The Fine Line (23 page)

My head dropped down as I leaned over with my hands on the counter, waiting for the Tylenol and hydration to take the edge off.  Unbeknownst to my mother, a few of the pub patrons had offered me drinks last night, and I had happily accepted them.  Now I wish I hadn’t.

Suddenly, a snore that could wake the dead came from down the hall, which caused me to snort out a laugh.  There was only one person who snored like that.  I had no idea how my mother could sleep next to that noise every night.  My mind drifted to last night, when I had said goodnight to her and Jeff after bar close, just before they crashed in the bedroom and I crashed on the couch. 

What time was it now?  I searched my coat pockets for my phone, but I couldn’t find it.  After searching the couch cushions, I found out that it wasn’t there either.  I sat back down and stared at the bright, empty room. 

I took the napkin from the floor and read the scribbles on it. 

Morning clarity:  What would you do if fear didn’t exist? I mean it.  Stop thinking.  Listen to your heart.

Love, Mom

(over)

I flipped it around.

P.S. Take a day off from cleaning.  Jeff and I can handle it today.

Resting my head on the backrest of the couch, my headache began to subside, and I started to think about what Logan said last night. 
“Why would you want to go out with someone else?”
  I mentally kicked myself for being so incredibly stupid.  I had been forcing myself to do something I had absolutely no interest in doing, just to prove a worthless point.  He was right.  I was too stubborn to see that my actions were hurting him.  My stomach flipped at the realization that I had made a terrible mistake.

I began to think about the excitement I felt when Logan smiled at me.  How peaceful it felt to walk with him arm in arm.  How easy it was to just be around him without having to force conversation.  How comforting it felt when we laid together, his arms wrapped around me while I rested my head in the nook of his shoulder, listening to the pounding of his heartbeat on my ear.  His scent.  The electricity of his touch and the way he could look into my eyes and see right through to my bare soul. 

Being around him brought me a sense of peace and exhilaration at the same time.  He was the only one who truly knew me…He had seen my bad side, and he still loved me…until last night. 

What had I done?  I ruined everything.  His love was unconditional, and I had pushed it away.  It became difficult to breathe as the boulder in my throat grew.  My eyes burned as I tried to hold back the tears.

My gaze wandered back to my mother’s note.  I was tired of fighting.  I needed to make a decision.  My eyes closed as I breathed in and made a deliberate choice to let my guard down.  It was the only way there would be any possibility of getting Logan back.

Almost immediately, as my eyes shot open, everything changed.  Having him back was the only thing I wanted.  Having him in my life was the only thing that mattered.  It was as though I had finally seen a shining light that had been shielded from me for years.  It was a slap in the face, a light bulb going off in my head; someone had shaken some sense into me. 

I wanted him.  I wanted to be with him, and I would do whatever it took to make it work.  I never had an epiphany before.  It was a strange, foreign feeling to just know…to be so sure of something and not have any doubts.  Logan and I have an intense, blissful connection that people search for their entire lives for.  I would be an idiot to let that go.  To let him go.  My only fear was that I realized it too late. 

The need to talk to him became unbearable.  I needed to touch him and see his face when I told him how I truly felt. 

I put my coat on and headed out the door.  The only two cars left in the parking lot were mine and my parents’.  As I opened my car door, my eye caught my phone laying on the passenger seat, and I reached for it as I closed the door behind me.  It read 7:24AM.  What in the name of Jesus was I doing up so early? 
Ah, yes, the snoring…

To my complete shock, my phone was flooded with missed calls, texts, and voicemails from Logan.  I cried happy tears when I retrieved them.  In about a million different ways, he told me he made a mistake.  Before this moment, apologies were worthless to me.  But Logan was different.  We had something special.  And I wanted to believe him. 

The keys jingled as I turned them in the ignition.  His apartment wasn’t far.  I would make it there in ten minutes.  When I arrived, I was elated to see his Mustang parked in the lot.  Since the shop was closed on Sundays, the majority of the lot was empty, with only one other car there which was parked next to his. 

I opened the trunk of my car to retrieve his birthday present.  A day after the dinner with his mother and sister, I had contacted them for an idea I had for his gift.  Together, we all sorted through his father’s John Wayne memorabilia and created a shadowbox with some of the smaller items we found and placed the picture of him and Logan in the middle. 

Walking to the side door of the shop, I could barely contain the exhilaration I felt as I thought about what an incredible weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My finger pushed the annoying buzzing button, and I waited.  After a while, I buzzed it again.  Finally, the door opened.  When Logan’s eyes met mine, an expression of confusion and sadness came over him.

“Liv…What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Happy Birthday.”  I took a few steps forward, letting myself in, then placed his gift on the floor against the hallway wall as he closed the door behind me.  I took his hand, pulling him close, then wrapped my arms around his body, placing my head on his chest and held on like I never wanted to let go.  His scent brought me a feeling of peace.  His touch sparked a light inside my soul.  His heart pounded hard on my ear.  After a moment, I broke the silence.

“You are my best friend,” I confessed as I held him.  Then I pulled my head off his chest and brought my palms to his face, looking into those beautiful hazel eyes, with my lips inches from his, and whispered, “I love you, Logan…I am in love with you…”  I took a long, deep breath in.  “Letting you go would be the biggest regret of my life.”

His eyes closed, his head dropped and his shoulders sunk down as if all the air had left his body.  He looked up at me with pleading, glazed over eyes.  The look of sadness was still there but much more intense. 

Why is he sad?  He should be happy.

“Liv,” he whispered as tears welled in his eyes, and he started looking around.  “I’m so sorry…There’s something I need to tell you…”

It was then that I heard the door to his apartment open at the top of the steps. 

“Who is it, baby?” Chloe asked in her usual overly “fake nice” voice. 

Logan’s eyes squeezed shut while his face crunched up as if he were in actual physical pain.  My wide eyes gazed to the top of the steps where she stood with only his t-shirt on, flashing a devilish smirk.  Her bleach blond pink hair was all tangled up.  I took a step back from Logan who was in only his boxer briefs, with matching messed-up hair.  Seeing the terrified, apologetic look in his eyes was all the explanation I needed.

“Oh my God,” I whispered as my fingers covered my mouth.  Then, after my palm struck his face, I turned around and stormed away.

“Liv, wait!” he pleaded, but I kept going without looking back until his hand grabbed my arm and jerked me around to face him, and I realized he had chased me outside in his boxer briefs.  “Where did you go last night?” he asked.

“What the hell difference does that make?  You said you loved me!  Do you even know what that means?”  I screamed.  “It sure didn’t take you long to move on!  You’re a liar!”

“I
do
love you!  Goddammit!  Please, Liv, let me explain…”

“Fuck you, Logan!  I hate you!” I cried as I turned around, trying to make another run for it, but his hand grabbed my arm, again stopping me.  He turned me around, holding onto both my shoulders so that I couldn’t turn away this time, and he looked right into my soul, his eyes becoming deeply determined.

“I couldn’t find you, Liv.  I realized I made a mistake, and I tried to find you.  I called Mel to find out where you went with Tyler, and I went there.”

“You did what?”  I couldn’t quite comprehend that.

“I saw him, and he told me you stood him up.  Then I drove everywhere trying to find you.  Your house, Mel’s, I drove up and down the strip, hoping to spot your car.  I must’ve run every red light.  I called everyone I could think of to try to find you, and you wouldn’t answer your fucking phone.”

“Why were you running red lights?  Were you trying to get killed?” 

“No!  I just wanted to be where you were!  I wanted to tell you I made a mistake.  When I couldn’t find you, I came back and started drinking.  I thought you were gone, Liv. I thought I’d never see you again.  I was out of my mind…I didn’t think you would ever forgive me.  I blacked out and woke up with her next to me.”  A disgusted look came over him.  “Fuck, I don’t even remember what happened.  Please, Liv.”  He tried taking my hand, but I pulled it away.

“Logan, I can’t…” I cried as my heart shattered into a million pieces thinking about him waking up next to another girl one single day after he woke up next to me.  Did he hold her the way he held me?  Did he think of me at all while he was with her?

“No, Liv, we can make this work!”

“How can I trust you?” I looked at him, nauseated at the thought of…her…still on him.  “There is a girl in your bed!”

“I don’t remember how she got in my fucking bed!”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?  Just let me go!”  I bolted for my car.

“Stop running away from me, Goddammit!”  His voice was deep.  Authoritative.  Then, it softened.  “For once.  Stop running.” 

His words struck a chord with me and as my hand slipped under the door handle of my car, I hesitated.  He was right.  I always ran.  And I had made a decision this morning to change. 

I turned to face him.  His arms were crossed in front of him with his hands tucked underneath them, his jaw was tightly clenched, and goose bumps covered his body.  White fog came out of his nose as he breathed heavily.

I glanced past him, to the building.  “I’m not going in there.”

Relief washed over him.  “Can I come in your car?”

“You should get dressed first.”

He shook his head.  “No way.  I’m not walking away from you.”

I made sure not to look at him as I deliberated.  One look from him would melt me.  “Fine.  Get in.”

He jogged to the passenger side as I sat down in the driver’s seat.  After slamming his door shut, he began cupping his hands together and blowing into them.  He had no idea how much I wanted to take his hands in mine and warm them up the way he had done for me so many times.  But everything was different now.  He had betrayed me in an unforgivable way.  Those hands had been on her. 

“What do you want to say, Logan?” I asked as I turned the key in the ignition, resisting the unyielding urge to break down.

“I’m sorry.”

That’s it?

“What exactly are you sorry for?  Breaking my heart last night?  Or completely destroying it this morning? Or are you just sorry you got caught?” I finally looked at him as tears fell out of my eyes.  “Why didn’t you listen to me?  I told you this would happen.  Why couldn’t you just stay my friend?”  I buried my head in my hands as a sob forced its way out of me.  “Now it’s over.”

“Please don’t say that.  Please don’t say it’s over,” he whispered as he placed his hand on my shoulder.

I shoved his hand off me as I looked up at him, pissed and confused by his comment.  How could it not be over?   “Do you think this sort of thing is acceptable in a relationship, Logan?  Because it’s not.”

His demeanor changed in an instant.  “Do you think it’s acceptable to go out with other guys when you’re in a relationship, Liv?  Because it’s not.” 

My mouth fell open.  He was mimicking me.  “I didn’t!”

“No, you just made me think you were going to.” 

Had I entered some sort of alternate reality?  I allowed him in my car for
this
?  “Are you telling me
I’m
the reason you slept with someone else?”  At first I was hurt by his comments, but then I realized that it just reinforced the fact that we were incompatible.  I sighed.  “Just go Logan.  Get out.”

His hands grabbed his hair.  “No!  I’m not going anywhere until we figure this out.”  His fist pounded hard on the dashboard, startling me.  “Fuck!”

“Stop swearing!” I cried out, involuntarily.

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry Liv, I’ve fucked it all up.  I’m saying all the wrong things.  All I know is that I love you.  I’m better when I’m with you.  I need you,” he sighed, defeated.  “Any way you want.  I’ll start over.  I’ll respect whatever you want and if that means being only friends, I’ll find a way to live with that.  I’ll deal with it, Liv. Whatever you want, I promise I’ll give to you, just…don’t walk away from us.”

My mind filled with nothing but visions of Logan and Chloe.  Together.  Did he touch her the way he touched me?  Was she better than me?  Was she on top, or was he?  Did he smile at her the way he smiled at me?  Did she make him laugh?

Did he
ever
really love me?

I felt like I was going to be sick. 

“Logan, you were in bed with another girl.”  Just saying it pushed tears out of my eyes.  “How would you feel in my shoes?  Some lines just can’t be crossed.”

His shoulders slumped, and his eyes closed as he bowed his head down and shook it softly.  He knew.  He knew what it was like to be in my shoes.  He knew exactly how I felt.

He ran his fingers through his hair, leaned his head against the headrest, and closed his eyes.  With his elbow on the window ledge, he dropped his forehead into his hand, covering his eyes.  His chest lifted up and down with each heavy breath as he stayed silent.  Minutes passed, and he said nothing. 

“It’s too late to be friends.  There is no more us.  It’s too late.”  I was thinking out loud, completely baffled at how it could’ve come to this.