The Gentleman Bastard Series (228 page)

“You know, self-pity is the only thing that smells worse than four days of road sweat.”

“Self-pity is about the only straw left to cling to after YOU happen to a fellow,” said Locke. “We can have this if we both want it. But
you
have to want it, too. This isn’t me trying to convince you of anything, unless …”

“Unless?”

“Unless some part of you is already convinced.”

“Dinner,” she said softly.

“And a contractual option for … subsequent complications. At your discretion.”

She couldn’t or wouldn’t meet his gaze during the silence that filled the next few seconds. Locke’s blood seemed to turn to gel in his veins.

“Where are we going?” she said at last.

“How the hell should I know?” Relief hit so hard he wobbled on his feet.

Sabetha’s right arm darted out and caught him around the waist. They both stood staring at the point of contact for a long, frozen moment, and then she drew back again.

“Are you all right?” she said softly.

“I, uh, guess I really liked your answer. But come now, how much time have you left me to figure out where anything is in this damned city? You’re morally obligated to pick the place. Tomorrow night.”

“Let it be sunset,” she said. “Do you trust me to send a carriage?”

“Jean and I won’t be together,” said Locke. “We’ll make sure of it. If I don’t come back in a reasonable amount of time, you can face him, pissed off and unrestrained. How’s that for a safeguard?”

“Not trouble I’d invite if I could help it.” She put her hands behind her back and regarded him appraisingly. “What now?”

“Depends. Do I still have an inn to go home to?”

“I’ve left Josten alone. Mostly.”

“Well, then, I’ve got to go soothe my children and, uh, figure out just how the hell I’m going to beat you.”

“Cocksure, infuriating little shit,” she said, without malice.

“Arrogant bitch,” he said, grinning as he backed toward the door. “Arrogant, stubborn, gorgeous bitch. And hey, if I catch one whiff of that perfume you were wearing last time—”

“If I catch one whiff of horses and road sweat, you’re going back to sea.”

“I’ll take a bath.”

“Take two. And … I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“You will,” said Locke.

He reached the door, crediting himself with enough wits to not turn his back on her, at least not yet. He was about to leave when another thought struck him.

“Oh, you know, we did borrow some horses to get here. We put them in a bad way. Would you mind stabling the poor things?”

“I’ll clean up after you, sure. And …”

“Yes?”

“Is Jean all right? His face—”

“He broke his nose getting off your ship. He’ll be fine. You know what it takes to really slow him down. It occurs to me, though, that you still have his Wicked Sisters.”

“I’ll give them back … soon.” She smiled thinly. “They can be my hostages for
your
good behavior.”

“If you need hostages, you could always try a gentler version of what I just did to Vord—”

“Get the fuck out of here,” she said, fighting back a laugh.

3

“SO WHAT did you get us?” said Jean.

“Uh, a dinner date,” said Locke. “I think I should be able to discuss drawing a few sensible lines so none of us have to worry about waking up halfway to sea again.”

They’d walked out nonchalantly and claimed the first waiting carriage-for-hire, which was now rattling toward more friendly territory through the slanting late-afternoon shadows of the city’s towers.

“I assume you mentioned my sisters?”

“She’ll give them back if I behave.”

“Fine, then.”

Jean’s voice still had an alarming nasal quality, and Locke made a mental note to have him examined by a physiker whether he liked it or not.

“You’re not mad?” said Locke.

“Of course not. I presume you two idiots hinted to one another about relighting old fires?”

“That was my distinct impression.”

“Well, assuming you don’t let her drug you again, I’m proud of you. I’m the last man on earth who’d discourage you from chasing the woman you adore. Believe me. See to business and then make it as personal as possible.”

“Thanks.” Locke grinned, and enjoyed a brief moment of actual relaxation, one that ended as soon as he blinked and realized that Patience was seated just across from him, lips folded into a scowl below her night-dark eyes.

“I’d say you’re placing an alarming emphasis on pleasure over responsibility, wouldn’t you?” she said.

“Gods above!” Locke edged away from her reflexively, and saw Jean flinch as well. “Why couldn’t you show up on the street like an ordinary person?”

“I’m no good at being an ordinary person. Your recent behavior has been darkly amusing, but I must confess that my colleagues and I are starting to worry about the effectiveness of your overall plan of resistance. If, indeed, such a plan exists.”

“It had to be set aside for a few days,” said Locke. “We did manage to escape
total
humiliation, no thanks to you.”

“How would you know where the thanks should fall?”

“I don’t remember you offering us a spare boat and a hot meal when we were trying not to drown,” said Jean.

“Unseasonal hard winds blew you off course for most of a week, leaving you within spitting distance of shore, and you didn’t stop to ponder the implications?”

“Wait,” said Locke. “I thought you were strictly forbidden from—”

“I won’t confirm or refute any conjecture,” said Patience, sounding satisfied as a cream-fed cat. “I’m merely pointing out that your vaunted imaginations seem to be flickering rather dimly. Of course it’s possible we aided you. It’s possible the other side had bent the rules as well, and earned a bit of a rebuke. You’ll never know for sure.”

“Damn it, Patience,” said Locke, “you were at pains to assure us that the rules of your stupid contest are ironclad!”

“And you were at pains to insist that you didn’t trust me any farther than you could throw this carriage.”

“Why the hell are you even here? Do you have some message?”

“The message is this: Mind your task, Locke Lamora. You’re here to win, not to woo.”

“I’m here to do both.
Carte blanche
was the deal. Are you reneging?”

“I’m just relaying—”

“My disinterest in your bullshit is so tangible you could make bricks out of it.
Carte blanche
, yes or no?”

“Yes,” she said. “But you should be very, very careful how long you test our forbearance. When dealing with a horse that won’t make speed, one tends to apply a whip to its flanks, doesn’t one?”

“You told me you people love to sit back and watch your agents run around entertaining you. So kindly sit back, shut up, and be entertained.”

“I intend to be,” she said. Between heartbeats she was gone, without so much as a rustle of fabric.

“Gods
damn
it,” said Locke. “Tell me I wouldn’t be such a tremendous pain in the ass if I had those powers.”

“You’d be worse,” sighed Jean. “I’d have killed you myself a long time ago. And you know what else?”

“Hrrrm?”

“Patience can lick scorpions in hell. You and Sabetha take your time and sort out whatever the last five years have done to you. I’m here to mind the shop whenever you’re out.”

4

“OH, GODS,” said Nikoros, who was sitting at Josten’s bar behind a half-finished drink that was a bit too large and a bit too early in the day. “Oh, thank the gods! Where have you two been?”

“On the road, dear fellow,” said Locke, seizing Nikoros around the shoulders and pulling him to his feet. Locke ground his teeth as he noticed the sharp smell of something alchemical on Nikoros’ breath, and his dilated pupils, but there was no time to berate him just now. “Engaged in terribly important secret affairs! Where do we stand?”

“We’re, uh, beset by unexpected complications,” said Nikoros, bewildered. “We’re getting our
asses
kicked. The bookmakers are projecting a fourteen-seat Konseil majority for the Black—”

“That’s great,” said Locke, flush with the heady exhilaration that comes from absolute freedom to bullshit absolutely. “That’s
excellent
. That’s the whole point of the exercise! Master Callas and I have been making careful arrangements to create the false impression of a
total state of disarray
on our side. Get it? We’ve got the Black Iris right where we want them.”

“Uh … really?” Hope brought new color to Nikoros’ face with startling speed, and Locke sighed. Between whatever he’d been drinking and the “adjustments” of the Bondsmagi, Nikoros probably had the free will of a sponge. “That sounds great!”

“Doesn’t it?” said Locke. “Now summon a physiker. Then grab every trustworthy dogsbody and scribe you can lay hands on and
bring them up to me in the Deep Roots private gallery in five minutes. Go, go, go! Josten?”

“At your service, Master Lazari.”

“Food for five hungry fat men, in the private gallery, as soon as possible.”

“I gave some orders when I saw you walk in.”

“Bless you. Master Callas will want coffee, too. Hot enough to strip paint. Did you have any problems while we were away? Security trouble?”

“Your people caught half a dozen folks trying to break in. Sent them off with bad headaches. They also tell me we’re being watched from several points around the neighborhood.”

“We’ll tend to that soon enough.” Locke beckoned for Jean to follow, and the two of them passed through the crowd of afternoon businessfolk and traders, exchanging friendly nods with Deep Roots supporters barely remembered from the night of Nikoros’ party. In moments they were up in the party’s private gallery, temporarily alone.

“
Is
there an actual plan running around in your head?” wheezed Jean.

“Crap sparks until something catches fire.” Locke settled into a high-backed chair and brushed dust from his filthy tunic. “Noise and action to keep Sabetha guessing while we cook up a real scheme. We start with childish pranks and escalate steadily. Gods, I wish we had some proper urchins, some Right People that knew what they were doing.”

Camorri outlaws had never thought very highly of their fraternal associates in other cities, but Karthain was the least-regarded of all. Locke hadn’t once heard of a Karthani gang that had any reach, any of the savage pride or inventiveness that Camorri, Verrari, or even Lashani crews took for granted.

“It’s the Presence,” said Jean. “The Bondsmagi have these people tamed.”

Food and coffee were the first of the commanded resources to arrive. Locke scarfed down meat and bread; neither lingered long enough before his eyes or in his mouth for full identification. Jean sipped coffee and ate a roll, almost daintily, with obvious discomfort.

A few moments later, a dark-skinned woman with neat gray hair came up the stairs carrying a leather bag.

“I’m Scholar Triassa,” she said, frowning at Jean. “And that nose tells quite a story.”

While she began her examination, tactfully saying nothing about the fact that Locke and Jean smelled like goats, Nikoros and half a dozen scribes and assistants came up the stairs.

“Good,” said Locke, gulping a last bite of food. “It’s time to give those Black Iris gits a taste of some friendly piss-artistry. Whet your quills. Scribe everything down exactly. Give your notes to Nikoros when we’re finished, and he’ll handle the actual work assignments.

“I want a letter drafted immediately to the chief constable of Lashain, whoever that is. Tell them that four horses stolen from an armored carriage service bound for Lashain have been located in the stables at the Sign of the Black Iris in Karthain. Each horse has a clearly visible brand on its neck. These horses were received as stolen property and not reported to the Karthani authorities. Sign it ‘a friend’ and get it to the very next ship crossing the Amathel with mail.”

Jean chuckled, then grunted as Scholar Triassa continued her work. Locke paced back and forth as he spoke.

“Tomorrow I’ll secure an addition to party funds. I want a thousand ducats handed out to trustworthy Deep Roots members in increments of five to twenty ducats apiece. I want them all to go out this week and place bets, with anyone taking them, on the Deep Roots winning the election. I want a sudden surge of Deep Roots confidence, so the opposition can have a good hard worry about the possibility that we know something they don’t.

“I want another thousand spent on cakes and wine, rigged up in baskets with green ribbons. Complimentary baskets go to the houses of tradesfolk, merchants, alchemists, scribes, physikers—anyone respectable that
isn’t
already part of the Deep Roots family. Let’s go wooing new voters.”

“That might, uh, cause a problem with some of the, uh, senior party members,” said Nikoros. “Traditionally we’re very choosy about new members. We have private salons, by invitation. We don’t, uh, sweep the streets for recruits.”

Locke poured a mug of coffee and took a long sip.
And for those refined tastes, you idiots have been crowded out hard in the last two elections
, he thought.

“Am I in charge here, Nikoros?”

“Oh, uh, gods yes, absolutely sir. I didn’t mean to imply anything other—”

“We
will
sweep the streets for recruits if it comes to that. I’ll put a bag of gold in the hands of any brick-witted cross-eyed sheepfucker who can mark a parchment. Anytime you want to question me, remind yourself that the opposition doesn’t share your delicate gods-damned traditions. All they care about is winning.”

“Er, of course.”

“The baskets go out. No demands, no obligations, not yet. We just want people thinking kindly of us. Arm-twisting comes later.

“More quietly,” he continued, “hunt down our party members with debts, troubles in court, that sort of thing. Give me a list of their little problems and we’ll send people out to fix them. In exchange, we’ll own their asses and set them toiling.

“Now, conversely. Black Iris party members with weaknesses. Debts, affairs, scandals, addictions, legal entanglements. I want that list! I want to scratch every wound, pour vinegar in every cut, pluck every low-hanging fruit. Constant, total harassment, seizing any opportunity they give us, starting before the sun rises again.”