The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (107 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Batman arranges a party and invites all the fashionable superheroes. He is particularly good friends with Superman, who, as the party reaches its peak, hasn’t turned up. The night goes on and Superman turns up as the last of the guests are leaving.

“So what happened, Superman?” asks Batman, upset that his closest acquaintance has missed the party.

“I was on my way,” starts Superman in a fluster, “when I saw Wonderwoman lying naked in her backyard with her legs wide apart. I’ve always liked her and guessed that she was expecting me. I dived down as fast as I could from 30,000 feet to give her a good fuck there and then.”

“I bet she was surprised,” says Batman.

“Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man,” replies Superman.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class.

“I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”

The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I want to be weighed,” she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

“112,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do.

“I want to be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,

“What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win all the events they are entered for and they are favored to easily win the nationals.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.”

“What?” the coach says in a panic. “How far down does it go?”

She replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.”

An artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away.

“Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind!”

“Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he protested.

“Really?” she said, softening. “Well, how many models have there been?”

“Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase.”