The Forgotten: Aten's Last Queen (35 page)

Sometimes my thoughts entertained fears that this spirit of death could be the ka of other pharaohs, like my husband, who waited for their mummification to end, who longed for the closing of their tombs. Could Tutankhamun be here beside me, watching, and waiting for my arrival to the Afterlife? Would the touch of his ka mean death to me?

If he knew of my love for another, Amyntas, I hoped he could forgive me. There are so many types of love. Both of these men were different in my eyes. I had loved them both. Tutankhamun was my most beloved friend, but what I shared with Amyntas was something that felt like what husband and wife love should be. I prayed my beloved would forgive me my heart. How quickly all things pass us by… including love.

Twenty-three years ago from this day, I had been born. It was during the fourth year of Father’s rein. Stones toppled, life emerged, I began. Tomorrow, my husband’s life would ceremoniously end.

When my father took the throne, Kemet was at its peak in prosperity. His successors had gained much for the lands and added considerable security to the people. No one dared to challenge our might. Many people earned a living in the temples worshipping the gods, and national opulence flowed freely like the Great River.

Father was once known as Amunhotep IV. Shortly after my birth, he held a Sed Festival. This is an event usually saved to celebrate a pharaoh’s thirtieth year of reign to celebrate his prosperity and reinforce the divine powers of his kingship. At Father’s celebration, he announced the official move of the capital to a new city down the Nile. It was a land that had been untouched by man and rested in the center of Kemet’s borders. Father said that Aten had brought him to this land, and Aten wished to claim it as His own. It was a place far removed from other temples littering the streets. It would be a land of starting over, a land of change. Pharaoh’s name became the same as this new city, Horizon of the Sun Disc: Akhenaten. His people were instructed to prepare for the journey. When the inundation rose, the people left Waset and entered a new life.

So much has changed since then.

Tonight was still, calm, as I sat outside in one of the gardens. I lost track of which. I never cared to remember such things at this palace. I knew where I was needed, and if I was unsure of my way, I had a guard escort me there. I cared nothing for these walls. My grandparents had dwelled here, but their lives were about glamour and showing off their riches. People say my father wasted our country’s wealth building Akhenaten, but my grandparents were notorious for self-indulgence. They even built their own private lake to sail Grandmother’s barge on whenever she wished. It did nothing for national prosperity or pride. It was simply because Grandmother wanted to go sailing more safely and more often.

My glass of wine was almost empty. I swirled what remained around in the cup, watching its whirlpool. I could smell its churned-up sweetness caress my nose. Tutankhamun had liked dry wine, but for my glass, I liked it so sweet that it would make my lips pucker. Sometimes we would switch our glasses when one of us was not looking and laugh at the other’s response when they tasted the stark difference. If we were feeling cautious, we would check the color of our glass before bringing it to our lips. Tutankhamun’s was always the deepest crimson. Mine was usually a blushed red.

I smiled as I remembered our shared laughter, our jokes, our ways to ease the tension in our lives for but a moment.

My heart was keeping me awake with many thoughts tonight. I knew I should sleep. When the coming morrow broke over the jagged line of the horizon, we would bring Tutankhamun to his tomb. I would say goodbye to him. Then I would marry my grandfather.

Again, I would be passed off to the next heir to the throne. There was no regard for me, only for power. After Ay took the crown, who knew what my life would be like then? He could have me killed at that point if he wished. This could be one of my last nights in Kemet.

I had worked so hard to make the pieces fit together in my puzzle, but I feared that I had done exactly as my father had. Did I go against the way of Ma’at to fit things in the way
I
desired them to be? Father had thought what he was doing was right, just as I had thought what I had done was right. My life was back to the beginning. I was powerless to stop those that wished to use me. I had tried and failed.

How could I accept that as my fate? There was so much I had wanted. I had wanted to leave this place and never look back. I wanted to finally spend a night with the man I loved. I wanted to raise Tawaret and see her every day, call her Tasherit again. But I knew if I acted on these things, so many other people would suffer. I could not forgo my commitment to this land just because I wanted something else. Maybe
this
was what my father did wrong. He was so focused on theology that he forgot about the people, the individual man and woman and child. I did not know their faces, but I did not want to hear my people’s cries, their laments, if I left their lives to chaos and confusion.

I looked up at the stars wondering who sailed those depths tonight. Was Father up there? Did his ka survive? Perhaps his heart weighed favorably because his intentions were never driven by cruelty; it was just passion. It all stemmed from love and loss. Maybe Mother was up there with him now. I could not be certain of anything anymore.

There was room for forgiveness when your roles were reversed, but forgiveness was never an easy thing when the scars run deep within you. I knew I had to so that my ka would be at peace, but there were memories that spoke to me loudly, whispered to me softly, showed me vividly, and I just could not completely come to forgive him. I had my Tasherit because of him, but he had caused me great pain and fear. My body had been so torn and bruised that even my memory was still sore from it. How I wished I could just forget. Things would be so much easier then. But no matter how hard I tried, the memories only came back stronger and more frightening.

I wondered what Tutankhamun would say if he saw Father again. Would there be joy upon their reunion, or could anger still weigh down the heart in the life beyond this one? He kept our father’s body hidden and thus his ka safe, but in his heart, did Tutankhamun truly forgive Father for all those years of being pushed aside and hidden away? I was not the only one he had abused.

I sat back and looked up at the stars. I quieted my thoughts and let myself, in one moment, just breathe.

Simply exist.

Chapter One

I Am Your Son Who Serves You

1331 B.C., Opening of the Year - Birthday of Ra-Horakhty

The Nile moved slowly beneath us. We journeyed away from Akhenaten. It had been lost from sight many days ago, and it had taken me those passing days to finally become reacquainted with water travel. I had not ferried by the river since my childhood.

Our travel took us north over one million iteru to Waset. As we sailed, Tutankhaten and I were busily tutored about the gods of old, those who would now be a part of our daily lives. The first stop was to be The Great Temple of Amun. Our first
act
as rulers was to give compensation to the temple for the damage done to it by Father. In Waset, our royal coronation would take place, and reunification of the temples would begin.

Our papyriform ship was accompanied by many other vessels filled with citizens moving away from the cursed city. The capital was to be reestablished in Waset, and many people were eager for the return. But passage was not free. Some people had to stay as they did not have the goods to pay for their way. Ay refused to offer assistance. He held onto any gold he could, reasoning to us that all of it would be needed to appease the gods.

Ay was Tutankhaten’s tutor and was by his side constantly. I was not bothered by this. I was too torn up inside to try to build a relationship. We slept in separate rooms and rarely saw one another on the first half of our voyage.

I sat on the deck alone after my studies. My servants kept my eyes shaded and my wine glass full. I watched the lands as we passed and thought I was in another country. Everything I saw was so different from the city I grew up in. It made me feel as if my 13 years in Akhenaten had been a waste. The world was so much larger than I imagined. I feared this unending mystery in front of us. Would the world make sense anymore or would I forever feel lost in a desert of the unknown, the never-ending sands blurring my vision from the shelter I sought?

I thought of my daughter constantly and too often. When I dreamed, my arms were around her as she nursed at my breast. I could still hear her intake of milk, the breath moving through her nose, her fingers grasping hold of mine. Then I would wake up, and I would be alone again with only the memory of her touch lingering a few heartbeats longer.

Stopping my milk had been painful. If I brushed my breast against a wall or by my own hand, a sharp ache erupted inside of me. Then one morning I found myself dry, and my last connection was severed. I spent the rest of that day in bed, weighed down by what I would never have again. Our ship could have been swallowed by the Nile, and I would not have moved. I could have more children, but Tasherit was gone from my life. I would always feel this emptiness without her.

I had not seen Tia since she had taken Tasherit to safety. I had hoped that she had made it out with the ferries. I did not know when I would see her again. She was probably with her family. I rarely thought of her life outside of mine, but she did have a husband and three growing children. They should have been able to afford passage away from the city. I could only imagine what it must be like to watch civilization leave you behind in a city of ruins. Many people who had been forced to move there were now unable to leave.

Mayati, Mother, and Father accompanied us. Tutankhaten insisted that Father come with us though I could not figure as to why. Father had never been kind to him once Tutankhaten’s deformity became apparent. Could it be because it was all he had for a family?

I did not feel right disturbing Meketaten’s resting place, dragging her out and disturbing her ka. She was finally at peace. She had grown up and been happy most of her life in Akhenaten, so there she would stay.

Smenkhkare was wrapped but buried without honors. There was debate about his 70 days of mourning as he did not believe in the gods or the rituals surrounding them. And while this argument had ensued with Father’s death, Mother had insisted on the rites for him. With Smenkhkare, he was given the simplest of burials and left behind.

Merytaten Tasherit’s body was not found in the aftermath even though Ay had indicated he had seen her dead. I could not guess what this foretold, but I had a pendant carved with her name. I intended to place it in Mayati’s tomb to ensure her daughter would find a way back to her. My sister’s daughter was worth remembering despite her short time in the world. Maybe even more so because of the short speck that it was. There had been only a couple carvings of her name, but perhaps if her name was buried with Mayati, she would find her way home.

I could tell we were approaching Waset as fishing boats and farmers became common sights. When our ship approached, people would line the banks and watch us go by. They would not clap or praise us. A few would wave, but it was too early to be excited. There was a lot we had to restore. Their faces were blank, impassive. Waset had not had a pharaoh on the throne for almost 20 years. Trepidation followed us as a black panther does its prey, lurking and slinking unseen until it was too late.

The afternoon was bright this day. The sky was empty of clouds and clear. It was like the sky mirrored the waters of earth. Deep blue was below me and a rich light blue above. I walked over and stood by the railing at the prow of the ship and watched a group of children playing chase and catch on the shoreline. I heard a thumping behind me, and turned to see Tutankhaten approach with his cane. I smiled.

“So, Ay lets you out of his clutches for a breath of fresh air? The bird escapes his cage,” I quipped. His presence revived my humor, which helped push aside some of the nervousness I felt in his presence at being his wife now. What was he expecting from me? He seemed occupied currently, but what loomed before us as children brought together by necessity? Could two people be happy who were forced to marry? It’s not as if I disliked him, but marriage was not something I had ever pictured. I had hoped to step away from the titles after Father died. Yet here I was again being pushed into choices I never had a say in.

He chuckled at my remark. “Grandfather prepares for council this afternoon. I was just wondering what you are watching?”

“Some children playing. It made me think of when Meket and I would goof around. It was a good memory.”

Tutankhaten’s eyes were suddenly stricken. “I’m sorry to have interrupted.”

“No, your presence is much better company.”

He shifted on his feet for a moment. “I wanted to request your presence at the council meeting today.”

“If you wish, I will be there.”

“I would like you to come as an active participant, not just a listener. I would appreciate your opinions. A lot of this stuff does not make sense to me, and I know you have more understanding of official matters. To be truthful, I feel as if you are the only one I can trust. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.”

I smiled again. “It does feel like our country is against us, doesn’t it?”

“They tell us: Leave your home, abandon your God, change your names! I am not in favor of that by the way. The lands ask everything of me yet makes me an orphan at the same time. I’m their pharaoh, and they ask I deny everything about me. I have no idea what to do or even how to make a right decision since I am asked to be someone else. It’s unheard of. How can they expect me to lead a nation when I have no idea who I am now?”

His words struck a familiar melody in me. “You are right to question. I think it’s the questions that will help you find the right solutions. Through questioning you will learn all of your options, and then let your heart guide you.”