The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (106 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:

“Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Y-young man, d-do y-you sell dildos h-here?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady in his shop, answered, “Uh, yes, ma’am. We do.”

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart, asked, “D-do y-you ha-have any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?”

“Well, yes, ma’am, we do. We have several that size.”

Forming a 5-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, “A-are annny of th-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?”

“Well, yes, a few of them are about that big.”

“D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?”

“Yes, ma’am, one of them does.”

“W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?”

A guy goes to the post office to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?”

The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.”

“Good,” says the interviewer. “That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?”

The guy says, “In fact, I am 100% disabled. During a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled. It doesn’t affect my ability to work though.”

“Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we’ll get you started.”

The guy says, “If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?”

“Well, here at the post office, we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that!”

Q. What’s red and blue with a long string?

A. A smurfette with her period.

Ten-year-old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

He says, “I want to play Mommy and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That’s pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were.

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last chance. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?”

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After five, then 10, then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

The wife sat there—speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband,

“Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”