The Fullness of Quiet (6 page)

“It’s so beautiful,” he signed to me. I shrugged my shoulders and he smiled at my modesty. “What do you want to do today?” he asked.

I hesitated. “Ive got plans today.” The effect this sentence had on him was incredible. It made me remember how much of a fragile person he was. Sure, he acted like everything was okay, but deep down he was just as fragile as he’d always been. Even after all this time, it still hadn’t changed. It made me sad. “You can come with me though,” I offered.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“You’ll see.” I smiled at him.

“Okay then.” I disappeared for a few minutes to tell Daddy that Joshua was going to come with me and he nodded in approval. We left the house and walked in the warm summer sun.

We went down the road toward his house, neither of us speaking. I presumed that Joshua was too busy thinking about where we were going. Whenever he felt uncomfortable and out of place, he always went very quiet and I guessed this was one of those moments.

We walked for about fifteen minutes before we came to a house on the right. I went up to the door and knocked. An old man answered and smiled his toothless grin at me. He welcomed me into the house and Joshua trailed behind. We walked through the house and into the garden. Joshua stood by the door, watching me. I bent down and picked some of the flowers that filled the flowerbed.

Once I had a big enough bunch, I stood up, kissed the old man on the cheek and we both made our way back out onto the road. Joshua signed to me asking who he was and I handed him the flowers to hold. I explained that he was a patient of Daddy’s and wasn’t able to afford even Daddy’s lower rates, so instead of charging him the full fee, he allowed me to pick flowers from his garden every week.

“Why?” he asked. I tapped my nose with my index finger and then winked.

We walked further down the road and then took a right turn. I looked around me at the blossoms of summer. I pointed to the butterflies and birds and other wondrous things in the trees and around us. I pointed out a cloud that was shaped like a dragon and then another one shaped like a rabbit. I laughed at the little animal that scampered across the road in front of us. I could feel Joshua watching me closely, studying me but I tried my best to ignore him.

The small church had just come into view down the road.

“Are we going to church?” he asked. I shook my head. I walked up to the old stone building. The style of it was simple and plain and yet it managed to strike you as beautiful in some way or another. I took him by the hand and led Joshua behind the building to the small graveyard. I loved to sit between the gravestones and learn about the lives of people I never knew. Some of the headstones just said a name and some dates but others had quotes and phrases.

We walked past the oldest ones that were so worn by weather and nature that you were no longer able to read what they said. All those people that would be lost and forgotten, to lie nameless for the rest of time until even their memorial stone ceased to exist. As we walked, the gravestones gradually became readable. It was like going through a time portal.

Joshua hadn’t said anything since we’d entered the graveyard. I knew he was clueless. All his insecurities would be playing havoc in his mind. It made me feel cruel. I should just tell him but I wouldn’t have been able to explain it.

We reached a shiny grey headstone and I knelt down and placed the flowers at the base. I stood back and looked at the scene for a few seconds. Mother, Wife and loving friend. Will be remembered now and always it said. I turned to Joshua to see him watching me carefully.

“Your Mum?” he asked. I nodded. “Do you come here every Saturday?” I nodded again.

“I always bring her fresh flowers. To let her know that I’m thinking of her and that we all miss her very much.” Joshua nodded and looked down at his feet. I looked back at the headstone and after a while, Joshua sat down next to me. We sat there in silence and I prayed a little. I didn’t pray to God, I prayed to Mum. I asked her to look after us, watch over us and take care of herself. I told her we were missing her every day and that we will always remember her. I always told her the same things. But I hoped she could hear me and know that we missed her very much.

I reached my hand out and touched the grass in front of us. It was soft to touch and I remembered a time when the grass was upturned soil, fresh from her burial.

I looked up at the sky and the clouds. I watched the birds dance and hide between the fluffy white layers. Time will continue to go forwards. It will not stop and wait and the only way to keep up with it is to persevere with all your mortal strength. Time takes part in a race to the end and even then it continues like nothing has ever happened. Those who fall behind get left behind.

“What are you thinking?” asked Joshua. I looked at him and smiled.

“I’m thinking about how Time is so fragile and if you are not careful, then you will get left behind because it will not wait for you.” Joshua pondered what I’d said for a moment.

“Maybe Time is a guardian and it nudges you along. Encourages you to grow and learn before you reach a point where you cannot anymore and that is when you get left behind.”

I nodded. “Maybe. You never stop learning. Even when you are on your death bed.”

“Yes.”

We stood up and looked down at the headstone. I smiled at the thought that I’d shared this special moment with the person stood next to me.

“Now I’m free for the day,” I signed. Joshua smiled. I took his hand and we began to make our way back towards home.

Chapter 9

Joshua hadn’t mentioned my Mum since we visited the graveyard. It seemed to be an area that he was anxious to avoid and I couldn’t work it out. I thought he would have wanted to know how she died and that. Or at least ask me if I’d visited that weekend. He avoided me the following Saturday morning and only appeared late in the afternoon when he knew I wouldn’t be visiting her grave. I don’t know if it made him feel uncomfortable or if he just didn’t know how to approach the subject. I was relatively open about that sort of stuff. I tried my best not to live in the past and to be grateful for the present.

“Do you want Daddy to ring your mum and let her know you’re here?” Joshua shook his head. He’d been unusually quiet all day. He’d avoided me during school and hadn’t said much since. We were sat outside on the porch, enjoying the last few hours of sunlight. “What’s wrong, Joshua? You’ve been acting funny all day.”

“There’s something I need to tell you. I just don’t know how to and I don’t like talking about it.”

“What is it?” I put my hand on his leg for comfort.

“She isn’t my mum,” he signed.

“Who isn’t?”

“The woman your dad calls. It’s my aunt.”

I hesitated, unsure where this was going. “Okay. Is that a bad thing?”

“No. The reason is. I...” He hesitated and then the movement of his hands became so rapid I had to really concentrate to keep up. “The only reason that I’m deaf is because of a car accident with my parents. We were driving home and a car appeared and hit us. The crash caused damage to my inner ear so that I can’t relay sound waves to my brain.

"Both my parents were seriously injured. My mum was okay, she had a broken arm and other external injuries but my dad. My dad went into a coma. Is still in a coma. Mum realized that she couldn’t cope with me. Being deaf meant that I was too much hard work and she could barely look after herself. She didn’t have the time or energy to learn sign language with me and I had to learn on my own. She tried to get me into a disabled school but she’s been so torn up and broken about Dad that she just hasn’t paid much attention to anything.

“She decided that it would be best for me if I went away for a while. I don’t know how long and I don’t even know if she remembers me. She spends most of her time at the hospital with Dad and she never calls to ask about me.

“Here I am, living with my aunt who has had to start learning sign language just so she can accommodate me. Most of the time she doesn’t try and writes it down on the whiteboard. She has other kids to look after as well as me, I can’t demand all of her attention and I try not to. My cousins feel uncomfortable around me and don’t know what to say.

“I feel like it’s all my fault.”

As he spoke, I could feel my heart breaking inside. I couldn’t believe all the pain and hurt that he was going through and the fact that he had no-one to share it with. It explained a lot of things. Like how his signing was so poor, his confidence so low and his shyness so apparent.

I reached up and threw my arms around his neck. I pulled him close to me and held him there. I felt him bury his face in my hair and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. We sat clutching each other for a while before we finally let go.

I looked at him and held his gaze, refusing to let him look away. I wanted to help in any way I could but I had never felt as hopeless as I did at that moment. I reached up and traced my fingers across his cheek. He placed his hand over the top of mine and held my gaze.

“I am so sorry,” I signed, pulling away.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but I wish there was something I could do to help.”

“You have helped. In so many ways, Jocelyn. You have taught me to sign properly. You have shown me the true wonders of the simple world around me and you have taught me most importantly to treasure all of it, no matter how insignificant it may seem.”

He picked up my hand and gently kissed my palm. His lips were so soft and they made my whole body shiver. I leaned forwards and kissed the top of his hair. He moved his face up to look at me and I kissed his cheek, then his lips. I touched him as lightly as possible, lingering on his skin. His hand moved up into my hair and brought me close to him once again. I could feel his warm breath against mine as he kissed me and I didn’t want the moment to end.

He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. I smiled and bent my head down onto his lap. We sat watching the last of the sun as he gently pulled his fingers through my hair. It was therapeutic and relaxing. His other hand was interlocked with mine on his lap and his thumb lightly traced the outline of my lips.

I think that’s the memory that sticks in my mind the clearest. It’s so precious to me. The way we could just be with each other and not feel the need to talk or do something. We would happily sit together in the comfort of knowing that the person sat with us was the one we wanted to be there.

I don’t think I had ever been at such peace as I was then. It’s strange to think that at such a young age I could feel like that. He was the only person that had sparked such emotions in me. It surprised and scared me but the bliss he brought put all my troubles away.

I sat up after the sun had set. “Are you going to stay for dinner?” I didn’t want him to leave. He nodded.

After dinner, I approached Joshua with the questions that I was burning to ask. I waited until we were alone before broaching the subject.

“Why didn’t you want to tell me about your parents?” Joshua took a deep breath.

“It makes me sad and guilty, like it’s my fault.”

“It isn’t, though. You should know that. You couldn’t have prevented that car hitting you anymore if you had had known it was going to happen.” Joshua shrugged.

“I feel like such a failure. Even my own mother doesn’t have time for me.”

“I’m sure that isn’t true. I know it may feel like that now because she’s sent you away from her but at the end of the day it’s what she believes is best for you. She’s put you in the care of someone who can look after you and as soon as your mum’s better she’ll be insisting that you’re back home.”

“It’s just been so long.”

“You all need to heal. It’s just unfortunate that you can’t do it together. I’m sure that if your dad had suffered similar injuries to your mum then everything would be fine. You would be at home and you could grow closer as a family. It’s just too stressful for your mum right now.”

“There’s a lot of ‘if’s, Jocelyn. If we hadn’t gone out that night. If that driver hadn’t been on the road. If we’d swerved slightly differently. There are a million possible ways things could have happened differently.”

“Precisely. But it didn’t happen like that. It happened the way it did and there’s nothing you can do about it now. You need to face this head on and push yourself to make the best of it.”

“You’re right. You’re always right,” he laughed.

“Plus, if you hadn’t had the crash then we wouldn’t have met!”

“And life would be incredibly uninteresting without you.” I smiled. “It’s time for me to go.” I nodded. We made our way to the porch and I closed the door behind me so we could have some privacy.

“I’ll see you in school tomorrow,” I signed. Joshua took my hand and pulled me close to him. His lips pressed against mine and his hand was on my lower back. I moved a hand up into his soft brown hair and moved the other to his cheek. I parted my lips and I felt him do the same. Our bodies melted together perfectly. His hand caressed my cheek and held me to him.

We pulled away and I looked into his blue eyes. They were bright and alive with a sparkle I knew and loved so well. Our faces were inches apart and our bodies were still pressed together.

“I love you,” he signed. I was stunned. I kissed him hard and pulled away.

“I love you, too, Joshua.” He beamed at me and kissed me again. I held his hand as he began to walk away from me until only the tips of our fingers were touching. I watched him walk down the road and didn’t pay any attention to the chilly night air. My whole body was on fire. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I just wanted to dance. My insides were all warm and fuzzy and I couldn’t stop smiling.

I leaned against the front door and looked up at the bright full moon, high above me. I blew it a kiss before turning and walking back into the house.

As happy as I was at that point in time, I was unaware that soon my whole world would feel like it was crumbling around me.