The Fullness of Quiet (3 page)

She began to jabber away to me as I gently brushed her hair and plaited it neatly. I wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying. I could feel a gradual headache starting at the back of my mind and I knew that it would stay with me for the rest of the day.

I managed to get Helen to school with plenty of time for me to walk instead of taking the bus. It was a good twenty minutes away. I tried to walk as often as possible; the extra pocket money that I got given for the bus fare was saved and put to one side for Christmas and birthdays.

It was a warm spring day. I slipped my cardigan off and quickly stuffed it in my rucksack in order to enjoy the light breeze that danced around me. The new buds on the trees were beginning to blossom and the early morning sun glinted from the pretty pinks and blues.

I arrived at school with plenty of time before lessons started and made my way to Math class. Just as I entered the classroom, the school bus arrived and a swarm of pupils entered the large concrete building. I quickly settled myself down in my seat so I wasn’t trampled by everyone else.

Charlie ran into the room and plonked herself next to me. She beamed at me and began to jabber away about her evening. I smiled with her as I tried to keep up with the speed of her signing. She was so quick!

At that moment the beacon on the wall flashed, announcing the beginning of class. I attempted to pay attention to Charlie who was still talking about what had happened but out of the corner of my eye I was searching for Joshua. He walked into the class behind everyone else with his head bowed. He didn’t look up at anyone or sign ‘good morning’ but made his way to the front of the class. I tried to catch his eye as he walked past me but he still refused to look up.

Alex then walked in and winked at me before settling himself down in the seat in front of me. Our teacher came round and began to hand out the books that would be used today. She walked up and down the class making sure that everyone’s attention was on the board.

It’s difficult for teachers to be able to hold our attention. I guess in normal schools they’d use load noises or shout a student’s name but they can’t do that here. Noise had no effect on us. We were the best behaved class in the world, no-one ever made a sound.

Some of the teachers in the school were deaf like us but it made me smile that despite this, they were still able to find a job and live a life like everyone else. It gave us all hope.

Charlie calmed down pretty quick when she realized I wasn’t paying her any attention. She tapped me impatiently on the shoulder and scowled at me.

“Sorry,” I signed. “What were you saying?”

“Never mind, I will tell you later.”

The lesson started with its usual lack of enthusiasm but all I could think about was talking to Joshua. I had no idea how to go about it. Should I write him a quick note and pass it in class or would that be jumping the gun a little? I paid hardly any attention to the questions I was answering as I pondered what I should do.

At break time, we all made our way to the school yard. It looked a lot like the school playground from the much loved cartoon Recess where TJ and the gang would cause trouble. I smiled at the thought.

“What are you smiling about?” signed Charlie.

“Recess,” I signed back. Charlie laughed. It was by far her favorite children’s TV program. “What were you telling me earlier?”

“Me and Shaun went out on Saturday night. He took me out to dinner. Can you believe it? It was amazing. Who would have ever thought that someone like me could have gone on a date, never mind who with? I always thought such things would never happen. Shaun isn’t completely deaf like us so it didn’t create too many problems but the way he can sign, my goodness, you would think he had been doing it since he was born but he has only been partially deaf for seven years. What an achievement. He’s almost as good as you and me.

“He understood everything I said to him, he didn’t even need me to slow down or repeat myself and I only corrected his signing once. It made him laugh. I wish I could have heard him laugh. I bet he has a nice laugh. Do you think he has a nice laugh? Never mind, he asked me out again, he asked for my number. I reminded him that if he called me he would have to speak to Mum because I can’t use phones. He nodded and said he couldn’t forget something like that. He’s so sweet, saying he wouldn’t forget something like that when he’s not so used to being around someone who’s deaf.

“And then you will never guess what happened, go on guess, actually no, you will never guess. He kissed me, I know, he kissed me and it wasn’t just a peck on the cheek, it was a full-on kiss on the lips. Talk about amazing.” She allowed her hands to drop and let out a long breath. I started to laugh. I could feel my headache beginning to intensify.

“You had a good time then?” I signed back.

“I think ‘good’ is a bit of an understatement.” I glanced around the playground, scanning the crowd for Joshua.

“Who are you looking for?”

“No-one.”

“Liar,” she smiled. She found it so easy to read people. Especially seeing as though people like us had to read body language as well as lips. It tells a lot about a person and yet no-one ever believes it. “Who are you looking for?”

“You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“I already think that.”

“I had a dream last night and it had the new boy in it. I’ve never even spoken to him so I don’t understand how that’s possible.’

“That’s weird,” smiled Charlie. “I’m guessing you’re now looking for him.” I nodded. “Why?” I stopped glancing around and focused entirely upon on her. She had a good point. What was the use of me finding him? What would I do? Walk up to him, introduce myself and tell him I dreamt about him last night? That wouldn’t really work.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders.

Chapter 4

The teacher of my next class appeared at the top of the stairs that led back into the school building. She signaled to those that looked at her so that we knew it was time to go. Some of us began to make our way in, others noticed and then followed. A few stragglers were rounded up and ushered towards the door.

By the end of my day, I was seriously thinking about how to introduce myself to Joshua. Every scenario I could think up was ridiculous or impossible. In the end I gave up and just daydreamed. At the end of the lesson, everyone began to bustle towards the door and in the process, someone managed to knock my folder to the floor. Papers flew in every direction. I snapped out of my daydream and looked at my scattered work. Typical.

I bent down on my hands and knees and began to gather together all the lose sheets. I saw a hand reach down and begin to help me. I looked up straight into the distant and mysterious eyes of Joshua. I remember the distinct feeling of being drawn towards him. I couldn’t stop looking at him. He was the first to break eye contact and continued picking up my work. As suddenly as I entered the trance, I snapped out of it and hurriedly picked up the remaining paper.

I slid them into the folder on the desk and signed thank you to him. He signed back saying I was very welcome. I smiled and I think I even blushed. I stuffed the folder into my bag, zipped it up and began a conversation with this stranger that had been on my mind all day.

The conversation flowed freely but I noticed in the way he signed he was very unsure of himself. Sometimes he’d twitch his hands, as if hesitating as to what to say or he’d pause in the middle of a word. We walked casually down the street as I explained I had to pick up my little sister from school. He said he didn’t want to keep me waiting but I insisted that he come with me. I told him about Helen and how charming she was. He seemed to relax a little but there was still that underlying tension in every step he took.

As usual, Helen rushed out to see me with an exuberant smile on her face. She glanced at Joshua but paid him hardly any attention. I picked her up and swung her round. I could see her laughing. I signed to her asking if she had a good day and she nodded, took my hand and began walking. She let go almost instantly as she began to tell me all about what she had done. I turned to check on Joshua and found him right next to me. I smiled at him and returned my attentions to my little sister.

I compared the fluidity of her hand movements to those of Joshua’s and was shocked at how much better she was than him. I glanced at Joshua and noticed that he was watching her hand movements as well. It didn’t take us long until we were nearing home. I signed to him asking where he lived.

“I’m another fifteen minutes in that direction.” He pointed down the road. There weren’t many more houses along this road. I tried to think where the next one was. From what I remembered it was pretty run down. I asked him about it and he nodded.

“What time should you be home by?” he shrugged and looked down at his feet. I could see Helen out of the corner of my eye, following the conversation. “Run in and start your homework,” I signed to her. She smiled and skipped away. “Do you want to go for a walk through these fields?” I asked.

“Sure.’” I ditched my bag on the side of the road and he left his next to it. We walked into the long grass in silence. Not that that’s any different from normal; obviously there is never any noise in my life but the concept that neither of us were signing for the moment was essentially the same thing as not talking. It was a while before he began to sign again. He just chatted about nothing in particular and it was nice. I found some daisies hidden within the long grass, almost of sight. They were so pretty. I bent down and began to pick some.

I could see him kneel down next to me and pluck his own flower from the ground. I started to make a chain of them and so he settled himself down on the ground.

“Do you like flowers?” he asked. I nodded and smelled the delicate petals in my hand. He smiled at me and it was the most genuine expression I had seen all day. His eyes sparkled and he seemed to be truly happy there in that moment. I couldn’t help but smile back. I seemed to be locked in that motion and I had no idea how to leave but then I didn’t know if I wanted to. He broke eye contact with me a split second later. He blushed and deliberately turned his head away from me. I noticed he did that a lot. He seemed to want to avoid my eyes as much as possible.

I looked down at my lap and continued making the flower chain. He watched me and didn’t move or sign the whole time. Once I’d finished I held it up to show him. The muscles in his face didn’t move but I could see the smile sparkle in his eyes. He took it carefully from my hands and placed it on my head. I barely felt his fingers brush my hair. I smiled and laughed. He smiled back but his heart didn’t seem to be in it.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. He just shook his head. “You don’t like talking much do you?” Again he shook his head. “Why?” He looked away. When he looked back at me, there was a strange expression on his face.

“It’s hard for me to sign. I don’t know what to say,” he replied. He stopped and I was unsure if he was going to tell me more. I tried to prompt him or ask more questions but he refused to answer them.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s just hard.” We sat in silence for a while. The sun was beginning to set and the air was growing chilly. I felt the goose bumps on my arms and looked down at the fascinating hair follicles. I lightly traced my finger over them completely absorbed in their unusual formation. I felt Joshua’s hand on my arm, and I felt a different kind of shiver run through my body. I looked up so quickly he drew away from me. I could see his deep blue eyes studying me and I felt naked. They seemed to be burning with a thousand questions. He looked away from me and I blushed.

“It’s getting cold,” I signed. He nodded.

“I need to go,” he answered. I nodded. We walked slowly back to where we’d dropped our bags, each not wanting the other to leave. We lingered by the roadside and looked out at the setting sun. I turned to Joshua and smiled.

“That’s my house there,” I signed and then pointed. “Do you want to come in for some biscuits?” Joshua shook his head and looked down at his feet. I leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He looked up at me. A slight blush on his cheeks. I smiled, picked up my rucksack and headed on home. Daddy would be wondering where I’d got to. I didn’t look back but I could feel Joshua’s eyes burning into my back.

I opened the front door and peeked into the living room. Helen rushed up to greet me and Daddy asked me where I’d been. I explained about Joshua.

“I just wanted to make friends with him, Daddy. He didn’t seem to be doing very well at school. He’s really quiet.” Daddy nodded. Helen took me by the hand and guided me into the kitchen. When she was younger she would demand that I’d close my eyes but Daddy had to teach her how different I was. She had to learn that by simply closing my eyes I was shutting off one of my remaining four senses. It never made me feel particularly comfortable.

Helen had adapted though. As she had in every other aspect of life that involved me. She just simply led me by the hand and I knew it was supposed to be something exciting or important to her.

She led me to the dining room table and rummaged in her rucksack. She pulled out a colorful drawing of three people. Her untidy scrawl read ‘Daddy, Jocelyn and me’ underneath in blue. In the background was a bright sun and in the corner I was sure was Mum’s grave.

Helen had never really been old enough to understand Mum’s death. She just knew that she didn’t have a Mum. She didn’t really know why and I don’t think she really missed her to be honest. I think I stepped in when it came to the areas where a motherly role would be necessary. It made me sad to think that this poor little girl not only had no mother but had a sister that couldn’t even hear what she was trying to tell her.

“Why are you sad?” she asked me.

“I’m not,” I replied. “I’m just thinking.” She looked at me skeptically but turned her attention back to the picture on the table. She knew when it was best not to press me for details.