The Forgotten: Aten's Last Queen (31 page)

“I only ask for those I love. Nothing more. Please, Pharaoh.”

“Perhaps I will allow Merytaten to stay confined to your room. She is rather obsessed with that baby. But your mother cannot leave her prison. Your grandfather will also be rounded up so he also does not cause trouble. Let that satisfy your needs for now.”

He waved me away with his hand, and the guard behind me pulled me to a stand and pushed me back to my table. As I walked back, I scanned the crowds. No one was looking. No one met eyes with Pharaoh or dared look further than their plates. Amyntas and his friends were gone.

Mother was still trapped, but at least I had Merytaten for a while. Perhaps if I could just speak with Amyntas one more time, he could take us away from here. But I could do nothing for Mother.

Did I really want to run away?

When I returned to my room after the dinner, there was a letter propped up by a pillow on my bed. I picked up the roll and sat down. The stone bowl lamp on my side table had already been lit by the servants. The window in the room let the lamp’s smoke escape, even with the added salt used to help reduce the amount of smoke given off by the wick. I had never liked the smell of smoke.

Opening the papyrus, I could see Tia’s hand. It was something she had copied for Amyntas. My heart leapt for joy but only because I had not read the words that followed.

My dearest An,

I am grieved. I have made a mistake. In one night, in one thoughtless act, I have changed my life and in turn both of our lives.

It was a moment of weakness for me. My heart yearned for your conversation, my fingers burned for your touch. I thought I could suppress it by the sting of cheap beer, but it only enhanced my longing.

We have never been together as husband and wife. This type of love has been forced on you. I should not even call it love as it has only been fear and pain in your life. I have desired to show you what love is and to give you such intimacy. I have dreamed of it, as I know you have too.

Why do I say all this? It is because I fear what I must confess. You have taught me to trust, to laugh, to share everything. My father was once taught these things by a woman from foreign soil. Now I am the foreigner, and you treat me no different than your own kin. No, you treat me better than I have ever been treated before. I have found that in this life, if all I have is a touch of your hand, a kiss from your soft lips, it is all I need.

And that is what I told myself, convinced myself, wanted to believe. My thoughts had convinced me of this.

Please forgive me, but I have lain with another woman, and you know her well. It was with Marahkaten.

I have never shared with her my feelings for you, so please do not be angry at her. It is my own desires that have betrayed you. She has been helping Father and me out in the shop, and I knew she would be there in the morning hours. So I went to her and seduced her.

I did not think of you during this. Even in my drunken haze, I knew this would be unfair to both you and her. There are no explanations for what I have done.

Yet this is not the worst of it. She is pregnant with my child. She has never been with any other man, of this I know. I was her first, and I used her. So in truth, I have betrayed two women.

I will take her as my wife. I will give her and the baby a family as I should have given to you. I cannot disgrace her, but I also do not love her. I will treat her well and provide. I can tell by her eyes she is excited, so I have not told her of my true intentions that night.

I confess this to you and realize you could tell her. If you do, I will not blame you for it. I have betrayed your trust. I can ask for nothing more than mercy. Perhaps one day, you will find you can forgive me. You have never chosen your path, and now I have chosen poorly for us. The mistake was all mine. I hope you can find forgiveness in your heart one day. We have both been handed a life we have not had control over, but I betrayed myself with my inability to abstain. My flesh and desires have torn my heart out from me.

If it will make you heal, forget me. The future cannot be seen, but it cannot be undone either. I have wished for only you in my life, and I lament for what could have been.

My love ---

I could read no more.

*****

That night, Ay disappeared. His residence was empty, as was Horemheb’s. Then, just a few moments after her imprisonment, Mother disappeared from her cell.

Whispers of magic rippled through the town as the news got out. The people spoke of Isis who had returned to the land and who would take out her vengeance on the brother of the heretic. Perhaps Aten had come to save His people.

But they were only words. They held no real power. All my sister and I had was the wait. Thankfully, Mayati was safe in my apartment, but that also meant that I too was shut in. We were trapped in the walls we had grown up in. We were prisoners of an internal war. And we could not guess what the new days would bring us. We knew our lives stood on a papyrus-thin balance. Only God knew what would tip the scale balance.

All we could do was wait.

In this time, I thought of nothing. My daughter made me smile, Mayati gave me company, but I had no other emotion. The love that had once engulfed me now seemed to slither away. It felt tainted and impure. When I looked in my daughter’s eyes, at times I felt betrayed. This was not her fault, but she should have been a child I had with another man, one I loved like a husband.

She would not have a father, and her mother was a hand-me-down wife. What would her role be? Would she wither away as Marahkaten had? Would she be forced to sire an heir as Meketaten and I had? I looked into her eyes now and was sad. I could not see a happy future for her. I wondered if Tadukhipa had felt this as the water clock dropped her life away.

Mayati noticed my mood. She tried to comfort me but could find no words to break my self-confinement. I had turned my emotions off. They did nothing for me. I wanted to be just like her and Mother, strong and confident, emotions in check. Somehow, though, I knew I was not that strong. I could not block the emotions. They flowed from me as smoothly as a breeze through hanging linens.

I did not blame Marahkaten. I could not. I wanted to be mad at her, but she was living with a man that did not love her. I knew the feeling. The worst part (or maybe the best part?) was that she did not know this, and I would not tell her. Let her be happy. Perhaps one day Amyntas
would
love her. The flesh could heal after being cut, maybe my heart could as well. All she had ever wanted was a family. I had given that to her. It could be said that I sent her to Amyntas and whetted his desire to be with a woman. He usually was kept busy with his work. With a young woman beside him every day, the temptation must have been too great. Our hearts were not made of gold as a god’s. Ours were victim to lusts and emotions.

I had been scared Amyntas would no longer love me when I told him of my pregnancy. I thought he would be disgusted. But he welcomed my pregnancy as if it were his own. He supported me and listened to all my fears. How I had admired his selflessness in this. I admired how he could hold me after another man had claimed me.

At times, I was furious with him. At times, I just cried. But other times, I was angry with myself. I had tried to save Marahkaten and in turn wounded myself. Was it the price I paid for having a father when one so close to me did not? Should I have come into her life earlier and tried to help? I had thought about it before as we were growing up. What more could I have done?

Had Mother wondered these things as a leader? Being responsible for so many people, had doubt and fears crept into her heart after decisions were made? Mayati might know the answer, but I did not want to burden her. I did not want to speak about anything. I had burned Amyntas’ written words and tried to keep them from my thoughts.

Perhaps one day, I would find a purpose to life again. Were there still things I could do for my people? So far my good deeds had only come back to harm me.

Chapter 3

For Thou Has Raised Them Up

1332 B.C., Season of Shomu

Marahkaten,

If I had the words to describe it, I still would not be able to. Thankfully, there are no words I can use to make you understand such horrible events. It’s too much right now for my emotions to be able to shape into words. There should never be such words, and I will not bring the events to life again by retelling it. One word is enough to claim all that happened that day: Death. It haunts these walls and will not let us go
.

Keep her safe. You are the only hope I have. Love her as I never can again. Give her the family she would never have been given in this palace. Keep her away from here. Give her the freedom we never knew as children. She can never go by my name again
.

Tawaret, She Who is Great, is now your daughter
.

Your sister

*****

2 Days Earlier

*****

We heard no word of what transpired outside the walls. We had no visitors. We were alive, and that was enough.

Pharaoh seemed to have forgotten us entirely. He was preoccupied with finding my mother and grandfather. Rumors were ripe as the grapes in the vineyards. They never found them, though. There were raids throughout the city, but they were never fruitful.

Pharaoh’s judgment on his citizens continued. We could hear the cries and lamentations. We could not guess how many people had been lost to Pharaoh’s anger. We could only listen to the sorrow that carried on the breath of hot air which absorbed our days.

Every morning we awoke with fear. We could not guess what day would be our last. When Pharaoh would finally come to finish off the last of the family he had within reach was up to fate. I had no idea how my sisters or brother fared. They could be dead already, and we would not be able to leave them offerings. Perhaps their kas were lost in the winds of despair that circled the palace like vultures.

I found prayer empty, but I continued to attempt it. Aten did not favor my life anymore. I was thankful that He had been favoring Tutankhaten and hoped that meant he was safe and alive. Perhaps he would survive all of us. Though with Horemheb now named a conspirator and also being hunted, I could only guess where my brother was or how he spent his days.

The land around us was dry. I could feel it in my bones. It was not just from the season. It was from the people around me. Their kas were withered and tired. The farmers harvested, the sellers bartered, and life moved, except it moved without purpose. Even the Nile knew where it flowed, but my people were lost. They never knew who Pharaoh would find fault with next.

*****

I was playing with Tasherit and her doll when the doors parted. I swiftly put her on my hip and backed up. Before us, the room’s jaws opened like a crocodile’s, deep and foreboding, ready to snap us back inside if necessary. Mayati ran in next to me. She held her child as well. We faced this together.

The guards stood on either side of the doors as a man stepped inside. It was Nakht, the high vizier of the city. He dipped his chin forward as he came closer.

“I am to inform you of the banquet being held tonight. You are both to attend. Leave your children here. We have nurses for them. You will not leave the banquet until Pharaoh says. You will have an escort with you at all times. You must not leave the guards’ sights or you will be killed immediately. Is this clear?”

Mayati nodded her head.

I was feeling less agreeable. “No, it is not. How dare you speak to the Great Wife this way!”

Nakht smiled a little. His eyebrows slanted into something sinister. “If I recall, this is not a title you hold. The Great Wife gives
her
assent. Now, I have taken the liberty of choosing the nurses for you. They will enter at my leave and get you ready. When the doors open again, you will come to the banquet and sit beside Pharaoh. Praise to him everlasting!”

He gave us no more time to respond. As he left, two women walked in. The doors shut behind their feet. One came to Mayati and followed her into the bath house and dressing area.

My nurse stopped before me and removed her veil.

“Tia!” I quickly wrapped my free arm around her tightly.

“We do not have much time. I will take Tasherit to a safe home.”

I parted from her embrace. “You found a nurse? Does she have a family? It would draw less suspicion that way.”

Tia thought for a moment then nodded her head as if deciding on some secret thought in her head. “I thought it best for her to go to Amyntas and Marahkaten… if you would give your consent. She has delivered her baby and has just started nursing. They have been in hiding since her pregnancy and have changed their names. On the next barge, they depart the city, and they have agreed to this plan. They will take your daughter away from here and raise her.”

I closed my eyes and quieted my thoughts. It felt almost too perfect. I could not let my selfish jealousy pull apart well-woven plans, even if it did unravel me. Did Aten have a hand in this? Did I have to give something in order to get my daughter’s protection? Or perhaps He was looking out for me, and I just did not know how to see it. I had spent a season grieving what I had lost only to find that now my daughter could be saved by it. I was blessed. I was not given what I wanted; I was delivered what I needed instead. My daughter’s life was all I needed. I knew that given the choice, I would give up anything for her.

“I know they will care for her well. They are good people. If she lives with them, I will be happy. Tasherit will have a mother and father. She will live away from all this.”

I handed Tasherit to Tia. She moved easily into Tia’s arms. In her tiny fingers, I placed the doll. She grasped it tightly and shook it so the hair whipped around. Then she laughed at the sight. I wanted to make sure the doll would go with her. I had just finished sewing it together.

“I will get ready,” I said, walking to the dressing chamber.

“An, there is something you must know. The city is at war.”