The Fixed Trilogy: Fixed on You, Found in You, Forever With You (46 page)

I gave Brian a wry smile. “Tell me about it.”

Totally fucked up. And why I was still there was beyond me.

So I left.

My hands shook the entire ride down the elevator. I didn’t know where I was going, only that I had to go. Hudson and I could work things out later when it was only the two of us. There was so much to sort through, but I knew in my heart of hearts that we were okay, that we were as connected as our eyes had been when we stood in the living room with chaos surrounding us.

I paused in the middle of the lobby, wondering if I should call Jordan for a ride. But where would I even go?

“Alayna!” Hudson called after me. He must have taken the other elevator down.

He’d noticed I was gone. It warmed some of the chill that had settled over me.

“Why did you leave?” he asked when he reached me.

“Isn’t it obvious? That was a madhouse and I didn’t want to be there anymore.”

“Yes, that it was.”

“I, um…” There was so much to say, but only one thing important to me—to us. “Why didn’t you defend me up there? Are you that mad about the David situation? It’s me supposed to be mad at you, remember?”

He met me with silence.

“Wait—” The truth burned into me with sickening certainty. “You believe her.”

His jaw twitched.

“Hudson?”

I’d thought—when our eyes had met, when we’d connected—I’d thought it had meant he was on my side. I’d been wrong. And it was like a knife to the gut.

Hudson put his hands on my arms, echoing the way his father had grasped me not fifteen minutes before. His touch felt…wrong. Cold where it was usually warm.

“I believe in you.” His voice was soft. “And whatever you need, I want to give it to you. If you need help—”

“Oh, my god, I can’t believe this.” I backed out of his grip. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

Hudson clenched and unclenched his fists. “Tell me that you didn’t do it. Tell me you didn’t call her. Tell me you didn’t see her.”

But I couldn’t say that. I had called her. I had seen her. Even when I promised I wouldn’t. It was only my motive that was debatable and I couldn’t prove it.

I shook my head. “It’s not how it looks, Hudson. I didn’t stalk her or harass her or whatever she’s claiming.” I could go into details, explain everything. But it came down to the simple fact that either he believed me or he didn’t. “Are you on her side or mine?”

“I’m on your side. Always, your side.”

“Then you believe me?”

He stuck his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. “Did you call her?”

“Yes! I said I did upstairs!” I didn’t care that I was loud, didn’t care that the doorman was watching us. I pulled my phone from my bra and held it out toward him. “Here, you want to see? Take it! You’ll see all the times I called her since that’s what you seem to be concerned with.”

He ignored my outstretched hand. “I don’t want proof. I want to help you.”

“I don’t fucking need any help!” I threw my phone across the lobby floor. It shattered against the wall.

For three seconds, I stared at the mess. It occurred to me that was happening inside me. My heart was shattering into a dozen pieces. So much for being able to let go of my past. It would always come back to haunt me.

I turned and ran—ran across the lobby and out the front door.

Hudson was right behind me. “Alayna, come back here.”

I kept running but I was no match for him, especially when I was wearing heels. He reached me before I’d passed the edge of the building, grabbing me at my wrist. “I’ll cancel my trip. We’ll find the best treatment—”

“I’m not sick.” I yanked my arm from his hold. “Go to Japan, Hudson. I don’t want to see you.”

“I’m not going to Japan now.” He was smooth, in control. Like always.

I began walking away. “Go to Japan,” I called over my shoulder. “I don’t want to see you for a while, if not ever. Got it? If you’re at the penthouse when I get home, I’ll find somewhere else to sleep and I don’t mean for just one night.”

He didn’t follow me. I couldn’t decide if that made things better or worse.

Better, probably. Because every part of me was in deep pain. And that kind of ache can only be suffered alone.

***

I rode the subway for a long time. I was lucky to get a seat before the rush hour crowd hit, and I stayed planted there on the E line all the way down to the World Trade Center. After a while, I switched to the A line and eventually ended up at Columbus Circle out of habit. I didn’t go to The Sky Launch though. I wandered over to the Walter Reade Theater at Lincoln Center and caught a foreign film. When it was over, I snuck into the next showing. Still, after having viewed it twice, I had no idea what I’d seen. My head—and heart—were too muddled for the subtitles.

I didn’t get back to The Bowery until after midnight. With my phone broken, I was out of touch. There was no way of knowing what I’d find there. Part of me hoped Hudson ignored me, that he’d be there waiting for me. But then I remembered what Lauren said about being willing to stand behind my conditions. If he was there, I’d have to leave, and as twisted and broken as I feared our relationship was, I wasn’t able to do that.

The penthouse was dark, the place quiet except for the sound of the grandfather clock. It felt so much like the first time I’d come in there in the middle of the night, except then things were new and the trepidation I had was fused with excitement. Now, I felt numb and empty. I knew without looking around that Hudson wasn’t there.

I made it halfway down the hall to the master bedroom when a light flipped on in the guest room.

“Laynie, is that you?”

It took several seconds to recover from the minor heart attack Brian had given me. “Yeah, it’s me.”

My brother came to the guest bedroom doorway wearing a white t-shirt and striped pajama bottoms. “Awesome. Are you okay?”

That was the question of the year. “I guess so.” I slumped against the wall and tilted my head. “What are you doing here?”

“Hudson said he had to go on some business trip, but he didn’t want to leave you alone. So he had some guy pick up my stuff from the Waldorf and moved me in.” He leaned his shoulder on the doorframe. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m here.”

“I’m actually kind of glad.” The words were out of my mouth before I realized I meant them. Having someone else around helped lessen the emptiness. And it warmed me that it had been Hudson who’d arranged it. Even with everything that had gone down I was still on his radar.

Brian crossed his arms over his chest. “Personally, I think he should have canceled his trip.”

“He probably should have. But I told him not to.” I slid down to the floor, too exhausted to stand anymore, but needing to get more information from my brother. “Anything interesting happen after I left?”

Brian moved out of the doorway and sat down on the floor across from me. “Not really. More of the same. Accusations and liquor. You know, a typical family party.”

He said it all tongue-in-cheek, but that was exactly what our family parties had been like growing up. At least, the liquor part. There was always lots of liquor.

“Hudson’s mother’s an alcoholic.” I wasn’t sure Brian had figured that out.

“Yeah, I picked up on that. She has that weird yellow skin thing that Dad had. And she was shaky when I first met her. Does she acknowledge it?”

“No. No one does. She’s a different drunk than Dad was, though.” Our dad had been a happy drunk. He’d talk too loud and laugh a lot. When we’d been little, we’d thought it was fun. It took growing older to realize what his antics did to our mother.

“How so?”

“She’s mean. Hateful. Vindictive. Bitter.” I paused. “Did I say mean?” I rubbed my hand over my eyes. “God, this baby thing is probably killing her.”

“Right? What a way to find out your husband cheated on you.”

“Not even because of that. Jack’s infidelity is old news. That he was with Celia is a surprise. I thought he had better taste than that.” Maybe that was why Hudson hated it when his father touched me. He was afraid Jack was after me, too. If Hudson had only told me the truth about Celia and his father, I could have tried harder to…

I let the thought die. It was no good thinking about the things Hudson hid from me. It only led back to the things I’d hidden from him. If we’d both been honest from the beginning, maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess we were in now.

“Anyway, I meant because Sophia was so set on that pregnancy being evidence of why Celia and Hudson should be together. Like, she brings it up all the time. Nearly ten years later, she’s still pining over this miscarriage. For this match that didn’t happen.”

Brian chewed on his lip, something he always did when he was concentrating. “You know what I think? I think she knew all the time that there’d been something between Celia and Jack. You know how you just know things like that sometimes. She probably thought if Celia was with Hudson, then maybe somehow that would punish Jack or maybe even help her win him back or something. It’s obvious she loves the guy.”

I leaned my head back against the wall. “That’s very insightful. You actually make me feel kind of sorry for the lady.” I scowled. “Stop it. I prefer hating her.”

Brian laughed and I felt lighter with the sound. It was good to hear him be something besides angry. He was like Sophia in so many ways. Hardened because of the things life had dealt him. He was the one I felt bad for. “I’m really sorry you got dragged into all of this.”

He nodded in acceptance of my apology. “I’m really sorry I haven’t been here for you.” He kept his eyes on his hands, his fingers playing with the drawstring to his PJs. “I guess I was wrong to cut you off like I did. It didn’t help you like I thought it would.”

“I hate to say this, but it was probably the best thing you could have ever done for me.” Funny thing about 20/20 hindsight. “Despite how it looks at the moment, I’ve been doing pretty well.”

“That’s exactly how it looks. Good job, good boyfriend…” He met my eyes. “I know you didn’t do those things that Celia says you did.”

My brows rose. “You do? How?”

Brian gave me a no-nonsense look. “First of all, calling and hanging up? That’s so not your style. You’re much more creative than that.”

I smiled genuinely at the strange compliment.

“Second, you’ve never messed with women. And, third, no matter what shit you’ve pulled, you’ve never denied it. That was one reliable thing about you—you were always willing to admit your mistakes. Plus, you look…good. You’ve never looked this good before. Not since they died, anyway.”

It was the look of feeling loved. That was the change in me. I wondered how long it would last. “Thank you, Brian. It means a lot to hear you say that.” More than he could possibly know.

But just because Brian believed me didn’t mean I was out of trouble. “So what do I do now, Mr. Lawyer?”

“About Celia Werner? Nothing. She doesn’t have anything to press charges for and she says she’s not pursuing a restraining order.”

“Because a restraining order would keep her from Hudson too.” I frowned. “As long as he’s with me, that is.”

“Is that why she’s saying all this stuff about you? Is she in love with him?” His question was tentative, as if he were afraid the subject would hurt me.

“Maybe. I’m not sure if she’s in love with him or if she wants to mess with him. People warned me not to trust her. It makes me wonder if she has a rep for doing shit like this. I’m not sure.”

“All I can suggest is to stay away from her now.”

“No kidding.” Actually, Celia’s scam had me wondering about her and Hudson in a different way. It couldn’t be entirely coincidental that they were friends and both of them had instances of manipulating people. More and more I believed they’d played their games together—as partners or as competitors, I didn’t know. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out.

“Oh.” Out of the blue I remembered what Brian was in town for to begin with. I dug into the purse still hanging loosely on my shoulder and found my old apartment key. “I need to give you this.” I held it up for him.

He leaned forward but stopped before he took it from me. “You sure you don’t want to keep it? I could sign another year lease. In case things don’t work out here.”

“Which is very possible at this point.” I flipped the key along its ring. It felt heavier than it should, and I wanted it out of my hands. At the same time, I had to be smart.

Brian studied me. “I told him, you know. Hudson. That I knew you didn’t stalk that girl.”

My eyes met his. “What did he say?”

“Nothing. He’s a very hard man to read.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. “Yes, he is.” What had I expected? For Brian to convince Hudson of the truth and that everything would now be hunky-dory? Even if Brian had changed Hudson’s mind, would I be able to forgive Hudson for not believing me when I said I didn’t do it? Lauren had said that if I wanted to stay with him, there would have to be forgiveness. How much could I forgive?

In that painful moment, when I wanted Hudson back so bad that every fiber of my being ached with longing, I would have forgiven anything and everything. And that wasn’t necessarily the best thing for me.

Good thing he was out of the country. Hopefully I’d be stronger by the time he returned.

I leaned forward and dropped the key in Brian’s palm. “No. I don’t want another lease. I don’t want you taking care of me anymore. It’s time for me to do it myself. If things don’t work out here—” My voice caught and I had to swallow before I could go on. “I’ll have to get something cheaper. Which is fine. I could find some place closer to the subway. Maybe I’ll get a roommate or something.”

Brian nodded. He could tell that moving wasn’t what I wanted, but there wasn’t any point discussing it. What mattered was that I had options. I’d be okay.

We sat in comfortable silence for several minutes, before I got the strength to try to make it to bed. “I’m gonna go collapse now.”

Brian stood first and held his hand out to help me up.

“Goodnight, Bri.”

I was at the end of the hall when Brian called after me.

“Yeah?” I turned to look at him.