.  I said ‘I love you’ thinking it was you, and then you…she…turned around and kissed me.”

I completely pulled away from him this time.  I didn’t want to hear anymore, but I had to know.  “How far did you go?”  I couldn’t hide the hurt in my voice.

“Not far, I swear.  I knew something wasn’t right the second I woke up.  She didn’t feel good like you do.  She didn’t smell like you.  She didn’t taste like you.  Fuck, I wanted it to be you so bad, Liv, that I didn’t realize right away that it wasn’t.  I’m so sorry.”

The thought of him tasting her nauseated me.  But I was intent on staying strong.  “All you did was kiss her.  And you thought it was me.”

With a disgusted look on his face, he thought for a moment.  “Not according to her.” 

“Oh.”  My heart sank deep into my stomach.  “Well, what happened according to you?”

He urgently took my hand.  “Nothing.  Even though I don’t remember anything, I know nothing happened because drunk or not, I know I would never do anything like that to you.  I love you too much.  You’re the only one I want.  Hurting you in that way would kill me.  But I have no idea how she got into my bed, or why she’s saying what she’s saying, and I have no way to prove to you that nothing happened.” 

His stared at me with hope.  He was asking me to trust him.  Even though I didn’t know if I could trust him, there was a possibility that nothing happened with Chloe.  And the strong bond that we have was too important to me to throw away, over something that may not have even happened.  He wanted me to trust that he wouldn’t have thrown it away either.

I released his hand and stood up as I tried to sort the jumbled mess of thoughts in my mind.  I rubbed my forehead.  “I don’t know what to think, Logan.” 

He rested his elbow on the arm of the couch and rested the temple of his head on his knuckle.  “I don’t blame you.  You have every right to feel that way.”

His somber eyes made me want to tell him everything would be okay.  But trust wasn’t natural to me.  And I didn’t know if I could give him my trust after everything that had happened.

“I just don’t know how to make this work,” I said, frustrated.  Needing a minute alone to think, I turned to walk toward the bathroom.  Just before I entered the hallway, the familiar B.B. King song came on the stereo, stopping me immediately.  It was the same song used for his ringtone on my phone.  The one that played in his car the first night I fell asleep in his apartment and I was instantly taken back to that very time and place.  That was the night I realized that he wasn’t like other boys.  The night he became the exception.

It was the night I fell in love with him.  

Something clicked inside of me.  I needed to follow my heart.  And my heart was sitting on the couch, miserable for something that didn’t happen. 

Nothing happened.

I didn’t need any proof; I just knew.  Without a doubt, I was sure of it. 

Another epiphany.

I turned around to face him.  With a mixture of confusion and hope, he lifted his head off his knuckle and cocked his head to the side.  I smiled as the weight on my shoulders disappeared. His eyes widened slightly as one corner of his mouth turned up. 

I walked back to him and held my hand out.  “Dance with me.”

He cautiously took my hand and stood.  He didn’t say anything, and neither did I.  He slowly took my lower back and gently pulled me close.  With one hand on his back, and the other hand holding his, I rested my head on his chest. 

His heartbeat pounded hard in my ear.  I took a deep breath in through my nose.  I had missed his touch, his beautiful scent.  My entire body relaxed as he let go of my hand and wrapped his arms around me.  His arms were home.  Nothing felt better than his strong, comforting arms around me.  We slowly stepped back and forth, continuing to hold each other through the end of the song.  Then through the next song.  Then the next one.

“I believe you,” I whispered.

He pulled his head back slightly.  “What did you say?”

I looked into his perfect eyes.  “I said I believe you.  I believe that you love me.  I believe that you wouldn’t hurt me like that.  I trust you, Logan.”